LOLZ @ LAWYERS

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cutty are u like an actual practicing lawyer

scent of a wolfman (s1ocki), Friday, 29 January 2010 21:55 (nine years ago) link

I'm not (anymore)

I think ur a probotector (cozen), Friday, 29 January 2010 21:56 (nine years ago) link

coz u were a lawyer? not just a borad lawyer?

forksclovetofu, Friday, 29 January 2010 22:00 (nine years ago) link

is gabbneb anti-boondoggle

♖♕♖ (am0n), Friday, 29 January 2010 22:09 (nine years ago) link

boongabble

forksclovetofu, Friday, 29 January 2010 22:10 (nine years ago) link

gabnebble

iiiijjjj, Friday, 29 January 2010 22:21 (nine years ago) link

I am qualified but don't practice, forks

I think ur a probotector (cozen), Friday, 29 January 2010 22:27 (nine years ago) link

how did you get near the sexy accused then coz

harbl, Friday, 29 January 2010 22:28 (nine years ago) link

he's the accuser

♖♕♖ (am0n), Friday, 29 January 2010 22:36 (nine years ago) link

$$$ working freelance $$$

I think ur a probotector (cozen), Friday, 29 January 2010 22:39 (nine years ago) link

not as lawyer (I don't do contentious/court work usually) just doing a watching brief for a client

court hours (10-4) and mad skrilla :D

I think ur a probotector (cozen), Friday, 29 January 2010 22:39 (nine years ago) link

it's true, freelance work is what commands the big $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Daniel, Esq., Friday, 29 January 2010 22:41 (nine years ago) link

cutty are u like an actual practicing lawyer

yes

sir ilx-a-lot (cutty), Friday, 29 January 2010 23:35 (nine years ago) link

i am a litigator

sir ilx-a-lot (cutty), Friday, 29 January 2010 23:36 (nine years ago) link

cutty what is your onbike nutrition for 80 miles in Zone 3 with about 7k feet of gross climbing?

┌∩┐(◕_◕)┌∩┐ (Steve Shasta), Saturday, 30 January 2010 00:00 (nine years ago) link

i dont think you should spend 80 miles in Z3

sir ilx-a-lot (cutty), Saturday, 30 January 2010 00:17 (nine years ago) link

what if youre on the program and being paid to drag LA to the bottom la mongie

u b ilxin' (Hunt3r), Saturday, 30 January 2010 01:46 (nine years ago) link

then it's your job!!! 80 miles in Z4

sir ilx-a-lot (cutty), Saturday, 30 January 2010 01:47 (nine years ago) link

coz, are you like a bannister? or a railgrip? what the hell do you britishes call it?

forksclovetofu, Saturday, 30 January 2010 05:25 (nine years ago) link

INCONTROVERTABLE PROOF OF HOW EXCITING LAWYERS ARE

http://www.youtube.com/user/MarriageTrial#p/a/u/1/6zLtYQ6K1rI

Daniel, Esq., Friday, 5 February 2010 03:08 (nine years ago) link

Sorry, "incontrovertible."

Actually, it is a very interesting reenactment, but mostly to lawyers (i.e., insider baseball).

Daniel, Esq., Friday, 5 February 2010 03:10 (nine years ago) link

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ESJINXeBjhc

♖♕♖ (am0n), Friday, 5 February 2010 16:40 (nine years ago) link

What is a "document review" and what does it practically entail? I do not understand "contract law" in general I think.

Let's see how tough Aquaman is once we get him in the water. (Laurel), Friday, 5 February 2010 16:43 (nine years ago) link

JONES, ESQ.

sir ilx-a-lot (cutty), Friday, 5 February 2010 16:45 (nine years ago) link

laurel, document review is like--you are an attorney but your job is to wade through piles of e-discovery documents redacting privileged information. it's grunt work and it's pretty horrible work for someone to do permanently as a lawyer.

many people who couldn't/can't get jobs out of law school do this as a temp job, then find out later without any formal REAL lawyer training they will never get a job anywhere else. it's scary.

for temp work, it's not bad pay.

sir ilx-a-lot (cutty), Friday, 5 February 2010 16:47 (nine years ago) link

document review generally refers to a portion of discovery or litigation preparation. firms will often hire temporary "contract attorneys" (that is, they are not staff attorneys or associates) to do this. it is mind numbingly terrible usually, reading troves of email, correspondence or what have you, then making determinations as to the responsiveness of the document to a request for production. also, the docs will be reviewed for privilege or sensitivity, etc.

u b ilxin' (Hunt3r), Friday, 5 February 2010 16:48 (nine years ago) link

xpost.

u b ilxin' (Hunt3r), Friday, 5 February 2010 16:48 (nine years ago) link

in the UK it is often the trainees' job ;_;

cozen, Friday, 5 February 2010 16:50 (nine years ago) link

Ahh, thanks. Bf is native German-speaker and has degree/career in own country but not barred in US. He was doing doc review/e-discv as temp between jobs. Still getting calls for more of same. Good $$ but arrrgh.

Let's see how tough Aquaman is once we get him in the water. (Laurel), Friday, 5 February 2010 16:52 (nine years ago) link

money ain't bad and the overtime can get pretty lucrative.

sir ilx-a-lot (cutty), Friday, 5 February 2010 16:52 (nine years ago) link

my firm and others dont do overtime. that could be a local issue

u b ilxin' (Hunt3r), Friday, 5 February 2010 16:57 (nine years ago) link

i spent time (TOO MUCH time) on the doc review/e-discovery circuit. one firm i worked for was absolutely terrible; the other was actually quite good. and yes, the money was pretty good (esp. if you could work as long as you could stand it). i did it for as long as i did b/c of the money, so you could say that i got out of it what i wanted. it's true that it doesn't do anything for developing your skills as a lawyer, but (a) i already had pre-existing legal skills and knowledge on which to draw when i finally got out; and (b) dirty little secret of lawyering is that (w/ exceptions for the more arcane aspects of, say, tax law or something like patent law [where you really do need a scientific and/or engineering background]) most lawyering stuff DOES NOT REQUIRE a super-duper intellect. sure, you have to have SOME brains but really most stuff doesn't really require the absurd l-school pedigrees and "honors" that the snooty BigLaw firms require -- if you're halfway intelligent, have a law school education (so you at least know the lingo and way of thinking) and/or have some guidance (a mentor or two, reference to a good legal database) you can figure out most lawyerish shit.

FWIW, i got out of doc review hell b/c i was able to get into lol "bank compliance" work (pretty much a dead letter post-Lehman Bros/AIG). now i'm trying to go solo -- let's see how that works.

It's about a wheel, in the sky, that keeps on turning (Eisbaer), Wednesday, 10 February 2010 21:27 (nine years ago) link

yeah, it's only once u get inside the compound they tell u it doesn't matter if ur only halfway semi-literate

chris nibbs (cozen), Wednesday, 10 February 2010 21:30 (nine years ago) link

i know we're not really supposed to "do meta" or whatever, but is it okay to say that i imagine these guys are the gabbnebs of their particular lawyering assosciating?

the entire BigLaw portion of the profession is the gabbneb of lawyering associating. which is why that the only good thing about BigLaw is the paycheck.

It's about a wheel, in the sky, that keeps on turning (Eisbaer), Wednesday, 10 February 2010 21:31 (nine years ago) link

yeah, it's only once u get inside the compound they tell u it doesn't matter if ur only halfway semi-literate

― chris nibbs (cozen), Wednesday, February 10, 2010 4:30 PM (3 minutes ago)

this is too otm, it's sad

harbl, Wednesday, 10 February 2010 21:35 (nine years ago) link

Hey Eisbar, how did you get into the doc review thing? Not that it's a lofty ambition or anything, but you know ... it's good to be prepared in case it takes forever to find that first real job.

Spectrum, Wednesday, 10 February 2010 21:47 (nine years ago) link

hey burt

harbl, Wednesday, 10 February 2010 21:48 (nine years ago) link

check out the online job boards like CareerBuilder or Monster -- they're staffed by temp agencies (who, BTW, are the major source of evil in the doc review world) and if they need folks they'll advertise.

It's about a wheel, in the sky, that keeps on turning (Eisbaer), Wednesday, 10 February 2010 21:50 (nine years ago) link

they're on craigslist. seems like you can make big money if you're fluent in a rarer language like japanese or finnish!

harbl, Wednesday, 10 February 2010 21:52 (nine years ago) link

i actually know German pretty well -- not native, but well enough to get onto a German-language assignment if i wanted to. and while there are more German speakers in NYC than, say, Finnish or Dutch speakers, they aren't as dime-a-dozen in NYC as Spanish, Chinese or even French speakers so that keeps the hourly rate for that kind of work high.

of course, if you can speak Dutch or Korean AND there's work you can clean up doing that kind of work. provided yer brain doesn't explode from the tedium, of course.

It's about a wheel, in the sky, that keeps on turning (Eisbaer), Wednesday, 10 February 2010 21:56 (nine years ago) link

that said, a very good friend of mine has been kept alive after she got laid off during the beginning of the Great Recession by doing Spanish-language work (she's native Puerto Rican).

It's about a wheel, in the sky, that keeps on turning (Eisbaer), Wednesday, 10 February 2010 21:58 (nine years ago) link

German, eh, what degree of proficiency are they looking for? I studied reading German (lol lit academia) for about 6 years.

Spectrum, Wednesday, 10 February 2010 21:58 (nine years ago) link

a lot of the agencies have in-house tests to see if you're proficient and to what degree. the tests are tricky for non-natives but doable (and not at the level of difficulty that, say, the Goethe Institute would impose if you take one of their German language proficiency tests). of course, if shit needs to get done and you speak enough German to know what's going on (which is really all you need, you're not actually TRANSLATING) then you can get on that way as well.

It's about a wheel, in the sky, that keeps on turning (Eisbaer), Wednesday, 10 February 2010 22:02 (nine years ago) link

Ah, cool, thanks. I took a few Goethe Institut classes down at the NYU Washington Mews building ... they make you realize you knew nothing about the German language if you never encountered it actually being spoken.

Spectrum, Wednesday, 10 February 2010 22:18 (nine years ago) link

my mom just forwarded me this

Begin forwarded message:

How about this? It's all true!!


These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney Can I get a new attorney?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
_____________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

harbl, Sunday, 14 February 2010 01:58 (nine years ago) link

im a lawyer for a govt agency (no tombot) and i get fwd'd ^that^ like twice a yr

johnny crunch, Sunday, 14 February 2010 02:04 (nine years ago) link

counselor.

sir ilx-a-lot (cutty), Sunday, 14 February 2010 02:33 (nine years ago) link

i didn't know j. crunch was an esq.

harbl, Sunday, 14 February 2010 02:35 (nine years ago) link

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

^lol

vag gangsta (k3vin k.), Sunday, 14 February 2010 02:41 (nine years ago) link

orallllll roberts university

harbl, Sunday, 14 February 2010 02:43 (nine years ago) link

They're like little portraits of lives.

JWoww Gilberto (man alive), Wednesday, 27 April 2016 23:03 (three years ago) link

DEA case in California from what I can see in pacer. What a pulp character.

bothan zulu (El Tomboto), Wednesday, 27 April 2016 23:15 (three years ago) link

http://www.rossintelligence.com/lawyers/

am0n, Thursday, 12 May 2016 17:40 (three years ago) link

https://www.judiciary.state.nj.us/appdiv/manualonstyle.pdf

, Friday, 13 May 2016 16:47 (three years ago) link

hahaha

was really hoping the whole thing would be in comic sans and not just the cover

JWoww Gilberto (man alive), Friday, 13 May 2016 17:04 (three years ago) link

lolz

johnny crunch, Tuesday, 17 May 2016 16:40 (three years ago) link

two months pass...

http://i.imgur.com/DjtqCaI.png

, Sunday, 24 July 2016 18:52 (three years ago) link

six months pass...

Wertkin, who worked in Washington for Akin Gump Strauss Hauer & Feld LLP, believed he would hand a copy of a complaint to an employee of the company, which was accused in the complaint by a whistle-blower of falsely billing the government. Wertkin, who was wearing a wig and using the name of Dan, was met instead by an FBI agent, according to arrest documents unsealed on Feb. 6.

https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2017-02-08/akin-gump-lawyer-accused-of-trying-to-sell-lawsuit-under-seal

, Thursday, 9 February 2017 16:39 (two years ago) link

false dan

mh 😏, Thursday, 9 February 2017 17:04 (two years ago) link

wertkin'd

El Tomboto, Friday, 10 February 2017 01:53 (two years ago) link

one month passes...

https://i.imgur.com/qjel5f1.jpg

, Wednesday, 15 March 2017 16:58 (two years ago) link

How did those children graduate with her?

pplains, Wednesday, 15 March 2017 17:15 (two years ago) link

four weeks pass...

do you ever start to read a transcript of yourself feeling dread you will look like an idiot, keep reading, then say damn this is some good lawyering who is this

assawoman bay (harbl), Wednesday, 12 April 2017 01:13 (two years ago) link

he he

niels, Wednesday, 12 April 2017 07:53 (two years ago) link

four months pass...

https://i.imgur.com/CGcHRsk.jpg

, Thursday, 24 August 2017 13:09 (two years ago) link

one year passes...

CLE is such a fucking scam. I'm trying to get 24 credits done in a week (oops). I bought one of those online packages -- all you have to do is leave it running very quietly in the background, because the videos pause when the code you need to demonstrate participation is given out. The one I'm watching now is about wellness for lawyers and literally included a guided meditation.

Fedora Dostoyevsky (man alive), Monday, 26 November 2018 23:13 (eleven months ago) link


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