Homemade Jokes

Did you see the ceramicist comedian last night?

He was kiln em!

hahaha

Which professional tennis player has the fattest wife?

Roger Feederer

Hey bobby, what's the french for Voo-voo-zela?

Malaysian? Isn't that just bad asian?

Why did Lou Reed go to Williamsburg for his prosthetics?

Because he needed hip replacement surgery.

Man, Hurting, you are cracking me up!

Here is a joke of my own I once made up:

What do you guy who turns into an uncool wolf in the full moon's light?

A square-wolf.

I mean, What do you call a guy...

how did Snoopy begin his novel about wavelength measurement?

"It was a dark Ångström-y night."

a joke a former coworker made up:

why did the owl get fired from his job?
sexuOWL harrassment

(this joke actually made me laugh uproariously as it was about the tenth in a line of owl jokes and the first whose punchline did not play off a HOO pun)

Oh my God, in high school, my circle of friends & I had this habit of making up really bad nonsense jokes with the punchline "license to Bill." This had gone on several weeks, that we'd be hanging out at my friend's house, playing video games and making "license to Bill" jokes, then finishing the evening by ruining his family's dinner with terrible jokes that all ended in "license to Bill." One night his dad said, "Enough of your jokes, I want to tell you something serious my pastor told me about today." His dad was an evangelical Christian – the kind of guy who was too Christian to open fortune cookies because they were "false prophecy" – so we all knew this could go on for a while & you just had to be polite and listen. He started going on and on about what the pastor had to say about the Monica Lewinsky scandal, and how it was dragging our nation down, and he started reading out loud this letter his pastor had written about the dangers of dishonesty and adultery. "And do you know what he wrote on the envelope?" he said. "Lies! Sins! To Bill!"

^^^true story about a homemade joke, not a homemade joke itself

aahahahah i love when i get pwned by unlikely people

what did the river say to the riverbed?

my sediments exactly!

ha, that is an excellent story abbott

I made up two today but they are basically the same joke:

What is a leaf's favorite Bauhaus song?

Stomata Martyr.

What is an arthropod's favorite Bauhaus song?

Tegmata Martyr.

:D

What did George Michael say when he dropped his chocolate bar?

Careless Wispa

Nah it's not the Wispa that's careless in that case tho, it's the recording artist

I may have told this one in another thread:

What's Lil Wayne's favorite French film?

AMELIE AMELIE AMELIE AMELIE AME AME

Q: What did the traditional Indian garment say to the other traditional Indian garment when it stepped on its foot?

A: Sari.

I was riding back from a film shoot last week, and the DP and I were the only ones who'd actually been to film school, so he kept making dorky jokes that only I'd get. For instance:

Hey Nick! If I set my foot on fire, do you think that would be One Foot Candle!?!?!

Q: What's the most popular Nike shoe in Germany?

A: the Herr Jordan

let's make like romaine and lettuce leaf

What kind of eggs do you find in jam?

Traffic Eggs.

(no, neither do i)

What is Lil Wayne's favorite pozole ingredient?

HOMINY HOMINY HOMINY HOMINY HOMI HOMI

Also, what is Kid's favorite yogurt?

YOPLAIT!

q: what did the plumber say when he found an onion trapped in the women's pipe
a: lady i think you've sprung a leek

I just got this great new album by a Hassidic metal band -- "Ride the Chair"

Why is it a bad idea to buy property from a Crip?

Because it might have a gangsta lien.

omg

haha

based on a joke one of my bff's autistic students made up:

Knock Knock
- who's there?
Glass of Milk
- glass of milk who?
Glass of Milk on the table!

Knock Knock
- who's there?
Napkin
- napkin who?
napkin on the table!

Knock Knock
- who's there?
Straw
- straw who?
straw on the table!

the autistic kid did not come up w/ this part:

Knock Knock
- who's there?
Hot sex with a stranger
- hot sex with a stranger who?
You'll have to find someone else for that, that's not on the table

knock knock
who's there
Champ
Champ who?
No thanks, I washed my hair at home

Oh man yeah I worked with a developmentally delayed kid who made up a lot of "jokes" about his legal guardian's liquid makeup. Like: "Jack and Jill went up the hill to get a pail Maryann's liquid makeup."

that is awesome!

really bad joke I made when I was 15 or so:

Q: Why is the world so infested with bugs?
A: Because God created it with Windows 95

Q: How did the axe store remain profitable in the internet era?
A: By selling adz.

Sundial: hey Rasta Clock, do you know what time it is?
Rasta Clock: I don't know, mon (I don't, gnomon)!

wtf is that

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gnomon

Q: What did Hemingway call his blog-turned-smash-hit-comedy-book?

A: Hills White Elephants Like

"Baby Jesus
Sizzling in a pan
one went pop and the other went Bang!"

!

Also lol!

what do you get when you cross nick drake with a cow
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
pink moo

A giraffe goes into a bookstore and starts eating all the books on the top shelf. A shop assistant goes running over to him and says agitatedly 'excuse me sir - can I help you?'. And the giraffe replies 'no thanks, I'm only browsing'

Q. What happens when a yolk gives off heat?

A. An eggsothermic reaction.

wow, you just took egg puns to another level