Seahorse DNA Found on Turin Shroud

ah, so the Turin Shroud is the true burial garment of Christ, according to the History Channel documentary I half-watched last night. In summary:

• see those red blotches that look like bloodstains? those are bloodstains
• the image on the shroud is 2-dimensional, but it encodes 3-dimensional information ...kinda like the holographic Lisa Frank unicorn stickers we stuck on each other's binders back in middle school
• holographs are, like, a metaphor for the cosmos
• be the Ryzarector, resurrect the mental dead
• radiocarbon dating has zero credibility in this 6014-year-old world of ours
• THE KNIGHTS TEMPLAR
• it's amazing what a brother can do with Photoshop these days. just a few clicks of the mouse and voilà! Che lives:

welcome to the uncanny valley, Bible thumpers!

(no mention of seahorse DNA, regrettably)

Thank you for synopsis.

'twas a pleasure, Mr. Quern.