no boys allowed in the room!!!!

Washing it properly!!!! Thankfully this is not an issue I’ve had to deal for 12 yrs but prior to that I def encountered dick that was not being washed properly.

ha it was partly a rhetorical question but yes, there are men who regularly embody "fuck washing a dick"

ugh this convo is making me feel gross

sorry ... sorry ... sorry!

fuck washing a dick

make your fuckwash known hahahaha sorrrrrrrrrrry

RE those Flex period discs I mentioned: I finally tried them this week (after 5 yrs with an iud my period has finally started waning) and I like them. I’d prefer a non disposable version since they’re expensive and a pain to dispose of. But getting one in is easier than I expected, although I find it hard to believe that it doesn’t get in the way during sex (haven’t tested that yet). The disc comes out nice and easy but def not suitable for people who aren’t comfortable using applicator-free tampons as it’s a little messy.

here's a question for y'all -- friends w/teenage daughters -- when they post pics of their kids on social media, do you notice that if the kid is female, most of the comments are like "how beautiful!" and praise her physical appearance, whereas if the kid is male, the comments are less about that? Does that make you feel icky? How would you respond?

Absolutely and I've noticed this at lots of ages. It really pushes my buttons but at the same time can appreciate kids look cute or it's a "nice" "positive" thing to say about a teen. If I'm moved to comment at all I'll generally try and say something less looks-focused... but it can be hard as a photo is basically demanding you pay attention to what's in the photo!

yeah ... it was a friend's daughter's 17th birthday, and I had talked to said friend the day before, and the daughter was struggling with an eating disorder ... so, I didn't comment about her looks at all. I recalled a memory of something my friend told me her daughter did that was super awesome.

I have a 13yo stepkid and I’m more bothered that she and her friends type those comments to each other tbh like

“omg bae”
“why are you so prettyyyy *crying emoji*”
“hottie”

On one hand, her generation is prob more aware than ever about issues surrounding body positivity and self-image, on the other, there’s just so much pressure on them to look or present themselves a certain way. She’s a fun kid with lots of cool interests and I know she’ll prob grow out of it but it still drives me nuts that that’s how they’re expected to interact with each other online.

I would not have survived growing up in the age of Instagram, that’s for sure.

reading the 40s thread -- it kinda seems like most of the people who feel like they get "worse" in their 40s are cis-men, whereas non cis-men feel better in their 40s comparatively? Or have I been reading too much empowering clickbait for middle aged women?

Hiiiiii! I don't want to be insensitive to ppl in that thread but my 40s have been good and my friends and colleagues are mostly all well? Also it took me until my late 30s to have a job that did more than barely pay the bills, and it was extremely pleasant to not be overdrawn or need to know how many individual dollars were in my account at all times. I'm unemployed again so I guess who knows what will happen but it was nice to feel that a good life was within reach.

I'm happy with myself in my 40s.

I'm happy with myself in my 40s.

I have definitely had to deal with a lot of heavy shit in my 40s, but I feel like I am more resilient and happier and have a stronger sense of self-worth and confidence that I can better deal with the heavy shit? Like the lyric in "First We Take Manhattan" -- "I've practiced every night, and now I'm ready ..."?

I have aged out of the 40s thread, so, uh, in what way?

Health, money, confidence, social, what?

I would venture to ask - are the 40s the point in heterosexual cismens’ lives where they realise they are not actually going to be the patriarchs in patriarchy? (Cause it seems like middle age is when cis white men start looking for someone to blame for that.)

While for non-cis-men, the 40s are where the hyperscrutiny drops off and the invisibility kicks in, which almost feels like a relief?

OK this is getting too cynical, even for me. I’m having a bad reaction to the covid vaccine I had yesterday so I’m feeling pretty flattened and less willing to entertain more positive possibilities than usual?

Lots of x-posts coz phone typing takes forever.

Sorry, maybe this isn’t a conversation for me today...

Another thing that has intensified in my 40s although it was well on track before is that I wish for the company of men less and less. I am honestly happiest surrounded by and in community with women.

xp So...maybe?

I'm 50, and I can see pretty much only a shit future with small points of success in front of me.

While for non-cis-men, the 40s are where the hyperscrutiny drops off and the invisibility kicks in, which almost feels like a relief?

I think this is definitely part of it -- or maybe, the hyperscrutiny bothers us less and we become more comfortable in our own bodies (or adapt our bodies to what will make us comfortable) and it's easier to block it out.

I think I'm having a "good day" (I have days that are very not good) ... or trying to psych myself up for taking on stressful stuff that I have been procrastinating work-wise.

xp For me, women were always alien creatures. (Until I realized that I wasn't really one.) Fortunately, I was always smart enough to not get into all of the "not like other girls" nonsense.

For most of my 20s and 30s, I underperformed in relation to my peers, economically & professionally. I guess I accepted early that I wouldn't "make it" or be financially secure or meet any of the goals of adulthood that my parents had & that I always expected to. It probably lowered my standards to the point where I was just happy for things to stop being actively bad. Anyway, I'm still a fuck-up but I mind it a little less.

Also I don't feel any longer than I'm being a "bad" at my chosen gender performance by not having those things. I can just let it ride a lot more.

Happy for your good days, s! Go out there and slay the stressful stuff. I also have to send a bunch of emails that I've been avoiding.

OK I peeked in the thread to see what this was about. Cancer and death, oh my.

I don't know. So much good stuff happened in my 40s, even though the start of my 40s was possibly one of the worst periods of my life, hitting rock bottom showed the way out? Like:

-autism diagnosis which completely rearranged my life into a shape that made SO MUCH more sense, and explained so much of what hadn't been working before
-an employer that was willing to make concessions in my working environment that enabled me to keep a job for the longest period of my life (6 years and counting!) and created some stability in financial and living-space and material conditions
-a good therapist who was able to use the complete collapse of my sexual life, to persuade me to open the "box of gender and sexuality stuff" which I had been sitting on for 20 years, for fear the demons would get out. (They are not demons punishing you, they are freeing your soul!)

So compared to the emotional instability and financial precarity of my 20s and 30s, holy hell were my 40s great.

I had far, far fewer friends at the end of my 40s than the start, but the friendships I do have are much healthier, and have much stronger boundaries and are more mutually supportive. It's not that I have more confidence - it's more that I give far fewer fucks to give, I'm old, I no longer give a shit if someone thinks I'm ~crazy lady gestures~ for clearly stating what I need!

Sometimes "having no fucks left to give" is way better than "confidence" anyway.

This last discussion is an absolute disgrace and I don’t know why sarahell chose right now, after some of the content being discussed in the 40s thread, to start this line of discussion. I hope you know how it looks fucking crass and insensitive and horrible.

Wow.

Just... wow.

Yes, consider me incredibly surprised that you don’t treat people the way you want to be treated on ilx either.

gyac: I am confident that all my posts and lines of discussion look crass, insensitive, and horrible to you. I wish you didn't feel that way about me. But y'know, you have a tendency to go off on anyone and everyone that doesn't measure up to your exacting standards of purity and justice, so I am sure I am in the company of like 99.9% of everyone.

Oh trust me on this, I’m very much not alone on this one & if this was any other thread you’d have people telling you so.

honestly by your logic, no one should be discussing anything else? Like how dare people talk about bands and football when one poster has had a really horrible recent couple of years??? You might think, this line of discussion might not be related to that one person's experience, but the posts of several other cis-men who also posted in that thread?

Keep digging.

I'm so sorry this is happening, Sarahell, I thought you brought up an interesting observation.

The levels of Himpathy involved, to get from "some non-cis-men have gone to another place, so as not to disturb clearly unhappy people by talking about not being unhappy any more" to "you are crass and horrible and have no empathy" is... frankly astonishing.

But given who it is, and their levels of projection, I'm not surprised.

Non-boys who find you are happier now than when you were younger?

I salute your happiness, and support you in it.

gyac: how do you think I should atone for what you clearly believe was a horrible thing to do? How can I make amends? I honestly did not intend to come across as insensitive to someone's serious suffering.

Himpathy, right. I’ll remember this exact comment the next time you’re demanding that nobody say a fucking word to you about your years of appalling behaviour. What a thing to say. But given who it is... likewise.

I kinda want to get into how appallingly sexist/misogynistic ilx was in prior years (mostly in terms of posters who engaged in this behavior being tolerated and encouraged) and how Branwell (definitely), and I (to a certain degree) had to deal with that, and you, gyac, are fortunate that there is way less of that for you to have to engage with.

But honestly, it's not worth going there. That's divisiveness. If this were FB I would delete or edit that post tbh.

Weird, I definitely recall arguing with men on here about appalling behaviour, which was why this thread felt like such a refuge from that shit. That it became somewhere for certain people to post bullshit unchallenged is tragic, but definitely not as tragic as your disingenuous attitude.

I'm sorry you don't believe me, but I am being honest. I've gotten a lot of shit over my 40+ years of life because I am honest and have had to learn when to keep my mouth shut and opinions to myself. Why you perceive a "disingenuous attitude" on my part, I really have no idea.

If there's no other option for me here than to just sit and be a repository for your anger and to hear you out while you tell me all the ways I suck and all the things I have posted that are bad and have hurt people -- then fine. Keep going.

Read your first post itt in this particular line of conversation, read the conversation in the forties thread, see how it comes across. That’s all I’m going to say to you. Not going to waste my breath explaining further.

It’s such a trip, like being back in Convent School, with Mother Superior coming in and demanding I apologise for how terribly I behaved to those poor boys who were bullying me, like, don’t you know one of those boys hurt his foot kicking your head in, you apologise right now, you sinner!

Like sure, OK, Mother Superior! I’m sorry my knuckles were in the way of your ruler, too!

🤣🤣🤣

I sincerely apologize to you and anyone else that felt that my post in this thread was in response to CP's post in the 40s thread, rather than the posts that followed from about a half dozen cis-men whose posts did not indicate the awful circumstances of CP's post. The other posts were what inspired my line of discussion here, because when there are FB threads about one's 40s that are mostly women/non-cis-men -- you end up with a long thread of "actually I felt way better about my self in my 40s than in my 30s" -- and a lot of "50 is the new 40!"

Yes, I share that general perception that I hear more from men that they feel they're in decline, and I hear from women that they're experiencing relief from a lot of burdens as they age. I'm sorry that posters were hurt by talking about it here and now.

I apologize for any offense I've given, too.

38 was when I realized I wasn't young anymore, and 47 was when I realized that my bad planning and tendency to throw away every opportunity I've ever had was catching up to me.

I don’t apologise - Mother Superior is genuinely detached from reality when it comes to misinterpreting the motives and intentions and behaviour of Sarahell and myself, for the worst possible outcome.

None of you did anything even remotely wrong and it actually bothers me that you feel you should have to apologise for liking your lives too loudly.

I saw your post, sarahell, and then the 40s thread, and I've got to say I was pretty shocked because it definitely looked to me like you were following on from CP's posts, and that was... really fucking shit. It did feel crass and dismissive of real problems, and it did upset me. Obviously I believe you when you say that you didn't intend it that way, but I'm not surprised that other people were also shocked by the conjunction of topics. I mean, I don't know that this post is helpful and I'm not asking for you to self-flagellate about it, but I just wanted to note that it wasn't only one person who felt that way.

Sarahell I believe you when you say it wasn’t your intention.

But I can’t look at this thread and what it has become without being really uncomfortable about the line of conversation here, like it’s ok to mock certain posters because they’re cis men, with the implication that their pain matters less. Again, it’s cowardly to use this thread and the post above is probably supposed to be cutting but it really just comes across as so much projection. Am I a bad person because of the things I say? Perhaps. But frankly I’m not going to feel bad about saying that the cruelty that has been on show itt for far far too long - and it’s not a great feeling being the only person speaking up against it because people don’t want to deal with fallout - is inappropriate and absolutely out of line and I shouldn’t be expected to tolerate that. Nor should anyone else. Oh btw sarah I don’t mean you when I say this, it’s Branwell, though enabling their behaviour isn’t doing anything good.

End post before I go full Fizzles.

I don’t apologise - Mother Superior is genuinely detached from reality when it comes to misinterpreting the motives and intentions and behaviour of Sarahell and myself, for the worst possible outcome.

None of you did anything even remotely wrong and it actually bothers me that you feel you should have to apologise for liking your lives too loudly.