Shake Your Fist @ the Heavens & Yell FUCK YOU FANTASY FOOTBALL! at the top of your lungs

gronkowski number 1 pick
FUCK YOU FANTASY FOOTBALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
keenan allen number pick 2
FUCK YOU FANTASY FOOTBALL I HATE YOU!!!!!!

FUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUU!!!!

Ameer Abdullah
Thomas Rawls...

...the carnage continues

Todd Gurleyman

today I started:

QB: Matt Stafford (playing CHI)
WR1: MJJ (playing CHI)
WR2: TY Hilton (playing JAX)
WR3: Travis Benjamin (playing NO)
RB1: Isaiah Crowell
RB2: Sims
TE: Kelce
FLEX: Cooks (playing SD)
K: Tucker
DEF: Denver

aside from Crowell and Denver, every single one of my players missed their projected score. infuriatingly, I had Matt Ryan sitting on my bench, where he put up 57 points as he and Julio bent my Actual IRL NFL Professional American Footballers Squadron Of Choice over a pinball table; if I'd started him, I would have won my matchup. instead I lost by 40. why did I let my goddamn coworkers drag me back into this bottomless spiral of shame and rage. WHY.

one good thing did happen: last night I offered another owner Crowell and Duke for Gurley, and he turned it down without responding or countering or any of the usual courtesies you show people. interestingly enough he declined after Crow went off against Washington but before Gurley took the field; this means he saw Crow's 22 points and thought "nah man, Gurley's gonna be better than that." I like Cleveland's rushing situation in general (they're 4th in the league and average something like 185 yards per game, plus their passing game is extremely not great) and Crowell's in particular (the points he generates aren't totally dependent on TDs, he gets the ball a ton, etc).

I had also offered another owner Cooks and Tyrell for Diggs during the same drunken late-night offer spree; it got rejected in similar silent fashion, but I still wish that one had gone through. I still don't think either of these are terrible offers though!

antonio brown bailed me out of my terrible decision to start desean jackson over maclin. shady + gore both had great games for me but i'm only 3 pts up right now and my opponent has santos. so i have that always hilariously hyper specific rooting interest - only TDs for KC (or nothing - but definitely no fg), only passes to Brown for Steelers.

I love those specific conditions. last Monday I watched Falcons/Saints with some coworker friends; good thing it ended up being a shootout because we collectively had something like seven irons in that particular fire.

that same game saw one of my coworker friends rally from being down by 50ish to beat the office's resident Pats fan on the backs of Coleman and Brees. the Pats fan had been yapping all weekend at my friend about his insurmountable lead, so it was pretty great watching him get dropped to 0-3 (now 0-4).

santos ended up w/ only 2 extra points and 2 is less than 3 so i win by exactly 1.02 points!

the dude who put me on blast in the office FF slack channel for offering "offensive" trades (Cooks, Matt Ryan, and Sanu for Doug Martin and Amari Cooper is offensive?) got busted trying to offer the CJA owner DeSean Jackson straight up for him, lol

cooks, ryan and sanu for doug martin and cooper sounds v reasonable to me

pretty happy i didn't listen to all the brilliant pundits who said starting fitz w/ hoyer throwing is a mistake

hoyer plays for the bears so that should've been a big tip off as to the quality of that advice

lol yes i meant stanton i don't know why my mind was on hoyer

faint praise but hoyer is much better than stanton. fitz is fitz tho, since his resurrection last season i would err on the side of playing him whoever is throwing

it's a good thing he turned out since i lost keenan allen. brown-fitz and then maclin/desean my #3. rb's are shady-gore which has worked out nicely too.

shady not playing + doug martin still not back. my new team name: J'Acquizz!

#1 rated draft (yeah yeah useless in fantasy), A-Rodgers, AJ Green, Jordy Nelson, Matt Forte....2 and fuckin' 4.

trying to find a good fantasy RB this year is kinda like trying to find luxury cologne at a Dollar General

a friend of mine who moved out of new york city said that after a few months she realized that it was as if she'd been walking around with a foot long stick jabbed in her eye for the past five years and that getting out of nyc was like she could see again.
my first season not playing fantasy football in over a decade brings that anecdote to mind for some reason.

Malcolm Mitchell can go straight to hell.

started him :D

I'm up by 14 and I've got Gostkowski. But my opponent has Mitchell. I'm so fucked.

u think mitchell is going to score 14 more points this game??

There was like a two-second span of time when I thought the TD bomb to Hogan was Mitchell. I almost puked.

my team is awful but in the semifinals nonetheless what even is fantasy football

I finished top seed w most points in the regular season; our playoffs start this week

Antonio Brown is basically a win button

playing kaep today over stafford - actually started him back when he had that 30 pt game and sat him when he put up that 3 pt game. kaep don't fail me now!

my semifinals lineup:

Kaep, Antonio Brown, Larry Fitz, Shady, Rob Kelley, Jermaine Gersham (lolwat), Taylor Gabriel, Justin Tucker + KC

finished with the top seed. my bench is stafford, cj fied, muscle hamster, theo riddick, rishard matthews + alshon jeffrey

i'm playing against:

cam, davante adams, kerley, yeldon, hyde, clay, cameron meredith, matt bryant and houston

her team limped into the playoffs and tbh i'm feeling pretty good about my chances knock on wood i want to go to my first fantasy superbowl

thanking u based shady

My opponent is up by 24 and has DeSean Jackson. I have Jordan Reed and R. Kelly and Greg Olsen. Let's win this motherfucker!!

I'm up 25 with Kelley still to go and my opponent has Cam still to go.

FUCK YES KELLEY I'M GOING TO THE SUPERBOWL

omfg I needed 1.5 points out of Jordan Reed to advance and he goes no catches, then apparently separates his shoulder

PPR? he just made a catch.

sadly, no. got 0.6. apparently he came back but just got ejected, lol

My opponent is up by 24 and has DeSean Jackson. I have Jordan Reed and R. Kelly and Greg Olsen. Let's win this motherfucker!!

― Mr. Snrub, Monday, December 19, 2016 1:20 PM (yesterday) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

DeSean Jackson and Jordan Reed can go straight to fucking hell. Even though it's partly my fault for not starting Jonathan Stewart in place of Jordan Reed's corpse.

Ok guys - please help me make my final Superbowl roster decision!

.5 PPR, pick 3 of:

• Antonio Brown
• Alshon Jeffrey
• Larry Fitzgerald
• Rishard Matthews
• Taylor Gabriel
• Ty Montgomery (waiver)
• Dontrelle Inman (waiver)
• Malcolm Mitchell (waiver)

By contrast, here are my QB options:

• Matt Stafford (broken hand)
• Kaep (broken heart)

(RB seems set w/ Shady + Kelley. TE I'm trying to pick up Hunter Henry or if not I'll roll w/ either Gresham or Fiedorowicz if he's back. K = Justin Tucker. DE = KC.)

sigh - guy i'm playing in the superbowl has jordy nelson :/

gl man

if golden tate scores 8.96 points or less tomorrow night then i win

I WON MY SUPERBOWL BY .16 POINTS!

hope there's no 3 yard correction or anything

tell me about it!

Aw man, I came in second :/ I was pretty lucky to make the big game in the first place tho, so I guess I'll take my silver medal money.

i don't think we do silver medal money but we do highest point total money (which i also won :D :D :D)

it looks like i'm not going to get screwed by stat corrections so let me officially share my first FF Superbowl appearance AND victory with you all and the improbably close game that won it

http://imgur.com/COHGQ0E.jpg

oh wow congrats. what a margin of victory that is.

that's fine work

btw I have played fantasy for over 10 years and never once won more than a single playoff game. you'd think I'd luck into a finals completely by accident just once, but no. I really suck.

I last won a league the year that LT2 had like 28 TDs. he was so good I lost like once all year.

49ers expected to fire Chip Kelly and GM Trent Baalke, sources say

Heya all. So my league has two open spots I'm looking to fill. It's a .5 PPR ($20 buy in). We have some good/strong players. League is mostly Philly/NJ based, but we draft online so that doesn't have to stop you! Draft date looks like Labor Day @ 7PM EST. If you're interested lemmi know and I'll ilxmail you the invite link.

maaaaaaaaan i better not. but tempting!

Let me know if you change your mind :)

how about frogbs? surely you're game?

just need 2 more teams... surely some intrepid ilxor is game?

bump cause i still need 2 teams and the draft is rapidly approaching...

Yahoo rated my (#12 pick) .5 PPR draft as 10th out of 12 but I think they're wrong:

QB: Tyrod Taylor (whatever I'll stream this)
WR: AJ Green, Demaryius Thomas, DeVante Parker, Sammy Watkins, Jordan Matthews
RB: Melvin Gordon, Ty Montgomery, Frank Gore, Terrance West, Matt Forte
TE: Hunter Henry, OJ Howard

imo you need montgomery to be great not good and you need the miami offense to go thru parker, which it might, and for him to get more tds.

i like both of them esp montgomery in a PPR league

I was late to my draft party and the auto-draft basically kicked in if you weren't signed in, and having last pick in a reversal-draft meant it auto-drafted Ajayi and Gordon for me back to back :/

not that I dislike the Ajayi pick but idk if I'd have gone RB-RB

I miss the days of like 2005 where basically whoever drafted LT2 was p much in the finals (esp cos it was usually me)

i won last season so i drafted from the 12 spot this year and went for a high risk high upside strategy

2019 Fantasy Draft

Cam Newton
Julio Jones
Brandon Cooks
Todd Gurley
Chris Carson
David Njoku
Duke Johnson Jr
Jake Elliot
Cleveland DEF

Josh Gordon
Marvin Jones Jr
Larry Fitzgerald
Justice Hill
Dante Pettis
Adrian Peterson

actually very happy with this. feel like it's one of my better drafts. tons of injury risk but i have a new philosophy about football which is that no one is safe everyone is an injury concern it's an extraordinarily dangerous sport so don't worry about it.

I think the thing that has soured me on fantasy football...this year, though I'm usually very active in the league, the draft happened on a day I was busy, so my team was auto-drafted, I soured on football cos I'm a Dolphins fan, and I was overseas, meaning I was often sleeping when the games were on. plus I couldn't remember my password to get into the application (we've been a league for 5 years) and never remembered to reset it.

I've never set a lineup all year. I never even looked at who is on my team. I don't know who my players are.

I'm 9-5 and playoff bound apparently.

Maybe try a more competitive league? (Unless you're playing for money... definitely stay in this league if it's for money.)

I was down 40 points on Monday but still had Ertz and Wentz left. After four quarters they had basically done nothing. One of my most satisfying wins ever

that fucking Aaron Jones TD run on Monday night cost me $250.

as someone who has come so close so many times and lost on little things so many times, i feel your pain

however i won my league on a stat correction this year so i guess what goes around comes around???

Nice! Actually, Freddie Kitchens is probably the one who owes me money for wasting OBJ

lol which stat correction?

i think it was a danielle hunter tackel, we have idp, it's exhausting

i really wanted to name my team "pacheco cadaver" but there's zero chance any of my league mates would get it

i settled for "freek-a-leek-eler" instead