what to do when your roommate doesn't realize you're home and thusly is having loud sex in the living room

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I thought I told her I had the week off. regardless, I hear lots of panting and huffing going on and I'm sort of frozen, because I'd really like to get some lunch but I don't feel like seeing her having sex with one of her guys. What should I do?

― Gear! (Gear!), Tuesday, 13 April 2004 19:29 (nineteen years ago) link

Just get lunch. It is the only way she will learn.

― El Diablo Robotico (Nicole), Tuesday, 13 April 2004 19:30 (nineteen years ago) link

oh and she just now moaned "do me in the ass" which makes this even more awkward. or hilarious, depending on your POV. It's getting funnier now.

― Gear! (Gear!), Tuesday, 13 April 2004 19:30 (nineteen years ago) link

Yell, "okay, hang on, let me find the lube"

― luna (luna.c), Tuesday, 13 April 2004 19:32 (nineteen years ago) link

"Wanna eat?"

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Tuesday, 13 April 2004 19:33 (nineteen years ago) link

I think you should at least set up the tape recorder, Shut Up Little Man-style.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 13 April 2004 19:33 (nineteen years ago) link

Do you have a copy of "We Like To Party" handy?

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 13 April 2004 19:34 (nineteen years ago) link

do you have an answering machine in the living room? if so, give me the number, I'll call and say "______, he's in his room and he can hear you... abort mission!"

― luna (luna.c), Tuesday, 13 April 2004 19:35 (nineteen years ago) link

just add comentary..

YES, DO HER IN THE ASS

― bill stevens (bscrubbins), Tuesday, 13 April 2004 19:36 (nineteen years ago) link

she's befouling my heretofore innocent couch!!!

― Gear! (Gear!), Tuesday, 13 April 2004 19:36 (nineteen years ago) link

I should just quietly walk out there with a bag of chips and sit in the corner and watch until they spot me.

― Gear! (Gear!), Tuesday, 13 April 2004 19:37 (nineteen years ago) link

is she hot?

― stevem (blueski), Tuesday, 13 April 2004 19:37 (nineteen years ago) link

How do you know where that couch has been?

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 13 April 2004 19:37 (nineteen years ago) link

Post about it to ILX! That'll teach her!!

― Jordan (Jordan), Tuesday, 13 April 2004 19:37 (nineteen years ago) link

"do me in the ass"

"HEY GUYS IM GOING TO GET BURRITOS YOU WANT BURRITOS IM GONNA GET SOME"

― dean! (deangulberry), Tuesday, 13 April 2004 19:37 (nineteen years ago) link

WEBCAM

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 13 April 2004 19:38 (nineteen years ago) link

either that or bust out 'Face Down, Ass Up"

― luna (luna.c), Tuesday, 13 April 2004 19:38 (nineteen years ago) link

Listen...

― lysdexic uGy, Tuesday, 13 April 2004 19:38 (nineteen years ago) link

Oh, and pictures please, etc.

(heh, x-post)

― Jordan (Jordan), Tuesday, 13 April 2004 19:38 (nineteen years ago) link

give the guy pointers...
"Aw dude, you're doing it all wrong, you'll never hit the g-spot like that!"

― The Huckle-Buck (Horace Mann), Tuesday, 13 April 2004 19:39 (nineteen years ago) link

I bought that couch new and sure I've had my fun on it but man no ass sex that's for damn sure.

― Gear! (Gear!), Tuesday, 13 April 2004 19:39 (nineteen years ago) link

(xpost) Women have a g-spot in their asses???

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 13 April 2004 19:40 (nineteen years ago) link

(Meaning, "just the one?")

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 13 April 2004 19:40 (nineteen years ago) link

my roommate is hot when you don't live with her or know her well.

― Gear! (Gear!), Tuesday, 13 April 2004 19:40 (nineteen years ago) link

Just walk out and say "Oh hey, is this CARLOS?" Unless of course his name is CARLOS, in which case, go back in your room.

― dean! (deangulberry), Tuesday, 13 April 2004 19:40 (nineteen years ago) link

okay in five minutes I'm walking out there, consequences be damned. I need to eat.

― Gear! (Gear!), Tuesday, 13 April 2004 19:41 (nineteen years ago) link

time them, then draw up scorecards based on performance

Stamina: 5
Variety: 2
Dismount: 7

Also, you could grab some pompoms and stand in the corner cheering, "gimme an F, gimme a U, gimme a C, gimme a K, yeahhhh, fuck her in the ass! wooooo!"

― luna (luna.c), Tuesday, 13 April 2004 19:41 (nineteen years ago) link

Yesterday was the Jess anticipation, today we have Gear. WHAT WILL TOMORROW BRING?

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 13 April 2004 19:41 (nineteen years ago) link

"Dismount"!!!!!!!!!

Luna, you are a genius.

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 13 April 2004 19:42 (nineteen years ago) link

I'm going to tap the guy on the shoulder and say "yo I got 'nexties' "

― Gear! (Gear!), Tuesday, 13 April 2004 19:42 (nineteen years ago) link

One thing is for certain: it's going to hard for you to resist examining that couch afterwards.

― dean! (deangulberry), Tuesday, 13 April 2004 19:42 (nineteen years ago) link

make whale noises

― stevem (blueski), Tuesday, 13 April 2004 19:42 (nineteen years ago) link

I thought they'd be done in five minutes but I'm thinking not, it continues on.

― Gear! (Gear!), Tuesday, 13 April 2004 19:43 (nineteen years ago) link

WOW THE GUY IS A HERO

― stevem (blueski), Tuesday, 13 April 2004 19:43 (nineteen years ago) link

yeash some women only reach orgasm through anal sex, so yeah the g spot is in the ass, for some of them.

( make her buy a new couch)

― kephm, Tuesday, 13 April 2004 19:43 (nineteen years ago) link

Hand them a moist towelette!

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 13 April 2004 19:43 (nineteen years ago) link

I'm going to tap the guy on the shoulder and say "yo I got 'nexties'

For super double bonus freak out points, when he goes to get out of the way, say "no dude, I meant YOU."

― luna (luna.c), Tuesday, 13 April 2004 19:44 (nineteen years ago) link

I do hope there is no Santorum.

― El Diablo Robotico (Nicole), Tuesday, 13 April 2004 19:44 (nineteen years ago) link

oh man. what if?

― Gear! (Gear!), Tuesday, 13 April 2004 19:44 (nineteen years ago) link

That's definitely new couch time.

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 13 April 2004 19:44 (nineteen years ago) link

yeash some women only reach orgasm through anal sex, so yeah the g spot is in the ass, for some of them

That's because they're men - hel-LO prostate massage!

― luna (luna.c), Tuesday, 13 April 2004 19:45 (nineteen years ago) link

That's why I fear for your couch, Gear.

― El Diablo Robotico (Nicole), Tuesday, 13 April 2004 19:45 (nineteen years ago) link

This is in West Hollywood, isn't it?

― dean! (deangulberry), Tuesday, 13 April 2004 19:45 (nineteen years ago) link

call the police and report abuse and then leave

― kephm, Tuesday, 13 April 2004 19:45 (nineteen years ago) link

Come out and spray some Lysol around.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 13 April 2004 19:45 (nineteen years ago) link

yes it is. if she's pegging a metrosexual on my couch I will be very displeased!!

― Gear! (Gear!), Tuesday, 13 April 2004 19:46 (nineteen years ago) link

"Hey guys, I'm gay!" *spritz spritz*

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 13 April 2004 19:46 (nineteen years ago) link

NOW'S THE TIME

wish me well, I know not what I wander into.

― Gear! (Gear!), Tuesday, 13 April 2004 19:46 (nineteen years ago) link

I am posting to ILX via my Blackberry.

From your living room.

― dean! (deangulberry), Tuesday, 13 April 2004 19:47 (nineteen years ago) link

nothing like a vigorous bout of ass fucking to get ilx all excited.

― bill stevens (bscrubbins), Tuesday, 13 April 2004 19:47 (nineteen years ago) link

Skipping 807 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

not if you soak them in water first

― carne asada, Thursday, 6 September 2007 13:40 (sixteen years ago) link

DROP IT LIKE IT'S HOT

― HI DERE, Thursday, 6 September 2007 15:15 (sixteen years ago) link

Stop HI DERE. Get out while you still can...

― kv_nol, Thursday, 6 September 2007 15:18 (sixteen years ago) link

seeing the 'couch' pic (RIP) on this thread was probably the hardest i have ever laughed at something on the internet.

― haitch, Thursday, 6 September 2007 15:18 (sixteen years ago) link

Kenan OTM

― Pleasant Plains, Thursday, 6 September 2007 18:51 (sixteen years ago) link

seconded.

― stevie, Thursday, 6 September 2007 19:14 (sixteen years ago) link

Holy shit.

You see, the very first thing I read on I Love Everything was that awful rebel flag thread last night. (I'm new here.) But this is the second thread. I was going to kick my friends' asses for recommending this board after reading the rebel flag thread, but now I will be buying them shots after reading this one.

This thread is definitely on a Library Of Congress preservation level or something.

― Miza Din II, Thursday, 6 September 2007 20:04 (sixteen years ago) link

How would ILX react if this turned out to be untrue?

― milo z, Thursday, 6 September 2007 20:08 (sixteen years ago) link

Did it ever really matter?

― Madchen, Thursday, 6 September 2007 20:11 (sixteen years ago) link

the very first thing I read on I Love Everything was that awful rebel flag thread last night.

I swear I'm not retarded all the time.

― Curt1s Stephens, Thursday, 6 September 2007 20:19 (sixteen years ago) link

(call me crazy, but the rebel flag thread is probably one of the more thoughtful, even-keeled threads re: the 'R' word I've seen on ILX)

(but I usually make an effort to steer clear of them, so...)

― will, Thursday, 6 September 2007 20:20 (sixteen years ago) link

95% of everything ILX says about the South that isn't exclusively about food is dumber than that thread.

― Kerm, Thursday, 6 September 2007 20:23 (sixteen years ago) link

We should do some sort of two-part poll to determine the Best ILX Thread Ever. Someone ought to set up a nominations thread, and then trawl through on a preset date, taking all of those with upwards of two nominations and putting them into a second thread, this time with polling options. This work of ILX archivism is long overdue IMO.

― Just got offed, Thursday, 6 September 2007 20:28 (sixteen years ago) link

Curtis, I don't think you have anything to apologize for on that thread! hstencil with his underwear five sizes too small + Lorax-troll = SPACE MADNESS

― Rock Hardy, Thursday, 6 September 2007 20:31 (sixteen years ago) link

Yeah, at least the whole Ronaldinho bottle-opener farrago led to some quality zingage...

Who's up for my idea? Too late, I'm about to do it...

― Just got offed, Thursday, 6 September 2007 20:34 (sixteen years ago) link

Results 1 - 10 of about 1,110 from ilxor.com for "best thread ever"

― Kerm, Thursday, 6 September 2007 21:14 (sixteen years ago) link

8-|

So.

There are three levels of quality here then?

- golden threads like this one
- awful threads like the rebel flag thread
- all the other threads which makes the rebel flag thread look THOUGHTFUL?????? I want to constantly knee that Lorax shmuck.

Please tell me the first type happens often enough.

― Miza Din II, Thursday, 6 September 2007 22:30 (sixteen years ago) link

This reminds me that for the first time I saw an advert for Lysol on telly today.

― Madchen, Thursday, 6 September 2007 22:32 (sixteen years ago) link

Correct, Miza. There are about a dozen or so acknowledged ILX classic threads, and this is one of them.

― moley, Thursday, 6 September 2007 22:33 (sixteen years ago) link

Moley, what are the other dozen?

― Miza Din II, Thursday, 6 September 2007 22:34 (sixteen years ago) link

Mizza: I'd send you here, but sadly, some important content is 404'd.

― gr8080, Thursday, 6 September 2007 23:03 (sixteen years ago) link

www.ilxor.com/ILX/ ThreadSelectedControllerServlet?boardid=40&threadid=17054

The most upfront sexual proposition you have ever made/received to/from someone you've just met

There's others, these are the only two I could find.

― moley, Thursday, 6 September 2007 23:17 (sixteen years ago) link

Somewhere there's probably a thread linking to all the classic threads, even.

― moley, Thursday, 6 September 2007 23:18 (sixteen years ago) link

Total Deathkvult Armageddon: The Black Metal FAP

Well, I liked it.

― moley, Thursday, 6 September 2007 23:21 (sixteen years ago) link

the use of "thusly" in this thread's title never fails to crack me up. And then I open it and roffle (again).

― Roz, Thursday, 6 September 2007 23:24 (sixteen years ago) link

How would ILX react if this turned out to be untrue?

-- milo z, Thursday, 6 September 2007 20:08 (3 hours ago) Link

i dunno it's kind of like that story about George Washington chopping down the cherry tree or something

― latebloomer, Friday, 7 September 2007 00:08 (sixteen years ago) link

one month passes...

Why didn't Gear just play some music loudly or something so his roommate would know he was home? THIS STORY IS FULL OF HOLES.

― 31g, Friday, 19 October 2007 23:32 (sixteen years ago) link

http://tikkiro.files.wordpress.com/2007/03/blasphemy.jpg

― en i see kay, Friday, 19 October 2007 23:46 (sixteen years ago) link

He looks like he could do with a fisting.

― Autumn Almanac, Friday, 19 October 2007 23:56 (sixteen years ago) link

I propose "Boom! I Fucked Your Boyfriend" (xxp)

― The Reverend, Saturday, 20 October 2007 00:16 (sixteen years ago) link

gear is fake

― RJG, Saturday, 20 October 2007 01:54 (sixteen years ago) link

I mean Gear! is fake

― RJG, Saturday, 20 October 2007 01:55 (sixteen years ago) link

eleven months pass...

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/d/dd/Burial_at_sea_Feb2004.jpg/800px-Burial_at_sea_Feb2004.jpg

― J4gger Dynamic Pentangle (Just got offed), Monday, 29 September 2008 16:28 (fifteen years ago) link

http://img.thesun.co.uk/multimedia/archive/00422/snf21DEL_422073a.jpg

― Glans Christian Christian christian Christian Andersen (MPx4A), Monday, 29 September 2008 17:02 (fifteen years ago) link

four months pass...

This came up on the first page of results when I ran a search for "Charles Burst".

― jon /via/ chi 2.0, Monday, 9 February 2009 21:57 (fourteen years ago) link

eleven months pass...

Time for the yearly bump.

― smashing aspirant (milo z), Thursday, 28 January 2010 20:53 (thirteen years ago) link

check if the roommates are home first

― Dr. Algernod Goon (some dude), Thursday, 28 January 2010 20:54 (thirteen years ago) link

one year passes...

bump for posterity

― dozens, maybe even hundreds, of vagina related screen names (forksclovetofu), Tuesday, 23 August 2011 03:44 (twelve years ago) link

still classic. I'll bet this guy wouldn't care if you were home or not.

― Gukbe, Tuesday, 23 August 2011 03:46 (twelve years ago) link

THIS:

she's got her ass in the air while this scrawny indie fop WEARING A TRUCKER HAT AND NOTHING ELSE is attempting to INSERT HIS COCK IN HER ASS.
ON MY COUCH

& THIS:

MY LIVING ROOM SMELLS LIKE NOTHING I'VE SMELLED BEFORE

4alltyme.

I miss the pic of the Weezer & Jimmy Eat World cds the trucker hat dude left behind.

― Mucho! Macho! Honcho!: Turn Off The Dark (C. Grisso/McCain), Tuesday, 23 August 2011 04:12 (twelve years ago) link

I am too busy choking on my own roffle to post the "miss you" video for trucker hat guy

― unwarranted display names of ilx (mh), Tuesday, 23 August 2011 04:36 (twelve years ago) link

How would ILX react if this turned out to be untrue?
-- milo z, Thursday, 6 September 2007 20:08 (3 hours ago) Link
i dunno it's kind of like that story about George Washington chopping down the cherry tree or something
― latebloomer, Friday, 7 September 2007 00:08 (3 years ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

There's a page on Snopes about this, and Stephen Fry is referencing this purely to take points off Alan Davies on QI next week.

― Mark G, Tuesday, 23 August 2011 08:48 (twelve years ago) link

oh man, this thread. what memories.

― Cindy Mancini can ride my lawnmower anytime (thebingo), Tuesday, 23 August 2011 13:43 (twelve years ago) link

three years pass...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JSH4aRcMsTE

― buzza, Saturday, 7 February 2015 02:19 (eight years ago) link

man if ever there was a thread that wa slong overdue for a sequel

― Hammer Smashed Bagels, Saturday, 7 February 2015 02:38 (eight years ago) link

slong overdue

schlong overdue?

― You are swimming in spaghetti. Without a paddle. (snoball), Saturday, 7 February 2015 21:35 (eight years ago) link

boom! thusly

― contenderizer, Saturday, 7 February 2015 21:39 (eight years ago) link

I am delighted to find that Google still only returns one result for "cummy hinder".
― Mädchen (Madchen), Wednesday, 15 March 2006 18:56 (8 years ago) Permalink

and still

― there can be only (onimo), Tuesday, 10 February 2015 12:06 (eight years ago) link

eight months pass...

And if she says "I never thought you'd ask!" and smears her cummy hinder all over the kitchen, where will that leave poor Gear!?

― Hammer Smashed Bagels, Saturday, 10 October 2015 04:20 (eight years ago) link

four years pass...

btw "cummy hinder" does actually yield a few porn site results now including that phrase.

DJP can copyright the usage of that term and make some coin

― Bublé in the changer, I wish I was dead (Neanderthal), Sunday, 22 December 2019 19:01 (three years ago) link

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