Favorite lines from Seinfeld?

I'm speechless. I have no speech.

It's like some sort of Bermuda triangle of retail.

"What do you think, junior? You think these hands have been soakin' in Ivory liquid?"

"Cartwright!"

TWWWWWWWWWWWWIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

SALES WOMAN: Did the broker send you over?

KRAMER: Uh, yes, most likely, yes. I'm, uh, H.E. Pennypacker. I'm a wealthy industrialist and philanthropist and, uh, a bicyclist. And, um, yes, I'm looking for a place where I can settle down with my, uh, peculiar habits, and, uh, the women that I frequent with. (sniffing wall) Mmm. Mombassa, hmm?

SALES WOMAN: The asking price is $1.5 million.

KRAMER: Oh, I spend that much on after shave. Yes, I buy and sell men like myself every day. Now, I assume that there's a waterfall grotto?

"THATS why you didnt get the BABY!"

and "Tomato sauce"

The rabbi said i was a man!

Chris 'The Nuts' V's Mr. Pennypacker bit has me in tears.

George: Do you ever get down on your knees and thank G-d that you know me and have access to my dementia?

Jerry: What are you talking about? I'm not gonna do it!

George: Not gonna do it? What are you crazy! This is like discovering plutonium, BY ACCIDENT!!!

I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to make pizza bagels with raisin bagels.

I'm also pretty sure you're not supposed to use a dOnut.

Barney Martin, actor who played Jerry’s dad on Seinfeld, dead at 82
LOS ANGELES (AP) — Barney Martin, a former New York City detective who went into show business and became best known for playing Jerry Seinfeld’s father Morty on the comedian’s hit television series, has died. He was 82.
Martin died of cancer Monday at his Studio City home, according to his publicist, Jennifer Glassman.
Born March 3, 1923, in the New York City borough of Queens, Martin served as a navigator in the Air Force during the Second World War before starting a 20-year career as a New York City police detective.
Martin showed a talent for making deputy police commissioners laugh during presentations. In the 1950s, he began writing on the side for comedy shows such as Name That Tune and The Steve Allen Show.
Martin got his start in film when Mel Brooks featured him in The Producers in 1968. That role launched Martin into Broadway theatre, where he appeared in several musicals, including South Pacific, The Fantasticks, All American and How Now Dow Jones.
He is credited with creating the role of Roxy’s unappreciated husband, Amos Hart, in the musical Chicago.
Martin also appeared in several television series in the 1990s, including The Tony Randall Show, US, Sydney and Zorro and Son.
In Seinfeld, Martin was the third actor to play the part of Seinfeld’s father and became the one most identified with the role of the Florida retiree.
He said at the show’s wrap party in 1998: “Playing Jerry’s dad was like having whipped cream on top of a mountain of ice cream.”
He is survived by his wife and son. A daughter died in 2002 of cancer.

:-( rip

Jerry: "Oh, right. You can't run for condo president because you were impeached at the other condo."

Morty: "I was never impeached! I resigned!"

Helen: "Even so, the press would bury him!"

Jerry: "What press?"

Helen: "The condo newsletter, the Boca Breeze."

Morty: "Pinko Commie rag."

george: who goes to the super bowl with their mailman?

jerry: who goes anywhere with newman?

george: well...he's merry.

"I find pastrami to be the most sensuous of all the salted cured meats"

"DOLORES!!"

I like the kind of stuff that's just observant, which isn't really funny, I don't guess, and not really quotable, but... for instance, I love the fake movies they come up with. They're so possible. "A young girl's strange erotic journey from Milan to Minsk." Or this:

George: Ponce de Leon? But that was great!

Elaine: Oh, come one. That fountain of youth scene at the end, where they're all splashing around, and then they go running over to the mirror to see if it really worked? I mean, come on!

George: Lemme tell you something. When Ponce looked in that mirror and saw that he hadn't changed, and that tear started to roll down his cheek? I lost it.

Yeah, well, at least I'm not going to Hell.

haha i dont even remember that Ponce one.

the one where kramer gets a job/bizarro jerry/and man hands was on last night.

Jerry: whats in the briefcase?
Kramer: Crackers

yeah, caught that. one fave, approximately:

boss: kramer, i've been looking over these reports you turned in, and frankly, your work stinks.
kramer: just trying to get ahead, sir.
boss: it's almost as if you have no business training at all.
kramer: i'll work harder. nights. weekends.
boss: that's not good enough. i'm afraid i'm gonna have to let you go.
kramer: i don't even really work here.
boss: i know. that's why this is so difficult.

and the whole "we never talk any more" scene between jerry and kramer is pretty golden.

the 'we never talk anymore' scene is awesome!

[Jerry's house, it's dark, JERRY is sitting at the table waiting up as KRAMER comes in and turns on the light.]

KRAMER
Jerry. Hey Jerry?

JERRY
I'm right here. [note: he has an athletic bandage on his right hand]

You're late.

KRAMER
Yeah, well, I got held up, you know. What happened to your hand?

JERRY
Like you care.

KRAMER
The work piled up, I lost track of time--

JERRY
[calmly getting up with plate of chicken] Oh! Sure! Sure! You an' your work! Elaine's off in the Bizarro World, George only calls when he wants something, an' I'm left sitting here like this plate of cold chicken, which, by the way, [drops chicken into sink] was, for two.

KRAMER
You cooked?

JERRY
[calm] I ordered in. It's still effort.

KRAMER
[in pain] Ow! Jeez!

JERRY
What's wrong?

KRAMER
{Ow!} It's my stomach.

JERRY
You're probably gettin' an ulcer. This job is killing you! It's killing Us.

this is probably the one you were referencing, but i like the one above a lot too
JERRY
Kramer, put the paper down! You never listen to me anymore! We hardly even talk!

KRAMER
Well, we're, talkin' now, aren't we?--

JERRY
I sit here for twenty lousy minutes in the morning--

KRAMER
Oh here we go--

JERRY
An' then when you come home at night, you're always exhausted--we never do anything anymore!

KRAMER
What are you starting with me for? You know this is my crazy time o' year?!

JERRY
[pause] It's your third day..

KRAMER
[grabs briefcase to leave] I gotta go to work. We'll talk about this later. [leaves]

JERRY
Well.
[calling down the hall] Call if you're gonna be late!

it's like the hundredth time i've caught this episode (or parts of it) and it was the first time i noticed that during the final bit, when the bizarro men, kevin, gene, and feldman are having a group hug, kevin says "me so happy, me could cry." like bizarro superman!

I have never seen the Bizarro episode! It sounds so great! I've been wanting to see it for like eight years now!

Costanza: I am psychic, How did I know I was going to be bald?

Seinfeld: Because your fathers bald!

Costanza: Baldness is inherited from the mothers side, Jerry.

Seinfeld: But your mothers bald too!

The 2 best scenes of Seinfeld:

The Race.. Jerry gets the headstart because of Kramers car. You just see Duncans face while hes running..

Also, at the end of the mom and pop store where Jerry and Kramer are in the bus.. Kramers nose starts bleeding and he goes " Jerry, I'm falling apart here " and the music comes on with Jerry comforting Kramer.

Priceless

in first class on plane
stewardess " More of anything?"
Jerry (euphorically )" More of everything!"

"WHat have you done to yourself!!"
kramer noticing Jerry has shazed his chest

The best episode I've seen is The Note where George gets the massage from the man.

"It... it moved."

Kramer: "Everybody's screaming because the driver, he's passed out because of all the commotion. The bus is out of control! So I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel... Now I'm driving the bus!"
Jerry: "You're Batman."
Kramer: "Yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to and he starts choking me. So, I'm fighting him off with one hand and I kept driving the bus with the other. Then I managed to open up the door and I kicked him out the door with my foot at the next stop."
Jerry: "You kept making all the stops?"
Kramer: "Well, people kept ringing the bell!"

kramer: what do you want to move back in with your parents for?
george: i DON'T want to!
kramer: why don't you just move in with jerry?
jerry: hey, wait a minute...
george: oh, like i'm gonna move in with him. he doesn't even let you use the bathroom.
kramer: well, you can move in with me!
george: (20 second pause) i appreciate that. (pause) that might not work.

one of the seinfeld fake films is referred to obliquely in an episode of Father Ted

Best callback:

In one episode there's a scene with George visiting his mother in the hospital. (This must be "The Contest." She comes home unexpectedly to find him masturbating and falls down in shock. George relating this story leads to the bet.) After the bet he's visiting his mother and in the next bed a beautiful female patient is being given a sponge bath by a beautiful nurse. George has already made the bet so it's killing him, but he can't ignore it. In a later episode (probably the one mentioned above where he gets a massage from the masseur and is wondering if he's gay), he visits his mom again in a similar hospital room but this time a hunky male patient is getting a sponge bath from a hunky male nurse, and he again can't ignore it, though it's giving him all sorts of inner conflict.

No, that's in the episode where the NYU journalist thinks they're gay. The one with the great bit about the two-line phone.

Ah yes, "Not that there's anything wrong with it. If that's who you are."

Exactly my fave:

"Not that there's anything wrong with that!" - and moving your hands apart in a flat gesture at the same time.

Also:
George when being fired because he selpt with the cleaning lady:
"Was that ... wrong?"

Seinfeld is often praised for its dialogue, but I also think that the acting and the little schticks are a very important reason why the series is so lovable. E.g. George and Jerry's "tolerant" gay hand gesture, Jerrys near-inability to actually act, his high-pitched voice, the bit where Elaine cringes and almost breaks down because John-John is not at the gym, George's pauses, Kramer's clumsiness etc. I never fancied Kramer's door entrée much, though. Too staged.

Also:
George when being fired because he selpt with the cleaning lady:
"Was that ... wrong?"
on his office desk, that was.

Jerry: Marriage is a big step though! It will change your entire life forever!
Elaine: It's 3:30 in the morning and I'm at a cockfight. What am I clinging to?

I WAS GOING TO POST THAT

Just saw that one last night!

Yeah I know!

I can't stop watching this, I only discovered it early this year and I'm hooked. I now have the first 6 seasons on dvd and they're never off my telly.

Does anyone know when the next one will be released?

"Maria, poquendo los scientos de estes con gleam!"

you only discovered this now? You lucky cunt! :-)

when kramer tells elaine that he's used his slicer to slice pieces of meat so thin he couldn't even see them and she asks how, then, he knew he'd sliced them and he says "I guess I...just assumed!!!"

George: I'm sorry the card says "Moops."

I don't remember the Kramer slicer assumption, but it sounds like it was borrowing from The Third Policeman.

From the cockfighting episode (which is brilliant all the way): Jerry used a clown-cheque in a bodega, which was so old it bounced. The owner of the bodega then put it up the register, to shame Jerry.

Jerry: "Come on Marcelino, I paid you fifty dollar already. Can't you take down the cheque?"
Marcelino: "Ehno, sorry, estore-policy."
Jerry: "But it's *your* store!"
Marcelino: "Even I am not above estore-policy."

From the last episode, some Kramer gold:

Jerry: Hey - how was the beach?
Kramer: Oh, you missed it, buddy - lot of femininas - some major femininas!

Kramer: You're moving to California?
Jerry: Yeah, only for a while.
Kramer: Yeah, but Jerry, what happens if the show's a hit? You could be out there for years! You might never come back.
Jerry: No, I'll be back.
Kramer: Jerry. It's L.A, nobody leaves. She's a seductress, she's a siren, she's a virgin, she's a who-ooorreeee!

"Or is that how you get your kicks? you and yer good-time buddies"