no boys allowed in the room!!!!

avoid the shirt with BOOB GAP -- i totally had this problem when i wore men's dress shirts and ties, and my way around it was wearing vests

Neither shirt really has BOOB GAP; it's just the black one is specially designed with counter-boob-gap measures in the design (weird internal extra buttons.) Ties generally cover a lot of boob gap anyway.

I have mentioned this elsewhere before, but I will tell you how to fix boob-gap on button-ups: take your shirts to a tailor and have them sew it all the way up. Your shirt is now a pull-over, but you don't have boob-gap.

If you have a sewing machine you could do this yourself, too, duh

How in the hell do you get a not-stretchy broadcloth shirt on once it's sewn up?? I'd never get my arms in there!

Two sided fabric tape is my non permanent boob gap solution of choice

Indeed! Any shirt fitted enough to generate boob gap is never going to go over my head to get it on!

I am a fan of the M&S boob-gap-no-more shirt, I just wish it didn't flare out 2 inches above my hips, so I could tuck it in.

I love having female friends!!! It's an essential part of living well! I have some wonderful friends but none live in town. In the three years I have lived here, I have made two good friends. One acts like she can't ever leave her house to hang out because she has a toddler, but it's actually because she drinks +/- a fifth of booze a day and doesn't want a DUI. And if I go over, I'm on child-chasing duties. Plus I always do really impulsive, dumb stuff around her. We turn into the nest to last scene of Boogie Nights every time her kid is not around. So she's fun to hang out with but strictly a "once in a while" person.

The other has put me on freeze out. Or if she hasn't, it sure seems like it. It makes me so mad. No one gets to freeze me out! It started last summer when she'd flaked on all our hangouts, but she called me up one weekend after I decided, 'I give up, having her as a friend and always cancelling on everything is too much of an emotional rollercoaster.' I had thought I was on freeze out even back THEN. She said, "I need you to do me a favor. My friends are making a film for a class and one of their extras ditched without warning. So I was hoping you could do me a favor and play the role of a friend." "You want me to 'play the role of a friend'?" I repeated, because it was too fucked up and meta!

No matter how far in advance I make arrangements, she flakes out. But I'm always there when she needs a favor! But never on all the fun checkins on facebook, never invited along to those. So, fuck it! It's over!

I am seriously going through some five stages of grief about this. I am in ANGER right now. ANGER. I am also very calculatingly cultivating new friends. Ha!

I have a one-hour POWER HANGOUT scheduled tonight with a DIFFERENT female friend and we are planning Halloween costumes together. OH YEAH. I AM SO GOING TO GIVE HER A MANICURE TONIGHT.

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

I love your anger about this, that might not be my response in that situation, and yours is way healthier.

It sucks to feel like the back-up friend for someone. It sucks to feel like you are the one making all the effort and all the overtures. It sucks to feel like someone is freezing you out or just moving away from you emotionally. It's like that thing where, if you stop making the effort, does the other person move towards you and pick up the slack? If they do, congratulations, you are friends. If not... ???

I dunno. I feel like someone could really make a site which is like OKCupid, but for "finding your new BFF" and matches female friends with appropriate levels of time and commitment and childcare needs, to find someone who can be the friend that each other needs.

(I am probably the worst friend in the world, because I do cancel plans (not all the time though!) but usually when I do cancel plans, it's because it is genuinely a situation I cannot handle at that point, and I think it would be worse for the other person to have to deal with someone who was a neurotic mess, than cancel and me just spend the day in bed with pillow over head.)

I hope your power hangout manicure goes well!

i have so many things to say about this that i don't know where to begin, but typing is an insufficient substitute for irl hangouts with close female friends
it's a huge monster bummer

here's to your power hour, crabbits

God yes. I feel like I'm less of a person, more numb, because I'm so far away from my best female friends. I have one very good female friend here now who is a fellow student and she's wonderful, but having history with someone, knowing they know your history and you know theirs, means a lot to me.

Yeah none of my closest female friends live close and it makes me very sad. I made a new one this year who is awesome but I don't get to see her that often. Also, I think my best friend is trying to phase me out and it's been seriously upsetting me for months. *sigh* Hope the power hour is awesome, Abbs.

Crabbits I feel you so much on this. and I hope you manicure the shit out of yr diff female friend's nails!!!

I had a great crew of female friends back in Oz...like 2 or 3 diff circles of friends I could hang with. Moving here, after 10 years I acquired a total of 3, 1 of which is still actually a friend and the other 2 have gone by the wayside. One is a gigantic flake and doesn't even reply to emails anymore so technically not a friend since we haven't actually hung out in like a year. The other one started giving me weird vibes like I had a feeling she was kinda manic and maybe needed medication and then she tried to kill herself and went into rehab for alcohol and has become super KEEP IT POSTIVE, and I just had to quietly bow out of all the drama. The one friend I retained is also a flake but I've gotten to a point with her that I don't plan things too far in advance with her. Like I text her on Friday to have brunch on Sunday am. Or text her and say hey what are you doing do want to meet for coffee this afternoon. that works better. But she's gone back to school part time and doesnt' work and now pretty much all she talks about is omg I have to study for this exam and I have assignments to do and I'm mentally yelling YOU HAVE ONE CLASS FFS

so yeah my female friends sitch is not entirely awesome.

My problem is also compounded by my own feelings of inadequacy ie these ppl prob won't want to hang out anyway so I shouldn't be needy and bugging them about catching up all the time. Like I have never been able to shake the feeling that these people who I *know* actually like me, maybe secretly hate me. I have lots of acquaintances at work who are cool but I couldn't ever bring myself to ask them to hang out why bcz rejection hi I am a 13 yo girl

I feel for everybody, I wish you all had sister circles right nearby and within reach when you needed their support/to reinforce the conviction that we're doing this thing together.

It's that "shared history" thing which accumulates so slowly you don't really notice it happening, but when it is missing, is impossible to really replicate.

I have tried to retype this post three different times now, but can't say it without sounding like a brat. I want my friends to stop moving away, because I'm really sick of having to start this process from scratch again. I suppose this is payback for me spending the first half of my life... moving away.

my best female friend lives pretty much as far away from me as it's possible to without falling off this island :(
Incidentally, BFF's other BFF is soon to be my sis-in-law (we get on very well, so that's cool). Most of my other friends are couples where I like them both. I feel old and boring and tired all the time so don't really make the effort with anyone else.

I want my friends to stop moving away, because I'm really sick of having to start this process from scratch again.

This is not bratty! This is recognizing what you need for your well-being, and that is "community." Even if it's a community of only two or three.

“When you wake up and find yourself living someplace where there is nobody you love and trust, no community, it is time to leave town – to pack up and go (you can even go tonight). And where you need to go is any place where there are arms that can hold you, that will not let you go.”
― Bell Hooks, Sisters of the Yam: Black Women and Self-Recovery

That assumes that there is somewhere that you can go *to* to expect those things.

Yeah, that's true.

it's not community that i miss at all really -- it's having someone to tell secrets to, who knows my other secrets and gets why they're secret
personal life stuff that accumulates
starting that from scratch so many times already, i think i've run low on energy to keep doing it
but my old friends are far away and this just kinda seems like that time in life when people move toward family instead of friends and that sucks when you are a friend, not a family

fortunately, i'm finding it easier to be casual friends than i ever did before
that's good

it's not community that i miss at all really -- it's having someone to tell secrets to, who knows my other secrets and gets why they're secret
personal life stuff that accumulates

Imo this is what community is, it's just, like I said, a community of two. Building trust over time, pooling your (emotional) resources. But whatever anyone calls it, I'm happy for everyone who can get it for themselves.

vocabulary differences! also, agree.

I feel like I have so much of whatever that is in my life, I wish I could share it around to everyone regardless of geographic ineligibility.

Yes, part of it is sharing secrets, and knowing why they're secrets. But other parts of it is remembering dumb stuff that no one else would bother to remember, but you remember it because it's some part of your shared memories. I had one of my closest friends come back to visit London on a flying visit, and we were gutted that the restaurant we always went to had closed down - I didn't even know because I never go to that restaurant with anyone except her - and I got the same drink I used to get at the old place, and when it came she made a comment about how it wasn't the same when it wasn't served in the same distinctive glass, and we both laughed because she always used to tease me that I got it specifically because of the glass, and not coz I liked the drink. And it's that thing, where she doesn't just remember my favourite drink, but remembers the specific goofy glass that I like to drink it out of. No one else in the world would care about a dumb detail like that, but the fact that it's a dumb detail that we share makes it really special to me, that she remembers.

But I suppose stuff like that is just symbolic of the other things you remember about one another. That both of us remember every single person the other person has been in love with during the past 7 years, complete with obnoxious nicknames for the ones we didn't like, and cute nicknames for the ones we did. And I remember her particular ongoing family drama, and she remembers my endless problems with mine. Like, the other week, I had to explain to a ~new person~ about why I am estranged from my brother, and I just didn't want to explain in any detail ever again, but with my old, old friends, all I have to do is mention "OMG, my brother" and there is this decade-long history where they roll their eyes and go "OMG what has he done now" and it's the stuff you don't *have* to explain or justify, they just already know. That is the stuff that is so important. And if that's symbolised by a goofy glass, it's not the goofy glass, it's not having to explain why you like it because they just know.

I keep thinking I am going to make a more profound post than I end up making. And then I don't. I don't think I have profound in me right now.

No, I think that is the profound post you thought you were going to make. :)

I haven't seen my best friend since 2000. But I bought us matching sneakers the other day!

My closest female friend in this city (whom I have known since I was 18! We went to university together and she moved here like 8 years ago) is moving back out west in June and I am in serious denial. We've lived within 4 blocks of each other this whole time. I'm hoping she finds it boring and moves back after 6-12 months.

I am going to put in actual effort to make friends with new-baby moms (but only the cool ones ;) ). Babies are good icebreakers, I figure.

not to change the topic but this made me lol
TTB
http://www.avclub.com/article/coughing-radiant-and-disposible-return-consumptive-202880

I've been in the US five years and have made approximately two friends, like actual good friends. But I don't feel totally comfortable with either of them.

I can't even get on Skype half the time with any of my BFs bc the time zones are all fucked.

I do get to spend three days with two of my oldest friends in July -it's been ten years since that last happened.

It sucks to feel like you are the one making all the effort and all the overtures. It sucks to feel like someone is freezing you out or just moving away from you emotionally.

I have been construed as this type of friend in the past, but only by people who refuse to understand depression or treat it as a real thing. I've also had friends who complained that I wasn't more available to them while I was literally operating a 24 hour suicide line for 48 hours overnight, and there is some overlap there. Lol. That said, there are people who distance themselves for a while out of chronic illness, legitimate despair and an inability to discuss it, or a combo of factors beyond their control, but will be there for you when needed, and then there are just jerks who don't care about you. Sometimes it takes years to figure out who's who.

I decided a couple of years ago to cease trying with my best friend, and he eventually started sort of reaching out and feeling obviously guilty, but it took way too long, and I know the reason is that he just forgets I exist. A person that I have to beg repeatedly to be my friend can't really be my friend.

I dunno. I feel like someone could really make a site which is like OKCupid, but for "finding your new BFF" and matches female friends with appropriate levels of time and commitment and childcare needs, to find someone who can be the friend that each other needs.

feel like this is a legitimately brilliant idea here. would use!!!

i've come to the conclusion today (after talking with my mom and bff on the phone) that i should be happy that my female friends take the time to be my friend at all
i have one super close one, many who are formerly-close but currently occupied
i wish more people were willing to talk on the phone tbh
so tired of typing

A person that I have to beg repeatedly to be my friend can't really be my friend.
ugh so otm

i am really bad at phone conversations and wish i could express myself better via phone. i don't know what it is, but i feel uncomfortable on the phone

they're difficult! you can't see facial expressions or body language, you can't determine turn-taking as easily, etc. i have one particularly hellish memory of a phone conversation that i had in spanish that was the last time i talked with someone and i did not express myself clearly and left things very poorly.

still talking on the phone is something i have always enjoyed because it's usually the best i can get!

i will take letters/email over phone calls tbh. i feel like, for me, phone calls are a dim version of what the person is really like, or something. i cant feel like i'm really talking to them or that theyre really talking to me

man tbh i will take whatever i can get if someone i like talking with wants to correspond with me

hey btw roxy have you watched mask yet?! (not the mask, just mask)

i just actual loled! i forgot about mask!!

you gotta watch it!
cher looks so pretty
http://www.cyfraplus.pl/ms_galeria/fotobase/2395_c.jpg

sexy motorcycle!
http://htarts.s3.amazonaws.com/files/2013/04/mask-1985-01-g-630x473.jpg

awesome group shot, just imagine dylan carlson in there
http://api.ning.com/files/Jx8KmtZz6Stx-3DtvAGCuiHBampEt8e2lRAH7Q8EWbAybEU1sSAa*kTzHIhDHwQJSTZE0QH2P5-E7DYnBqDOurAd4UzqU4Mu/l9.jpg

When I was younger (like teens, 20s) I used to spend literally hours and hours on the phone, talking to my girlfriends. I don't even know what happened to that ability. Like, seriously, I think I have had one phone call with a friend in the past... 5 years or something. (It was about a month ago, I was very seriously at the end of my tether, and reached out to a friend who had moved, saying "can you just talk about dumb shit for 15 minutes because I think I'm losing it" and we talked about trivial annoyances.) Partly it's mobiles, like I actually find it physically uncomfortable to spend more than 10 minutes on a mobile before my ear gets really hot. Partly it's just fear and social anxiety and come on, who the hell wants to talk to me anyway, I'm a miserable depressing old bastard who just wants to talk about pop stars and council tax and boring philosophers no one reads.

I dunno, I feel like the one who gets phased out, because being around people who are severely depressed is no fun. Being around people with anxiety issues is difficult and tedious if you're not used to it, and very easy to write off as "drama" if you don't understand what's going on. And also probably a healthy dose of "BB is so boring now she's stopped drinking, isn't in a band any more, isn't cool any more, doesn't go clubbing any more" or whatever. The not-getting-drunk this is difficult. It kind of amazes me, the insane, crazy, fucked-up shit I would get up to when I was still drinking, and people would still somehow hang around with me. But now I don't get drunk, I'm just difficult and awkward, and just boring and sober and difficult and awkward is way, way less fun than drunk and dramatic, so... the end.

Sometimes I feel like... my life fell quite seriously apart about 5 or 6 years ago. I have spent the past 2 years trying to stick it back together again. But at the end of being that chaotic for that long, it's really hard both to find normalcy, and also to convince others that you're worth taking a chance on. Maybe I don't feel like I'm worth taking a chance on. Maybe I don't know how to trust anyone I haven't known long enough to have lived through the chaotic times with me and still have stuck around.

I am lucky to have at least 3 people who I have known for so long and so well that nothing I ever do is ever going to phase them ever again. But none of them live in this country. And I can't live in the country where they all live. This peripatetic existence we all live is shitty and not conducive to real relationships.

Man, I am a real "up" person today, am I not? Part of this is just PMT and part of it is still being fucked up in the head over the job thing yesterday. But part of this is just... waaaaahhh. I am lonely. I miss having a close girlfriend close enough by to go out for a coffee and a chat. I guess I feel less alone for knowing that I'm not the only one feeling this way.

(Oh, sorry, conversation moved on while I was typing that. Didn't mean to be so much a downer.)

i'm just posting pictures of cher! it's ok! you're def not alone.

can def ID with your first paragraph. i used to spend sooo much time on the phone as a teen, but i didnt feel like i had to perform on the phone back then. long silences were ok

Maybe I should post pictures. But I'd just post pictures of Brandon Curtis and Daniel Kessler and no one wants that. Ha!

I think that the long-times-on-the-phone thing were mostly about not ever having your own space while being a teen. Now I have a whole damn flat of mine own, I guess being on the phone to get space isn't so important? I dunno.