What do you think about when you masturbate?

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dk rulez.

― Spencer Chow (spencermfi), Sunday, 26 January 2003 21:33 (twenty-one years ago) link

" dk rulez. "

what, prey, does "dk" stand for in the above statement exactly??

― t\'\'t (t\'\'t), Monday, 27 January 2003 00:55 (twenty-one years ago) link

dick knot.

― nathalie (nathalie), Monday, 27 January 2003 07:32 (twenty-one years ago) link

past sexual experiences I would like to relive

― M Matos (M Matos), Monday, 27 January 2003 07:33 (twenty-one years ago) link

god.

― di smith (lucylurex), Monday, 27 January 2003 07:46 (twenty-one years ago) link

no, god-like! (the experiences, that is)

― M Matos (M Matos), Monday, 27 January 2003 07:48 (twenty-one years ago) link

dk = the person quoted in the first answer.

― Spencer Chow (spencermfi), Monday, 27 January 2003 09:02 (twenty-one years ago) link

avril, ally, akira, meatwad.

― chaki (chaki), Monday, 27 January 2003 09:40 (twenty-one years ago) link

oh, and the Ones That Got Away, natch

― M Matos (M Matos), Monday, 27 January 2003 09:52 (twenty-one years ago) link

When I write smut, or when I *actually* masturbate?

Cause writing smut is mentally masturbating (like reading other people's fan fiction) and that's when the wacky weird physical stuff comes out. Which I am not going to discuss here, go read it on the web if you can find it! (clue: google "jackson bollocks")

Actually physically masturbating (If Suzy says "Punninshing Percy in the Palm" one more time, I'm going to smack her) ... it's far more boing mundane stuff. I tend to think about specific people rather than specific acts. Really dull, conventional relationship stuff like "Oh, we'll fall madly in love and move into a giant loft in Hackney and write beautiful spacerock free-drone guitarkestras and make conceptual art together and I'll write songs and thinly disguised novels about how brilliant he is and people will think I'm brilliant for expressing the brilliance of him and the brilliance of our brilliant thing together and then we'll win the Turner Prize, and it'll be better than a Grammy... better than a Grammy... a Grammy... a Grammy... uuuuhhhhh...

― kate, Monday, 27 January 2003 10:36 (twenty-one years ago) link

I was thinking about this qn on my way to the bus - do you think there's a divide between people who usually fantasise (not. necc masturbation fantasies, just in general) about things they have done and people who fantasise about things they haven't?

― Tom (Groke), Monday, 27 January 2003 10:41 (twenty-one years ago) link

I thought that was the male/female divide. Males talk about things they've done, women talk about things they *haven't*.

But that's a gender cliche... whatever.

I'm on the "fantasise about things I haven't" side. Which probably explains why I don't tickle the clam much any more... :-(

― kate, Monday, 27 January 2003 10:45 (twenty-one years ago) link

i do not indulge. saving myself and all that.

― Marcello Carlin, Monday, 27 January 2003 10:58 (twenty-one years ago) link

I didn't believe people when they told me that at school and I don't believe you now.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Monday, 27 January 2003 11:56 (twenty-one years ago) link

donc

― erik, Monday, 27 January 2003 11:57 (twenty-one years ago) link

matt, i am a widower. i have enough trouble finding excuses to stay alive without worrying about wanking. ok?

― Marcello Carlin, Monday, 27 January 2003 11:59 (twenty-one years ago) link

Sheesh Marcello, way to kill a thread. Perhaps if you did you might feel slightly better, if only for a few seconds? It might be worth it....

― smee (smee), Monday, 27 January 2003 12:09 (twenty-one years ago) link

(As an aside ten minutes is hardly long enough to "kill a thread")

― Tom (Groke), Monday, 27 January 2003 12:09 (twenty-one years ago) link

I didn't actually mean the thread was dead it's just a bit difficult to talk about stuff light heartedly when you realize how much pain Marcello is in, eh?

― smee (smee), Monday, 27 January 2003 12:12 (twenty-one years ago) link

well the question was asked and i answered it. had matt not made a snarky reply i wouldn't have said anything else.

― Marcello Carlin, Monday, 27 January 2003 12:19 (twenty-one years ago) link

Sorry Marcello.
Still think you should have a go though.....

― smee (smee), Monday, 27 January 2003 12:23 (twenty-one years ago) link

i cannot. i have too much guilt to cope with. doing it alone would only make me feel even lonelier than i already am.

― Marcello Carlin, Monday, 27 January 2003 12:27 (twenty-one years ago) link

i think about the 'thread connections' possibilities that a thread title such as this one might generate...

― mitch lastnamewithheld (mitchlnw), Monday, 27 January 2003 12:31 (twenty-one years ago) link

I thought that might have been the idea. I try not to think about anything and get it over with.

― Andrew Thames (Andrew Thames), Monday, 27 January 2003 12:33 (twenty-one years ago) link

Get it over with? You're doing it worng!

― smee (smee), Monday, 27 January 2003 12:41 (twenty-one years ago) link

Or wrong even..

― smee (smee), Monday, 27 January 2003 12:42 (twenty-one years ago) link

Not always, just most of the time. Actually yeah I occasionally make a big production out of it but I'm mostly just relieving tension... I can't really work out what I think about when enjoying it, but it's more fantasy than anything else.

― Andrew Thames (Andrew Thames), Monday, 27 January 2003 12:46 (twenty-one years ago) link

avril... suck it suck it you bitch

― chaki (chaki), Monday, 27 January 2003 13:00 (twenty-one years ago) link

well the question was asked and i answered it. had matt not made a snarky reply i wouldn't have said anything else.

Look, Marcello, I don't want to turn this into a big fight but it was a flippant comment about an amusing subject on a joke thread, and I'd expected it to be taken as such.

Obviously if you'd said "i cannot. i have too much guilt to cope with. doing it alone would only make me feel even lonelier than i already am", at the start I wouldn't have said anything - of course not, it would've been crass and insensitive. Maybe it was anyway and if so I apologise, but it's ridiculous to portray it as some sort of malicious personal slight. I would've given the same response to anyone here.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Monday, 27 January 2003 13:06 (twenty-one years ago) link

missy elliots giant arse.

― Chris V. (Chris V), Monday, 27 January 2003 13:50 (twenty-one years ago) link

Listen to me, Matt, I am not "anyone here." I am me. And I don't like being called a liar even on shit threads like this.

Do you want to know about guilt? Want to know what it's like getting the urge, not having had any for eight months, and yet stopping yourself even from self-pleasure because you are consumed by guilt? Because it's still crystal clear in your mind when you last did it with someone FOR REAL, and doing it by and to yourself becomes nothing more than a substitute for a life that's destroyed, like everything else surrounding me in my fucking house? Because there's a reminder of what you've lost every way you look when you open your eyes in the morning? Because I do not want to engage in sexual activity unless it involves another person and involves some element of love and affection?

That is how I have to live, Matt. Please try and understand that.

― Marcello Carlin, Monday, 27 January 2003 14:06 (twenty-one years ago) link

I don't think much when I do it. If anything, I try not to think.

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Monday, 27 January 2003 14:19 (twenty-one years ago) link

sometimes I watch yoga.

― Chris V. (Chris V), Monday, 27 January 2003 14:26 (twenty-one years ago) link

I think about YOU.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Monday, 27 January 2003 14:27 (twenty-one years ago) link

That damn downward facing dog pose gets me everytime.

― Chris V. (Chris V), Monday, 27 January 2003 14:31 (twenty-one years ago) link

First person fantasy or third person fantasy? Enquiring minds want to know. I vary, for the record.

― Dave B (daveb), Monday, 27 January 2003 14:34 (twenty-one years ago) link

Second person!

― Pete (Pete), Monday, 27 January 2003 14:37 (twenty-one years ago) link

does anyone indulge in first person fantasies? apparently kenneth williams would on occasion be so taken by his own reflection in the mirror that he needed to relieve himself there and then.

― Marcello Carlin, Monday, 27 January 2003 14:41 (twenty-one years ago) link

Kenneth Williams covering "Oops (Oh My)" - well that's my answer to the qn sorted for a while!

― Tom (Groke), Monday, 27 January 2003 14:48 (twenty-one years ago) link

yr mum

― gi66y, Monday, 27 January 2003 17:52 (twenty-one years ago) link

ilx'ers

― jess (dubplatestyle), Monday, 27 January 2003 17:59 (twenty-one years ago) link

Which ones Jess?

― Cozen (Cozen), Monday, 27 January 2003 18:36 (twenty-one years ago) link

all of them. together. a one big orgy

― Chupa-Cabras (vicc13), Monday, 27 January 2003 18:46 (twenty-one years ago) link

Marcello, I don't know anything about your life or what has happened to you in the past, but I have to say that very often I find your postings rather unfriendly. It seems to me that frequently you make deliberately argumentative posts (or posts consisting simply of curt disagreement with little explanation), with the intention to simultaneously jump on your high horse and pounce on anyone who responds.

I mean, it's not like you're more opinionated than most others on the board, nor are your views well outside those generally accepted and indeed held. (by us as a group) Yet, you still are consistently having what appears to be deeply emotional and somewhat unhealthy reactions to fairly innocuous posts or threads.

― Andrew (enneff), Monday, 27 January 2003 19:28 (twenty-one years ago) link

I think about things of a sexual nature.

Duh.

― Girolamo Savonarola, Monday, 27 January 2003 19:30 (twenty-one years ago) link

specific unnamed ones.

― jess (dubplatestyle), Monday, 27 January 2003 19:42 (twenty-one years ago) link

I find that it's easier to get a clear picture in my mind if my fantasy involves a past experience, with real, concrete details I can summon up at will. It's hard to fantasize about someone I've never been with because I have no idea what they're like in bed. When I try to create new scenarios I just end up filling in the blanks with memories of other lovers I've had.

― Sue D'eau Nimh, Monday, 27 January 2003 19:48 (twenty-one years ago) link

do you think there's a divide between people who usually fantasise about things they have done and people who fantasise about things they haven't?

I used to fantasise about things I'd never done, and was pretty certain that I'd never get the chance to do (various sorts of group sex things). Then I did get the chance to do about 90% of them. The odd thing, and I have no real explanation for this, is that my fantasies (and taste in porn) are unchanged, as far as I can tell. It's still the same stuff, but now I've done most of it.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Monday, 27 January 2003 21:26 (twenty-one years ago) link

All I can say to that is "You lucky cunt."

― Andrew (enneff), Monday, 27 January 2003 22:17 (twenty-one years ago) link

http://www.celebrity-pictures.net/images/Leonard.gif

― Fritz Wollner (Fritz), Monday, 27 January 2003 22:28 (twenty-one years ago) link

Skipping 5 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

*cough*
I don't. Do you believe me?

― M, Tuesday, 28 January 2003 22:11 (twenty-one years ago) link

you have no penis.

― RJG (RJG), Tuesday, 28 January 2003 22:19 (twenty-one years ago) link

Yer point being...?

― M, Tuesday, 28 January 2003 22:37 (twenty-one years ago) link

Never stopped me...

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 28 January 2003 22:38 (twenty-one years ago) link

I forgot, sorry.

― RJG (RJG), Tuesday, 28 January 2003 22:41 (twenty-one years ago) link

Wait. Jody Beth has no penis?

― N. (nickdastoor), Tuesday, 28 January 2003 22:43 (twenty-one years ago) link

Define "penis."

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 28 January 2003 23:12 (twenty-one years ago) link

I think that a purple strap-on is a penis, for all intents and purposes.

― I'm Passing Open Windows (Ms Laura), Tuesday, 28 January 2003 23:13 (twenty-one years ago) link

Mine isn't purple, so the answer is still no.

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 28 January 2003 23:15 (twenty-one years ago) link

Is it yellow?

― Lara (Lara), Tuesday, 28 January 2003 23:23 (twenty-one years ago) link

I believe that's none of your business.

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 28 January 2003 23:27 (twenty-one years ago) link

It's yellow!!

― Lara (Lara), Tuesday, 28 January 2003 23:28 (twenty-one years ago) link

Actually, you should probably get a cream for that.

― Lara (Lara), Tuesday, 28 January 2003 23:29 (twenty-one years ago) link

*laughing* I've one with zebra striping - it's a conversation piece - cannot quite see using it.

― I'm Passing Open Windows (Ms Laura), Tuesday, 28 January 2003 23:29 (twenty-one years ago) link

A conversation piece? It can't be that good if when you take it out your partner starts *talking*.

― Lara (Lara), Tuesday, 28 January 2003 23:31 (twenty-one years ago) link

*snarfing* I think I need to work on my technique.

― I'm Passing Open Windows (Ms Laura), Tuesday, 28 January 2003 23:32 (twenty-one years ago) link

I have a see through purple one and one that's pink glitter. rah!

― That Girl (thatgirl), Tuesday, 28 January 2003 23:33 (twenty-one years ago) link

Apparently it's all in the 'conditioning' anyway.

― Lara (Lara), Tuesday, 28 January 2003 23:35 (twenty-one years ago) link

*sigh* I remember when "What color is your parachute" was the question of the day.

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 28 January 2003 23:37 (twenty-one years ago) link

I was going to say that the see-through purple one and the pink glittery one sound very tacky but then I caught myself. What would constitute a tasteful one? Perhaps a see-through one with the some poems of Lord Byron within?

― Lara (Lara), Tuesday, 28 January 2003 23:38 (twenty-one years ago) link

Ew, too Starbucks.

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 28 January 2003 23:39 (twenty-one years ago) link

You have a parachute TOO? Do you use both in tandem?

― Lara (Lara), Tuesday, 28 January 2003 23:40 (twenty-one years ago) link

It sounds like yours would make lovely sun-catchers, That Girl. Ever consider hanging them in the window so they can cast pretty colors throughout the room?

― I'm Passing Open Windows (Ms Laura), Tuesday, 28 January 2003 23:41 (twenty-one years ago) link

hey laura, mine rock, girly style.

― That Girl (thatgirl), Tuesday, 28 January 2003 23:42 (twenty-one years ago) link

You have a parachute TOO? Do you use both in tandem?

Not since that incident with the bungee cord.

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 28 January 2003 23:42 (twenty-one years ago) link

She'd have to shine them up first.

― Lara (Lara), Tuesday, 28 January 2003 23:43 (twenty-one years ago) link

whenever i forget that ile is primarly entertainment, i read a thread like this. this is the kind of thread you show to non-ilx people because its funny:)

― gareth (gareth), Tuesday, 28 January 2003 23:52 (twenty-one years ago) link

Yeah, I must show it to my colleagues tomorrow.

― N. (nickdastoor), Wednesday, 29 January 2003 01:34 (twenty-one years ago) link

nine months pass...

ess sex

― ahmed, Saturday, 8 November 2003 18:11 (twenty years ago) link

Open Windows' medical post upthread is extremely funny.

― colin s barrow (colin s barrow), Saturday, 8 November 2003 22:15 (twenty years ago) link

I think the "things you've done" vs. "things you haven't done" divide is very interesting, but I would've thought the gender correlation that Kate suggests would've been reversed. Things I haven't done, after all, also = people I haven't been with, and 99% of the time that's what I'm thinking about.

― jaymc (jaymc), Sunday, 9 November 2003 09:23 (twenty years ago) link

Well no, things you've done or haven't and people you've not had sex with can usefully be regarded as two orthogonal concepts. There isn't very much sexually that I haven't done that I would like to, but there are loads of people I'd like to have sex with but haven't, and with any of them I can imagine doing things I've done before or things I haven't. I think it barely qualifies as fantasising if you are thinking about things you've done with the actual people you did them with - that's remembering, not fantasising.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Sunday, 9 November 2003 10:05 (twenty years ago) link

i feel ambivlent about acts of pentration in porn, for a variety of post feminist reasons conflated with early mormonism, and so i mostly jerk about men taking their clothes off.

― anthony easton (anthony), Sunday, 9 November 2003 14:25 (twenty years ago) link

I think it barely qualifies as fantasising if you are thinking about things you've done with the actual people you did them with - that's remembering, not fantasising.

But the thread is simply called, "What do you think about when you masturbate?" (not "What do you fantasize about...") -- and I do know women who've told me that they think about specific past sexual experiences they've had. That's why I was speculating that it was perhaps more of a female thing to do.

― jaymc (jaymc), Sunday, 9 November 2003 17:26 (twenty years ago) link

Yes, I know - I was making a distinction rather than anything else. I have done it occasionally too.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Sunday, 9 November 2003 22:05 (twenty years ago) link

http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/38948000/jpg/_38948823_fawcett203.jpg

― ChasWindsor, Sunday, 9 November 2003 23:08 (twenty years ago) link

strong sideburns, gruff visage, aces all the way.

― Jay Dee Sah Mon (Kingfish), Sunday, 9 November 2003 23:55 (twenty years ago) link

There's a picture of him younger, shooting with Charles, in which he looks just like NA Nick.

― N. (nickdastoor), Monday, 10 November 2003 00:28 (twenty years ago) link

Marcello you seem like a bit of a Fruit......

onto wanking....Angelina Jolie...Hmmmmmmmm

― smileygiles, Tuesday, 11 November 2003 15:40 (twenty years ago) link

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