The Witcher -- violence, sex, and alchemy as part of your daily balanced breakfast

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Anyone tried this yet? It's not bad, in the beginning, at least. The censored American version doesn't have the nipples, but the humping is still there.

Also, for some reason, I keep thinking the hero is Skwisgaar Skwigelf(from Dethklok), except that he's norweigan, whereas the dude in the game is of E.European extraction.

At any rate, you have it all: dank, gothic environments; violent, well-executed swordplay, and whores 'n' titties.

kingfish, Monday, 5 November 2007 08:12 (eleven years ago) link

And another thing, if you fuck a dryad, do you get splinters in your dilznick?

I mean, there's gotta be a million jokes you can make about "smelly bogs" and all that, but still...

kingfish, Monday, 5 November 2007 08:35 (eleven years ago) link

i've never heard of this game... that video is really fucked up. is the whole game that, uhh, "adult"?

Will M., Monday, 5 November 2007 16:46 (eleven years ago) link

Nah, it's just from some polish gamedevs, who really wanted to take a crack at a dark rpg game.

it's kinda neat, so far.

kingfish, Tuesday, 6 November 2007 00:43 (eleven years ago) link

the crashy crashy shit is annoying, tho

kingfish, Tuesday, 6 November 2007 06:18 (eleven years ago) link

bit more vid, gives you an idea of the vibe & the writing

kingfish, Tuesday, 6 November 2007 07:50 (eleven years ago) link

seven months pass...

Got an updated card, can play this now. Apparently, the gamedev house is released an "enhanced edition" in september, which boosts up a lot of shit and takes care of everything else.

Also, harkening back to anime fandom of the 90s, online fans of the game are sharing the original(?) polish voice-acting files, along with upgraded/rewritten subtitles. Can't be any worse than the half-assed English release so far.

kingfish, Saturday, 14 June 2008 08:18 (eleven years ago) link

I like this game, including the bits where you can gamble on and participate in bare-knuckle fights in taverns, like Philo Beddo.

kingfish, Wednesday, 18 June 2008 03:52 (eleven years ago) link

Switching between polish and american language tracks, I find that the polish voice actors better represent the characters, but the language is too rough. Japanese would be fine, but I switched back to the american track, which is your standard mix of American and various English accents.

kingfish, Sunday, 22 June 2008 03:36 (eleven years ago) link

one year passes...

so this is pretty badasss~~~ killing some undead in the STRONG STYLE

lol my friend gave me the two books this is based on and instead of a synopsis or w/e the back is just like "inspiration for the critically acclaimed video game"

(Σx)² (Lamp), Wednesday, 22 July 2009 05:47 (ten years ago) link

one year passes...

The way they're rolling out Witcher 2 is pretty awesome - you can preorder on gog, and if you buy in europe and pay 15 extra or whatever they give you a credit based on how much you overpaid compared to the us version

Onigaga (Princess TamTam), Friday, 19 November 2010 20:59 (eight years ago) link

five months pass...

i got high and ordered this from amazon? i've never played it! i read exciting INTRICATE INTERCONNECTED PLOT STRANDS things. plus it was like $5.

difficult listening hour, Wednesday, 11 May 2011 19:56 (eight years ago) link

'better than expected' is a shitty compliment but this was way more fun 2 play than i had anticpated it being

funperson (Lamp), Thursday, 12 May 2011 23:14 (eight years ago) link

this is awesome -- had no idea the spirit of '97 was still alive. being able to switch between over-the-shoulder WoW mode and isometric planescape mode made me giddy. plus it is a noir! with a compelling shadowy morally tumultuous plot! a little lolzy with its dialogue sometimes, especially when it's being Adult (like, before the first hour of gameplay was up i'd had sex with a sorceress in fishnets who afterwards told me not to say goodbye because "you don't want to see a sorceress cry") but that's okay. i have the ENHANCED EDITION and it came with a MAP, i could hardly believe it, although it still just crammed like six discs on top of each other onto one plastic spindle. here's what's wrong with capitalism: as video games made more money, their packaging got worse.

difficult listening hour, Wednesday, 18 May 2011 23:13 (eight years ago) link

also i am a big morrowind fan but this game's alchemy system is simultaneously deeper and easier. but then morrowind's alchemy system is admittedly no fun at all.

difficult listening hour, Wednesday, 18 May 2011 23:18 (eight years ago) link

this game is better than most movies.

difficult listening hour, Monday, 23 May 2011 04:18 (eight years ago) link

i feel like ill have to upgrade my pc just to play witcher 2 but gd do i want 2 play witcher 2

ᵉ( ᷅ʷɣʷ)ᵊ (Lamp), Monday, 23 May 2011 23:18 (eight years ago) link

Stop that, stop that right now

Crazed Mister Handy (kingfish), Monday, 23 May 2011 23:35 (eight years ago) link

I started playing the 1st one again and like it a lot more with 1) a faster computer and 2) the add-on where you can play it in its original russian with english subs. Fits the atmosphere of the game a lot better and makes the character seem that much more alien and weird. any option like that on witcher 2?

You Get Hoynes (bnw), Saturday, 28 May 2011 15:49 (eight years ago) link

i think the original language is polish, isn't it? but i'm playing in russian too, because the english voice acting isn't great and i thought it might help my russian. the english subtitles leave a lot of things out, but i can only understand half of the excess.

difficult listening hour, Saturday, 28 May 2011 15:58 (eight years ago) link

anyway, this game should not be played in english because one of the things that makes it so great is how eastern european the world is. monsters like rusalki and koschei, orthodox-looking priests, lots of references to the secret police. "they wore long grey coats over their armor and thought they had fooled me," a girl in the game said to me in her apartment, "but i learned to spot their kind in university." later we had sex, of course.

difficult listening hour, Saturday, 28 May 2011 16:07 (eight years ago) link

Watched a bit of this last night. Very cool game. Definitely gotta watch it in Polish.

polyphonic, Saturday, 28 May 2011 16:57 (eight years ago) link

I played the original w/ Polish audio and I couldn't do so for too long. Something about the language and vocal direction made it way too harsh or coarse to listen to, and so I had to switch back to English. I wonder if Russian would go down smoother.

Crazed Mister Handy (kingfish), Saturday, 28 May 2011 19:15 (eight years ago) link

one year passes...

Being trying to play Witcher 2 but I just can't get into it. The story is ... convoluted. And sort of boring. Does it get any better?

Jeff, Saturday, 14 July 2012 10:57 (seven years ago) link

I gave up pretty early. The gameplay seemed way too complicated to translate to console, and the English version of the dialog was pretty bad.

polyphonic, Saturday, 14 July 2012 19:44 (seven years ago) link

three months pass...

under 20 bucks for the 360 version. I went for it but am still heavily ensconced in tokyo jungle, xcom and dark souls, so....

let's have sex and then throw pottery (forksclovetofu), Sunday, 21 October 2012 22:04 (six years ago) link

Tried 2 again today. Not worth it. There are just too many game mechanics with the mutagens, oils, potions, skill tree, magic spells. The controls are difficult. The story/cut scenes take forever and makes no sense. Selling it.

Jeff, Saturday, 3 November 2012 21:06 (six years ago) link

I got distracted from this. I enjoy the universe and vibe of the game, so maybe I'll come back to over Christmas.

the max in the high castle (kingfish), Saturday, 3 November 2012 21:21 (six years ago) link

20 bucks?? i thought this was on the regularly-less-than-a-fiver stratum of videogames

set the controls for the heart of the congos (thomp), Saturday, 3 November 2012 21:49 (six years ago) link

two months pass...

i bought this. and played through the prologue on hard and then restarted and played through it on easy because i figured the combat was never going to be interesting or fun enough to warrant the extra investment in time.

attempt to look intentionally nerdy, awkward or (thomp), Sunday, 20 January 2013 19:58 (six years ago) link

one month passes...

hey somebody give me a good critical review of this plzzz

feel like i'd love a good technical non-dumb rpg but if this sucks i don't want to be disappointed

goole, Friday, 22 February 2013 20:21 (six years ago) link

W1 or W2? Witcher 2 has been described by everybody as being far more playable

The New Jack Mormons! (kingfish), Saturday, 23 February 2013 10:45 (six years ago) link

i loved witcher 1, didn't like the 360 version of witcher 2 (for technical reasons) but people love the pc version and i could see why.

it is dumb and grim and dark and grim.

adam, Sunday, 24 February 2013 02:36 (six years ago) link

witcher 2 takes awhile to get going. it has maybe the worst prologue i have ever seen. a ton of dialogue and random game mechanics that have nothing to do with the game. spends a lot more time on boring backstory then showing you how to play.

its good enough that i am still playing but

- quests that you can either google or spend 6 hours trying to solve are bullshit
- the target lock system of fighting makes fighting vs groups stupidly difficult
- no fast travel gets really old really fast i.e. you end up running the same path probably 20 times per "chapter".

if you like dragon age games, you'll probably be on its level.

bnw, Wednesday, 27 February 2013 21:19 (six years ago) link

hmm thx for the responses everybody but i think i'll pass

i'm kind of burned out on engrossing but mechanically/narratively frustrating rpgs (read: rpgs) right now

goole, Wednesday, 27 February 2013 21:25 (six years ago) link

two months pass...

n e 1 played witcher 1 enhanced edition? i know i can't run 2 on my lolmacbook but apparently i meet the specs for 1. the one for mac is a wineskin which i didn't realize steam was in the habit of selling

am0n, Friday, 24 May 2013 20:45 (six years ago) link


joe bogus (am0n), Friday, 31 May 2013 14:54 (six years ago) link

i loved witcher 1 for a while but never finished it. lots of hokey problems and i set the voice acting to russian so the performances wouldn't bother me as much, but if you're into classic late-90s rpgs (fallout, torment, etc) it's an acceptable substitute. i still love the corrupt decaying slavic fantasy world even if some of its Look! Racism! moments are heavyhanded, and i dig the idea of your being a professional monster-hunter in an age when the really dangerous monsters are less slavering-fangs-in-the-woods and more well-dressed-diplomats-at-parties. be sure to download the TITTIES PATCH (it does other things too, i guess):

the white queen and her caustic judgments (difficult listening hour), Friday, 31 May 2013 15:09 (six years ago) link

combat is diablo with one extra mechanic, so dumb fun until it isn't.

the white queen and her caustic judgments (difficult listening hour), Friday, 31 May 2013 15:19 (six years ago) link

lol ( @ Y @ ) patch. did you play 2 at all

joe bogus (am0n), Friday, 31 May 2013 15:51 (six years ago) link

i did not.

looking upthread i found a post of mine that sums up why w1 was hard to resist for me:

"they wore long grey coats over their armor and thought they had fooled me," a girl said to me in her apartment, "but i learned to spot their kind in university." later we had sex, of course.

the white queen and her caustic judgments (difficult listening hour), Friday, 31 May 2013 15:54 (six years ago) link

haha. i'm not sure whether that makes me want to play it more or less

Nhex, Friday, 31 May 2013 18:10 (six years ago) link

Tried playing 1 in Polish, but the language was so harsh I didn't enjoy it. Didn't try Russian.

Hockey Drunk (kingfish), Friday, 31 May 2013 18:22 (six years ago) link

i might go back and try the polish trick.

what got me was, i put it in hard so the combat wasn't trivial, but it was not-trivial in such a boring way i wished i'd put it on easy so i could basically skip it

the bitcoin comic (thomp), Saturday, 1 June 2013 22:12 (six years ago) link

am0n, Tuesday, 11 June 2013 19:32 (six years ago) link

uh wait thats not even the trailer

am0n, Tuesday, 11 June 2013 19:36 (six years ago) link

$3.39 on steam

am0n, Saturday, 15 June 2013 20:15 (six years ago) link

so witcher 1 sux. o well.

am0n, Monday, 17 June 2013 17:14 (six years ago) link

fiddly tactical gritty fantasy rpg seems like it wd be right up my alley but i couldn't get thru the tutorial areas of this. looks really labored and unenjoyable.

goole, Monday, 17 June 2013 17:27 (six years ago) link

witcher 2 i mean

silly ass intro movie too.

goole, Monday, 17 June 2013 17:27 (six years ago) link

tbh my least favorite parts of both skyrim and witcher were the alchemy and potion and crafting stuff.

i love picking spells and weapons and upgrading equipment, but for some reason when it extends into keeping track of 60 different sets of recipes to make marginal upgrades to stats i just get overwhelmed and stare distantly and wistfully.

Karl Malone, Thursday, 25 May 2017 18:01 (two years ago) link

kinda like this, but with just a hint of hope

Karl Malone, Thursday, 25 May 2017 18:02 (two years ago) link

Free public beta for online Gwent is live

this was a good choice for breaking in the new pc, the environments look incredible

ciderpress, Friday, 26 May 2017 14:09 (two years ago) link

stealthing and sniping is how I always like my characters to live, have only played the first Witcher which I like just fine but it isn't a patch on any Elder Scrolls game and you totally have to tank along and the alchemy is a huuuuuuuge buzzkill

The Remoans of the May (Noodle Vague), Friday, 26 May 2017 14:30 (two years ago) link

this is still fun 15 hours in though the combat kinda sucks relative to the rest of the package. i also haven't had much desire to dig into the crafting or alchemy systems, i've just been leveling up quick attack and the magic signs and playing it as a hack & slash

ciderpress, Tuesday, 30 May 2017 16:23 (two years ago) link

Also replaying this on PC rn

Still as beautiful as the day I married it

Dadjokke (Sgt. Biscuits), Tuesday, 30 May 2017 17:15 (two years ago) link

one year passes...

Is the Complete Edition worth getting over the vanilla (and $20!) version?

Abercromb Metrion Finchos (Leee), Thursday, 26 July 2018 17:54 (one year ago) link

what's the price difference? the extra content is very good but the base game is already pretty huge

Roberto Spiralli, Thursday, 26 July 2018 17:58 (one year ago) link

Looks like it's pretty easy to find CE (new) between $35 and $40.

Abercromb Metrion Finchos (Leee), Thursday, 26 July 2018 18:06 (one year ago) link

i'd say if you have the hours to pour into it you can't go too wrong with the CE but i think the 2 expansions were priced at $10 and $20, so you're not going to be enormously punished if you hedge with just the base game

Roberto Spiralli, Thursday, 26 July 2018 18:32 (one year ago) link

blood and wine is a pretty huge expansion and worth it if youre the type who doesn't burn out on RPGs 50 hours in

ciderpress, Thursday, 26 July 2018 19:39 (one year ago) link

personally I ran out of steam before getting there

ciderpress, Thursday, 26 July 2018 19:40 (one year ago) link

yeah i still haven't finished blood and wine. hearts of stone was good though.

na (NA), Thursday, 26 July 2018 20:00 (one year ago) link

I guess I'm really out of the loop because I've spent two marathon sessions on the game so far even though White Orchard is considered a prologue level. I've barely even scratched the surface of crafting, but that's probably because in still early in the game and I'm missing a lot of key ingredients.

And OMG Gwent, I can see myself easily sinking hours into it.

Abercromb Metrion Finchos (Leee), Sunday, 29 July 2018 16:55 (one year ago) link

Will ILX revoke my Kool Kid's Club Kard if I say that the flood of ?s on the Velen map make me want to skip all those sidequests and get on with the main story?

Abercromb Metrion Finchos (Leee), Monday, 30 July 2018 20:52 (one year ago) link

I mean my god:

Abercromb Metrion Finchos (Leee), Monday, 30 July 2018 21:08 (one year ago) link

do not try to do every sidequest in witcher 3 you will die

ciderpress, Monday, 30 July 2018 21:28 (one year ago) link

velen is the largest area by far fwiw

ciderpress, Monday, 30 July 2018 21:29 (one year ago) link

i did everything, in the main game at least, and have no regrets

Roberto Spiralli, Monday, 30 July 2018 21:53 (one year ago) link

Roberto r u a ghost?

Abercromb Metrion Finchos (Leee), Monday, 30 July 2018 21:56 (one year ago) link

no comment

Roberto Spiralli, Monday, 30 July 2018 21:57 (one year ago) link

Regarding possible ways to die, I can think of worse ways than Witcher 3 sidequests.

Abercromb Metrion Finchos (Leee), Tuesday, 31 July 2018 18:55 (one year ago) link

it took me 2+ years to finish this game and I found myself forgetting the entire plot when I'd pick it back up..

officer sonny bonds, lytton pd (mayor jingleberries), Wednesday, 1 August 2018 16:19 (one year ago) link

I was a little disappointed after last night's session, because although I'm on the trail of the Bloody Baron's daughter, I did not open any areas with new Gwent players.

Abercromb Metrion Finchos (Leee), Wednesday, 1 August 2018 22:10 (one year ago) link

you should just get the gwent standalone game! i haven't played it but have heard it's pretty good

Karl Malone, Wednesday, 1 August 2018 22:14 (one year ago) link

xp to jingles good grief

Abercromb Metrion Finchos (Leee), Wednesday, 1 August 2018 22:14 (one year ago) link

Bloody Baron: I'll never know what bloom would've been the favorite of my miscarried daughter, and the fault lies with me.
Geralt: Wanna play Gwent?

Abercromb Metrion Finchos (Leee), Thursday, 2 August 2018 16:46 (one year ago) link

Not sure I'm actually enjoying this now (level 14), might need to take a break.

Don't care for these characters much TBH.

Abercromb Metrion Finchos (Leee), Monday, 6 August 2018 06:24 (one year ago) link

I think that Geralt's general lack of affect may be why I'm connecting to him, but that doesn't explain why I'm not connecting with other, more colorful/expressive characters.

Abercromb Metrion Finchos (Leee), Monday, 6 August 2018 23:10 (one year ago) link

Is the story supposed to be good or merely good for an open-world RPG? I haven't been impressed, and I'm in Act II now.

Gwent Stefani (Leee), Monday, 20 August 2018 19:28 (one year ago) link

the overall story did not strike me as a strength at the time and i can barely remember anything about it now. i don't think that the main storyline/plot is ever done well in open world games, and the smaller stories you discover (or sometimes create) as you go about the world are where narrative elements can actually shine.

Roberto Spiralli, Monday, 20 August 2018 19:42 (one year ago) link

What prompted me was actually a secondary quest, the one where you help the Irish viking princess help free a local chieftain from a demon tormenting him by...


... throwing his newborn infant into an oven -- basically, the demon needs to find a new host who genuinely has intense feelings of guilt, but the outlines of the plan were already described by Geralt so why would he feel real remorse?

Gwent Stefani (Leee), Monday, 20 August 2018 19:55 (one year ago) link

yeah people mostly like it for all the weirdo side stories and world building. i never finished the main quest, same as all open world games

ciderpress, Monday, 20 August 2018 19:56 (one year ago) link

I finished it on accident

officer sonny bonds, lytton pd (mayor jingleberries), Thursday, 23 August 2018 22:03 (one year ago) link

i find the story more amusing than necessarily good but it still has some sense of character to it and a consistency within its own world. some of the skeillige scenes were hilarious, as an irish person. the acting and the diff accents from diff parts of ireland.

it's weird reading the diff reactions to it. i never played a single hand of gwent after the first 10-minute foray, and i was a magic the gathering nerd in my teens. just couldn't get into it.

prob be surprised if i ever enjoy a game as much as this tho i am already looking forward to their cyberpunk game.

FernandoHierro, Thursday, 23 August 2018 22:21 (one year ago) link

ten months pass...

in a world

Karl Malone, Sunday, 21 July 2019 18:49 (two months ago) link

where you have to change your sword to suit your enemy

Karl Malone, Sunday, 21 July 2019 18:49 (two months ago) link

one butt is

Karl Malone, Sunday, 21 July 2019 18:49 (two months ago) link


Karl Malone, Sunday, 21 July 2019 18:49 (two months ago) link

*slow motion shot of butt muscles gently breathing in and out*

Karl Malone, Sunday, 21 July 2019 18:50 (two months ago) link

I just started this today ! I mean III. I hate starting games though and this one seems massive but I will try.

L'assie (Euler), Sunday, 21 July 2019 19:53 (two months ago) link

One butt cheek is for human enemies, the other butt cheek is for monsters.

just another country (snoball), Sunday, 21 July 2019 20:27 (two months ago) link

that explains the unbalanced tingling when the witcher walks through the woods

Karl Malone, Sunday, 21 July 2019 20:32 (two months ago) link

henry cavill sucks and is bad, therefore this show will suck and be bad


Fuck the NRA (ulysses), Sunday, 21 July 2019 23:06 (two months ago) link

Also the game is bad.

Coelacanth Green (Leee), Sunday, 21 July 2019 23:27 (two months ago) link


All three instalments are worth playing. 1-2 do certain things better than 3.

pomenitul, Monday, 22 July 2019 11:17 (two months ago) link

“One of the things that probably shifted the most once we cast Henry is that Geralt speaks a lot less than I initially intended. In the books, Geralt’s actually quite chatty. He talks a lot. What I found, though, is that on-screen—especially with Henry portraying him—a lot can be done in looks and in grunts. Henry’s a big grunter. I mean that in the best way possible,” she said.

Coelacanth Green (Leee), Monday, 22 July 2019 22:05 (two months ago) link

oh he’s a big grunter alright

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