bill simmons IS bill simmons IN the book of BASKETBALL

SYLVIA PLISCHKE — C-minus
Probably the most attractive tall woman on the tour, which isn't saying much... short-haired blonde, painfully skinny... she's about six-foot-three, but she doesn't have that stiff-legged, "women's hoop coach" walk like most other tall tennis players ... on the bright side, I'm convinced she wasn't wearing a bra during her matches last year.

MARY PIERCE — B-minus
Captain of the "Beauty is just a lightswitch away" club ... in other words, she's got a Butter Face (everything looks great but her face) ... supposedly better-looking in person ... then again, they said the same thing about Rocky Dennis ... one of the few female tennis players with a legit cleavage... as Frank Drebin said in the first "Naked Gun" movie, "She's got the kinda breasts that say 'Hey, look at these!'"

Two drawbacks here: 1) Pierce dates Robbie Alomar, which speaks for itself, and 2) she had that weird restraining order thing against her domineering father, which means she possesses an inordinate amount of emotional baggage ... there's just a lot to work with here, both positive and negative.

**** Caveman #1: "She's searching for a father figure, which means she's probably extremely attentive to her man's needs. Extremely attentive."

**** Caveman #2: "Remember when Kenny Mayne was doing tennis highlights and said, 'Mary Pierce down a set, although it doesn't appear that way'? Now THAT's comedy!"

ARANXTA SANCHEZ-VICARIO — D-plus
Built like a fire hydrant ... not a lot to work with here ... her face finally cleared up, so she actually looks the best she's ever looked.

(Note: That last statement reminds me of something my buddy Worm said in college when we were talking about a chunky girl on our hall — one of her friends had said how this girl had lost 15 pounds and the Worm quickly responded, "Oh good, only 40 more to go." High comedy. You had to be there. By the way, I'm babbling...

**** Caveman #1: "The WTA doesn't let Aranxta raise trophies after she wins tournaments due to her McHale-like armpit-hair."

JENNIFER CAPRIATI — C-plus
She should have a tattoo of a suitcase on her right arm, because this gal's got baggage! ... not only did she have a serious drug problem, but you just KNOW she did some bizarre things when she was in her "Sidney from Melrose Place" stage a few years back (I'm still waiting for the secret Capriati porn tape to show up at Tower Records, ala Tonya Harding) ... one of my buddies in the know swears that Capriati had a breast reduction, so we're going to have to dock her grade just on rumor alone ... basically, she's starting off with a C before we even evaluate her ... and I think her features are a little rough ... on the other hand, she's probably the most fun girl on the tour to go out drinking with, so that brings her up to a C-plus.

**** Caveman #2: "Like every drug girl in college, slightly overweight but still cute enough to take advantage of for a one-nighter. Thighs show the effect of many nights with the munchies, but return to the game could work in her favor, as long as she doesn't start sniffing the lines or smoking the grass at Wimbledon."

THE WILLIAMS SISTERS — B-minus
Call me crazy, but I think they're cute in an Amazon kinda way ... any man who hasn't thought about being in the middle of a Williams sister sandwich is lying, plain and simple ... then again, I also think Chamique Holdsclaw is cute ...then again, I think almost everyone is cute ... one of those cases were the sum is much greater than the parts... and let's be honest, the beads thing is pretty kinky ... Serena's body is right out of a porno movie (she's on the Frank Drebin team) ... they're also a tad surly, which can always be fun after a few drinks ... one drawback: a domineering father.

**** Caveman #1: "Venus is just scary. Anyone that confident, big and strong would reduce any man to a quivering mass of blubbering flesh. Serena's better looking, and since she has the second child thing going on, she'd probably go the extra mile to get the job done for her man

**** Caveman #2: "Both of them make a lotta noise, if you get my drift. Hey now."

AMELIA MURESMA — F-minus
As Austin Powers once said, "She's a man, baby!" ... in fact, Martina Hingis remarked that the French-born Muresma was "half-man" during the 1998 U.S. Open, which infuriated French fans and caused Hingis to get booed all through last year's French Open ... Amelia's just terrifying ... every time she makes the semifinals of a major, she has a "Latrell Sprewell in the NBA Finals" effect on the ratings ... a "Saturday Night Live" skit waiting to happen, ala Janet Reno.

**** Caveman #1: "AHHHHHH! AHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHH!"

**** Caveman #2: "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!! AHHHHHH! AHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHH!"

MONICA SELES — D
Always looks like she hasn't showered in about five days ... used to be much cuter a few years ago, before she was stabbed in the back ... lately she looks like she's been hanging around the buffet table with Billie Jean King ... she might want to consider looser clothing (nothing worse than a top-ranked tennis player with a front-butt) ... on the bright side, she makes an astounding amount of noise ... there isn't a man alive who hasn't mulled her over after one of her yelping forehands.

**** Caveman #1: "You get the feeling her breasts hang down like fire hoses when she doesn't have a bra on.

**** Caveman #2: "Not a good potential date because she would probably eat so much you'd go broke."

you know, there was a link to the article upthread...

(nothing worse than a top-ranked tennis player with a front-butt)

I agree that this is the worst thing

btw bill was a notably worse writer back then huh

any man who hasn't thought about being in the middle of a Williams sister sandwich is lying, plain and simple

I don't often fantasize about being crushed to death but I guess this wouldn't be a bad way to go

didn't see that link, oh well...

btw bill was a notably worse writer back then huh

uhhh not really, no

yah totally, blatantly

yeah he was

is the "caveman 1" and "caveman 2" thing like anonymous reader submissions or like the pure id of bill simmons presented in a way that makes him feel better

i think by merely toning down his misogyny from tucker max levels to beer commercial levels he's become a better writer. i mean i think he's mostly tedious now but better without a doubt.

stuff like this aside, the only time in which Bill was really tolerable was before the Red Sox won in 2004; haven't you read any of his recent stuff? like his 20 page opus on why there can only be 15 movie stars at one time, how none of them can be women, and how Ryan Reynolds is definitely not one of them?

maybe it's "cousin sal" and "jacko" xpost

Note: That last statement reminds me of something my buddy Worm said in college when we were talking about a chunky girl on our hall — one of her friends had said how this girl had lost 15 pounds and the Worm quickly responded, "Oh good, only 40 more to go." High comedy. You had to be there.

good thing he qualified that statement...I was thinking..."40 more...what? What is he talking about?" I guess I had to be there...

Somehow the result of the Grantland experiment is that now I never, ever read Simmons (or listen to his podcasts), whereas before I read/listened him pretty much every week. Not sure why that is.

i think a lot of that is because his articles come out at like 3 PM on a Friday and i'm usually done for the week by then. not really a prime spot for a writer.

out of sight (espn.com), out of mind

http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/7503780/the-return-young-jeezy

? ! ?

http://a.espncdn.com/i/columnists/barshad_amos_m.jpg? http://a.espncdn.com/i/columnists/barshad_amos_m.jpg! http://a.espncdn.com/i/columnists/barshad_amos_m.jpg?

removing the bookmark from this thread so I'm never reminded of what a revolting shithead bill simmons is

why does deadspin feel the need to mercilessly bash bill simmons and grantland at every opportunity?

i feel like a good part of it is an inferiority complex? deadspin's always been really critical of ESPN so the idea of ESPN spinning off something like deadspin-lite has got to stick in their craw a bit

why does deadspin feel the need to mercilessly bash bill simmons and grantland at every opportunity?

― Mr. Snrub, Thursday, January 26, 2012 7:19 PM (1 hour ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

because bill simmons is kind of an asshole?

dying @ snrub

getting butthurt over deadspin's trolling of grantland is... quite a reason to get a hurt butt, i must say

god is that female tennis playing grading shit upthread for real? what a piece of work.

yeah them uncovering this shit is pretty awesome but when grantland started and they made a list of every nitpicky factual error it seemed pretty stupid

well they demonstrated that it's pretty weird to start a website of professional writing that does not employ any ediotrs.

Look, I don't want to be captain save-a-simmons here. He is an asshole. I mean, you can't even blame this horrible tennis article on "He was young, he didn't know better. That's why he's kept all these articles hidden so long; he was too embarrased" because he writes this shit all the time! Like his "Women should be forced to have their own fantasy leagues!" rant not too long ago, the prick.

imo simmons is who he is, don't really have enough time in my day to get all fake appalled over his dumb fratty bullshit, i mean duh of course he wrote this article

seriously who has that big a problem with women in a fantasy league. like yeah it sucks when someone's wife signs up b/c you didn't have enough people to run a league and winds up winning despite not knowing a single player she drafted but I think that's just because it reminds us all there is minimal skill in fantasy football and therefore bragging about how you dominated your league "for the last two years, bro" means nothing

seriously who has that big a problem with women in a fantasy league. like yeah it sucks when someone's wife signs up b/c you didn't have enough people to run a league and winds up winning despite not knowing a single player she drafted

lol well i don't know that it "sucks" but it's funny, my wife won our fantasy league for the second year in a row this year, mostly b/c she likes drew brees and is a big halo benders/beat happening fan (and therefore drafted calvin johnson.)

haha

time to channel my inner Simmons:

It's like, you know, that guy at the Blackjack table, who's playing horribly, hitting 14's vs. a 6, not splitting his 10's vs. a 5, and yet he's winning every hand. Meanwhile you're betting triple what he is and getting killed by 21's every time you get dealt a pair of bitches. THAT'S what my friend's wife does to this fantasy league.

frog bill simmons

lul

frogland

and is a big halo benders/beat happening fan (and therefore drafted calvin johnson.)

― omar little, Thursday, January 26, 2012 11:48 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

lmao

yeah I feel like there's some thread on ILX that deserves to be curated in.

why does deadspin feel the need to mercilessly bash bill simmons and grantland at every opportunity?

uh because grantland will publish one or two well written pieces that ~makes u think~ but then publish 1157 articles of shit like "what if (x) on reality show was on reality show (x)" and "why does Michael Jordan dress up as the R&B Steven Seagal?" (totally forgetting that MJ does not have the major paunch or slicked back hair or crazy bad Asian outfits for such an endeavour)

tbf theyve been on the Simmons beat since way before grantland, they h8 him cause he was their boyhood idol but now that theyve grown theyre embarrassed of him, particularly since he did m/l invent the thing theyre doing, they admitted as much, also im sure its good 4 hits

lol exactly, Simmons was Deadspin before Deadspin in a way, and really one of the first sportswriters that seemed to be on the same wavelength as the fans

yah same wavelength as the fans was simmons credo, now days we call that 'blogging"

there was def something appealing about simmons in the early espn days, pre-bosox world championship when there was something universal and poetic about his sports fan pain but i feel it soon calcified into schtick and he didn't really take his style as a writer into better places. and beyond that i find his sexual politics to be really kind of nasty and cruel. he's still vastly better as a stylist than he was during the days he wrote that tennis piece.