OK, is this the worst piece of music writing ever?

Also, can anyone make out the 3 band names under TESLA and above IRON MAIDEN?

Savatage, TUFF and not sure of the other

Heavens Rage maybe?

looks like HEAVES KIDS

Heaven's Rage

GiS Tuff btw. Had lots of fun laughing at them in kerrang 20 years ago

Really tough looking hardmen

http://www.sleazeroxx.com/bands/tuff/tuff1.jpg

http://www.dsk.zaq.ne.jp/glamglam/COVERL/TUFF01.jpg

Tuft

The album title referred to the clap, I assume.

someone turn that pic into THE HOUSE OF PAIN POLL

Not that whoever did those tattoos had the steadiest hand, from the looks of it, but I could swear that says "The House of Hair", which is almost hilarious.

The House Of Hair Metal.

Also, I like dude's foresight to put Guns 'n' Roses right near his asscrack.

Is The House of Pain his name for his back? He's pointing out how awesomely tuff he was to have endured all the PAIN of tattooing to become a human jean jacket, right? Or did he really get into Jump Around after his hair metal days?

Or was their a metal The House of Pain before the hip hop House Of Pain?

it's house of hair, ffs

we need a poll to decide if its pain or hair

http://houseofhaironline.com/

if it's House of Hair, he's 23 and lives in Williamsburg and interns at Vice

was their a metal The House of Pain before the hip hop House Of Pain?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v1ntsBXdK88

It is HOUSE OF HAIR i think!

Definitely says hair
http://i15.photobucket.com/albums/a373/Ami4203/randyrhodesspelledwrongtattoo.jpg

So here's what I could make out:

The House Of Hair

LEFT SIDE
Judas Priest
Warrant
Accept
Ratt
(logo unclear)
AC/DC
Skid Row
Dokken
White Lion
Tora Tora
Poison
Jackyl
Twisted Sister
Kiss
W.A.S.P.
Dangerous Toys
Def Leppard
Dio
Scorpions
Britney Fox

RIGHT SIDE
Whitesnake
Motley Crüe
Firehouse
Tesla
Heaven's Rage
Tuff
Savatage
Iron Maiden
(logo unclear)
Black Sabbath
The Cult
Randy Roads (sic)
Megadeth
L.A. Guns
Testament
Quiet Riot
Ozzy Osbourne
Bullet Boys
Metallica
Great White
Guns 'N' Roses
(logo unclear)

I can't tell the two nearest his pits, not the one on the bottom right that appears to start "co". Sadly, I think I've heard at least one album by each of these bands.

I think the last one is Cinderella.

if House of Hair ever runs into Eddie Van Halen at the beach, he's gonna have some explaining to do

the bulletboys were the biggest doughnut pumpers on the planet...

xp I was assuming 'house of pain' was referring to the song of the same name by van halen, who are seriously conspicuous by their absence.

maybe his whole chest is covered in a ham-fisted facsimile of the 'fair warning' cover.

christ almighty I thought you guys would know your Ozzy Tribute album cover better:

http://www.classicrockmagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/randy-rhoads-tribute.jpg

the one on his back does not look like an 'H'

xpost from other thread, not really so much bad writing but uninformed:

LOL-review of Immolation's Unholy Cult from the normally reliable AllMusic:

Immolation sounds like an opening band.

Had no idea "opening band" was a sound. Are there "openingbandcore" bands too?

If you go to a death metal show and endure three to five bands, Immolation might be the second or third band on the bill.

Wtf. This is ridic. The band had been around 20 years, and headlined several tours, both European and USA when this album came out -- in 1999, they headlined a show I attended. They're HEADLINING DEATHFEST 2010 NOW! The writer makes them sound like some mediocre struggling up and coming act that are lucky to have a record deal, rather than someone who has been on Roadrunner and Metal Blade! Not to mention what obscene amounts of money people were paying for "Dawn of Posession" on ebay after it went OOP.

Also, note the word sardonic use of the word "endure" as if watching death metal is a chore - furthering my belief that he isn't even a fan of the genre.

They've toured with some heavy hitters like Cannibal Corpse and Six Feet Under, but on their fifth album, Unholy Cult, they do nothing to raise themselves higher on the death metal totem pole.

This is a matter of opinion, but this is one of Immolation's more solid efforts, and it is not 'generic' by any means as the writer implies. Other than a few nods to Incantation (mostly the 'squeals'), Immolation have their own exotic sound that can easily be placed, and this album definitely 'differentiated' themselves from the pack, which is why it wound up on so many people's best of lists that year.

Ross Dolan's vocals are fine, but are not any more monstrous than your average death metal growler.

Lol. Whatever.

Musically, Immolation's songs have a sort of flat, relentless feel to them

Isn't being 'relentless' the point of a genre called "death metal"?

and, like Slayer, the leads seem tacked on in the middle of a song for no particular reason.

This is a far reaching comparison, not to mention that it isn't true. And if you were going to make that comparison, why focus on solely Slayer, since 'needless solos" are a staple of the genre.

The cover art for Unholy Cult is scary, but the music inside could be a little more evil.

Lol did an 11 year old write that last sentence for a book report?

Bill Chenevert of Philadelphia Weekly, you are fucking awful. Reproduced below is his capsule review for Mike Patton's Mondo Cane:

Sounds Like: The Faith No More alum sure can use his voice box. Here he sings mostly in Spanish and with a touch of kitsch, but totally authentic.

Free Association: His Eureka, Calif. roots really show here, rocking a chulo vibe.

For Fans Of: Mexico, camp, horns, Zappa, Mr. Bungle.

Not bothering to listen to the album is one thing- you have constraints on your time, I understand- but for fuck's sake, if you're going to fake it at least read a goddamn press release first or something.

Thanks for the new screen name!

I haven't heard the album yet, so I'm not sure what is inaccurate about that. Does he not actually sing in Spanish? No horns?

The Faith No More alum sure can use his voice box.

^ great point

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6GOnu_mU1wU

Pretty sure it's all Italian pop songs

no wai

xpost to Matos- you have no idea how tempted I was to change mine to "rocking a chulo vibe." Thankfully, cooler heads prevailed

Pretty sure it's all Italian pop songs

So it is, and, yeah, then this is incredibly lazy journalism.

lol, it's called fucking MONDO CANE, and here is the cover:

http://www.culturebully.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/04/mike-patton-mondo-cane-cd-cover.jpg

that's a dope cover

agreed

I had only heard the name of the album before now! Knew nothing about it, other than it was coming out.

I mean forgetting about whether the guy read a press release, what kind of cretin lives in a major east coast city, thinks "Il Cielo In Una Stanza" and "L'Uomo Che Non Sapeva Amare" are Spanish, and fancies himself a writer of any kind?

to be fair, the cover pointing directly at italy and highlighting the country in all white could be confusing if you thought italy was spain.

Or baja california.

dude was clearly referencing this imo http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kingdom_of_the_Two_Sicilies

http://turntabling.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/mondo-cane-sountrack-vinyl-lp.jpg

that mondo cane soundtrack album has a spectacular cover.