Homemade Jokes

What did George Michael say when he dropped his chocolate bar?

Careless Wispa

Nah it's not the Wispa that's careless in that case tho, it's the recording artist

I may have told this one in another thread:

What's Lil Wayne's favorite French film?

AMELIE AMELIE AMELIE AMELIE AME AME

Q: What did the traditional Indian garment say to the other traditional Indian garment when it stepped on its foot?

A: Sari.

I was riding back from a film shoot last week, and the DP and I were the only ones who'd actually been to film school, so he kept making dorky jokes that only I'd get. For instance:

Hey Nick! If I set my foot on fire, do you think that would be One Foot Candle!?!?!

Q: What's the most popular Nike shoe in Germany?

A: the Herr Jordan

let's make like romaine and lettuce leaf

What kind of eggs do you find in jam?

Traffic Eggs.

(no, neither do i)

What is Lil Wayne's favorite pozole ingredient?

HOMINY HOMINY HOMINY HOMINY HOMI HOMI

Also, what is Kid's favorite yogurt?

YOPLAIT!

q: what did the plumber say when he found an onion trapped in the women's pipe
a: lady i think you've sprung a leek

I just got this great new album by a Hassidic metal band -- "Ride the Chair"

Why is it a bad idea to buy property from a Crip?

Because it might have a gangsta lien.

omg

haha

based on a joke one of my bff's autistic students made up:

Knock Knock
- who's there?
Glass of Milk
- glass of milk who?
Glass of Milk on the table!

Knock Knock
- who's there?
Napkin
- napkin who?
napkin on the table!

Knock Knock
- who's there?
Straw
- straw who?
straw on the table!

the autistic kid did not come up w/ this part:

Knock Knock
- who's there?
Hot sex with a stranger
- hot sex with a stranger who?
You'll have to find someone else for that, that's not on the table

knock knock
who's there
Champ
Champ who?
No thanks, I washed my hair at home

Oh man yeah I worked with a developmentally delayed kid who made up a lot of "jokes" about his legal guardian's liquid makeup. Like: "Jack and Jill went up the hill to get a pail Maryann's liquid makeup."

that is awesome!

really bad joke I made when I was 15 or so:

Q: Why is the world so infested with bugs?
A: Because God created it with Windows 95

Q: How did the axe store remain profitable in the internet era?
A: By selling adz.

Sundial: hey Rasta Clock, do you know what time it is?
Rasta Clock: I don't know, mon (I don't, gnomon)!

wtf is that

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gnomon

Q: What did Hemingway call his blog-turned-smash-hit-comedy-book?

A: Hills White Elephants Like

"Baby Jesus
Sizzling in a pan
one went pop and the other went Bang!"

!

Also lol!

what do you get when you cross nick drake with a cow
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
pink moo

A giraffe goes into a bookstore and starts eating all the books on the top shelf. A shop assistant goes running over to him and says agitatedly 'excuse me sir - can I help you?'. And the giraffe replies 'no thanks, I'm only browsing'

Q. What happens when a yolk gives off heat?

A. An eggsothermic reaction.

wow, you just took egg puns to another level

You thought they'd been eggshausted, but no....

Today I came up with a joke lit theory paper title: "Id. at 10: Sexual Desire in Legal Citation Style"

i've been straining over a Limp Bizkit: 'Rollin' + myth of Sisyphus joke for a few days now. Topical, I know.

I tried to think of some fake conservative jokes:

Q: What is the greatest aphrodisiac in the world?
A: 50 years of marriage.

Q: What causes the pharoah to weep, and the peasant to build kingdoms in his mind?
A: Love, sire.

Q: did you hear about the gang that broke an onion out of jail?
A: iirc they sprung a leek

What beverage only comes in one flavor and takes 45 minutes to drink?

Sunny D)))

What did the confident but slightly grubby bicycle wheelbuilder say?

"Dust me, I know what I'm truing"

My brother, at age three, came up with:

Why did the ice cream sit on top of the refrigerator?
Because it wanted to melt.

― existential eggs (Abbott), Monday, October 12, 2009 2:53 PM (1 year ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

when I was three, the funniest joke in the world to me was:

"Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"Green."
"Green who?"
"Green apple!"

I think this sense of humor still shines through in my choice of display names

Funny, I was just reciting the poen to myself the other week...

"You're NOT Robin Hood, and you're NOT Gunga Din"...

What do you call a folk singer wearing cheap underwear?

Mary Chafin' Carpenter.

LOLOL

Also awesome name for a Garbage Pail Kid imo. Twin could be Joni ITCHELL

haha!

Where do middle-aged couples go to enjoy their second honeymoon?

Viagra Falls

Why was Mary so uncomfortable riding a donkey?

Because it gave her bethlehemorrhoids.

Yay! One for the christmas cracker!

That, a hat and a fortune-telling fish - what more could you not want?