Homemade Jokes

What's got four legs, a trunk, and haunts people?

Take it to the fridge.

Q: Which Muppet went straight-edge?
A: Fugazi Bear

Now you know why I didn't mention that it was a DIY joke.

"We shall come over!"

A man wakes up in a hospital bed after being in a coma.

Doctor: Hi, I'm someone you've never met before.

Man: Thank Christ! I thought I'd lost my memory!

I don't like the new-age religious twist that you've added.

Q: How do you know if a pig has done a poo in your house?

A: You can smell it. And you're treading in it.

One I made up when I was wee:

Q: what do you call a scottish monkey?

A: A McAckus

I prefer my brother's one really.

I'm pretty proud of this one but it is usually met with groans:

"I ate ten gyros and now I falafel!"

Get it?

A bus carrying only ugly people is involved in a crash, and everyone on the bus dies. They go to Heaven. Because of the grief they have suffered, God decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what their wish is? The person answers, "I want to be beautiful," and so God snaps His fingers and it is done. The second one in line sees this and says "I want to be beautiful too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while, but when God is halfway down the line, the last person in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this man is rolling on the floor, laughing his pants off. Finally, God gets to the end of the line and asks the laughing one what his wish will be?

The man eventually catches his breath, and says:

"Make 'em all ugly again"

What do they eat for breakfast in Never Never Land?

Peter Pancakes.

And just this week -- he's now 9 years old -- he said: what's another word for "man-boobs"? His answer: Chesticles.

(Yeah, I know it doesn't really make logical sense, but fuck, if I'd been half as sophisticated when I was his age, by now I'd be a genius, or something.)

Why did the Pope visit the Babybel factory?

Because it was reported that Baby Cheeses was spotted there.

A newbie to New York City asks a local: "where's a good place for ass fucking?"

The local replies: "Gowanus Canal".

My brother made up this song, sung to the tune of 'We Three Kings' when he was about 10 or so.

WE THREE LEMMINGS OF ORIENT ARE
JUMPING OFF CLIFFS AND KILLING OURSELVES
DOWN WE GO
CLEAR THE WAY
INTO THE SEA BELOW
BUMPS OF WONDER BUMPS OF FRIGHT
DOWN WE GO AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT
HEADS ARE BLEEDING STILL WE'RE SPEEDING
INTO THE SEA BELOW

I still sing it at Christmas

Made this when I was in 3rd grade-ish:

Who's the most famous Mexican rapper of all time?

Julio! (like Coolio, etc)

i came up with this when i was of a single-digit age:

Q: why did the boy not want to wipe his ass with the newspaper?

A: because he didn't want to catch ADS

― the surface noise (electricsound), Friday, March 5, 2004 10:18 AM (5 years ago)

Genuine lols at prepubescent esoj joek!

My brother, at age three, came up with:

Why did the ice cream sit on top of the refrigerator?
Because it wanted to melt.

Little bro's all time best homemade jokes aged 4:

What did one pig say to the other pig?
Oink oink.

And, in the same mould as "Tiger Hunting" by Claude Bottom, was "Trees" by I. M. Stuck.

did you hear the one about the pregnant mermaid with an abnormally small vagina? she had to have a sea-section.

It's extremely impolite to talk about the scale of a mermaid's vagina.

your mom

did you hear the one about your mom with an abnormally small vagina? she had to have a sea-section.

my mother is entirely terrestrial, take it back

this kid in my sunday school class decided to debut his new novelty joke song at Bible school, which he titled "Jesus Always Farts"....

Why do plays made by giant winged lizards always put audiences to sleep?
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Because they dragon.

What's Hansel and Gretel's favourite band?

- ...And you will know us by the trail of bread.

^

Professional level joke imo

My friend made me a joke as a birthday gift...he says it takes a few weeks to sink in. Here it is:

Knock knock?
Who's there?
Ha.
Ha who?
Nothin'.

Still waiting for it to finish marinating tbh.

U&K- how does one pronounce ha', and indeed, 'who' in yr region?

Ha rhyming with "claw"
Who...I can't believe I'm telling you how "who" is pronounced. Rhymes with "goo" or "blue."

well you pronounce 'ha' wrong so i don't see any reason to get snippy about the word with 'wh' in it tbh

i'm getting nothing but sergio leone soundtracks. i think he may be pulling your leg

I think he is just being a silly guy.

guy? how'd you pronounce that?

Now you are being the silly guy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qoYsfbq3vMc

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kq9zsqa-bcs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pDevlNobB_g

I called the city about a sinkhole on my block today. They said they were already looking into it.

Had a dog called minton, ate my shuttlecock

BAD minton!

(friend swears he made that up, i'm doubtful)

Should be Mington, shurely?

Noticing I had been 21 minutes late for pretty much everything over the last few days, I checked my watch and noticed it had been set to Welsh Time.

wait have i spelled badminton incorrectly my whole life? the humanity!

yep, looks like it.

Do you guys know where focaccia bread got its name?

So one day, this kid from a little Italian village goes to school with his lunch sack.

When it's time for lunch, he opens the sack and pulls out some salami, some cheese and some olives.

The teacher looks down at him and says " Whatsamada?! You focaccia bread?!"

That reminds me of another story about that same kid. He was always getting into food-related mix-ups. One time he came home from the market with ingredients for his family's Christmas dinner. His mother says, "Are you crazy? Why'd you get 2 geese?! We can't afford this!" "I got an extra one like you asked, mama," says the kid. "You told me to get some onions, garlic, broccoli, and a spare-a goose!"

https://www.christart.com/images/clipart/1834/asparagus.png

[this is one of my most groanworthy homemade jokes]

I'll atone with another one I've been developing:

What do Chubby Checker and M. Night Shyamalan have in common?

A: They both grew up in greater Philadelphia

A sheep walks into a pub.
The landlord says, "You can't come in here, you're baa'd"

― ...eh you get the gist of it (dog latin), Thursday, October 19, 2023 8:26 AM (three hours ago) bookmarkflaglink

He should've known he was bleaty-sixed

I'll atone with another one I've been developing:

What do Chubby Checker and M. Night Shyamalan have in common?

A: They both grew up in greater Philadelphia

― Lavator Shemmelpennick, Thursday, October 19, 2023 11:49 AM (one hour ago) bookmarkflaglink

this is incredible

very very delayed lol ... but that's fucking amazing

omg I just now got it, lol

Holy shit, same.

I am lost

Lol, same!

Actually I don’t get it.

come on baby
just do the
Greater Philadelphia

^^^ and once you've worked that out, which admittedly took me far too long, the fact that they both actually did grow up near Philly (which is probably not common knowledge?) is incredible.

The joke is that both Chubby and M. Knight like to dance the Watusi

Oh god right okay now I see. I was wracking my brain for any admittedly poor knowledge of Philadelphia. Even looked up "Philadelphia twist" which according to Urban Dictionary is a type of handjob lol

Why does Joe Rogan owe royalties to Joni Mitchell?

He praised Bari Weiss and podcasts a fucking lot

Boooooo

jk thanks for sharing :)

that is a winner

Took me a minute.

oh, my god

Sensational work.

The is easily Top Ten for this thread.

aww i just got it

first I hated it, now I love it

Thanks all, this is pretty much the only place for it so I'm glad it worked ...

Which dinosaur can do three trillion calculations per second?

Triteraflops

Never buy Communist books during a power cut. I went to the bookshop to buy Mao's Little Red Book. The power went out. Came home with my purchase and opened it up.

"Chunyang, 23, telephone Beijing 283901"

Only gone and got his Little Black Book hadn't I???

No one could understand it when I hired Scar, nefarious and conniving villain from Disney's "The Lion King," to fix the broken sound on my microwave. But sure enough, he didn't have to fiddle with it long at all and before I knew it he was handing me his invoice and saying, "Beep repaired!"

[this joke brought to you by my daughter playing Scar in local children's theater and singing his signature song around the house constantly]

i came up with _one joke_ and just the other day i found out somebody else independently came up with it

actually i just came up with a new, better punchline to a pre-existing joke

q: what's a pirate's favorite letter?
a: a letter of marque

That reminds me of a joke, I think I've heard it, or a variation of it, before . . .

Q: What's a cat's favorite letter?
A: Cats don't have favorite letters, they're fucking cats.

What do you call it when the Phish bandleader only faintly has a quality of not being submerged in condensed milk?

Trey’s trace tres leches-less-ness

Your Gods so omnipresent...

"How omnipresent is he?!?"

Your Gods so omnipresent that when he sits around the house, he sits around the house

I was about to tell Lavator's joke at my stand-up night, but then I remembered that the Disney Haters Society had block-booked tickets, so...

No one could understand it  when I built a time machine, travelled back one hundred years, kidnapped Lord Baden Powell, and brought him back to the present day to fix the broken sound on my microwave. But sure enough, he didn't have to fiddle with it long at all and before I knew it he was handing me his invoice and saying, "Beep repaired!"

Lol H.P.

xp i think we have a burgeoning genre here!

For your respects neando, have another.

Have you heard how poor the Christians are?

"How poor are they?!?"

The Christians are so poor they only got one God, and they still had to split him 3 ways!

If I ever want to be a hip and happening youth leader, I'll submit that joke as my resume