Craigslist hilarity

photo taken in attic = still lives with parents?

i dunno but i saw a guy wearing chain mail in orlando once. maybe these two should hang out.

they can be the houseband at medieval times

I'm back in L.A.

I have another T.V.

wow this could be the chorus of a great song (including the rest of it as verses obviously)

I showed you that my TV worked. I put the cat outside.

flintstonesopeningcredits.jpg

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ksc/395322346.html

We could go get dinner (under $20), and watch a movie. Also I’m allergic to cats.

Oh hell no.

http://littlerock.craigslist.org/zip/692592254.html

someone doesn't really want to part with that printer.

http://gawker.com/392686/cash+waving-craigslist-players-fury-these-photos-are-mines

We have DSL....let me say that I will burn your section of the house down. I thought I was done after those two and then I read the christian wife ad and the cinderblock one. Craigslist; don't ever change.

I partake in only adventure/fantasy role play, no creepy goth stuff, it’s too weird.

O_O

http://madison.craigslist.org/mis/701252292.html

I see you everywhere. On the streets. In your cars. In class. At work. At bars. At restaurants. And all I want to do is go up to you and say just one thing:

Fuck you.

Fuck you incessantly bitching. About everything. About your ex-boyfriend. About your current boyfriend. About your slutty roommate. About your roommate who never gets laid. About your hangover. About all the lame TV. Shut. Your. Fat. Fucking. Mouth. You don’t like something? Change it. Who gives a fuck about your roommate. She’s having more/less sex than you? Why does it even matter. You saw your ex-boyfriend with another girl, and even though “you totally don’t care, like, at all”, you still talk and talk and talk about him. About nothing at all. Don’t like your current boyfriend? Talk to him. Dump him. Do something. Life is such a fucking adventure. Life is fleeting. Make it count. Do something. Change something. Take some fucking responsibility. Make it worth living.

Fuck you for not being able to choose the right men. Fuck you for following the same sorry pattern of behavior you always do, like a fucking clock. Fuck you for picking up someone at a bar, fucking him, and crying when he doesn’t call. What the fuck did you expect? Fuck you for going back to your ex-boyfriend, who’s always 3-5 years older, works a fucking dead end job, drinks every night, and has a career aspiration that he hasn’t followed up on in years. But he’s a musician. He’s an artist. He’s something that impresses you. So you stay. Because you’re weak. Because you’re stupid. Fuck. You. Fuck you for jumping from relationship to relationship like fucking lily pads. If the last two starving artists were insensitive, cheated on you, and made you pay for everything, does it nor stand to reason that the third one might be, gosh, the same? Maybe?

Fuck you for not calling. Fuck you for letting me think that our date went really well. (Oh, I guess that four-hour walk we went punctuated by making out was because you felt uncomfortable saying “no thanks”, right? Fuck you). Fuck you for not being a grown up. Fuck you for not taking responsibility. Fuck you for not saying three words: “I’m not interested”. Fuck you for not growing up. Fuck you for smoking. It’s a filthy motherfucking disgusting habit, and kissing you tastes like licking an industrial smokestack. Yes I’m judging you. Fuck you for spending hundreds of dollars on stupid, bullshit, trivialities. Fuck you for getting mad when I express an opinion you don’t want to hear.

Fuck you for getting mad when I play video games. I don’t get pissy when you and your inane girlfriends watch Sex and the City, do I? (Even though I should because it encourages all of you to act like stupid tramps. Chasing that theoretical “perfect man”. Mindlessly drinking. Expecting unrealistic media constructs that don’t exist in real life. Fuck you). No, I don’t get pissy when you do those things. You know why? They relax you. That’s why I play video games. They’re relaxing. They let the mind take a vacation from all the shit. Fuck you for not understanding that. Fuck you for twisting the situation into a them or me choice. Fuck you for thinking they’re juvenile.

Fuck you for wearing golashes. I guess they’re fashionable now, but you looked better in Uggs. They’re just giant pieces of rubber. You look like a fisherman. Or a city sewage worker. Fuck you for thinking small dogs are fashion accessories. That’s a living fucking thing that depends on you for survival. Fuck you for wanting to be like Pairs Hilton. Fuck you for your neo-feminist double standard bullshit you heard a friend say once in college. Oh, you didn’t get that promotion at work just because you’re a woman? Women should be equal to men? You’re right. They should. They absolutely should. But Fuck. You. For expecting me to treat you like a “lady”. You want to talk about a double motherfucking standard? I paid for the gas that I put in the car I paid for with my money to drive you to this over-priced, idiotic restaurant you “had” to go to, where you almost always have too much wine and start yelling and you expect me to pay for the whole thing? Fuck you. Want me to treat you like a lady? Fine. Treat like a motherfucking gentleman. I’ll provide for you, sure. I’ll support you. But that means dinner on the table every day when I get home. That means sex when I say. That means you demure to me in every situation. That means essential domestic slavery. (Yeah, the fifties don’t sound so fucking great now, do they?).

Fuck you buying into that “dangerous to walk at night” bullshit. It’s called common sense. Exercise it. The world wants you to think you’re meek, easily victimized. Take fucking charge. Fuck you for yelling at me when we could have an adult, mature discussion. But instead, you had to categorize every trivial thing I’ve done to piss you off and then they all come tumbling out at once so what could have been conducted in a grown-up manner comes off as a verbal blitzkrieg of everything I don’t do that MTV tells you I should.

Fuck you for telling me about you friends’ boyfriends. Fuck you for thinking that when you say all the things your friends’ boyfriends do that I’m taking it to heart. I’m not. All you’re saying is “These are the ways in which you fail me”. Fuck you for asking me loaded questions. Fuck you for guilt tripping me. Fuck you for expecting to know why you’re mad. I don’t. Fuck you for not communicating.

Fuck you for not accepting me even when we’re in a relationship. Fuck you for not liking me. Because my car isn’t nice enough. Because I’m not tall enough. Because I make too much money. Because I make too much money. Because I didn’t call soon enough. Because you went back to someone else. Because you’re “not looking for anything serious right now”. Because I’m not as good as that one ex you never shut your mouth about. Because you don’t like my tattoos. Because I have too many. Because too few. Fuck you for drunk texting me that it “wuldint wurk out” (Her spelling errors). Fuck you for breaking up with me over the phone, over the computer, but never face to face.

Fuck you for getting angry when I check you out. Fuck you for getting angry that someone’s looking at you when you’re in a skirt that doesn’t even come down as far as the pockets it has, wearing black fuck me shoes and a titty shirt that makes your cleavage look like the grand canyon. How dare I, right? Fuck you for wanting my attention. Fuck you for holding up the line. Fuck you for talking on your cell phone. Fuck you for being childish.

Fuck you for responding to this with snarky comments about how I must not get laid, or live in my parents basement, or I'm a libtard, or any other standard craigslist response. Fuck you for thinking women can incessantly whine about how guys can't find a clitoris or g-spot or constantly cheat but I can't point out all the ways in which you inevitably never live up to your marketing. Fuck you for telling me I'm too angry. I'm too negative. I'm too bitter. Fuck you.

But most of all, fuck you for championing mediocrity. You complain about the lack of good men? Look around. Game recognize game.

Fuck. You.

"ladies and gentlemen, Burt Stanton"

I'm a 28 year old single woman looking for someone to share happiness with. i love to read, paint, dance, cook and spend time with my family. I love learning about new cultures and meeting new people. I love to try new foods and different activities. Music makes me happy, so if I can be around music i'll most likely have a smile on my face. I also love to laugh, it's so important to me! IF YOU DO NOT THINK IM AS PRETTY AS ANGELINA JOLIE, SELMA HEYEK OR JESSICA ALBA DON'T BOTHER WRITING ME!!!!!!! I do not care how self centered this sounds i will not settle for someone who seetles for me even looks wise!!!!

So sad.

I am 5'8 150lbs 36 C with red hair and green eyes. I love doing it doggie style and 69ing. I also love to play dress up, my favorite outfit is a slutty mail girl, "I love stuffing your mailbox" I am nice and tight and waiting for you.

For some reason I have chest hair and I love when a man or woman is confident enough to give it a good tug.

Hello,

I am seeking out a roommate. I've had several the past 3 months that did not work out so well and am hoping to find "the perfect housemate." I think it can be done!

1. I am a plastic surgeon, single straight male, and am wealthy but rather lonely. I could keep this house to myself, and have for about a year, but I've realised that life is much better when it's shared with people who are conscious (as opposed to my clients and my nursing staff!). (This is not to say that my nursing staff is unconscious - obviously they are not! It's just very difficult to become friends with a staff that is somewhat dubious of my methods. I'm no rogue, but I do have Eastern-influenced techniques that some find odd and/or disconcerting - but I do have a 99% success rate! In any case, it doesn't make much sense to mix business and pleasure.)

2. I do have a dog, Basil Ironweed (yes that is his name, people seem to be confused that I have given him a full name like a person and some kind of laugh, but I assure you I take my dog very seriously and treat him with respect, and I ask that you do the same). It would actually be ideal if you have a female dog of pure pedigree (I'd need to see the papers though, for breeding purposes) and I'd prefer her to be a medium-sized dog (I will consider most breeds except absolutely no Australian Kelpies and no American Water Spaniels, please! The colouring of the mating dogs' possible kin would be horrendous if this were the case! Also, Basil is a Border Collie in case you were wondering!) If you do not have a dog, that is also fine. All other pets will be considered except: no cats unless they are of the outdoor variety, no arthropods, and all avians must be salmonella-free, clipped toenails, and tagged.

3. My house has only a one-car garage. It used to be a two-car one, but I decided to convert half of it into a micro-personal gym as I am rather health conscious. (I do have a gym membership, but my gym is not 24-hour, and sometimes at night I really need to get on the bowflex to burn off some of my energy since I have a lot of it! Also, after meals it's inconvenient for me to run off to the gym, and that is why I need one at my disposal. The gym membership is because they have a pool there, and swimming is really good for the joints. Just in case you were wondering.) That said, you'll have to use street parking, but I assure you that my neighborhood is quiet and safe, and there is usually a spot right out in front of my house! (The only time the spot is taken is when the lunch truck comes for the construction workers that are on the corner of my street. It only sits there for about 20 minutes between 1 and 2 pm during the week, depending on how chatty the boys are that day.)

Anyways, I have a few rules that need to be followed, but other than that, we should get along fine!
I request that you listen to all music via headphones. I have mild tinnitus and the sounds from most Hi-Fi equipment sans headphones really irriate me. I am open to discussing music, but sadly we cannot directly share it as my ears can't handle rapidly changing frequencies. (If you'd like to share lyrics, I'd be more than delighted to oblige!)

If you are going to cook, please do not use the following spices: curries, paprika, anything Cajun, and dill. The smells of these things turns my stomach. (If you have any scents that you'd like to avoid, by all means let me know and I'll do you the same honour.)

You must brush your teeth at least twice a day. If there is anything I cannot stand it's filthy teeth. (Believe me, I've had a couple roommates who just could not handle this simple routine - your gingiva may not mind, but I certainly DO.)

If you are going to watch tv, please let me know in advance which programs you'd like to watch. I do have TiVo, by the by, and I have certain shows that I simply must watch when they originally air. I cannot be too flexible with this because I cannot stand to wait to see my programs. You have to understand that I simply have to watch them when they originally air or I will get a little batty. Most of my programs are on public broadcasting and do not tend to run during prime-time spots.

I do not appreciate unannounced house-guests. I need to know at least two days in advance that company is coming - I need to know the duration of the stay, and the nature of the visit. But, I am open to any and all visitors, I just need to know the specifics involved.

I have reduced rent drastically because I realise that some of my requests might seem slightly stringent. I will pay the bulk of the rent in exchange for your understanding, your commitment to the house, and your humouring of my quirks.

You must be ok with my upholstery hobby. On every third Tuesday of the month I request that you vacate the house between the hours of 4 pm - 11:45pm while I upholster various pieces of antique furniture. I am a perfectionist and require complete silence in the house. I've tried this with housemates who've promised to stay in their rooms, but this proved impossible as bathroom habits demand a regular schedule that interrupts my artisan work. That said, I will give you a small stipend on these days if it will assist you in finding something to do with that block of time.

No newspapers or magazines. The ink gets everywhere and the gloss irritates my eyes. Sorry! You are free to read them on the front porch, but they must be stored outside of the house (perhaps in your car?)

This is not to sound discriminating, but, if you speak either French, Urdu, or Afrikaans, I kindly request that you not speak them in my vicinity as the cadences used in these languages are grating to the ears and nerves, for me.

I have fresh produce delivered from an undisclosed location to my home every Wednesday afternoon. Please do not purchase fruits or vegetables and bring them home. You can request any that you desire and I will add them to my order queue. (I am fastidious about potential-GM produce and pesticide usage - I will not tolerate either!) Also, if you insist on preparing red meat dishes in the home, do cook the meat thoroughly. IT MUST SIZZLE.

No cellphone tones in my home! Please use silent mode only!

You are not to use paints in the home. The noxious odours will aggravate my allergies!

That's the summary of my requests! I do actually have a handbook which I will provide for your perusal during our interview (yes, there will be an interview for final-stage candidates) that outlines all of my more particular requests.

If you are interested, please email me the following information:

1. Name
2. Occupation
3. Age
4. Allergies
5. Favourite author

Cheers!

And they say the Victorians all died out long ago...

'final-stage candidates'

to whittle down the hordes of people simply bursting to live with this fruit cake

IT MUST SIZZLE

are your parents retarded?

Because I think your special. I'm not really lonely, i'm not really in need of a serious relationship, and I don't need another mom. I do want someone to hang out with, go eat, just have the company of a new person. I have great friends that you will never understand. I have a love of music that you have never heard of. Plus, a sense of humor that would make a 10 cent whore blush, but that is what i'm aiming for. I take nothing seriously and I don't have time to worry about bullshit. i'm into any kind of woman that will give me a chance because if you were to reply to something like this you would probably fit right into my life.

RE: Jokes and Doubt About the Messiah

More likely Obama is the antichrist than the Messiah. All the same qualities you mention.

Besides, I know for a fact that the Messiah is alive and well and not too far from here. I met Him, up in North Carolina about a week ago. He was sitting at the top of Waterrock Knob. We chatted for a while, and somehow I just knew who it was. We walked down the mountain, and He bought me dinner in Maggie Valley. He's unemployed, yet always has enough money to help people. He cares for a little 83 year old woman and despite the doctors saying there was no hope, she is now leading a normal life again. She was up on the mountain with Him. That's almost 6,300 feet above sea level, and she broke her hip a couple months ago! She said to me, "He saved me!" She says He's a good cook, too.

The Messiah is a strange looking fellow, with shoulder length hair, and an amazing air of confidence about Him. I tried to trick Him - I asked some questions about modern technology, figuring he would not know anything about it. Boy, was I ever wrong! He's an expert! Then I tried asking some questions about other things. He knew about everything I asked. He never spoke negatively about anybody, and He sees things so clearly. When you're near Him, you feel like everything is going to be alright. He said He is coming to live in South Carolina for a while, but did not tell me where. I believe it will be west of Greenville someplace. He seems to really love mountain scenery. He told me there are people He wants to talk with here.

Here's the really odd part:

I never give Him any information about me except my name. My phone rang that night and all I hear is this voice saying "Check your messages." I have an unlisted number.

So I look at the answering machine - no messages. I figure it was a prank call. Later on I sit at the computer and see that there's a message for me. This is the exact message:

SOLVE LIMP SIN

sleeves i ominously pin
slum opinion ivy lessee
mission eleven piously
vinyl enemies oil soups
http://shroudmail.com/iam

So I'm wondering, what does it mean? And how did that message reach me? NOBODY has the address it was sent to. It has to mean that He really IS the Messsiah!!

The message is confusing though. I'm not good at riddles, and have no idea what it's trying to tell me. When I visited the web site, it just says "Study the Message"

Even so, I know somehow it means He will be here among us, in South Carolina, very soon. I know it sounds crazy, but it's true!

If anybody can tell me what the riddle means, I'd appreciate it. Thanks!

sleeves i ominously pin
slum opinion ivy lessee
mission eleven piously
vinyl enemies oil soups

poll

I do actually have a handbook

I was jogging at Runyon last Tuesday and we caught eachother's eyes....went back in the bushes to make out a bit. Was so hot, you pulled off your pants and fell over, taking me down with you, when your dog started licking my butthole --OMG, SO HOT. I just started kissing you and wanting to take you right there, but couldn't go too far since there are other people in the park.

Let's hook up -- and bring your dog as well -- i'm in WeHo -- if you're the guy, tell me what my shirt said. You had commented on it, so you would know. Hint: Turkey baster!

omg

http://littlerock.craigslist.org/fur/754297500.html

free hourse manuer
Reply to: see below
Date: 2008-08-12, 7:51PM EDT

Its great for all your gardening needs. I have loads of it, its bagged and ready to go.

please call 845 549 9928

* it's ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 794134957

http://columbus.craigslist.org/m4w/806595986.html

http://sfbay.craigslist.org/sby/zip/808241944.html

It's the picture that does it

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/atl/806134244.html

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/lgb/msg/824003994.html

http://madison.craigslist.org/mis/836220099.html

HERE IS THE THING...I SAW YOU SITTING ON HERE..AND I THOUGHT...- YOU ARE THE MOST BEUTIFUL WOMAN... I TOOK THIS PIC..SECRETLY..SORRY!
I WOULD LOVE TO MEET YOU...IF YOU'LL READ THIS JUST LET ME KNOW...
UH CANT WAIT!

omg

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/dsm/763203032.html

Mono y Mono - ww4m - 25 (Orange County)
Reply to: pers-834783✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [?]
Date: 2008-09-09, 8:39PM PDT

My friends and I are looking to lose some weight and need someone with Mono to help us out. We want to be really thin... like people tell us we look good but then behind our backs they wonder if we are still healthy, kind of thin. We have a slight obstacle in our way though, we love to eat so being anorexic is out. Our next resort is Mono (no, regular diet and exercise is not an option).

Your payment for giving one of us your Mono is simple... you get to kiss a really cute girl. We are all cute and really haven't decided who is going to make out with a total stranger (I guess we could draw straws) but any way it is a win win for you. If you are really attractive and a good kisser perhaps we will all make out with you. We have a few things we would like our Mono carrier to posess though (we set high standards for whose Mono we are willing to catch).

1. Be a male between the ages of 21 and 35
2. Be attractive... we would like our last kiss mono free to be with someone who is pleasant to look at
3. Have a sense of humor to lighten the mood should awkwardness arise
4. Have nice breath and we will do the same
5. Be a good kisser
6. Bring proof from a doctor that you do indeed have Mono

Your payment for doing this is that you get to kiss an attractive women while you have Mono. We figure that maybe you haven't been kissing to many people since catching this and could be in need of a good make out.

Reply back to email with your information and a picture of yourself and the best way to be contacted.

Thank you and best of luck!

aww WI love

i love those girls (xp)

omar, do you have the link to that?

it was from this post, the OG ad is gone now i guess ;_;

http://orangecounty.craigslist.org/rnr/835371496.html

thx!

looks like someone has mono!

From WOMEN SEEKING WOMEN category in east Idaho:

I SELL CANDLES AND WARMERS.! (RIGBY,ID)
Reply to: pers-829029✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [?]
Date: 2008-09-05, 3:16PM MDT

HI MY NAME IS ANGELA AND I SELL CANDLES WITH A NICE SMELLS DIFERENT ONES AND I SELL WARMERS AND LOTS MORE
PLS CONTACT ME IF U ARE INTERESTED
AT
TWO-ZERO-EIGHT-SEVEN-FOUR-FIVE-NINE-THREE-FIVE

My sister emailed it to me and here is her comment:

"It makes me laugh cause this shows how Mormon Idaho people are. No girl on girl action here, just women who want to sell crafts to other women. WTF?"

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/sfv/adg/836109998.html

NEED SARAH PALIN LOOKALIKE ASAP FOR ADULT FILM (LA)
Reply to: gigs-836109✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [?]
Date: 2008-09-10, 8:20PM PDT

Looking for a Sarah Palin lookalike for an adult film to be shot in next 10 days.

Major adult studio.

Please send pix, stats etc. ASAP

Pay: $2000-3000

No anal required

* Location: LA
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
* Compensation: $2000-3000

PostingID: 836109998

Who wants to watch Sarah Palin porn if there's not any buttsex?