australian rules of virus

1. gatherings limited to two people (or 35 people if you are going to school)

2. boot camps are permitted, as long as there are no boot camps

3. children should NOT REPEAT NOT go to a playground, only to a classroom with 34 other children

4. outside jigsaw assembly is ONLY permitted between two people

5. DO NOT go to work unless you are ESSENTIAL

6. if you have a job, you are essential

7. only five (5) people permitted at a wedding, unless you are mourning the loss of kikki.k in which you may invite another five (5) people

8. you may ONLY meet one person you don’t live with, but if you’re going with the person you live with then you MUST NOT go to the beach, unless the three of you are attending a beach marriage or a beach bootcamp

9. if you’re fairly sure you’re not carrying the virus then you MUST line up to vote in the council elections and/or at centrelink

10. If you arrive by plane you must quarantine in A hotel for 14 day.

11. Unless you are a doctor who has been on a cruise who knows better then you can go straight home.

12. If you are from WA then you must quarantine with a quokka

13. all cruise passengers MUST travel interstate and breathe everywhere and lick everything

14. Unless you are a foreign cruise passenger than you know what we do to foreigners who try and arrive by boat, so sail away son.

15. DO NOT skate in skate parks, only in approved incubation centres such as classrooms

15. Hair appointments must last a minimum of 14 days

17. hair styling services may only be provided by angus taylor’s hairdressing business

18. Angus tailors hairdressing business employs one overworked stylist called Betty.

19. Only 2 people can gather together inside or outside unless you are a family in which case you can all gather together, kids can gather together in-groups of 35 at school and you can gather together at home, if you live alone you can gather with one other person who may or may not be a family member except where it's a bootcamp where you can gather with two other people regardless of whether they are family members or not. It is now unclear how many hairdressers can gather together although doctors on cruises can gather together in any number they like because they know better.

20. If you violate the above rule in NSW Gladys will send the cops and the army round.

21. Tasmanians may stay in their shack or their house for the next 4 weeks but must choose between their shack or house today.

22. if the majority voted for mediocrities the people who didn’t vote for them must be grateful and applaud them when they do their best and it’s at best mediocre

fingers crossed that the limit-of-two applies to the National Cabinet

23. Horse racing will continue because Australia must have something to bet on and horses can’t get the vid, maximum of 2 jockeys may gather on a horse, unless one of them is Betty the hairdresser or the horses are going to a boot camp.

24. In the event horse racing is cancelled we will all bet on how long it takes before Barnaby Joyce proudly violates the social distancing rules.

(odds considerably shorter for female office staff, naturally)

25. Do not stick magnets up your nose even if you are an astrophysicist.

lol i love that person and story

26. In Queensland paying for a happy ending is no longer allowed unless it is at a bootcamp.

27. Dating is now banned in all states apart from Tasmania.

(covered by "family visits")

I'm sorry that was a free kick in front of an open goal (and I am Tasmanian)

28. Rooting is back on in VIC after Daniel Andrews realises that being in everyone's bedroom would result in a gathering of more than 2 people.

29. Every news parody website must contain a "Sydney lockout laws put in place for all this five years early" joke yarn

30. Everything is now illegal and if it isn’t the police will make up a rule on the spot so they can still fine you.

[Editor's note: Ed was arrested shortly after this post.]

Have to say the lockdown rules seem pretty random in Sydney. All the beaches in the eastern suburbs where I live have been closed, but I was delivering groceries to my mother today, 25 minutes' drive away in Mosman, and I thought I'd nip down to Balmoral Beach to see what the deal was there. Open. People not only swimming, but also sunbathing and eating their fish and chips on the sand.

31. No jab, no play; unless you play professional sportsball in which case you can be a thick as pigshit arsehole and still play sportsball.

antivaxers are cockwombles

32. install this app on your iphone, it doesn’t work but YOU will save australia

unless it's an iPhone, in which case you have to have it running in the foreground and boop people on the nose with your phone in order for it to work

and stand next to them for 15 minutes

carrying a very large battery on my back for my iPhone is too much effort so I won't bother leaving the house

hey it works

33. Clive Palmer Banned from WA

(Checks Freo House prices)

34. Just a slight $60 billion error, champ

35. Dictator Dan vs Autarch Annastacia

36. it's cool bro Rugby League is back and it's going viral

what's the haps?

fen haps?

(Checks Freo House prices)

I would live in Freo in a heartbeat if it wasnt six jillion miles from everywhere else.

Almost for the nickname alone! Also the sun setting into the Indian Ocean is magic.

Freo is beuwwwtiful.

37. Protest against deaths of aboriginal people in custody and in solidarity fines for gatherings of over 20 people.

38. Join the fascist idiot parade - march unmolested.

39. Protests against indigenous deaths in custody may be allowed in particular circumstances (up to 500 people at a NRL game)

40. Peter Dutton’s wettest dream has come true; we’re all locked in till next winter.

41. Quarter of a billion dollars for arts recovery, if the artists are members of a billion-$ megachurch, run by your personal mentor, that systemically engages in fraud regarding their arts output

42. News getting bad? Further gut the national news reporter.

43. Did everyone forget that Guy Sebastian is part of that Pentecostal cult/scam thing?

More of a 41a there

I suspect amateur productions of Jesus Christ superstar and Joseph and the amazing technicolor dreamcoat in liberal electorates are going to be especially lavish this year.

44. Dictator Dan isn't enough of a Dictator he didn't Dictate the virus to go away what a terrible Dictator he is

45. Live in a public housing block with limited lifts - house arrest. Live in a private housing block with limited lifts - limited lockdown.

46. You're the Opposition Leader in Victoria, what's your top priority? That's right: losing your shit because you got called 'champ' on Twitter. Imagine if you went to a Dan Murphy's.

49. Large orders of KFC will be deemed suspicious.

^ this one should stay tbh

50. Do not eat your KFC in a cupboard whilst not wearing a mask, VIC police are on to you.

https://i.imgur.com/1V3FJ5d.gif

colonel tent fucker

courtesy ZS / Karl

51. don't play pokemon
52. don't play footy (except QLD)

53. the real victim is the economy
54. protect the economy
55. wah wah the fucken economy

56. no lockdowns for New Sourh Wales even if everyone did go to that one pub.
57. Oh shit everyone went to that pub ...

58.

pic.twitter.com/9c8tI0AeKB

— Hyram Hackenbecker (@HHackenbecker) July 15, 2020

59.

Love a good name and shame!! I don't care what ya done. Gimme a name so I can shame!!!!

— fungbunger (@parsfarce) December 20, 2017

Racist media does a racist doxing, news at 11.

Gotta fuel racist Facebook posts somehow.

60. Behave yourself or Christmas is cancelled

61. Matthew? What a Guy!

c’est moi

wait

62. The official anthem of know-nothing suburban COVID deniers? Of course it's one of Johnny Farnham's hits.

63. We want the vaccine!
64. No, not that one!

65. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I4dYYuT5wr0

66. All media must interview an whinging tennis player.

67. Well, it could be worse. Those tennis players could be from Sydney.

68. No Vax till Novavax