Favorite lines from Seinfeld?

"I'm like a Phoenix...rising from Arizona"

That whole thing about that guy Poppy and the couch he peed on, that was funny.

In seasons 2-3 there's a surprising amount of continuity, i.e. dropping little references to something that happened three episodes ago, which I never noticed until watching the dvds.

(George, cheating on the IQ test) (paraphrasing)

Girlfriend: There's food all over this test, where'd you get it?
George: From my pocket.
Girlfriend: And there's coffee on it, where'd you get that?
George: From the coffee shop
Girlfriend: But I didn't see you leave. I was by the door the entire time.
George: The door? Why would I use the door when there's a perfectly good window right here?

Kramer: Yeah, well, Joe Pepitone or not, I own the inside of that plate. So I
throw one, you know, inside, you know, a little chin music, put him right on his
pants. Cause I gotta intimidate when I'm on the mound. Well the next pitch,
he's right back in the same place. So, I had to plunk him.

Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle ... Costanza?

Jerry: So, you're on a desert island. What three books would you bring?
George: I gotta read three books?
Jerry: OK, one.
George: The Three Musketeers.
Jerry: You've read that?
George: No, I'm saving it for the island.

"Just getting some fruit ... for myself."

"Art Vandelay? This is my boyfriend?"
"That's your boyfriend."
"What does he do?"
"He's an importer."
"Just imports? No exports?"
"He's an importer-exporter. Okay?"

"Look at you, you're disgusting. You're bald, you're paunchy. All kinds of sounds are emanating from your body twenty-four hours a day. If there's a woman that can take your presence for more than ten consecutive seconds, you should hang on to her like grim death... which is not far off by the way."

Ping (Chinese Delivery Guy): Head hurts. Head really hurts.
Jerry: What happened?
Elaine: Marla and I went out for coffee and afterwards I was crossing the street and he was biking right towards me. So I got out of the way just in time, but then he ran into a parked car. He hit his head and everything went flying.
George: Something happened to the food!?

E:"Bizarro Jerry?"

J:"Yeah, like Bizarro Superman, Superman's exact opposite, who lives in the backwards Bizarro world. Up is down, down is up, he says hello when he leaves, goodbye when he arrives."

E:"Shouldn't he say badbye? Isn't that the opposite of goodbye?"

J:"No, it's still goodbye."

E:"Does he live underwater?"

J:"No."

E:"Is he black?"

J:"Look, just forget the whole thing."

E:"So, what you are saying is that ninety to ninety-five percent of the population is undateable?"

J:"Undateable!"

E:"But people meet all the time. How do you explain that?"

J:"Alcohol."

Kramer: "Why don't you just tell me the name of the movie you're looking for?"

newman 'south america! what kind of snowblower did you get us involved with!'

Elaine: I will never understand people.
Jerry: They're the worst!

the george IQ test excuse quoted above is all abt the exquisite timing.

does zemko still not like seinfeld?

YOU CAN ALWAYS TRUST SLIPPERY PETE

I'm speechless. I have no speech.

It's like some sort of Bermuda triangle of retail.

"What do you think, junior? You think these hands have been soakin' in Ivory liquid?"

"Cartwright!"

TWWWWWWWWWWWWIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

SALES WOMAN: Did the broker send you over?

KRAMER: Uh, yes, most likely, yes. I'm, uh, H.E. Pennypacker. I'm a wealthy industrialist and philanthropist and, uh, a bicyclist. And, um, yes, I'm looking for a place where I can settle down with my, uh, peculiar habits, and, uh, the women that I frequent with. (sniffing wall) Mmm. Mombassa, hmm?

SALES WOMAN: The asking price is $1.5 million.

KRAMER: Oh, I spend that much on after shave. Yes, I buy and sell men like myself every day. Now, I assume that there's a waterfall grotto?

"THATS why you didnt get the BABY!"

and "Tomato sauce"

The rabbi said i was a man!

Chris 'The Nuts' V's Mr. Pennypacker bit has me in tears.

George: Do you ever get down on your knees and thank G-d that you know me and have access to my dementia?

Jerry: What are you talking about? I'm not gonna do it!

George: Not gonna do it? What are you crazy! This is like discovering plutonium, BY ACCIDENT!!!

I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to make pizza bagels with raisin bagels.

I'm also pretty sure you're not supposed to use a dOnut.

Barney Martin, actor who played Jerry’s dad on Seinfeld, dead at 82
LOS ANGELES (AP) — Barney Martin, a former New York City detective who went into show business and became best known for playing Jerry Seinfeld’s father Morty on the comedian’s hit television series, has died. He was 82.
Martin died of cancer Monday at his Studio City home, according to his publicist, Jennifer Glassman.
Born March 3, 1923, in the New York City borough of Queens, Martin served as a navigator in the Air Force during the Second World War before starting a 20-year career as a New York City police detective.
Martin showed a talent for making deputy police commissioners laugh during presentations. In the 1950s, he began writing on the side for comedy shows such as Name That Tune and The Steve Allen Show.
Martin got his start in film when Mel Brooks featured him in The Producers in 1968. That role launched Martin into Broadway theatre, where he appeared in several musicals, including South Pacific, The Fantasticks, All American and How Now Dow Jones.
He is credited with creating the role of Roxy’s unappreciated husband, Amos Hart, in the musical Chicago.
Martin also appeared in several television series in the 1990s, including The Tony Randall Show, US, Sydney and Zorro and Son.
In Seinfeld, Martin was the third actor to play the part of Seinfeld’s father and became the one most identified with the role of the Florida retiree.
He said at the show’s wrap party in 1998: “Playing Jerry’s dad was like having whipped cream on top of a mountain of ice cream.”
He is survived by his wife and son. A daughter died in 2002 of cancer.

:-( rip

Jerry: "Oh, right. You can't run for condo president because you were impeached at the other condo."

Morty: "I was never impeached! I resigned!"

Helen: "Even so, the press would bury him!"

Jerry: "What press?"

Helen: "The condo newsletter, the Boca Breeze."

Morty: "Pinko Commie rag."

george: who goes to the super bowl with their mailman?

jerry: who goes anywhere with newman?

george: well...he's merry.

"I find pastrami to be the most sensuous of all the salted cured meats"

"DOLORES!!"

I like the kind of stuff that's just observant, which isn't really funny, I don't guess, and not really quotable, but... for instance, I love the fake movies they come up with. They're so possible. "A young girl's strange erotic journey from Milan to Minsk." Or this:

George: Ponce de Leon? But that was great!

Elaine: Oh, come one. That fountain of youth scene at the end, where they're all splashing around, and then they go running over to the mirror to see if it really worked? I mean, come on!

George: Lemme tell you something. When Ponce looked in that mirror and saw that he hadn't changed, and that tear started to roll down his cheek? I lost it.

Yeah, well, at least I'm not going to Hell.

haha i dont even remember that Ponce one.

the one where kramer gets a job/bizarro jerry/and man hands was on last night.

Jerry: whats in the briefcase?
Kramer: Crackers

yeah, caught that. one fave, approximately:

boss: kramer, i've been looking over these reports you turned in, and frankly, your work stinks.
kramer: just trying to get ahead, sir.
boss: it's almost as if you have no business training at all.
kramer: i'll work harder. nights. weekends.
boss: that's not good enough. i'm afraid i'm gonna have to let you go.
kramer: i don't even really work here.
boss: i know. that's why this is so difficult.

and the whole "we never talk any more" scene between jerry and kramer is pretty golden.

the 'we never talk anymore' scene is awesome!

[Jerry's house, it's dark, JERRY is sitting at the table waiting up as KRAMER comes in and turns on the light.]

KRAMER
Jerry. Hey Jerry?

JERRY
I'm right here. [note: he has an athletic bandage on his right hand]

You're late.

KRAMER
Yeah, well, I got held up, you know. What happened to your hand?

JERRY
Like you care.

KRAMER
The work piled up, I lost track of time--

JERRY
[calmly getting up with plate of chicken] Oh! Sure! Sure! You an' your work! Elaine's off in the Bizarro World, George only calls when he wants something, an' I'm left sitting here like this plate of cold chicken, which, by the way, [drops chicken into sink] was, for two.

KRAMER
You cooked?

JERRY
[calm] I ordered in. It's still effort.

KRAMER
[in pain] Ow! Jeez!

JERRY
What's wrong?

KRAMER
{Ow!} It's my stomach.

JERRY
You're probably gettin' an ulcer. This job is killing you! It's killing Us.

this is probably the one you were referencing, but i like the one above a lot too
JERRY
Kramer, put the paper down! You never listen to me anymore! We hardly even talk!

KRAMER
Well, we're, talkin' now, aren't we?--

JERRY
I sit here for twenty lousy minutes in the morning--

KRAMER
Oh here we go--

JERRY
An' then when you come home at night, you're always exhausted--we never do anything anymore!

KRAMER
What are you starting with me for? You know this is my crazy time o' year?!

JERRY
[pause] It's your third day..

KRAMER
[grabs briefcase to leave] I gotta go to work. We'll talk about this later. [leaves]

JERRY
Well.
[calling down the hall] Call if you're gonna be late!

it's like the hundredth time i've caught this episode (or parts of it) and it was the first time i noticed that during the final bit, when the bizarro men, kevin, gene, and feldman are having a group hug, kevin says "me so happy, me could cry." like bizarro superman!

I have never seen the Bizarro episode! It sounds so great! I've been wanting to see it for like eight years now!

Costanza: I am psychic, How did I know I was going to be bald?

Seinfeld: Because your fathers bald!

Costanza: Baldness is inherited from the mothers side, Jerry.

Seinfeld: But your mothers bald too!

The 2 best scenes of Seinfeld:

The Race.. Jerry gets the headstart because of Kramers car. You just see Duncans face while hes running..

Also, at the end of the mom and pop store where Jerry and Kramer are in the bus.. Kramers nose starts bleeding and he goes " Jerry, I'm falling apart here " and the music comes on with Jerry comforting Kramer.

Priceless

in first class on plane
stewardess " More of anything?"
Jerry (euphorically )" More of everything!"

"WHat have you done to yourself!!"
kramer noticing Jerry has shazed his chest

The best episode I've seen is The Note where George gets the massage from the man.

"It... it moved."

Kramer: "Everybody's screaming because the driver, he's passed out because of all the commotion. The bus is out of control! So I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel... Now I'm driving the bus!"
Jerry: "You're Batman."
Kramer: "Yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to and he starts choking me. So, I'm fighting him off with one hand and I kept driving the bus with the other. Then I managed to open up the door and I kicked him out the door with my foot at the next stop."
Jerry: "You kept making all the stops?"
Kramer: "Well, people kept ringing the bell!"

kramer: what do you want to move back in with your parents for?
george: i DON'T want to!
kramer: why don't you just move in with jerry?
jerry: hey, wait a minute...
george: oh, like i'm gonna move in with him. he doesn't even let you use the bathroom.
kramer: well, you can move in with me!
george: (20 second pause) i appreciate that. (pause) that might not work.