JACK HANDEY...POO!!

http://www.deepthoughtsbyjackhandey.com/fuzzymemSNL.html

"Fising": "Nice try, 'Dad'...if that's your real name."

It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about a hundred drumsticks, the the guy at the Marineland says, "You can't throw chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish." Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them. Man, wise up.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

love the hammering one

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

where are these longer ones coming from? i've never seen/read them before!

http://www.newyorker.com/humor/2008/03/03/080303sh_shouts_handey

some gold if you search the new yorker site for his name... but unfortunately my favourite piece, "stunned" is only an abstract now

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/ABPub/2006/09/06/2003246232.jpg

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unfrozen_Caveman_Lawyer

omg never heard of this guy before. these are killing me!

very handey:

http://twitter.com/fireland

― cutty, Wednesday, October 21, 2009 6:05 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark

^^^^^ amazing

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

fireland is so great. there's so many of them too

"My kid's got ADD so we're thinking about sending her to one of those concentration camps?"

Ingredients of Happy Fun Ball include an unknown glowing green substance which fell to Earth, presumably from outer space.

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.

hey he wrote a book
http://www.powells.com/biblio/62-9781455522385-0

& a nyt article

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/07/21/magazine/jack-handey-is-the-envy-of-every-comedy-writer-in-america.html?smid=tw-share&_r=0&pagewanted=all

This was discussed in the other thread (the article) but I prefer this thread since it actually spells his name correctly.

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.
― Hurting (Hurting), Sunday, March 27, 2005 11:08 PM (8 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

this kills me

Instead of half-mast, maybe you could fly a flag at three-quarter-mast for a guy who's in a coma. Then, if he gets worse, the flag gets lower, or if he gets better, it starts to move up, so you can just look at the flag and see how he's doing.

If you’re in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins.
Maybe it’ll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.