OK, is this the worst piece of music writing ever?

http://turntabling.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/mondo-cane-sountrack-vinyl-lp.jpg

that mondo cane soundtrack album has a spectacular cover.

Yes. Yes it is. Capt. Obvious graces with a stunning revelation.

hahahah that review is hilarious, someone should write in about that

this 9-year-old essay (by pioneering internet poet/narcissist/literary critic Dan Schneider) about how Jewel and Alanis Morrissette are better lyricists than Joni Mitchell and Patti Smith has long held a special place in my heart as one of the most irritating pieces of writing I've ever read:

OK- pop quiz: you are reading this essay in 2027. What do these names mean to you? Brandy, Pink, Shakira, Blu Cantrell, Nelly Furtado, Faith Evans, Aaliyah. If you guessed millennial names of types of liquor- WRONG! These are names of some of the hottest soul/black music pop babes of 2002. All of them are sexy & severe lookers, although little talent could be ascribed to them. Most are critically panned. Round 2: How about these names? Christina Aguilera, Mandy Moore, Britney Spears, Willa Ford, Jessica Simpson. If your 1st thought was ‘porno stars’ you are not that far off. These are the cute white versions of the aforementioned- all blond, all as talentless (or more so than their dusky counterparts), & all under 21 at the start of their careers. In order this is what they are noted for: CA’s the most talented but anorexic; MM’s cute & sweet; BS’s the biggest star & a virgin (chuckle); WF’s a dumb slut, & (for emphasis) a slut; & JS’s also a virgin who wishes she were BS. To be fair, JS is actually a very good- & healthy-looking babe & the only one who projects a non-binge & purge appearance- whether she or the others have talent- well…. In truth neither group is likely to be recalled in a quarter century.

Already, some of the hottest female stars from the 1990s have sunk slowly out of sight. Where have Sheryl Crow, Jennifer Trynin, Natalie Merchant, Tracy Bonham, Joan Osbourne, Lisa Loeb, Gwen Stefani, Chantal Kreviazuk, Courtney Love, Sinéad O’Connor, Fiona Apple, Jennifer Paige, Björk, Tori Amos, Ani DiFranco, Michelle Branch, Natalie Imbruglia, Shawn Colvin, or that Lilith Queen Sarah McLachlan been lately? (Not to mention crossover country/pop divas Shania Twain & Faith Hill?) Chances are none of these names will mean much to you either- in 2027, especially. Only FA might survive- but as a jazz singer. But there are 2 oddly named female pop stars from the 1990s that are my bet to last- artistically & namewise- to 2027 & beyond. They are the Canadian brunet bombshell Alanis Morissette & the Alaskan blond burbler Jewel Kilcher.

Before I get to demolishing the myth of the superior & ‘more relevant’ lyrics of the older duo, let me state- there are things I like about PS & JM- & their music. It simply is not superior (to a discerning ear) to anything AM or JK have achieved at this stage in their careers- not to mention the music of a # of the other 90s pop babes mentioned earlier. In fact, the younger duo’s songs are the equal or superior to the older duo’s- both at similar stages of their careers & overall. Another caveat- I will analyze just the song lyrics (I am an expert with words)- I’ve not the desire nor will too argue the more nebulous & almost totally subjective debate over excellence of the music- or not.

Music critics are notoriously bad- rivaling even poetry critics in their uselessness- although, music- really- could do without critics far more than poetry. Poetry’s critics suck ass to an Academic & Outsider elite who represent a very marginalized core. Music critics have almost ZERO effect on honorifics, & even less on sales. Perhaps the only arts where criticism has a relevance is the visual arts- both painting, & especially film- which (surprise, surprise) is the easiest (for its accessibility) of the arts to criticize. But music- people like what they like & don’t give a damn that the critics stroke themselves over the awful alternadronings of an Ani DiFranco or Björk. Even the lay ear knows bad when it hears it- in fact, most music critics are so out of touch with the masses that they cannot face the fact that the reason most ‘alternative’ music acts do not get airplay (even admitting that various forms of payola still exist) nor become million-sellers, is that their music plain old sucks! Despite how the critics rave about it!

. Over & again, I maintain that all of the so-called excellence & ‘Golden Age’ of female musicianship of the 60s is merely the predictable product of a generational need to justify its place in history. Just as Tom Brokaw’s Greatest Generation of WW2 MUST BE greater than the slaggards from the 60s Free Love Generation, so does that generation stake its claim by overinflating its (especially female) musicians’ relevance & excellence vis-à-vis the 90s-00s generation of songstresses. This is due to the relative paucity of feminine influence on rock-n-roll (& pop) music in general, no doubt.

there are so many things to hate about this guy's writing, from his seedy objectification of popstars ("Jessica Simpson is actually a very good- & healthy-looking babe & the only one who projects a non-binge & purge appearance"...blech) in a work that purports to be scholarly and objective, to the hypocrisy of railing against the worship of baby boomers while failing to take new artists seriously if they don't pander to baby boomer tastes or pass an imaginary test of time (Fiona Apple as a jazz singer in 2027? prescient!), to his beef with strawman "PC elitists", to his treatment of "female musicians" as a separate breed fit only to be compared to other female musicians, to his snide blanket statements about other music critics, to his use of initials in place of the musicians' actual names, to his insistence on the primacy of lyrical analysis over musical analysis and his failure to realize that as a poetry critic he isn't likely to be an expert at either. even when he says something level-headed (he has a point — though it's hardly an original one — about the pervasiveness of elder worship) he generally crawls up his own ass within a few sentences. but really, the whole thing just has to be read in its 8,700-word, initial-packed glory to be appreciated for the classic badness that it is.

oops, link here:

http://www.cosmoetica.com/B41-DES20.htm

"their dusky counterparts"

Regardless of quality AM, doubtless, has the most powerful voice in the quartet. So much so that it may be worth comparing her to black pop divas/screechers Whitney Houston & Mariah Carey, rather than the 3 others.

"black pop diva/screecher Mariah Carey"

lolling that the current household names out of that list are Pink, Xtina, Britney and Shakira

ppl still know Jewel and Alanis but they are not really musical vanguards anymore

JSimp still being around but not as a musician is also lol

had Jewel released "Fat Boy" by the time he wrote this?

also did he not know Pink was white?

Unless I missed a huge part of Willa Ford's marketing, this guy is a huge douchebag and doesn't deserve one iota of attention. I mean, jesus christ, coming straight out and calling a female singer a "dumb slut"?

had Jewel released "Fat Boy" by the time he wrote this?

yup. but this guy must've had a small stroke when she released "Intuition" about a year after he wrote that essay.

one of his favorite hobbies (besides clunky music criticism) is 'improving' critically acclaimed poems by rewriting chunks of them in his far more tasteful, far superior writing style. I don't have a problem with questioning the received wisdom w/r/t canonical texts, but this dude truly has an ego that won't quit.

I haven't paid much attention to him since I was like 16, but he's still good for the occasional lol nowadays.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LyC59VuGbMs

this should be linked everywhere so that people stop thinking Jewel can write songs

DJP it's 2011 and I'm pretty sure even Jewel no longer thinks she can write good songs.

"Fat Boy" sounds like a Belly song from a fantasy universe (circa 1992) in which Tanya Donnelly is an absolute fucking moron.

wow, "fat boy" is pretty hilarious.

Hush, sleep
Don't think, just eat

Top Comments

I'm Fat.
Gorthakk 2 years ago

lol @ that jewel song, its basically a in irl version of this

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jv6mEv_rDdE

DJP it's 2011 and I'm pretty sure even Jewel no longer thinks she can write good songs.

She is the host and judge of a competitive songwriting show!

http://www.nbcumv.com/mediavillage/networks/bravo/platinumhit

Not gonna add this to one of the zillion Loutallica threads because it really belongs in a thread about bad music writing. This review of Lulu really irritates me:

http://www.volcanictongue.com/columns/show/17

And this is what Lou Reed and Metallica are becoming: Rock'n'roll animals in the perverted zoo of the internet. Yes, Lulu is about sex. It is a 69 between Lou Reed and Metallica. Lou's tongue is a chainsaw with rusted links (for infection and maximum durability). Metallica gets cut in two and will never recover.

Yes, Lulu is about sex. It is a 69 between Lou Reed and Metallica. Lou's tongue is a chainsaw with rusted links (for infection and maximum durability)

This is like conservatives with totalitarian envy.

idk I kinda liked that, it prolly helps if you have a working idea of Mattin's sense of humour

stand back, gary giddins...

http://blogs.villagevoice.com/music/2012/11/ten_jazz_albums_to_hear_before_you_die.php

cool i'll add those to my bucket list thx village voice

they paved pazz & jop and put in about.com

hard to even pick an excerpt, but man

Probably one of the hippest figures in jazz, Thelonious Monk was a genius who was able to see notes on the piano that didn't even exist in Western music. When he would sit down on the piano, he would strike two half notes (notes next to each other that sound awful when played together) to simulate the imaginary notes between the two piano keys.

okay, so that piece isn't great. but it's not exactly terrible either.

Oh, dude, it is so terrible.

In fact, I knew this thread revival was going to be about this list.

okay, so that piece isn't great. but it's not exactly terrible either.

― Chuck_Norris_on_the_topic_of_obesity (stevie), Tuesday, November 13, 2012 3:07 PM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

how is it not exactly terrible? It is exactly terrible.

If you think about the course of hip-hop, then can you really imagine groups like Tribe Called Quest or even someone like Tupac without a cultural and musical prophet like Coltrane?

6. Miles Davis
Bitches Brew
I'm not saying that you have to like this album. But it's one you just have to listen to before you die; it's kind of like looking at Abstract Expressionism or listening to Morton Feldman -- it just might not jive with you. Bitches Brew was released in 1970. The first time I heard this album, I thought it was a joke. In fact, I was kind of pissed. Where was the melody? Where was the catchy rhythm? Well, it's so shocking the first time you hear it that it forces you to question what jazz and music can be. It makes you think about structure and limitations of our current music. The prison of the human ear. Ah, enough of that. Just listen to the album. Chaos and cacophony defined.

Charles Mingus is the godfather of the upright bass

This is a hilarious article. Serious laughs.

"it just might not jive with you" <-- wtf

that's not even getting to the fact that he's making Bitches Brew sound like a Naked City release

The first time I heard this album, I thought it was a joke. In fact, I was kind of pissed. Where was the melody? Where was the catchy rhythm?

thanks, i cdn't think of a suitable vehicle for laughing at that BB piece

for some reason my favourite detail is his assertion that there are multiple decades of jazz.

brb gonna go play some half notes on my piano -- they're not even known to western music and basically imaginary

village voice sneaking geir hongro into its freelance rolodex under another name

the vicious atonal skronk of Bitches Brew was so mind-blowing in its redefinition of what music cd be that only 10 years earlier were dudes like Coleman and Ayler able to catch up

for some reason my favourite detail is his assertion that there are multiple decades of jazz.

― Yorkshire lass born and bred, that's me, said Katriona's hologram. (thomp), Tuesday, November 13, 2012 3:21 PM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

I loved this too

it's kind of like looking at Abstract Expressionism or listening to Morton Feldman -- it just might not jive with you.

yes of course what idiot would do these things for pleasure

http://blogs.ocweekly.com/heardmentality/2012/11/10_albums_while_studying.php?page=4

3. Simon Trpceski -- Debussy: Images

Claude Debussy is one of the best French composers and probably artists, and that says a hell of lot. His compositions were analogous to the paintings of the impressionists, and he hoped when you listened to his music, you saw, literally, similar visualizations of Monet. That's why he called his work Images. You can find an album by Simon Trpceski on Spotify. Take for instance Debussy's, "Clair De Lune." It's probably one of the most famous works in music -- played in everything from lullabies to film scores. And really, it's not just a song. It's a painting that will set all 100,000,000,000 neurons in the average human brain on fire.

village voice sneaking geir hongro into its freelance rolodex under another name

Geir would NEVER have made that half note gaffe

brb gonna go play some half notes on my piano -- they're not even known to western music and basically imaginary

― drunk 'n' white's elements of style (Hurting 2), Tuesday, November 13, 2012 3:21 PM (4 minutes ago)

Can't you read they're in between those

In a way, studying or being creative is kind of like sex. Yes, you can probably have it any time you want (some of us, anyway), but sometimes, it's really about being in the right mood.

Joseph Lapin, ladies and gentlemen.

i like the idea that this guy was pissed at miles davis for the way a 43 yr old undisputed masterpiece sounded.

named after the Williamsburg Bridge, which connects Manhattan to Brooklyn.

lmao @ this bit of trivia being in the village voice

At one point, Head Hunters was the best selling jazz album of all time. Be warned though, there is experimentation happening here.