http://www.deepthoughtsbyjackhandey.com/fuzzymemSNL.html
"Fising": "Nice try, 'Dad'...if that's your real name."
― hope this helps (Granny Dainger), Thursday, 22 October 2009 05:28 (fourteen years ago) link
It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about a hundred drumsticks, the the guy at the Marineland says, "You can't throw chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish." Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them. Man, wise up.
― cialis morissette (goole), Thursday, 22 October 2009 05:30 (fourteen years ago) link
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
― hope this helps (Granny Dainger), Thursday, 22 October 2009 05:42 (fourteen years ago) link
Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.
― weatheringdaleson, Thursday, 22 October 2009 06:16 (fourteen years ago) link
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.
― estela, Thursday, 22 October 2009 08:33 (fourteen years ago) link
love the hammering one
― am0n, Thursday, 22 October 2009 13:13 (fourteen years ago) link
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
― andrew m., Thursday, 22 October 2009 14:53 (fourteen years ago) link
where are these longer ones coming from? i've never seen/read them before!
http://www.newyorker.com/humor/2008/03/03/080303sh_shouts_handey
some gold if you search the new yorker site for his name... but unfortunately my favourite piece, "stunned" is only an abstract now
― banned, on the run (s1ocki), Thursday, 22 October 2009 15:02 (fourteen years ago) link
http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/ABPub/2006/09/06/2003246232.jpg
― am0n, Thursday, 22 October 2009 15:12 (fourteen years ago) link
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unfrozen_Caveman_Lawyer
― am0n, Thursday, 22 October 2009 15:15 (fourteen years ago) link
omg never heard of this guy before. these are killing me!
― George Mucus (ledge), Thursday, 22 October 2009 15:26 (fourteen years ago) link
very handey:
http://twitter.com/fireland
― cutty, Wednesday, October 21, 2009 6:05 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark
^^^^^ amazing
― chemical ali v. chemical frazier (m bison), Thursday, 22 October 2009 16:45 (fourteen years ago) link
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
― honesty is not ordinary to the height of the bunny hop (Hunt3r), Thursday, 22 October 2009 18:14 (fourteen years ago) link
fireland is so great. there's so many of them too
"My kid's got ADD so we're thinking about sending her to one of those concentration camps?"
― jaxon, Thursday, 22 October 2009 18:35 (fourteen years ago) link
Ingredients of Happy Fun Ball include an unknown glowing green substance which fell to Earth, presumably from outer space.
― ...And You Will Know Us by the BLAZE of YA DEAD HOMIE (los blue jeans), Friday, 23 October 2009 05:41 (fourteen years ago) link
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
― banned, on the run (s1ocki), Wednesday, 4 November 2009 14:52 (fourteen years ago) link
It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.
― banned, on the run (s1ocki), Wednesday, 4 November 2009 15:00 (fourteen years ago) link
hey he wrote a bookhttp://www.powells.com/biblio/62-9781455522385-0
― szarkasm (schlump), Monday, 15 July 2013 22:50 (ten years ago) link
& a nyt article
http://www.nytimes.com/2013/07/21/magazine/jack-handey-is-the-envy-of-every-comedy-writer-in-america.html?smid=tw-share&_r=0&pagewanted=all
― johnny crunch, Tuesday, 16 July 2013 00:57 (ten years ago) link
This was discussed in the other thread (the article) but I prefer this thread since it actually spells his name correctly.
― i don't even have an internet (Hurting 2), Tuesday, 16 July 2013 02:50 (ten years ago) link
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.― Hurting (Hurting), Sunday, March 27, 2005 11:08 PM (8 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink
this kills me
― johnny crunch, Friday, 19 July 2013 01:00 (ten years ago) link
Instead of half-mast, maybe you could fly a flag at three-quarter-mast for a guy who's in a coma. Then, if he gets worse, the flag gets lower, or if he gets better, it starts to move up, so you can just look at the flag and see how he's doing.
― am0n, Friday, 19 July 2013 20:46 (ten years ago) link
If you’re in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins.Maybe it’ll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
― oder doch?, Thursday, 23 July 2020 07:06 (three years ago) link
Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.
― assert (MatthewK), Thursday, 23 July 2020 11:12 (three years ago) link