Dieter Laser's deliberately exaggerated accent kind of makes the whole film like an extended episode of "'Allo 'Allo" with added surgical mutilation.
(External: the usual recycled shot of Neuvion town square and Rene's cafe. The pissoir in the centre isn't the only place where we'll be taking the piss HA HA oh dear... Theme music - a BBC sound library approximation of 'French' music - and titles.)
(Interior: Rene's cafe. Behind the bar is Rene. He is drying an infeasibly large cognac glass with a towel.)
Rene: "Ah, 'allo there my good friends! Welcome to another episode of this mildly racist, sexist, and homophobic teatime family sitcom! The plot is simply a device to justify the saying of a load of worn out old catch phrases, but I shall tediously re-iterate what's already happened for you again. Just in case you have been hit on the head by a billboard since the last time I saw you."
(Interior: the back room of Rene's cafe. Rene is carrying some bottles of wine up from the cellar. DIRECTOR'S NOTE TO PROPS DEPT.: Can we please have Rene holding something more typically French, like one of those long thin loaves of bread or some onions on a string? Otherwise the audience are likely to forget we're in France.)
(Rene puts the wine on the table, then pulls back the curtains, to his surprise revealing Michelle of the Resistance.)
Michelle: "Listen very carefully, I shall say this catchphrase only once an episode as specified by my contract. Unless we're running short on gags. So... Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once..."
Rene: "Michelle, please, I am a humble cafe owner trying to run a business!"
Michelle: "No, you're a randy old man who is trying to get off with his waitresses without his wife finding out. And anyway, it is Edith who owns the cafe. But since this is patriarchal France in the early 1940's, it is your name that is painted on the window."
Rene: "Ah yes, well it does offer the possibility of humiliating comedy emasculation when Edith threatens to divorce me and marry that guy from the second tier Carry On movies. Anyway, I am busy, I have no time for comedy schemes involving running around darkened woods hiding behind trees in order to pad out ten minutes of an episode because the writers ran out of material."
Michelle: “It's not just hiding behind trees. We're often also looking off camera at stock footage of a steam train in the distance.”
Rene: “I always wonder why you Resistance girls dress identically. Surely it's a mistake, because the Germans could just go around arresting anyone wearing a beret, a beige trenchcoat, and short white socks.”
Michelle: "Anyway, enough of this!" (Michelle pulls out a stick of dynamite) "This is a stick of dynamite that we've stolen from the Communist Resistance!"
Rene: "Oh no! You cannot bring that in here! What if it were to go off accidentally?"
Michelle: "That's very unlikely to happen unless we need a comedy slapstick scene later on. There's nothing that brings the lulz more than people running around panicking because they might get their faces blown off."
Rene: “I cannot do this!”
Michelle (pulling out a gun): “If you do not, I will shoot you!”
Rene: “But then who will you get to carry out your poorly thought out plans? You've really not thought this through at all...”
Michelle: “But Rene, you are doing this for France, you will be a 'ero.”
Rene: “Why would I want to be a small overpriced chocolate bar full of air bubbles? Oh alright I agree to do it! Otherwise we'll be here all day and I'll never get to the scene where I try and have a bunk up in the cupboard with Yvette without being interrupted by my wife.”
Edith: "Rene! You cannot blow up the Human Centipede! My poor mother's fiancee, Monsieur LeClerc, is the front segment, and poor Monsieur Alphonse the undertaker is in the middle!"
Herr Flick (hitting Von Smallhausen over the head with his cane): “RONG!”
(Interior: Rene's cafe. Rene is behind the bar. Various patrons, including several German officers, are sitting at tables. They all have cheese stuffed in their ears, as Edith is singing – a noise reminiscent of Maria Callas being run over by a steam roller.)(The Human Centipede enters and approaches the bar. Rene does his k-lol rolleyes.gif expression)LeClerc (the front segment of the centipede): “'ave you any stale bread for a poor hungry human centipede?”Rene: “No we have not, go away!”LeClerc (moving closer to Rene and lifting up his glasses): “It is I, LeClerc!”Rene: (rolleyes.gif again) “I never would have guessed!”LeClerc: “I have a message from Michelle of the Resistance!”Rene: “Do not tell me here, the cafe is full of German officers! Go down the back passage.”LeClerc: “The... back passage?”Rene: “Yes I know, it's a weak innuendo – back passage blah blah. Endless laughter as I say lines like: 'I 'ad that Lt. Gruber in my back passage the other day' ROFL ROFL I'm sure. I suppose we should count ourselves lucky that there isn't a canal near here...”
Carstairs: “I say Fairfax?”Fairfax: “What is it Carstairs?”Carstairs: “I was just wondering, why do we have to talk in these ridiculous comedy upper class English accents?”Fairfax: “Because it helps to deflect criticisms of racism if we're taking the piss out of the English even more than everyone else, doyousee?”Carstairs: “I suppose so. But we only appear once an episode for 30 seconds disguised as a laundry hamper.”
Herr Flick: "Von Smallhausen has infiltrated the Human Centipede as the third segment!"Helga: "How clever you are, Herr Flick."Herr Flick: "Yes I know." (smirks slightly) "As soon as he is passed the painting, he will return here!"Helga: "Is it time for the gratuitous underwear scene?"Herr Flick: "Not yet. We still haven't had the comedy misunderstanding between Rene and Lt. Gruber. However, you may now kiss me while I stand completely motionless!"
Crabtree: “'allo Rene. I was just pissing by your door.”Rene: “Could you please stop doing that? I only just mopped up the puddle from last time.”
Dieter Laser: “But Officer Crabtree, you don't understand! Trying to stop a randy old cafe owner blowing up a Human Centipede with a stick of dynamite to recover the forged painting of the Fallen Madonna With The Big Boobies by Van Clomp while being pursued by the German army and the Gestapo and the French Resistance is the name of my dog!”
(Theme music and credits: “You have been watching... A load of tired old shite. Really, it's Saturday evening, don't you have anything better to do?”)
― display-name aesthete (snoball), Saturday, 19 June 2010 09:35 (nine years ago) link
imdb boards bringing the laughs with this movie
― get your bucket of free wings (underrated aerosmith albums I have loved), Sunday, 20 June 2010 00:55 (nine years ago) link
The 1st piece would have to show some restraint when pooping. You can get a feel of the speed when it starts to come out. He'd just have to clench his poop cutter to control the speed. Being in a Human Centipede is a team effort people!
― get your bucket of free wings (underrated aerosmith albums I have loved), Sunday, 20 June 2010 00:56 (nine years ago) link
New display name bonanza!
― Yeah, there's no "I" in centipede... oh wait, yes there is. (Pancakes Hackman), Sunday, 20 June 2010 02:35 (nine years ago) link
"Your anal sphincter is a strong muscle and it won't open just because someone tries to vomit in your ass."
― Yeah, there's no "I" in centipede... oh wait, yes there is. (Pancakes Hackman), Sunday, 20 June 2010 02:36 (nine years ago) link
i've read that before. it's from carl jung, i think.
― Daniel, Esq., Sunday, 20 June 2010 02:36 (nine years ago) link
― sinister chemical wisdom (Jenny), Tuesday, 22 June 2010 21:43 (nine years ago) link
― StanM, Saturday, 26 June 2010 13:25 (nine years ago) link
(xp) Tags - pets, toy, cat, catnip, plush, horror, gore, fart sniffer, feed her, doctor, medical, movie, film, weird
Among the sellers other items, a blue whale stuffed with a quarter pound of catnip...
― display-name aesthete (snoball), Saturday, 26 June 2010 13:36 (nine years ago) link
Strange, both humancentipedia.org and .com still appear to be untaken.
― anatol_merklich, Tuesday, 20 July 2010 21:35 (nine years ago) link
I watched this on Monday. All three victims are so hateful that by the time you get to stitch-o-rama you're just relieved that they're not talking/screaming/riffing horrible quasi-p0rn dialogue anymore.
― bettina arnderpandts (Autumn Almanac), Wednesday, 21 July 2010 08:38 (nine years ago) link
...and consequently it's not a billionth as gross/unsettling as it could have been.
This cheeky Human Centipede costume apparently won $1000 at the Fangoria Weekend of Horrors.
― the penis cream pilot walked free (Phil D.), Friday, 23 July 2010 22:41 (nine years ago) link
That is simultaneously brilliant and horrifying.
― I, ahh, give the, ahh, the Jackson Jive, ahh, a ten (Autumn Almanac), Saturday, 24 July 2010 01:28 (nine years ago) link
lol if the 1st part took immodium then he wouldn't poop, so 2nd part wouldnt be getting any food and wont have anything to poop so the 3rd one wont either :D how would they of got the immodium. Can see a 3rd movie here, The human centipede: Immodium stopped the experiment and they all died! addicted to Glee right now Jennifer's body was awesome!
addicted to Glee right now
Jennifer's body was awesome!
― Matt Armstrong, Saturday, 24 July 2010 02:33 (nine years ago) link
― scott seward, Saturday, 24 July 2010 21:01 (nine years ago) link
Well, had to happen.
― Ned Raggett, Tuesday, 10 August 2010 01:56 (nine years ago) link
― I, ahh, give the, ahh, the Jackson Jive, ahh, a ten (Autumn Almanac), Tuesday, 10 August 2010 09:00 (nine years ago) link
Well that's one way of solving the problem of bad pr0n dialogue.
― Les centimètres énigmatiques (snoball), Tuesday, 10 August 2010 09:47 (nine years ago) link
'Will you suck me off?''mfff mfff mfff''That's the spirit'
― I, ahh, give the, ahh, the Jackson Jive, ahh, a ten (Autumn Almanac), Tuesday, 10 August 2010 10:17 (nine years ago) link
― people are for loving (HI DERE), Tuesday, 10 August 2010 13:33 (nine years ago) link
at least it ain't human centipaed?
― HOOS' THE BOSS (ken c), Wednesday, 11 August 2010 00:20 (nine years ago) link
A human centipede scuttles into a bar and orders three shots of whiskey. He drinks all three. He does the same thing day after day after day, and the bartender finally says, "You know, I can put all three of those shots into one glass for you." The human centipede says, "No, I prefer it this way. One shot is for me, one shot is for the middle segment, and one shot is for the third segment." He comes in day after day after day, the bartender sets up three glasses. And then one day, the human centipede says, "Give me two shots today." The bartender asks, "What happened? Did something happen to your third segment?" "No, no, no," the human centipede said. "It's okay. It's just that I decided to quit drinking."
― sinister chemical wisdom (Jenny), Thursday, 6 May 2010 06:27 (3 months ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink
I have been stealing this joke like there's no tomorrow because it is the best thing ever.
― Municipal Workers' Union of the Snake (Autumn Almanac), Tuesday, 17 August 2010 11:23 (nine years ago) link
― Jenny, Tuesday, 17 August 2010 13:27 (nine years ago) link
― next person tries to teach me about JOY IN LIFE gets a tubgirl in return (Jesse), Monday, 30 August 2010 17:41 (eight years ago) link
I just had the unique pleasure of actually watching this movie without reading or seeing a single spoiler beforehand. really proud of myself for figuring out that the crazy doctor was planning on sewing assholes to mouths before that was revealed in the plot.
― n-word scissorhands (gr8080), Thursday, 9 September 2010 07:06 (eight years ago) link
trying to figure out what shots to use for three frames
― n-word scissorhands (gr8080), Thursday, 9 September 2010 07:07 (eight years ago) link
― n-word scissorhands (gr8080), Friday, 10 September 2010 03:07 (eight years ago) link
yesterday and today's film on three frames
― "ill samosa, hoos" "gibreel, big wrink" (gr8080), Tuesday, 14 September 2010 21:12 (eight years ago) link
― subtle like the g in 'goole' (dayo), Saturday, 18 September 2010 06:42 (eight years ago) link
― StanM, Sunday, 19 September 2010 09:38 (eight years ago) link
Sequel needs to be in 3D.
― Les centimètres énigmatiques (snoball), Sunday, 19 September 2010 10:10 (eight years ago) link
― PappaWheelie V, Sunday, 19 September 2010 17:15 (eight years ago) link
I just clicked on that trailer, thinking it was for the sequel to the first movie.
― Les centimètres énigmatiques (snoball), Sunday, 19 September 2010 17:26 (eight years ago) link
But at least Tom Byron no longer looks like the singer from Metallica.
― Les centimètres énigmatiques (snoball), Sunday, 19 September 2010 17:27 (eight years ago) link
― PappaWheelie V, Sunday, 19 September 2010 20:35 (eight years ago) link
We rented this from Netflix and watched it yesterday and... it was pretty good! I mean, I have been making jokes about human centipedes for a year now, which probably my revulsion at the concept, but I can't imagine this was any harder to watch than Martyrs or some other movie form the "new wave of French horror." (Note: this is conjecture as I am way too intimidated by any of those movies to actually watch them.) The scene where Dr. Heiter (who is totally AMAZING as a horror movie villain, btw - gave the movie an excellent dose of camp) explains the procedure to his segments gave me the willies pretty hard (I have a visceral fear of anesthesia/medical procedures), the climax was tense, and the ending was horrible to contemplate.
Best line: You are... the middle piece!
― phantoms from a world gone by speak again the immortal tale: (Jenny), Monday, 1 November 2010 13:30 (eight years ago) link
probably lessened my revulsion, I mean to say.
― phantoms from a world gone by speak again the immortal tale: (Jenny), Monday, 1 November 2010 13:31 (eight years ago) link
From the commentary over at Sergio Leone and the Infield Fly Rule
1) Over a shot near the opening of the film of a truck driver stopping his vehicle by the side of the road to relieve himself: “This is a nice little scene. Of course, the movie is about shit, and here we have a truck driver taking a shit!”
2) Over shots of the female characters relaxing in their hotel room: “The characters are still very pretty, but that will soon change, as you know.”
3) After relating how the crew ignored local refusal to grant them permits to film on a dark country road: “As a filmmaker, sometimes you have to be a little bad to get what you want.”
4) The director dismisses the nonstop pile-up of horror movie clichés that drive his plot by announcing that they were “deliberate,” and that if the audience thinks they’ve seen it all, then it “makes the impact of what eventually happens way, way better.”
5) Six eventually reveals that the basis of his horror movie “game-changer” came to him one night while he was watching a TV report on a child molester and declared that the guy “should be punished by having his mouth stitched to the ass of a truck driver.”
6) Over a shot of Dr. Heiter exuberantly celebrating the unveiling of his surgical masterpiece by lifting a mirror over his head and gazing at himself with happiness: “This is my homage to The Lion King, when Mufasa lifts Simba to the sky.”
7) Over the scene in which the lead centipede piece finally cannot hold back his excrement: “I’m really proud of this when I see this… Imagine the taste of shit in your mouth, the aftertaste… Imagine your best friend being attached to your ass—of course you would be constipated. You wouldn’t want to go to the bathroom! Poor Jenny. It looks so real…”
8) After noting the appearance of more horror movie clichés near the movie’s conclusion: “But it’s okay, because the rest of it is so not cliché!” (Which begs a question… but I won’t.)
9) “Not everybody understands the black humor. They only see the nasty things. But a lot of people can laugh about this film as well.” (Which begs a question… but I won’t.)
10) "The Human Centipede—First Sequence will look like My Little Pony compared to part two, The Human Centipede—Full Sequence."
― No Good, Scrunty-Looking, Narf Herder (Gukbe), Monday, 1 November 2010 15:55 (eight years ago) link
have very mixed feelings about the human centipede. taken as a whole, i hated it. i hated its tiresome (but still effectively depressing) nihilism and sadism. i hated that it devolved so quickly from delightful horror caricature to insanely grisly spectacle, and finally to a grinding form of audience punishment. it made me feel bad. coming away i not only felt spiritually crushed, i felt morose about humanity's prospects and worth. i slept badly and had terrible dreams. had a much harder time with THC than with any product of the french horror renaissance, though the british eden lake did me in in a similar manner.
otoh, i'm a huge horror fan and am always looking for something new and interesting, something that isn't just a another limp recycling of profitable precedents. and of the many (many) horror films i've seen in the last few years, THC stands out as one of the few with its own distinct personality. it doesn't look or feel like other movies. almost everything in the film is somehow tilted or twisted a few degrees off true. as a result, it seems more like a perverse joke or art experiment than a typical horror film. for all its cliches and awkwardness, nothing about it ever feels accidental or imperfect. we wonder about the sensibility behind the camera, but never doubt that there is one. this sense of artistic intention frames even the terrible performances of the female leads, making an effective comic device of the genuinely bad acting. and dieter lazer is MAGNIFICENT as dr. heiter. the film deserved to be remembered for that alone. he's an all-time classic horror villain. without him, the human centipede wouldn't be worth enduring. as a result, no matter how much i hated watching the last half of this film, i still grudgingly respect it.
― naked human hands and a foam rubber head (contenderizer), Tuesday, 2 November 2010 09:44 (eight years ago) link
"without him, the human centipede wouldn't be worth enduring."
Definitely. Although your first paragraph makes me worry about myself for having liked this movie.
― phantoms from a world gone by speak again the immortal tale: (Jenny), Tuesday, 2 November 2010 14:30 (eight years ago) link
this sense of artistic intention frames even the terrible performances of the female leads, making an effective comic device of the genuinely bad acting.
That fact makes the whole concept bearable imo.
― TS: Toad of Toad Hall v Wobbie of Wobbies World (Autumn Almanac), Wednesday, 3 November 2010 08:09 (eight years ago) link
There is absolutely no way in a million hells I will ever watch this film, I am so digusted by shit.
― Sunn O))) Sundae Smile (Trayce), Wednesday, 3 November 2010 09:38 (eight years ago) link
Oh you don't see any, the mouth-anus connections are always sealed.
― TS: Toad of Toad Hall v Wobbie of Wobbies World (Autumn Almanac), Wednesday, 3 November 2010 11:12 (eight years ago) link
aken as a whole, i hated it. i hated its tiresome (but still effectively depressing) nihilism and sadism. i hated that it devolved so quickly from delightful horror caricature to insanely grisly spectacle, and finally to a grinding form of audience punishment. it made me feel bad. coming away i not only felt spiritually crushed, i felt morose about humanity's prospects and worth. i slept badly and had terrible dreams.
See, I don't know what else people would have EXPTECTED from a film like this. No way I'm ever watching it.
― buildings with goats on the roof (James Morrison), Wednesday, 3 November 2010 23:03 (eight years ago) link
i hated that it devolved so quickly from delightful horror caricature to insanely grisly spectacle, and finally to a grinding form of audience punishment. it made me feel bad. coming away i not only felt spiritually crushed, i felt morose about humanity's prospects and worth. i slept badly and had terrible dreams
i think this about all "torture-porn." i don't see the appeal. i know sometimes you have to be shocked to feel alive and appreciate beauty, but there's a limit, and films like this cross it.
― Daniel, Esq., Wednesday, 3 November 2010 23:13 (eight years ago) link
otoh, i still endorse the idea of broken-social-scene being stitched together for the sequel.
they deserve it after that last album.
― Daniel, Esq., Wednesday, 3 November 2010 23:14 (eight years ago) link
I know it's after the holidays, but I just found this...
― something of an astrological coup (tipsy mothra), Friday, 7 January 2011 21:11 (eight years ago) link
on syfy tonight, sky viewers!
didn't look very good
― Achillean Heel (darraghmac), Thursday, 3 March 2011 00:21 (eight years ago) link
its not very good.
― gr8080, Thursday, 3 March 2011 00:37 (eight years ago) link