Rate the people sitting across or next to you on public transport

Guy on Path train to World Trade Center ranting about 9/11 conspiracies: 1/10 for effort

Half the passengers actually paying attention: 0/10

one of my workmates will soon be visiting London for the first time. He was inquiring as to whether it would be acceptable to talk to random strangers on the Tube.

I hope you told him it's actively encouraged, particularly during rush hour.

Guy who is the spit of Surmounter: 8/10 because he doesn't look exactly like Surmounter

Woman reading a book with a bookmark that has BOOK MARK hand-written on it: 4/10

Tiny woman who sat next to me and said nothing but when she got up to get out of the bus, gave me a small yellow card telling me about how singing "HU!" brings me closer to god: 8/10

Bell-end who stood right up against me on a half-empty tram: minus several billion for being a dick

Wilfrid Brambell in a dress: wtf/10

dude air-guitaring to his ipod the other day: rock on \m/

i don't do this. i only rate their reading material.

mentally handicapped gentleman to the right of me picking his nose: 1/10
unwashed gentleman to the left of me sitting sideways and taking up two seats so as to better air his scrotum: 1/10
everyone else on bus: 10/10 by comparison

Person puking copiously all over the floor/wall throughout half-hour bus journey, you were a bit unexpected on the 8am commuter bus (as opposed to the Friday night "late" bus), but it probably isn't your fault that you made going into work this morning a little bit more awful, so it would be rude to give you a score I guess

(but if I have the spew-plague tomorrow when I was looking forward to going to something, you will automatically get -9000 out of ten)

Is -9000 out of ten a valid rating or would 1^-9000/10 be better?

Conan O'Brien: 2/10

Man whose ears are so hairy that his earphones will not stay in: n/a

Dude making death threats over the phone for like 20 minutes straight: 3/10 (the line about "hey man I'm gonna go send you your obituary 'cause you ain't gonna be able to read it after I'm through with you" was pretty good)

This one comes from back in time, but:

Grizzled-old-prospector looking man wearing a blue jumpsuit and a patent leather, stripper-sized cowboy hat, going one stop on the 41 bus from San Diego to La Jolla every Saturday morning in 2004/05:

9/10

Old bloke who saw me using an iPhone, interrupted me to talk about his bloody new mac and actually followed me up Greville St to whinge about some random bird who won't have coffee with him: just fuck off

There is a guy on my bus who carries around a tupperware lunchbox which contains a military green canvas zip-up thing which looks like a CD wallet, but it turns out to have a Jesus fish on the cover and be a little zip-up camouflage Bible, which he gets out and reads on the bus.

And often he is found staring into space grinning, actively grinning at nothing in particular with eyes gleaming and teeth visible, which is a bit unnerving.

But today he wasn't grinning. For some reason I couldn't hear over my headphones, it took him a very long time to buy his ticket, and when he finally sat down he wore a visibly disgruntled facial expression all the way into town.

He was right opposite me and it was all I could do not to crack up every time I looked up and saw this normally grinning guy holding a perfect cartoon I AM DISPLEASED face for 20 minutes.

So, 9/10 I guess?

Pacific Islander Dude slapping Asian Dude in a friendly, jokey manner: 5/10

Guy who looked like a young Bono, only with a frankly absurd quantity of red hair and a perpetually shocked expression (maybe he'd just realised how much hair he has): 7.5/10.

White guy in early 20s who gets on the blue line northbound in long beach and plays metallica on an unamplified electric guitar all the way to union station: 8/10

Small woman in late teens/early twenties wearing a fedora with a feather in it, carrying two enormous suitcases, and with a sleeping bag strapped to her back trying to get on the subway during rush hour. She whapped a middle-aged woman in the head with her sleeping bag every time she turned around. She apologized each time, but that didn't stop her from turning around. 0/10

Fat, white-haired guy with small (grand?)child and tantalising-smelling bag of chips: 5/10, because I can't work out whether not giving the small child any chips was a) an admirable display of your understanding of nutritional importance and young children's need for a healthy diet, or b) a bit of a cunt's trick.

Vile scum on the N91 ranting at the top of his voice about how he "fucking hates queers" whilst punching the glass divide because three seats in front of him one man had the audacity to kiss another. 0/10.

Teenage girl on the upper deck of the N41 who sat so close to me that she was practically on my knee, then proceeded to yell "stop rubbing up against me you perve" at the top of her voice when I tried to move my legs. 0/10.

Guy sat behind me on the N18 whispering directly into my ear "if you don't get off the bus right fucking now I am going to kill you". 0/10 (but fair enough, as I had just been sick everywhere).

stop rubbing against teenagers you perve

valuable new posters

Dear girl in fake hemp leaf headband and boyfriend wearing "I <3 boobies" t-shirt,

It's rude enough to leave your empty beer can on the bus, but playing your stupid music on cheap crappy speakers and chanting "hempfest!" while making joint motions with your fingers is just dumb. And incredibly annoying to the rest of the over-packed bus, especially me, standing in front of you and just tryin to listen to my iPod like a polite member of the transit riding public.

2/10.

Elderly overweight lady with bum-bag sat next to me on the W7 who smelled of wee so much that it made me gag: 0/10

Don't know if train station bathrooms count as public "transportation".

Normal looking guy at the urinal next to me in Union Station who walked up and flushed the toilet, then - while peeing - picked his nose with the same hand he flushed the toilet with, then flushed again with the same hand, following up with a cursory two-second handwash on the way out the door: 7/10 for chutzpah.

10/10 for demonstrating why I never touch anything in public restrooms.

my top two all-time...

youngish homeless dude who sat next to me on the Folsom lightrail, who laughed at everyone who made eye contact with him 5/10 (I had to deduct 5 for the smell. I am not averse to the smell of cigarettes but he smelled like a wet overflowing ashtray on a hot day...I could hardly breathe) But the laughing was awesome.

the screaming man on the East Brunswick tram 10 years ago. He got on at my stop every morning, and he always sat at the front of the tram. He would be very quiet, and then he would start to make this gulping noise, and then suddenly he would scream at the top of his lungs. If someone across from him stared at him, he would scream more often...but mostly it seemed pretty involuntary. Loudest, most blood curdling scream you ever heard. It always made me want to cry. 0/10.

The one sitting across from my blabbering really loudly for 1,5 hrs: SUB ZERO. Christ, SHUT UP ALREADY, YOU ARE NOT AS CUTE WHEN YOU ARE CACKLING

Crazy Slavic dude who has been on this one particular bus every time I've had reason to take said bus, and who preaches aloud to himself and sounds exactly like the Count would if he were a crazy religious fanatic: 11/10

Dude on the night-bus at 1.30 am the other night who heard my iPod Shuffle and tapped me on the shoulder, showing me his own iPod which had Boards Of Canada's 'An Eagle In Your Mind' playing, then telling me repeatedly as I removed my earphones that he'd know that break anywhere, before going onto explain to me how Geogaddi is the album of the decade, and how as an aspiring music-critic he was writing the album up on his blog, telling me the name of his blog, and engaging in some idle chatter, largely concerning Warp Records, you can have 6/10 because the song was actually 'Sunshine Recorder' off your beloved Geogaddi. Sorry, dude.

Person who farted up the train: goddamn - change your fucking diet.

Person who sprayed enough cologne or perfume or whatever to cover up the fart smell that liquid drops appeared on the screen of my phone and therefore probably all over me: Fuck you too.

Two foot tall African infant at Camberwell bus stop, doing impressively dead-on Michael Jackson dance moves while singing "Do You Think I'm Sexy" with babytalk gibberish replacing the actual words: 10/10

Awesome.

I was really disappointed that his bus came so quickly

driver of the midnight 202 from catford to lee who put his foot down and got me there in 5 minutes, and who when i became the only person left on the bus gave me a wave, struck up conversation, and left me his name to add on facebook, you can have 8/10 because the name you gave doesn't seem to exist

Person who farted up the train: goddamn - change your fucking diet.

Person who sprayed enough cologne or perfume or whatever to cover up the fart smell that liquid drops appeared on the screen of my phone and therefore probably all over me: Fuck you too.

― Kylie is a vacant Phifer (kingkongvsgodzilla), Friday, January 22, 2010 6:32 AM (1 month ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

God, I realized today that this is because some of the train cars have toilets in them. For some reason, the fans from the toilet are connected to the air system for the rest of the car. I do think it's the same person stinking it up however and goddamn I just can't imagine what they eat everyday for their guts to be so rotten.

Oyster ticket checker who tried to stop a guy getting off a bendy bus saying "EXCUSE ME SIR, CAN I CHECK YOUR TICKET PL-" only for it to drive off: 3/10

Guy who obviously hadn't paid and shot a smug look at the stranded ticket guy as the bus drove off: 8/10

London bus drivers: Level 18, Chaotic Neutral

The 12?

yeah

last week, waiting for a 286 to take me to cricket practice, there was an enormously obese man waiting for a bus with his fairly attractive girlfriend and a couple of suitcases. as he waited for the bus he kept leaning on his suitcase and doing some sort of ego-affirming dance. he was wearing massive red pyjama bottoms (or cargo pants or whatever huge ppl wear) and of course he was wearing that 6-piece baseball cap thing that most obese people who idealise themselves as being street seem to tote. then the bus came and i got on. sat at the back. he got on. his girlfriend scanned her oyster card. he started ostentatiously fishing around in his pockets. he did not have a card. he looked for some money. he did not have money. he had to get his girlfriend to find two quid. by the time he'd paid, about 2 or 3 minutes had elapsed. the bus set off. then we approached my stop. at a quiet moment, halted at traffic lights, i pressed the bus-stopping button. about ten seconds later, he pressed it as well. for me, this is a black mark against any character. dude just couldn't give a fuck about the world around him. anyway we stopped, and i got off. as i got off i noticed this dude begin to harangue the driver about something. i walked into the university site where the sports hall was, turning round on occasion. the bus was still stationary. it took two minutes for the argument to be resolved, and the bus to pull away, by which time i could barely see it. that guy gets 1/10.

6-piece baseball cap thing

?

it might just be a standard baseball cap, but it's got the flat front brim and the six triangular pieces of leather curved up to meet at a button on top - the cap is not hemispherical but choad-shaped - it tend to attenuate their massy head girth. by 'obese people' i mean 'obese men', really.

btw the bus driver mentioned upthread also stopped literally outside my house to let me off, might bump up to 9/10

Dudes who got on the front of the N21 absolutely bladdered, one stumbling to the top of the stairs, then another one proceeding to write the words 'FUCK OFF' in the condensation, draw a picture of a penis, and then sign his work (with an underline), then jump on his two friends sitting in the seats across the aisle and submerge them in a mock-fistfight, pretending to stab and batter them, all while calling the two women already sitting behind them 'good guys' and promising to beat his friend up if he touched them, 9/10 for entertaining and mildly terrifying me

Also on the 12, there was a guy who started screaming at the driver to hurry up and drive, even though the bus had visibly just run somebody over. At the next stop after the bus had moved on, he screamed at the driver not to stop for a woman with a pushchair who was trying to get on. At the stop after that he got off and sprinted down the road.

Not gonna rate that one tbh.

The bus had run somebody over!?