trolls we should introduce in 2009

login name: Contessa Jagger
backstory: track down long lost members of the Jagger clan and encourage them to post to ILX. hilarity ensues.

login name: extoddpintern
backstory: he busted his hump all summer long and ended up never getting those credit hours needed to graduate. he's out for revenge.

I'm coming up empty.

login name: uhrrrrrrr11
backstory: this one goes up to 11

if modestmickey did not already exist i would have to invent him

login: FigPucker
backstory: Klosterman-obsessed Wall Street trader. Minimum 3000 word count per post.

login: meniscus_walker
backstory: standard-issue horny little devil, activities limited to ILE.

login: The One and Only Ashley
backstory: light-hearted Watercooler, crush thread, and WDYLL contributor only who, after about four months, starts a thread linking to an op-ed article calling for the mandatory death sentence for all Muslims, saying "I think this is a good idea?"

^^ didnt we already have that one?

login: W.C. Handjob
backstory: even if he's not nude spock, he's still probably going to bug everyone.

^^ didnt we already have that one?

Are you talking about LouJag or CJ?

login: plc9434
backstory: Undergraduate digital art major from midwest who had a bad Applecare experience and drops in on every mac thread to complain.

login: Catsupppppppppppppp dude 茄蕃
backstory: insecure about his cock

login: Jordan Sargent
backstory: dude with gay porn name talkin about lil wayne being "svelte" on a fucking mixtape track

login: guestinformant
backstory: world's most insufferable Fall fan/MES quoter

^^ every post in that annoying MES -ah -uh text impersonation people do

login: kornwall
backstory: has been lurking since 2003 and can use search function like a champ. shoots to top 10 on statscock within two weeks of first post.

login: arkadin
backstory: mostly-forgotten 2001-2002 ilx regular, now posts only cryptic bumps of ancient threads and brief expletive-laden attacks on current posters

(did heave ho come from a snake 2 thread?)

loling at echidna's arf

heave ho, i always thought you came to us via guess papers, but you were reading ask a drunk 2 years ago, huh?

-- jergïns, Tuesday, July 3, 2007 6:50 PM (1 month ago) Bookmark Link

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

more than that, i've been reading ask a drunk on LUSENET since 2001 and posting on lusenet's Middless Prattle after ask a drunk moved here.

-- Heave Ho, Tuesday, July 3, 2007 7:16 PM (1 month ago) Bookmark Link

loling at echidna's arf

i had several large beers at lunch and cannot stop giggling over this.

why did i say 2009? next year is 2008.
losing my brane.

maybe you are thinking about next fiscal year

lauren thinks zappa minutiae is funny too?

or is the fact that i'm loling make you lol in return

the former.

(although the thought of you laughing fills me with indescribable joy, bubeleh.)

also, making fun of hairy backs = always good for an immature roffle.

ZAPPA WAS FUNNY NO DENY

http://unthinkingly.com/wp-content/uploads/future-is-now-slate.jpg

did any of these ever happen?

login: Jordan Sargent
backstory: dude with gay porn name talkin about lil wayne being "svelte" on a fucking mixtape track

― and what, Friday, August 24, 2007 12:12 PM (2 years ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

login: kornwall
backstory: has been lurking since 2003 and can use search function like a champ. shoots to top 10 on statscock within two weeks of first post.

― gr8080, Friday, August 24, 2007 2:38 PM (2 years ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

incredible first post

login: my favorite chinese democracy demos
backstory: this is the real John Vanderslice. he dislikes ppl calling him out for being John Vanderslice, so he adopts the persona of Axl Rose whenever he's tempted to discuss his music career, which is often.

login: gorham
backstory: 15-year-old random googler and aspiring locksmith. starts a thread titled what makes titz jiggle ("ive been wondering this for ages does anyone know"). a weird patronizing cult of personality develops around him, and the 10,000-post ask gorham thread consists of people accusing the easygoing gorham of sockpuppetry or harassing him with phallic lock-and-key innuendos. ilx eventually shuts down as the server becomes overloaded with animated jigglingtits and pintumbler gifs.

login: nerve net
backstory: seemingly ordinary poster who works the word "unnerve/unnerving/unnerves/unnerved" into every single one of his posts. few people notice at first because the word is always used in a meaningful context ("seriously unnerved by the lack of MGMT love in this place") but it gets weird when one minute he makes a post that's just the word "unnerving" repeated hundreds of times, and the next minute he starts a thread on the Moderator Request Forum that goes like, "[another ilx user] just used the u-word in [linked thread]. plz edit out the word, as it upsets me" (he does this for all new posts in which the word appears). never heard from again after some jokester changes all the board descriptions to, "unnerve unnerve unnerve unnerve unnerve unnerve unnerve unnerve unnerve unnerve unnerve unnerve unnerve."

login: pixar sucks
backstory: his parents were murdered by pixar and therefore he thinks pixar sucks. he only posts anti-pixar screeds in iambic pentameter.

Shawn Shakra
Dude-bro who posts in a posi-chill hang-loose west coast style. Instantly hated by neggy denizens. Eventually outed as boring middle-aged guy from landlocked deep south.

need that republican tbh

gorham =

http://i.min.us/ibZSAg.gif

Mitchell Party: guy who finds a way to mention either beanbags or jellybeans at some point in every single thread he posts in. eventually loses it and creates three very ANGRY threads in the space of one afternoon devoted to beanbag toss games

lol

login: bollardguy1986
backstory:amateur photographer who seeks to document every bollard within a 50-mile radius of his home. he photographs the bollards from multiple angles and dedicates an I Love Photography thread to each one, quickly flooding the board with thousands of topics. annoyed by his behavior but hesitant to interfere with such a monumental project, the mods hastily rename I Love Cars "I Love Bollards" and advise bollardguy1986 to post there instead. he objects to their attempts to "ghettoize" his work, insisting that his photos exist for the enjoyment of all human beings from all walks of life, not just bollard enthusiasts. the mods admit defeat. several subreddits catch wind of his activities and celebrate him as an ironic folk hero. in response, he storms off the internet complaining about the memefication of fine art, but not before he approves a coffee table book and a MoMA exhibition of his work. ilx collapses under the weight of the increased traffic and the sudden influx of boorish redditors

David Brooks
Fiftysomething syndicated columnist for a major American newspaper. "Leans right" politically but is more comfortable around liberals and centrists than other conservatives. Approaches ILX as a kind of cheerful anthropologist. Constantly writes these posts where he "steps back" from the conversation and writes about the "clash of fundamental values" he feels is on display.

2HYPE
four paragraph discussions about contemporary rap (like released in the past month only) with lengthy lyric quotes, continually suggests that everyone should check out Genius, calls tupac "2pak" without irony

I actually spent several days when I was on vacation a couple years ago very intrigued by the different types of bollards (and the word "bollard") and took several pictures

hello i'm bollardguy