hangover grading scale

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Hangover Grading Scale

One Star Hangover (*):
No pain. No real feeling of illness.
You're able to function relatively well; however, you are still parched. You can drink 5 Cokes and still feel this way.
For some reason, you are craving a steak & chips.

Two Star Hangover (**):
No pain, but something is definitely amiss.
You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun.
The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the kebab from the 3:00 AM munchie excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***):
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy.
You are definitely not productive.
Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the
flavoured schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink.
Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching
Friends reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet coke. yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****):
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing.
You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke.
Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a
lecture for reeking of booze.
You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.)
Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts.
Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five craps you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****):
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.
In fact, you are probably still drunk.
You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the dead bird out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you.
Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of
alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your butt.
Death sounds pretty good about right now!

clocko diko (honesttoafault), Thursday, 13 April 2006 14:20 (sixteen years ago) link

hmmm, is that really clocko, doesnt seem like you're style, like the gradings though. I think it was just a * this morning.

sates, Thursday, 13 April 2006 14:24 (sixteen years ago) link

i didn't write it. i'd have been much more blunt than that. but i liked its humour, so i thought i'd share it with the workshy. my mate jose sent it to me.

clocko diko (honesttoafault), Thursday, 13 April 2006 14:28 (sixteen years ago) link

Fuck hangovers, just keep knocking back the cups of fight!

Teev, Thursday, 13 April 2006 14:29 (sixteen years ago) link

I don't suffer hangovers as I don't drink enough!

Captain Smash (Captain Smash), Thursday, 13 April 2006 14:29 (sixteen years ago) link


artechoke (What now?), Thursday, 13 April 2006 14:30 (sixteen years ago) link

its dicko with an eggo

artechoke (What now?), Thursday, 13 April 2006 14:30 (sixteen years ago) link


artechoke (What now?), Thursday, 13 April 2006 14:31 (sixteen years ago) link

How about 5*

You can actually hear your skins cells dying, and it's way too loud. You arse has been leaking rusty water at 20 minute intervals and is showing no signs of stopping. With each wipe there is less brown and more red. The vomit on the carpet, roundabout where you thought the toilet was the night before, has taken the colour right out of that carpet, and your mouth actually feels like that carpet. Right now you would rather be buggered by an entire Roman legion than continue feeling like you do. You swear never to drink again, or at least for a month, later that night your down the pub quoting the eternal words "hair of the dog".

Twisted Thinka, Thursday, 13 April 2006 14:44 (sixteen years ago) link

That should have read 6*

Twisted Thinka, Thursday, 13 April 2006 14:47 (sixteen years ago) link

twisted thinka nearly beats the captain for comedy post ratio!

dog latin (dog latin), Thursday, 13 April 2006 15:09 (sixteen years ago) link

today it's between 3 and 4 *.
definately painful, but dont feel like vomming.

sates, Friday, 14 April 2006 11:16 (sixteen years ago) link

four years pass...


les yeux sans aerosmith (underrated aerosmith albums I have loved), Saturday, 24 July 2010 19:04 (twelve years ago) link

haven't gotten one greater than *** in over a decade

sarahel, Saturday, 24 July 2010 19:11 (twelve years ago) link

yesterday's was a *** 1/2

ming mang mongrel (electricsound), Sunday, 25 July 2010 00:09 (twelve years ago) link

today's was a * - kinda groggy, felt like listening to nothing but chamber or choral music

sarahel, Sunday, 25 July 2010 00:11 (twelve years ago) link

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