Doctor Who 2008: Sontarans cometh, RTD Ood 'ave 'im etc.

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Well, that was better than the first part. Just.

Yet again with Rusty, he forgets not only main Who continuity, BUT HIS FUCKING OWN. We all suspect that the Doctor might die from jumping out of a spaceship (without even considering that something that needs to survive in a vacuum - and presumably faster-than-light travel - has a hatch you can just lift with your hand, or that while travelling at 400mph minimum you can manage to hit a glass dome, never mind take out the angular effects so you fall vertically) because he dies from a fall in Logopolis and arguably Time and the Rani - but he doesn't. Though we don't need to worry about the radiation (despite the demise of Wurzel Doctor and the Wet Vet) because Rusty wrote in Smith And Jones that the Doctor can absorb enough radiation to kill the entire world and just do a funny dance and shake it out of his foot and be all right. Oh no, wait, we do, it kills him.

We invest over 10 minutes in a piece of melodrama between two characters (including "I'd be proud of you were my dad" OH JUST FUCK OFF AND DIE) in which the WHOLE POINT is that the Doctor realises killing the Master will free the Earth. This then gets entirely undone (in much the same way as the return of Rose ruined the ending of the first EmoDoc series, or that he fucks with the ending of the Catherine Tate series by "subtly" changing "if she remembers it will kill her" to "if she remembers it'll save her, then make her a bit tired") by having Rassilon deus ex machina that plot away as soon as he turns up.

Incidentally, how did Rassilon come back to life after the Five Doctors? And is this confirmation that the Doctor isn't The Other, as surely Rassilon would have called him that?

So, the Doctor killed all the Time Lords and the Daleks in the Time War. WHY THE FUCK IS HE MOPEY ABOUT THEM FROM THE VERY START THEN? Back as far as The End of the World he's talking about how sad it was, despite it having pretty much just happened. In fact, doesn't he blame the Daleks for it in Dalek? And more to the point, as soon as the first dalek turns up doesn't he realise his super weapon failed and there are bound to be Time Lords about as well? The only conclusion that can be made for how it's all got "timelocked" is that the Doctor does it somehow (presumably using "the moment"? This really was a 'cram in as many cool names as I can think of! HOOT!' session), so once you realise your lock is easily picked...

When the plot got resolved (!) and there was still 25 minutes to go the first thing I thought of was Return of the King, and in a way this story was very much like that - you'd sat through enough shite before then that you were still vaguely interested and had to see it through, but you knew it was time utterly wasted that you would never get back and you felt kind of dirty and used afterwards.

Let's put it another way. The End Of Time was about the same length as an old 6 parter, in fact looking at the DVD cover I see it's 7 minutes shorter than Genesis of the Daleks which is probably nearly all consumed in the extra credits. So, let's try and rewrite Genesis so it follows the same structure as the End of Time:

Ep 1: Nyder magics Davros using The Secret Books of the Thals from some dust and a used tissue. Some daleks using their brand new extra fast flying power and the Doctor run about on the wastes of Skaro not really chasing each other shouting EXTERMINATE and JELLY BABIES at each other. Harry gets some other people from the Navy to help him find Sarah Jane, who he thinks might be in Orpington.

Ep 2: The Doctor and Mogran have a long chat about how Sarah Jane could get a man if she just wore better clothes and how the Doctor wishes she wasn't in Orpington and was on Skaro. They both cry a bit. We see Davros' laboratory, and Ravon is introduced as a comedy gay.

Ep 3: Davros works in his laboratory a lot, monologuing and overacting, until the Doctor and Mogran arrive. He announces he has perfected his dalek. SLOW PULL BACK TO LONG SHOT SHOWING GIGANTIC DALEK FACTORY. MILLIONS UPON MILLIONS OF THEM. HOOT!

Ep 4: Harry and Sarah Jane turn up, then Sarah passes out and Harry gets stuck in a giant clam. The Doctor has a long chat with Bettan about how he'd like her to adopt him. Bettan gives him the Time Ring.

Ep 5: It turns out that the Time Lords let Nyder resurrect Davros deliberately just so they could put The Doctor in the position of feeling a bit awkward. They let him wonder for a bit about whether he should kill him or not before magicking away all the daleks, turning Davros back into dust again, ending the war on Skaro, unmutating all the Kaleds and Thals, waking up Sarah, freeing Harry and activating the Time Ring to send them all home.

Ep 6: The Doctor takes Harry and Sarah, gets them on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire and slips them the answers. He then goes to stand about and look at Jo Grant, Liz, Jamie, Zoe, The Brigadier, Victoria, Ben, Polly, Vicky, Dodo, Steven, Ian, Barbara, Susan and Sara Kingdom from a distance, twiddling the end of his scarf. A Wirrn appears and they both look a bit sad. Then something blows up, so the episode finsihes with a bang.

Hardly a classic, is it.

So, farewell Rusty. I suppose the best thing I can say about you is that you hung about for shorter than JNT.

DOUBLE DEAD LOCK THREAD.

Never in, Kuyt (aldo), Sunday, 3 January 2010 12:29 (twelve years ago) link

damn dude

moron oil (Gukbe), Sunday, 3 January 2010 15:45 (twelve years ago) link

don't like that the master dresses down. hoody and jeans? shape up man.

the shart of noise (history mayne), Sunday, 3 January 2010 16:11 (twelve years ago) link

whoas
xposts

dragon movies (rrrobyn), Sunday, 3 January 2010 16:13 (twelve years ago) link

tho also
lols
awesome

i don't know how i feel. sorta annoyed by 'plot'/'rationality' but also, shrug. i miss tennant's doctor already, sigh.

dragon movies (rrrobyn), Sunday, 3 January 2010 16:19 (twelve years ago) link

Thought the end of Genesis of the Daleks was pretty ropey in its own right TBH.

Space Battle Rothko (Matt DC), Sunday, 3 January 2010 16:25 (twelve years ago) link

Hush you.

JimD, Sunday, 3 January 2010 17:04 (twelve years ago) link

don't like that the master dresses down. hoody and jeans? shape up man.

As far as I can tell from Britishes new outlets a hoodie is the most SINISTER thing a person can wear in public.

girl moves (Abbott), Sunday, 3 January 2010 17:10 (twelve years ago) link

So it works as a super-bad-guy top.

girl moves (Abbott), Sunday, 3 January 2010 17:10 (twelve years ago) link

It doesn't really connote Machiavellian genius tho but.

I'm into SB (Noodle Vague), Sunday, 3 January 2010 17:11 (twelve years ago) link

Yeah neither does being like 'AWR MEAT GOTTA EAT MEAT FLESH MEAT NOM WHERE'R MY IHOP" for five straight minutes.

girl moves (Abbott), Sunday, 3 January 2010 17:12 (twelve years ago) link

but scruffy master is soooo cute

salsa sharkshavin (salsa shark), Sunday, 3 January 2010 17:14 (twelve years ago) link

Looking forward to a Telegraph think-piece on declining standards in Super-Villainy next week.

I'm into SB (Noodle Vague), Sunday, 3 January 2010 17:16 (twelve years ago) link

"In 1965 a world-threatening megalomaniac was required at the very least to have a solid PhD in Nuclear Physics. Today's enemies of mankind get by on dumbed-down GCSE grades and an insatiable lust for so-called Big Macs."

I'm into SB (Noodle Vague), Sunday, 3 January 2010 17:18 (twelve years ago) link

The MASTER? More like the ASSOCIATE'S DEGREE.

girl moves (Abbott), Sunday, 3 January 2010 17:21 (twelve years ago) link

Scruffy Master is wickedly bringing out my inner caps lock.

girl moves (Abbott), Sunday, 3 January 2010 17:22 (twelve years ago) link

The MASTER? More like the ASSOCIATE'S DEGREE.

I think he's still working on a certificate from DeVry.

ô_o (Nicole), Sunday, 3 January 2010 20:08 (twelve years ago) link

City & Guilds in Villainy and Basic Plumbing

an executive by day and a wild man by night (snoball), Sunday, 3 January 2010 20:37 (twelve years ago) link

i love john simm but i thought he really whiffed this one. he never found anything to do with the master beyond leering.

it would have been neat if the doctor's farewell tour included a stop somewhere we hadn't seen before, with a character we'd never met, and she blushes, and he winks

Tracer Hand, Monday, 4 January 2010 11:50 (twelve years ago) link

^^ that's what i'm talking about!

lords of hyrule (c sharp major), Monday, 4 January 2010 11:56 (twelve years ago) link

it would have been neat if the doctor's farewell tour included a stop somewhere we hadn't seen before, with a character we'd never met, and she blushes, and he winks

That would have been great.

ô_o (Nicole), Monday, 4 January 2010 13:51 (twelve years ago) link

So the RSC production of the Tennant/Stewart Hamlet is online from the usual sources now...

kingfish, Sunday, 17 January 2010 05:14 (twelve years ago) link


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