ILX Screenwriters Presents 'It was all Yello: The Coldwerk Sessions'

Don't worry, I'll correct these little mistakes in the unified edition. With your permission, I could also change the parts where you accidentally refer to Yello as being German ("Deutschland Sucht Den Superstar" = "Schweiz Sucht Den Superstar, or something to that effect).

Dieter: Now then, my good sir and madam, the surprise is not far.

Gwyneth: Oh goodie! I hope it involves ice cream!

Chris: Ice cream? Yay! I love you, baby!

Boris [singing silently to baby Apple with Gwyneth's voice]: Husch little Mädchen, don't say a word, Mutti's gonna by you a mockingbird... [Stops singing.] Such a sweet child! I do hope Dieter has taken account of her in his plan, otherwise...

[The group reaches a haystack on the side of the field. Dieter starts swiping off the hay and reveals the Yellotron, hidden inside the stack. He opens the door.]

Dieter: Now, if you would be kind enough to step inside.

[All four step inside the Yellotron, and Dieter closes the door. Lights begin to flash on its surface. Suddenly, a rugged figure jumps out of the nearby bushes and runs to the Yellotron. The figure grabs its side just before the lights reach their full luminosity. The Yellotron then disappears, taking the shady figure with it, and leaving only a pile of slightly burned hay behind.]

Ralf: There, I believe it is fifteen to eleven, and our established fifteen-minute break is over.

Florian: Yes, you are right. We can now start to record. Are you ready, Mr. Martin?

Billy [to himself]: Oh sweet Lord! I have no idea what to sing, this Martin fellow and his Coolplay weren't around yet when I last walked the planet. Slow as they may be, even Ralf and Florian must realize I'm an impostor once I open my voice. How will I ever get out of this mess? Heavens above, help me!

[Suddenly, a screeching cry is heard from above. It gets louder and louder, as the source of the voice nears the minivan. Ralf looks out of the window. Something is falling out of the skies, right towards the car. As that something gets closer, we see that it is a human figure.]

Ralf: Oh dear...

[With a loud crash the figure lands on top of the car.]

The figure: Ouch!

Okay, I won't change the first part, but I'll find a replacement word for "Teutonic" (I think it isn't suitable, since, later on, Yello refer to Kraftwerk as "Teutonic mayhem".)

Florian: He is starting to get on my nerves, Ralf. Will he ever stop?

Ralf: I admire his energy and his love for the music. He is exactly what we need in order to inject a spark into these recording sessions! Perhaps he will bring some life back to Mr. Martin's face. He has been so melancholy as of late.

Florian: Naturally, he is concerned about his wife and the fruit child. This is a normal reaction. But perhaps you are correct -- his presence may be benefical to the recordings. However, his added weight will decrease our top speed to 87.4 km/h.

Ralf: But I believe the increased quality of the recording sessions will more than make up for the time we lose on the journey.

Florian: Perhaps you are right. Once the album is finished, we will have to figure out what to do with him, but there is still lots of time to think about that.

Ralf: Correct. Come, let us clean up, it is now 12:57 ...

I think we need to get the video shoot off the ground very soon ...

If Yello hire her to work on the video, then Wolfgang will be furious with Yello once he is eventually summoned by Dieter and finds out that they've "stolen" Peaches from under his nose.

Helvetic? Helvetian? Alpine?

Boris [to himself]: Carefully now, Boris, such a delicate creature... Aha!

[Boris pulls a small electronic gadget out of Apple's ear.]

Boris: Did I not say we were being followed? This is the proof!

Dieter: Yes, it must have been those holier-than-thou piston ballerinas who placed the device into the child's ear! Nevertheless, we are still miles ahead of them, and they shall not follow us further than this.

[Boris places the tracking device into a small container surrounded by huge loudspeakers. He pulls a switch. The deep rumble of that famous Yello bass begins to emanate from the speakers. The plugging device trembles and then shatters into thousands of pieces.]

Dieter: Now, we must prepare for the trip to our final destination.

Boris: Yes. By the by, Dieter, you left this at the auto we rented. [Picks up a green scarf.]

Dieter: Boris, that is not mine. Where did you find it from?

Boris: From the trunk. Perhaps it was left the there by the previous rentee?

Dieter: Perhaps. But now that I look at it, it does look familiar... [Strokes his moustache.] Is this not the scarf Jean-Herve was wearing while we met him?

Boris: It is! And that must mean...

Dieter: Jean-Herve, that vile devil! Instead of running away he must have hid inside the automobile trunk!

Boris: He could have heard everything! About our plan, about your villa in the Alps...

Dieter: We must assume he could have.

Boris: Then again, the man is totally and wholesomely cuckoo. What could he do with the information?

Dieter: Cuckoo he may be, but that means he is also unreliable. Were he to meet those dastardly boyscouts of Der Kraftwerk... I think now might be the perfect time to contact Herr Flür.

[Dieter picks up a cellular phone and dials a number.]

Dieter: Wolfgang? It is Dieter. Remember our discussion earlier? It is time we three meet again. Do you possess an autocar? Good.

[Cut to: The same mountain road, somewhat later. Another car is seen driving into the same direction as Boris and Dieter. The driver is Wolfgang Flür. As the second car goes out sight, we see yet another car, apparently following the Wolfgang's car from a distance. This car too has only person in it, but the face of the driver is left into shadow. The third car goes off-screen. The road is silent again.]

[to audience}
I knew he would call. This was completely expected on my part -- insurance policy, ha! Dieter may have believed that he could handle Kraftwerk on his own, but I knew better. Kraftwerk cannot be trusted, only a man such as myself is capable of handling them. I know their thoughts and their fears, for I know them better than they know themselves. Ralf and Florian are like black ice on the roads of the Autobahn. To most people, the road is expansive and inviting, much like the lush cover art on our album of the same name. However, black ice can unravel this drivers utopia in an instant. One minute you are driving, the next, you are slipping off the road and bound for unavoidable carnage. This is what dealing with Kraftwerk is like. Dieter thought his plan was foolproof -- but no! -- the icy hand of Kraftwerk can snatch defeat from victory in an instant.

And how could I resist a trip to the Swiss Alps! There will surely be many Italians where we are staying. I relish every oppurtunity to celebrate my Italian heritage. Italians love to eat, drink, meet women, party, and go to discos. So do I. I have no doubt that this endeavour will be beneficial in stimulating my creativity. Adventure is the greatest source of creativity.

Dieter and Boris treat me so well. Better than Ralf and Florian ever did. A chartered plane to fly me to Zurich! A car waiting for me at the airport, with instructions to meet them in a secret mountain location! My arrangements has been impeccably organized -- this is Swiss efficiency. With Kraftwerk, I spent eight years fixing a synthesizer. They do not know how to work efficiently. Well, I will show them. I don't know what Kraftwerk are planning to do, but it is sure to be dastardly, and I will foil it.

I wonder what Dieter meant when he said that my help would be "rewarded through musical investment"? Perhaps we will collaborate on an album? I wonder who will be there to work on this album? I am feeling considerable inspiration from this drive, perhaps the new Yamo album can have a mountain theme as well as a flower theme?

MOUNTAIN SONG
(lyrics by Wolfgang Flur)

Coming down the mountain ...
Into your waiting arms
How pretty is the snow!
It can do us no harm!

We embrace the mountain
Its snow-capped peaks
Rounded like the perfect breast
Or your rosy cheeks

[continues driving]

[scene: the Kraftwerk minivan. Two days have passed since we last saw them. Peron is driving and is quietly bickering and chatting without himself. Ralf and Florian are amongst the piles of equipment in the back. They are recording Billy's voice.]

Billy (knee-bending falsetto):

Oh, woe!
Woe, oh!
Woe!
My woe!

Woe is
Woe was
Woe will be
All

(stops)

Florian: This is oustanding.

Ralf: Yes, Mr. Martin, excellent work. I am greatly moved by the sadness and emotional vulnerability of your vocal performances as of late.

(Billy sighs and turns his head to stare out the window)

Florian: Assigning the driving duties to Mr. Peron was the turning point in the making of this album.

Ralf: Absolutely. Now we can both work on the recordings full-time. What a fantastic use of our time this is.

Florian: Yes, there are a multitude of musical rewards at play here. I have even sampled Mr. Peron's kazoo playing and random murmuring for use in a sound collage piece on the record!

Ralf: He puts us in touch with our earliest recordings as Kraftwerk, the days when we used flutes and actual percussion instruments. Perhaps we should re-release those first two Kraftwerk albums after all!

Florian: I must admit that I didn't expect him to be such a good driver. He follows instructions very well, we save money on resources since he never eats, and on top of that, our music benefits!

Ralf: He is the perfect employee! (looking outside at the countryside for a moment) I believe I have never been to this part of the country. Perhaps Mr. Peron wants to see the map?

Florian: He doesn't need the map, he is following the tracking light from the sensor I implanted in the fruit child. It is a simple task for him to follow.

Ralf: Yes, of course, if he follows the light then he'll be fine [peers into the front seat and looks at the tracking apparatus installed into the dashboard] ... wait, Florian, the tracking light isn't on!

Florian: Impossible! [sees for himself] Oh no, you're correct, Ralf!

Ralf: This is a nightmare! How long has the light been out?

Florian: I haven't a clue! I haven't even bothered to check it in two days, every since we assigned the driving duties to Mr. Peron! We have been so busy working back here that I didn't even think of it!

Ralf: And yet, he has never complained once. He has been driving, very likely for two days, without any directions. How does he know where he is going?

Florian: I don't know Ralf, I don't know ...

[fades]

-- MindInRewind

The way I see it is, Felicity Publicity persuades Peaches that her rock schtick is all played out, and for her next album she'd be better off collaborating with Yello. She gives them a visit and finds them on the set of the video. She just basically takes charge. Later, she is hired by Kraftwerk It's a further slap in the face for poor Wolfgang.

Ralf and Florian are finishing their roast beef and edamer cheese sandwiches mit Hutzelbrot, along with a thermos of coffee.

brief suggestion for accuracy: i'm under the impression R&F do not consume meats.

i.e., http://veggie.org/veggie/famous.veg.html and a few interviews alluding to this preference.

In an interview, published in today's Sun newspaper, Coldplay's Chris Martin talks about a terrifying plane landing. Martin was on his way to Ghana with Oxfam to publicise fair trade issues, was coming into Tamale Airport when disaster struck. "I couldn’t see the ground and as it turns out, nor could the pilot. I found out we were about 200 metres up. The plane dropped off violently to the right then way over to the left it. It was lurching all over.

There is a Radiohead song called ‘Airbag’ which says that every time you get out of a car you should celebrate that you are alive. I felt that getting off the plane. But it fired me up for the trip. I thought, ‘I’m going to learn as much as I can and meet as many people as possible.’"

The techno community on Little Detroit has found the thread:

http://www.littledetroit.net/forums/viewtopic.php?p=115647#115647

Perhaps some of them will feel inspired to contribute to the script?

I really like this idea because then we'll get to see two drastically different visions of the video -- Yello's and Peaches'. I don't know about Kraftwerk hiring her at the end though ... can't we allow Wolfgang a bit of happiness. He will always revert back to hating Kraftwerk in future stories.

brief suggestion for accuracy: i'm under the impression R&F do not consume meats.

Yes, you're right, and thanks for the link! This can be easily fixed by striking the words "roast beef" from their meal.

I have the feeling that Tuomas has something in mind for the first scene in the Alps, i.e. who will be there in the beginning and how they will convince Gwyneth and Chris to cooperate with them. Once that scene is complete, it's on to the video! Clouds, angels, and floatation tanks! Newer, hallucinatory lyrics! etc.

It seems I took very recently to the idea of just calling him Christ Martin on another thread. Just for flippancy's sake. Perhaps he can star in a rock and roll biblical epic.

Dieter is driving with one hand, sipping a cappucino with the other. Boris is locked in a silent staring contest with Apple. Chris and Gwenyth are now asleep.

Boris: You know, Dieter... I've been thinking...

SUDDENLY a figure appears from nowhere on the road before them wielding a flamethrower, and dissapears behind a blinding torrent of apocalyptic fire. Dieter brings the car to halt, narrowly missing being engulfed. The flames recede, to reveal CARLOS PERON, dressed head to toe in disturbing leather gear: he throws the flamethrower to the ground, and turns his back to them, revealing the words "Erotic Projects" written in studs across the back of his jacket. He turns his head to address them over his shoulder.

Carlos: Dieter... Boris... it has been too long.

Boris (quietly to Dieter): Is that...

Dieter: Claro que si. Carlos! We have been meaning to send you a long overdue royalty check.

Carlos: Oh I will just bet that you have. Don't make me angry, Dieter. I have come here to discuss more solid pleasures.

Dieter: Now may not be the best time for that, Carlos. We are running a tight... professional schedule.

Carlos: But I have come on business. Behold!

Carlos whips out a thirty page contract from beneath his jacket, and turns around to reveal it fully: it glows. Clearly visible is the Mute Records insignia.

Boris (impressed): Hmmm. Unexpected.

Carlos: Although my flourishing, ever expanding solo career is more than enough to content myself with, Hardy has once again expressed his desire that the original Yello reunite for another album on Ralph Records.

Dieter: Ah Carlos. We've long since outgrown that avant stable.

Carlos: THE AUDIENCE has long since forgotten your last chart hit! Renounce your bland euro disco, and let us return to the impossible sounds of our first three albums!

Boris (whispering to Dieter): This may not entirely be a joke... Ralph is already preparing to distribute the Residents' back catalog...

Dieter pauses for a moment. He glimpses in the rear view mirror, and catches view of the front of Wolfgang's car, peeking timidly around a mountain corner.

Dieter: We have much to discuss, it seems. But I repeat.. this is not the time.

Carlos scowls. Then punches a code into his wrist computer, which sounds with the electro bassline from "The Evening's Young". He points the flamethrower at the ground and launches himself into the sky, a pillar of flame extending itself into the night.

OK, what'd I miss?

-----------

[scene: a flat in Berlin. A dishevelled Publicity Felicity is on the phone and appears frustrated. Peaches enters the room, carrying shopping bags bearing the brand name "Kunstleder und Kink"]

Publicity: Where the fuck have you been, Merrill? The phone's been ringing off the fucking hook, you were supposed to be here an hour ago!

Peaches: Relax, I had to wait in line at "Kunstleder und Kink" to be fitted for my new PVC wig.

Publicity: Well pick up the phone quick, your father's on the line.

Peaches: Again? I just spoke to him last night!

Publicity: Take it up with him, babe, he's been talking my ear off for the past fifteen minutes.

[Peaches picks up the phone]

Peaches: Hello?

Rabbi Nisker: Hello bubbele, what's new?

Peaches: Daddy, I just spoke to you 12 hours ago! Nothing is new, I'm fine.

Rabbi Nisker: We were talking about Pesach this morning, your mother and Rose Greenbaum are going shopping for the meat tomorrow. Do you think you'll be home this year?

Peaches: Daddy, I told you last week -- I don't know. I always play a lot of shows that time of year.

Rabbi Nisker: It would nice to have you home. We're having the Kaplans over this year. You know, Sauly Kaplan's son is in the music business, he helped to arrange the Ashkenaz festival last year. Maybe he could arrange to have you play this year?

Peaches. Daddy, I'm not interested in playing the Ashkenaz festival. That's not my scene. I'm playing lots of shows here, I don't have a problem finding places to play.

Rabbi Nisker: Places, feh! What kind of places would let you play with that crazy name? I should live so, I never heard of such a thing.

Peaches: There's nothing wrong with my name, it's just a stage name.

Rabbi Nisker: Why can't you just be Merrill? I don't understand why you can't be Merrill. [in the previous sentence, the sound of a hand slapping a table in time with each word is clearly audible over the line]

Peaches [growing increasingly agitated]: Because I'm Peaches. I choose to be Peaches. That's just the way it is.

Rabbi Nisker: That isn't a name, that's a fruit. Are you a person or are you fruit?

Peaches: Daddy, don't be silly ...

Rabbi Nisker: What kind of Jews have fruit for a name? You can't name me one Jew who has a fruit for a name!

Peaches: Who cares? Who cares!! It's just a name.

Rabbi Nisker: [listening to muffled voices in the background] You know the O'Briens from across the street? Well, they made a trip to Wal-Mart yesterday and your mother asked them to look for your album while they were there. They said they looked everywhere and couldn't find it. The girl working there had never heard of "Father Lover".

Peaches: I don't think Wal-Mart sells my album ... listen Daddy, I really need to go, I'm -- uh -- getting my nails done in an hour.

Rabbi Nisker: OK sweetheart, have fun, we'll speak to you soon.

[hangs up]

Peaches: AAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I can't fucking take this shit anymore! He calls every fucking day! I've got to get away from my father before he drives me crazy!

Publicity: Merrill, he's driving you crazy and to be frank, you're driving me crazy. You know that Flur guy who keeps bugging you about a collaboration? I spoke to his people today, and he's at a recording session in Switzerland now. I'm sending you there. It'll be good to get out of the city for a while, away from your father's constant phone calls. Flur can't be any worse than your father.

Peaches [fed up with everything]: OK, whatever. Sounds good. So they're expecting me?

Publicity: Er, yeah. Sure they are. Um, I'll call you a cab while you pack your things ...

Our Dusseldorf heroes reluctantly begin a musical collaboration with Chris Martin of Coldplay (who was to know that the real life Coldplay would rip off "Computer Love" on one of their new tracks? Not I). Life in the studio soon becomes a living hell for Ralf and Florian, who quickly tire of Martin, his wife Gwyneth, and their baby Apple.

Independently, Yello decide to co-opt Coldplay for themselves, molding them into a boy band that projects the artistic values that they (Yello) hold dear. Once they discover that their arch-enemies Kraftwerk are working with Martin, They concoct a plan to steal Martin for themselves, while replacing him with a doppelganger in the form of the resurrected (and still horribly depressed) Billy Mckenzie.

Their plan succeeds and they make their way to Switzerland, where they plan to film a surreal video for "Yellow" (as revealed via a dream sequence).

Kraftwerk eventually realize that something is up with Yello, and they set out for Switzerland in a van along with all their recording equipment and Billy (who they believe is Chris). Recording on the road proves fruitful for Kraftwerk once they pick up Jean-Herve Peron, who assumes the driving duties. Peron seems to know exactly where he is headed, although the others do not yet understand why.

Yello also enlist the help of Wolfgang Flur, who is still looking to get even with Kraftwerk.

Yello/Chris/Gwyneth/Apple are in Switzerland, and the video shoot will soon begin. Flur is headed there, Peaches is now following Flur, Kraftwerk/Billy/Peron are still a few days behind, in their van ...

However

czukay (in a leather vest): we have zem where we want zem.

off camera female voice: holger, we can't continue like this.

czukay (obviously distracted): vas? (peers out of windows and makes plucking gesture with fingers)

female voice: they'll find out about the robot the minute they try to remove the clothing. the skin texture on the face and hands is good...but the torso is mere latex stretched over tin.

Yeah, I love the fruit child parallel!

[Scene: Dieter, Boris, and are standing in the middle of an enormous hall room. The room is staged to reproduce the dream sequence Dieter envisioned earlier on, and the trio is wearing the costumes from the dream. On a balcony stands the figure of Wolfgang Flür, operating a movie camera. Through a window on the back wall we can see the snow-covered Alps.]

Dieter: It tooks us three days to arrange this setup, but it is worth my every Vistavision dream! My only grievance is that I cannot shoot the film myself, but thankfully Herr Flür has proven to be resourceful cinematographer.

Chris [looking at his clown suite]: Okay, I'm getting some bad vibes from all this. I know there was supposed to be a surprise, but this getting a bit weird. What are we supposed with all this stuff?

Dieter: Mr. Martin, what we are asking you to do is simply to reproduce the vocal parts of your hit single inspired by us, while we're filming a new scenario set around it.

Chris [baffled]: Inspired by you? Listen, I'm still not sure exactly who you are, so how can I...

Dieter: You know the ditty I'm referring to, the one named after us. "Yello".

Chris: "Yellow"?! You want me to reshoot a two year old song?! Why, I wouldn't be a true artist if I were to repeat myself like that. I'm always in search of a new thing, a new muse, a new shooting star. There's no way you can make me...

Dieter [interrupts]: I feared it would come to this. Look, Mr. Martin, it may not be clear to you yet, but there's not the alternative of a refusal. This is why.

[Dieter presses a small electronic gadget in his hand. A video screen opens up on one of the walls. We can see the image of Apple, sleeping in a cradle, inside a room with metallic walls and no other furniture.]

Chris [shocked]: Apple! Baby Apple! You said you'd put her to sleep, somewhere safe...

Dieter: And safe she is! Unless I choose to press this button. [Points at a red button in his gadget.]

Chris: What's that?

Dieter: The room your child inhabits is hermetically sealed. Inside it's walls is located The Three-dimensional Censurround Yello Speaker System, developed by my friend Boris here. [Nods to Boris, who nods back.] Were I to start up the speaker system, it would begin to emanate the famous Yello bass sound, set in such a frequency that it would completely reprogram the brain waves of your precious love-child. As a result, when she'd grow up, you wouldn't even be able to recognize her, as she would become a... [Dramatic pause.]

Chris: Become what?! Say it, you bastard!!

[Dieter whispers something into Chris's ear.]

Chris: NOOOOOO!!! We had such special plans for her... Born of our union, she would become the greatest person on Earth.

Boris [whispers to Dieter]: You are bluffing, my good friend, aren't you? Surely you wouldn't do that to an innocent child?

Dieter [whispers back]: You worry too much. Of course I wouldn't do it. Trust me.

Dieter [to Chris]: So you see, Mr. Martin, you have no alternative but to succumb to our command.

Chris [his spirit broken]: You win, you sick old moustache-men...

Peaches [to herself]: Finally! I think it should work now! [Stops to wipe the sweat off her brow. Suddenly her eyes get all dreamy.] Hmm, the more I listen to the music of this Flür guy, the more I like it. In fact, I think I'm starting to fall in love with him. Maybe this collab isn't such a bad idea after all...

[She tries to start the car engine. At first it just coughs, but eventually she gets it humming.]

Peaches: Success! Wolfgang Flür, you Teutonic dreamboat, here I come!

[The car speeds into the distance.]

Yes. There is plenty of promise in a JP story, but I'm not the person to tell it :)

I will have to read the story over again to refresh all the details. Colin, we need your Big Lebowski-esque surrealistic dream sequences!