Have You Ever Shit Your Pants?

Once, in the middle of a pub, while paralytic on Guinness.

i didn't mind the nicknames (they never actually materialised) but i didn't have a girlfriend that wasn't a holidayer until i moved

I'm allowed to shit my pants once a year. And that's it. For many years I held true to that pact, until a few years ago I accidentally did it twice. Funny thing is, the incidents were about three weeks apart during the summer. Wearing shorts too. So after that, I decided to go two years without doing it. It was a success. And then this past new year's day, I failed again. Nine hours after after the ball dropped, I let one slip by. My wife doesn't let me forget about that one. Bottom line, never trust a fart folks.

I knew something terrible was going to happen today, just felt it from the first moment I woke up.
It could have been worse, really.

The moment I wake up
Before I put on my make up
I do a little shart for you

And while combing my hair now
you know that my pants are brown, ow
I do a little shart for you

ahh the memories

was worried I'd join this hall of shame yesterday.

went to go see some friends in a local community theatre show (kid friendly). this theatre is very small, 30 seats or so, and one bathroom only. and I know the owners of it very well.

I got to the theatre 10 minutes prior to showtime and around 5 minutes prior, my bowels began asserting their dominance. Like, it was going to be explosive. At the time, the bathroom was occupied, I'd have no time to use it prior to showtime. so I figured I'd just deal with it.

it was a kid's show so it was only a 30 minute first act, but it was the longest 30 minutes ever. At the beginning, they asked us to stand, so I farted some of it out and thought it was over. 15 minutes later, it was back.

Intermission comes and I feel like omg, I'm not gonna make it. However - again, only one bathroom. and there was no way I was going to hold up the bathroom line by dropping a log that might take 20 minutes to get rid of. so I go outside to see if there are any local businesses I can hit up. Nope, not within walking distance. so I keep walking and fart it out a little more, go back inside.

don't want to leave at this point because I couldn't come back on another night and figured I could hang on for another 30 minutes, after the latest round of farts. so I walk back to my seat, where the theatre owner asks me if I can play a bit role (the Magic Mirror) in Act 2 (short story - the actress who was slated to play the role had a seizure backstage on opening night, so they had been filling it with guests and giving them a script every night since). Ok, cool, I say.

I feel ok for ten minutes or so, and then Snow White shows up on stage and my stomach starts to bubble again. Panicked, I turned to the theatre owner (who was seated behind me) and asked "when is Magic Mirror up?", and he told me....next. fuck. I was *sweating* at this point. But I breathed a little and managed to get to feeling a lil better and they called me up on stage.

I did my bit part for 5 mins and fortunately didn't shit myself on stage, and the distraction actually helped. so I go back to my seat figuring the worst is over, then after the show I can rush home and dumpski to my heart's delight.

But no, the sensation to dump got worse and worse. and one of my friends hadn't done her part yet so I didn't want to frantically run to the bathroom.

well, she did her part, and at that point, I couldn't wait any longer, and basically bolted past the audience into the one-seater bathroom and just destrrrrrrroyed it, but it was a quick dump. managed to do my business and get cleaned up in a tidy 5 minutes.

got back to my seat (one of the rare places that doesn't care about re-entry) - and was just in time for characters on stage to address me in the audience as my character! but now I was feeling fine enough to actually laugh loudly with the audience.

the official story I gave my friends was that I had to "pee very badly". still giggling about how silly last night was.

I nearly shit myself this morning!

I had to deposit a check at my bank, about 15 minutes from my house. I was feeling really lazy, so after changing out of my pajamas, i just threw on a pair of khakis and went commando rather than run back upstairs to add underwear to the equation. Stopped off at the dunkin donuts drive-thru to get a large coffee. Made it to the bank and realized the coffee hit my stomach wrong, but it took three tries for the machine to accept my check. Heading home, I didn't want to stop anywhere and shit up some poor store's bathroom. Being Sunday morning, there wasn't much open anyway. I just drove on, hoping for green lights.

Finally made it home and dashed in the door, farting with every footfall as I leapt up the front steps. I wasn't entirely sure at the time that I wasn't shitting my pants, but by the grace of god I was saved. Thankfully the family was still asleep and no one impeded my dash to the john.

always kinda excited when this thread is revived

1nce or fore times since i was tewelve, but who r u to judge, only god can judge my anus

― Pooping Christ, Thursday, July 31, 2008 1:06 AM (7 years ago)

I like Neanderthal's story but I'm kinda boggling at the idea that 5 minutes is a "quick dump"

For what my stomach was doing I was feeling like a 20 minute session was on deck. So lucky

fair enough. I guess I'm more selfish than you are because I wouldn't have had much compunction about hogging the bathroom for however it took to resolve the issue.

(kid friendly)

There's just something about shit-your-pants stories that makes them the funniest things on earth.
― Dan I. (Dan I.), Monday, December 15, 2003 3:27 AM bookmarkflaglink

I think it's the shit in pants part.
― oops (Oops), Monday, December 15, 2003 3:43 AM bookmarkflaglink

I shared this exchange with my friend and she quotes it incessantly now. 19 years after it was made!

I am struck by how the tenor of this board has changed since the early aughts.

-- oops (Oops)

From The Athletic:

It was 2001, and the Seahawks played the http://i.imgur.com/QbYzHTH.jpg in D.C. Tobeck felt fine on the flight over and fine that afternoon, but in the evening, his stomach started sounding alarms.

“I guess violent would be the word for it,” he says.

It was so bad that the team quarantined him, moving out roommate Steve Hutchinson. Tobeck didn’t come out of his room, but by Sunday afternoon — and with the help from some medication designed to clog him up — he thought he could play.

“I’ll never forget Holmgren,” Tobeck says. “I walked by Holmgren before the game and he just looked at me, real serious, and said, ‘Tough it out.’”

Backed by those uplifting words from his coach, Tobeck took the field for the first series of the game. He was locked in hand-to-hand combat with Dan Wilkinson, a 340-pound defensive tackle nicknamed Big Daddy.

“I’ve got to deal with the stomach issues, plus I have to deal with Big Daddy,” Tobeck says.

Then, disaster. Shaun Alexander took a handoff and, without anywhere else to go, rammed into Tobeck.

Say Tobeck: “Knocked the wind out of me, knocked everything else out of me.”

Tobeck stayed in the game, but when he finally left the field, he asked the trainers and equipment staff for a new pair of pants. And a bucket.

“I would come off to the sideline and there was a bucket there, and the poor guys had to stand around me with a towel,” he says. “I was shitting in a bucket on the sideline during a game.”

Tobeck, it’s worth pointing out, played center, and at some point during the game, a trainer had the sense to walk over to quarterback Matt Hasselbeck and tell him he might want to stop licking his fingers.

THIS is the kind of sports journalism that I pay quality money for.

while i am not a sports person i am charmed by the image of quarterbacks licking their fingers during a game. i presume this is to make for a stickier grip? or just because quarterback fingers are delicious?? the quarterback mouth germs must be astonishing. entire new forms or life could be brewing in there. tiny mutant football players spilling out of their mouths. perhaps that is where rugby players come from.

Is this the most successful thread I've ever started here, or is it the "unavailable sodas you've known and loved" one? I hope it's the latter.

Well, you should look at quality, not quantity. That said, this is your most successful thread