australian rules of virus

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1. gatherings limited to two people (or 35 people if you are going to school)

karmic blowback for dissing pip and jane baker (Autumn Almanac), Sunday, 29 March 2020 08:43 (two months ago) link

2. boot camps are permitted, as long as there are no boot camps

karmic blowback for dissing pip and jane baker (Autumn Almanac), Sunday, 29 March 2020 08:43 (two months ago) link

3. children should NOT REPEAT NOT go to a playground, only to a classroom with 34 other children

karmic blowback for dissing pip and jane baker (Autumn Almanac), Sunday, 29 March 2020 08:44 (two months ago) link

4. outside jigsaw assembly is ONLY permitted between two people

karmic blowback for dissing pip and jane baker (Autumn Almanac), Sunday, 29 March 2020 08:45 (two months ago) link

5. DO NOT go to work unless you are ESSENTIAL

karmic blowback for dissing pip and jane baker (Autumn Almanac), Sunday, 29 March 2020 08:45 (two months ago) link

6. if you have a job, you are essential

karmic blowback for dissing pip and jane baker (Autumn Almanac), Sunday, 29 March 2020 08:46 (two months ago) link

7. only five (5) people permitted at a wedding, unless you are mourning the loss of kikki.k in which you may invite another five (5) people

karmic blowback for dissing pip and jane baker (Autumn Almanac), Sunday, 29 March 2020 08:47 (two months ago) link

8. you may ONLY meet one person you don’t live with, but if you’re going with the person you live with then you MUST NOT go to the beach, unless the three of you are attending a beach marriage or a beach bootcamp

karmic blowback for dissing pip and jane baker (Autumn Almanac), Sunday, 29 March 2020 08:49 (two months ago) link

9. if you’re fairly sure you’re not carrying the virus then you MUST line up to vote in the council elections and/or at centrelink

karmic blowback for dissing pip and jane baker (Autumn Almanac), Sunday, 29 March 2020 08:51 (two months ago) link

10. If you arrive by plane you must quarantine in A hotel for 14 day.

American Fear of Pranksterism (Ed), Sunday, 29 March 2020 09:00 (two months ago) link

11. Unless you are a doctor who has been on a cruise who knows better then you can go straight home.

American Fear of Pranksterism (Ed), Sunday, 29 March 2020 09:00 (two months ago) link

12. If you are from WA then you must quarantine with a quokka

American Fear of Pranksterism (Ed), Sunday, 29 March 2020 09:01 (two months ago) link

13. all cruise passengers MUST travel interstate and breathe everywhere and lick everything

karmic blowback for dissing pip and jane baker (Autumn Almanac), Sunday, 29 March 2020 09:02 (two months ago) link

14. Unless you are a foreign cruise passenger than you know what we do to foreigners who try and arrive by boat, so sail away son.

American Fear of Pranksterism (Ed), Sunday, 29 March 2020 09:04 (two months ago) link

15. DO NOT skate in skate parks, only in approved incubation centres such as classrooms

karmic blowback for dissing pip and jane baker (Autumn Almanac), Sunday, 29 March 2020 09:09 (two months ago) link

15. Hair appointments must last a minimum of 14 days

an incoherent crustacean (MatthewK), Sunday, 29 March 2020 09:26 (two months ago) link

17. hair styling services may only be provided by angus taylor’s hairdressing business

karmic blowback for dissing pip and jane baker (Autumn Almanac), Sunday, 29 March 2020 09:32 (two months ago) link

18. Angus tailors hairdressing business employs one overworked stylist called Betty.

American Fear of Pranksterism (Ed), Sunday, 29 March 2020 09:38 (two months ago) link

19. Only 2 people can gather together inside or outside unless you are a family in which case you can all gather together, kids can gather together in-groups of 35 at school and you can gather together at home, if you live alone you can gather with one other person who may or may not be a family member except where it's a bootcamp where you can gather with two other people regardless of whether they are family members or not. It is now unclear how many hairdressers can gather together although doctors on cruises can gather together in any number they like because they know better.

American Fear of Pranksterism (Ed), Sunday, 29 March 2020 22:23 (two months ago) link

20. If you violate the above rule in NSW Gladys will send the cops and the army round.

American Fear of Pranksterism (Ed), Sunday, 29 March 2020 22:24 (two months ago) link

21. Tasmanians may stay in their shack or their house for the next 4 weeks but must choose between their shack or house today.

American Fear of Pranksterism (Ed), Sunday, 29 March 2020 23:30 (two months ago) link

22. if the majority voted for mediocrities the people who didn’t vote for them must be grateful and applaud them when they do their best and it’s at best mediocre

estela, Monday, 30 March 2020 00:53 (two months ago) link

fingers crossed that the limit-of-two applies to the National Cabinet

an incoherent crustacean (MatthewK), Monday, 30 March 2020 02:25 (two months ago) link

23. Horse racing will continue because Australia must have something to bet on and horses can’t get the vid, maximum of 2 jockeys may gather on a horse, unless one of them is Betty the hairdresser or the horses are going to a boot camp.

American Fear of Pranksterism (Ed), Monday, 30 March 2020 02:33 (two months ago) link

24. In the event horse racing is cancelled we will all bet on how long it takes before Barnaby Joyce proudly violates the social distancing rules.

American Fear of Pranksterism (Ed), Monday, 30 March 2020 02:34 (two months ago) link

(odds considerably shorter for female office staff, naturally)

an incoherent crustacean (MatthewK), Monday, 30 March 2020 02:47 (two months ago) link

25. Do not stick magnets up your nose even if you are an astrophysicist.

American Fear of Pranksterism (Ed), Monday, 30 March 2020 06:02 (two months ago) link

lol i love that person and story

estela, Monday, 30 March 2020 07:27 (two months ago) link

26. In Queensland paying for a happy ending is no longer allowed unless it is at a bootcamp.

American Fear of Pranksterism (Ed), Tuesday, 31 March 2020 07:16 (two months ago) link

27. Dating is now banned in all states apart from Tasmania.

American Fear of Pranksterism (Ed), Tuesday, 31 March 2020 07:17 (two months ago) link

(covered by "family visits")

an incoherent crustacean (MatthewK), Tuesday, 31 March 2020 08:57 (two months ago) link

I'm sorry that was a free kick in front of an open goal (and I am Tasmanian)

an incoherent crustacean (MatthewK), Tuesday, 31 March 2020 08:58 (two months ago) link

28. Rooting is back on in VIC after Daniel Andrews realises that being in everyone's bedroom would result in a gathering of more than 2 people.

American Fear of Pranksterism (Ed), Wednesday, 1 April 2020 06:25 (two months ago) link

29. Every news parody website must contain a "Sydney lockout laws put in place for all this five years early" joke yarn

Tokyo Ghetto Stüssy (King Boy Pato), Friday, 10 April 2020 13:35 (one month ago) link

30. Everything is now illegal and if it isn’t the police will make up a rule on the spot so they can still fine you.

American Fear of Pranksterism (Ed), Tuesday, 14 April 2020 03:54 (one month ago) link

[Editor's note: Ed was arrested shortly after this post.]

an incoherent crustacean (MatthewK), Tuesday, 14 April 2020 05:30 (one month ago) link

Have to say the lockdown rules seem pretty random in Sydney. All the beaches in the eastern suburbs where I live have been closed, but I was delivering groceries to my mother today, 25 minutes' drive away in Mosman, and I thought I'd nip down to Balmoral Beach to see what the deal was there. Open. People not only swimming, but also sunbathing and eating their fish and chips on the sand.

Zelda Zonk, Tuesday, 14 April 2020 05:39 (one month ago) link

three weeks pass...

31. No jab, no play; unless you play professional sportsball in which case you can be a thick as pigshit arsehole and still play sportsball.

American Fear of Pranksterism (Ed), Thursday, 7 May 2020 11:40 (four weeks ago) link

antivaxers are cockwombles

karmic blowback for dissing pip and jane baker (Autumn Almanac), Thursday, 7 May 2020 12:12 (four weeks ago) link

32. install this app on your iphone, it doesn’t work but YOU will save australia

karmic blowback for dissing pip and jane baker (Autumn Almanac), Thursday, 7 May 2020 12:13 (four weeks ago) link

unless it's an iPhone, in which case you have to have it running in the foreground and boop people on the nose with your phone in order for it to work

an incoherent crustacean (MatthewK), Thursday, 7 May 2020 13:51 (four weeks ago) link

and stand next to them for 15 minutes

karmic blowback for dissing pip and jane baker (Autumn Almanac), Thursday, 7 May 2020 14:10 (four weeks ago) link

carrying a very large battery on my back for my iPhone is too much effort so I won't bother leaving the house

hey it works

Pre-Raphaelite Brah (King Boy Pato), Monday, 11 May 2020 12:09 (three weeks ago) link

33. Clive Palmer Banned from WA

(Checks Freo House prices)

American Fear of Pranksterism (Ed), Friday, 22 May 2020 05:45 (two weeks ago) link

34. Just a slight $60 billion error, champ

Pre-Raphaelite Brah (King Boy Pato), Friday, 22 May 2020 13:36 (two weeks ago) link

35. Dictator Dan vs Autarch Annastacia

Pre-Raphaelite Brah (King Boy Pato), Friday, 22 May 2020 13:38 (two weeks ago) link

36. it's cool bro Rugby League is back and it's going viral

Pre-Raphaelite Brah (King Boy Pato), Thursday, 28 May 2020 10:12 (one week ago) link

what's the haps?

massage angry pixels (sic), Thursday, 28 May 2020 11:12 (one week ago) link

fen haps?

Stoop Crone (Trayce), Friday, 29 May 2020 04:22 (one week ago) link

(Checks Freo House prices)

I hear the beachfront stuff is on clearance

an incoherent crustacean (MatthewK), Friday, 29 May 2020 04:59 (one week ago) link

I would live in Freo in a heartbeat if it wasnt six jillion miles from everywhere else.

Stoop Crone (Trayce), Friday, 29 May 2020 05:20 (one week ago) link

Almost for the nickname alone! Also the sun setting into the Indian Ocean is magic.

an incoherent crustacean (MatthewK), Friday, 29 May 2020 05:55 (one week ago) link

Freo is beuwwwtiful.

Pre-Raphaelite Brah (King Boy Pato), Friday, 29 May 2020 10:42 (one week ago) link


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