no boys allowed in the room!!!!

health issues/work stress/fitting health appts around said work stress. Yes yes yes. I totally empathise with this, having just been thru it (see above). As it happens I still havent made the gyno specialist appointment :( havent had time...

and I'm scared of rushing into having nothing but the thoughts in my head.

I know that feeling! And the knowledge that your thoughts and your head are things you are stuck with for the rest of your life. Other people (esp. boyfriends/lovers/spouses) come and go, but you are pretty much stuck with yourself.

and I realized that I had two options if I didn't want an interminably miserable life:

1. I am actually a good person and will work on making myself like me and making me someone I would like
2. suicide

Trayce I'm not sure if I posted during your health issues but they sounded v. stressful indeed! hope things are going better, also go and see the gyno (and I should do something similar myself)

thanks sarahell, I guess 1 is a good way to look at it instead of my brain shutting down at "I need to be someone else completely right now, but I can't, so ???" rather than concentrating on the "working on" part.

Although I am really resistant to the "working on" thing, it turns out. There are things I know I would like myself more if I could do, and keep doing, but I can't ever seem to make myself do them. The charitable reading is that it's just comforting being the same old mess I've always been rather than heading into the unknown. There are less charitable ones, of course...

i definitely went through a long phase of fearing that "the loneliness of not having a man will permeate every moment of my being" -- and as the years of being single have gone by (I am at year 4 now), that loneliness has occupied less and less of my time. it has gotten occasionally annoying when a well-meaning friend will ask me if I'm seeing anyone or interested in anyone, and my response is, "Actually, no. And I'm pretty content. Almost happy, even!"

it was in May/June but on the other hand he is still living here which may be denting the getting-over-it process a little

Oh sweetie! This may be super nerdy and corny, but maybe in orbit would appreciate this, but this situation reminds me of poor widow Hornwood in Game of Thrones, who ended up married to this sociopath, who married her for her title and lands, and then locked her in a tower and starved her, so she ended up eating her fingers before she eventually died. In other words, this sounds like a really unhealthy situation, and while you presumably have food and freedom of movement, it is starving you of self-esteem and the power to move on.

I've been single forever, so I am used to it. But I am very rarely lonely. I have loose plans to Grey Gardens it up with my sisters in 20 yrs.

Having a 'partner' does not necessarily combat loneliness.

No kidding!! I was born lonely.

otm

Thats more what I was getting at Mand! I dont even want a partner necesarily. I would like some male companionship that didnt get drunk and shout unhinged stupid shit at me every other weekend, tho.

I'm reading Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, and it's disconcerting how many of my boyfriends have had at least some of these traits (and I'm only on page 84). I'm going for no companionship instead of unhinged and shouty.

I hear that.

Also that book sounds like an interesting read.

Having a 'partner' does not necessarily combat loneliness.

Oh sure, I very much realise that.

It's not even really about lonely or not lonely. It's just that having someone else in the flat mostly keeps me out of that bad headspace where it feels like I go to work and I come home and someone presses fast-forward and I buy food and cook and eat and wash up and sleep and go to work again and there is no space for anything in between, and every negative thought and every unidentified external noise or even smell gets amplified into an insane feedback loop. (If this sounds mad it's probably because, well, it is, but it's what I get.)

But I don't let people into my life easily, I don't get comfortable around people easily, so "get a new flatmate" is not a very comforting answer either. Though I like living here but I'm not 100% sure I could afford it alone.

Oh, spacecadet, I wish I could be your Fairy God-gender-neutral-Parent (but not too genderqueer to get kicked off the gurl thread) and tell you things will be Better on the other side of I-Don't-Give-A-Fuck, but there is no "Better" really, over here, there is only "Different".

But the one thing I can say with 100% confidence and accuracy, is that living in the ruins of a recently (yes, that is recently) collapsed relationship is horrible, head-twisty poisonous place to be, and you *do* have something to look forward to, in that living by yourself (which I do now) or living with/as a lodger in a stated "we don't socialise" situation (as I did before I lived here, and yes, you can view it as a purely business arrangement, that is a thing) is so much better than wandering around the ruins of What Didn't Work. You do have something to look forward to, and it's not being in that situation any more. Living alone, inside a head that tells you bad things about yourself in that feedback loop I know ~so well~ is still way, way better than living with a constant daily reminder of your romantic failures.

I mean, there are so! many! things! I could say about ageing and dating and singleness and attractiveness and how fucking unfair and gender-slanted these things are in a really unjust way - I never thought as myself as "pretty", I was always too... I dunno, aggressive and manly? But I was certainly *something* that men responded to a certain way when I was younger; and I couldn't wait to get older, so that people would Start Taking Me Seriously! Except, as I got older, and that sexyness, (which wasn't really prettiness, but was certainly youth) faded, I didn't find that people started Taking Me Seriously! they just started not taking me at all. Which was a whole new level of frustrating - but talking about all those things that would make me RAAAAAAGE and I'm not really feeling very ~into~ rage at the moment.

Spacecadet, you've probably worked out who I am by now (and if you have, please don't shout and wave it about; I remain touchy about that kinda shit) but for real - if you're feeling holiday blues, or post-holiday blues in January, come to London for the weekend to be irresponsible and bunk all the stress. We can go to the Science Museum and be 2 fat, middle-aged IT nerds geeking it up over the Babbage Machines. It'll be ossum.

Wise, wise words re living with an ex.

Hi Branwell! Thanks for your post, it was much appreciated. Hope you're doing OK. Babbaging does sound pretty ossum although I'm somewhat in recluse mode and have no idea how much time family are going to take up over Christmas.

I would like to feel less ~into~ rage, or maybe I am already not into it and it just happens anyway.

Why can't we all just be people and be into what we're into and look like whatever we look like? I know, I know, silly me.

(thoughts of Radical Faerie Godparents here)

Well I mean you CAN be into what you're into and look however you look. You just won't be equally valued by everyone, esp on the second count, esp if you're female-presenting. The thing that is unknowable and also worries me kinda is, it's easy to say, Any guy (in my case) who doesn't like me however I look without huge efforts is better off ruled out so I can focus my energy on other things...but what if that's every guy that I like? Blah.

It's kind of like free speech? You can say what you want, but it's not free of consequences.

What to do when you're not ~into~ "raaaaage" is a really good question and that's one that a year of therapy still hasn't ironed out. But I know that it's one that has to be dealt with because, firstly and less importantly, "OMG, you're so ~angry~ and ~bitter~" is always used to de-legitimise women, even in response to legitimately angry-making things. But more importantly, raaaage turns inwards and gets re-directed at yourself in those "negative thought goes round and round" patterns and leads to anxiety and depression and all those shitty places.

What is rage *for*? In limited doses, it's good for writing and doing blog posts and it's really good for drawing comics, as I've been discovering. But when it goes beyond that, and just starts eating you up, man, I don't wanna do that any more. Feel the rage and put it aside, and then go and talk to women and ask "what do we do with this rage?"

The thing is, it takes courage to just be what you're into, and look like what you look like, when you've got the whole world telling you that you should be a different way. And it really doesn't help when you get schlubby dudes going (sorry, I saw this happen in another thread recently) "oh god I'd never date IT girls because they don't have the ~confidence~ to dress all feminine, like, the way I think they should to appeal to my all-important schlubby dude libido!" To which the reply is "FUCK YOU *boot to the head* actually it takes more confidence than you will ever know to express my gender in the way I feel comfortable expressing it, and not bow down to whatever stupid shit you think I should do to my appearance to make it conform to whatever version of 'femininity' makes *you* comfortable or horny!" (except generally *boot to the head* is rather frowned upon in our society, so just think it, or act it out with your finger flicks rather than actually sinking your doc martens in their cranium, because who needs the legal hassle, y'know?)

What the fuck is "value" anyway? And I'm just bored with the idea that the only "value" women can have is fuckability (sorry, not picking on you, in orbit, you know I think you're the bees knees) and I think that might be Urgent & Key to clawing back our dignity or self-worth or whatever as we have the audacity to age and because less fuckable to schlubby dudes of the internet. Your value is wisdom, your value is experience, your value is knowledge - all those things women are no longer allowed to exemplify because we're not allowed to ~embrace the crone nature~ any more. (Wow, that sounded cheesy, but that "sudden onset cronery" link that was posted the other day - that was truly awesome and inspiring.)

Blah blah blah, sorry, I just really missed this thread. *goes back to lurk mode*

Oh yeah, and Babbaging offer is open for any time, redeemable in the New Year or whenever. I just want you to know I'd totally hang out with you, and the offer is there.

Oh BTW ladies: I am aware that it is almost criminally insane for me to start a thread about gender on ILX, but I would appreciate some female viewpoints on my Do U Has A Gender poll:

Core or Innate Gender Identity: Do You Have One?

I completely understand not wanting to discuss it there (in fact, I'm probably going to bow out of any discussion because good lord, I cannot do clusterfucks any more) but I would really appreciate the data. Thanks in advance!

That thread is going well so far. It will only take one asshole to run it off the rails, but I think you can take comfort in the fact that most posters seem willing to discuss the topic in good faith. So far.

there is this very nice dude at work who is totally giving me the weirds. he is nice and a good person and i like him as a human being, and as a colleague/teacher, but he gives me that look of preciousness that i hate more than a lot of other more obviously offensive things. like i mentioned something about my drums and he was like "you play the drums in your basement?" and i was like yeah and he looked at me like i was a circus animal that did a cute thing. i know the easy thing to do is to avoid/freeze but now i just feel like i can't be myself and have fun at the work holiday party because i have to be alert and careful. DISLIKE.

i don't even know what to call this look but it makes my skin crawl.

Is that like the "I am a man and I approve this human" look?

Or maybe it should be, more specifically, "...this small female human".

Some doctor last week told me the doctor I work for is lucky because I'm so pretty. He is old and of another time etc. but oh it was so gross. Sucks too because he's super funny and nice but now I'm like - really, dude?

yuk

it's more that i feel like we can't have a conversation without him observing me like an animal. i hate it.

i mean it's not paralyzing or infuriating or anything, i just don't feel like i can be myself and that sucks imo.

it's also not how my friends treat me, so if he wants to be my friend, he will stop doing this.

Argh, that does sound really, really annoying, if someone has a special-little-look that makes you feel non-human! But I am actually kinda having trouble imagining what this look *looks* like, like the facial contortions involved, or if it's some kinda variant on :3

But no, for real, I wouldn't know how to deal with that kinda thing, because if someone says something gross to you, you can just kinda parrot it back to them in a way that highlights the grossness, but what do you do with a *look*? give them back a *look* that is a weird grotesque parody of that look?

Still, ugh.

It's a satisfied smirk, I guess? Like whatever I said did not warrant a smirk and yet he smirks, like that.

OK, now I'm picturing, like, a totally smug and smarmy smirk and it's annoying me by proxy!

if he does it at the holiday party, i'm just going to ask why he's smiling like that. if it happens and he has an answer, i'll let you know,

Better yet, take a photo and if he asks why say "your expression is so weird and bothersome that my friend on the interweb wants to see it, too." ;-)

Haha yes please do that!

I will give you $5.

this is making me dread the party even more! i hope it doesn't happen again tbh.

can we have a moratorium on any man ever saying to a woman "come on, you're smart enough to know [x obvious thing]"

Come now, roxy. Surely you're smart enuff t--OW

Yuk! I hate that look (I know what you are talking about, preciousness ...otm) and any male who has it, makes me want to punch him in the face. GRRRRRRRR

Once a guy, who looked at me that way, supplemented it with the following ridiculous and offensive comment;" I want a beautiful and innocent, sweet girl who is non-judgemental when it comes to drugs but doesn't do them herself". WTF?! He was always talking about some sweet and innocent type who was non-judgemental. Made me revolt, made me want to revolt and puke. It did change how I acted around him, I am not a sweet and innocent type but I'd highlight it every chance I had. Yeah, that one is still single and seeking.

Speaking of office christmas parties... (LL how did it go or has it not happened yet?)

How do you gurls deal with all the stresses and annoyances of the ~holiday season~? (using that terminology to avoid committing to or excluding any winter festivals, but feel free to discuss whatever holiday you celebrate - or don't.) Like, I'm not asking do you love/hate it coz everyone has their take and being all "yuck, I'm a grinch" is as valid a reaction as "it is the bestest! time! ever!" but more how do you functionally avoid the annoyances and enjoy what aspects you can?

Obv this will have a different answer depending on whether your tradition is "spend it with your family" vs "spend it with partner's family" vs "have no family; do my best to avoid the whole thing"

I've spent the past several years always going down to Cornwall for Winter Solstice, which had turned into a wonderful tradition and way to avoid both Christmas and the no-family thing. This is the first holiday in ages I've spent in London, to the point where it feels odd and disjointed not to have my ~traditional traditions~ without even realising that those things had snuck into my mind as traditions!

Curious as to your takes, experiences, tips!

How do you gurls deal with all the stresses and annoyances of the ~holiday season~?

Booze mostly.

This year I had a baby, which was a pretty good excuse to avoid holiday travel and to excuse us from perfunctory family gift giving but that was really a one time solution.

So, booze.

I just do the stuff I want to do, and try not to do the stuff I don't. Our families are very chill and we split time between then so less chance of arguments.
Also we do a 'pre-Christmas Christmas' with a very select few at our house - just did it yesterday and made ALL the delicious food and chilled out without any travel/present/family stress so at least you can bank on having *one* good christmassy day out of it all.

Booze, haha, yeah, I suspect that's a big one. But I have really seriously moved into a place of "you are not allowed to use booze as a way of dealing with social pressures EVER. AGAIN" (rather than a "never drink, ever again" approach to dealing with my problem drinking) which is why I've been nursing half pints at parties for this entire season.

"All the delicious food at your house!" is a brilliant idea!

I might do a post-Christmas "all the delicious food" to try and reconnect with people I've lost touch with; I used to always do a big Burns Night thing because it's late enough that people have stopped having too many social commitments to find time for another Xmas-based one, and late January is so relentless that it's a good time for another feast.

(LL how did it go or has it not happened yet?)

It happened on Friday, and it was mostly ok, but some things did occur. Good parts first 1) I successfully avoided him most of the time (but he snuck up behind me twice) 2) I had unselfconscious fun, danced with 3 different coworkers (there is a strong dancing culture at my school to put it mildly) and none of them were him.

Now for the unfortunate part -- he lives like 3 blocks from me, so he asked me for a ride home. I was going to try to sneak out without him seeing me, but I couldn't. On the ride home, I couldn't see his face, so I don't know if he was smirking, but he was asking me 1000 questions* and was being (i don't even know which adjective i want here) about my drumming. You may think I'm being harsh, but it was stuff like telling a deeply unfunny "drummers are dumb" joke and yet being ignorant that there are many different styles of drumming. He was like "I'm not a musician, I don't know about drumming" and I was like you have ears, right? That's when I got mad and snapped at him. I am a noob drummer, but I am not an idiot. So we pulled up, he got out, and I sped away, did not look back to check to make sure he got in. THEN he sent me a fucking email on Sunday about one of the songs I mentioned. I am ignoring the shit out of that email.

At worst, I feel like I'm under surveillance, which I absolutely LOATHE. At best, this is annoying and will go away. Unfortunately, still gotta work together. Know what it is? He is acting like this is a rom com and there is absolutely NO ROM AND NO COM. And I quadruple hate romcoms.

* I like it when people show interest in something I'm doing if they don't treat it like a trick that a circus poodle is doing, ie if they take me seriously.

sorry for the babble

as for holidays, i have several coping devices:

* a trip somewhere that i really want to go
* hibernation
* a project that is completely unrelated to holidays
* politely declining all invitations that i don't actively want to accept

I'm not going to be all "read stuff into this behaviour" but it actually sounds like this guy has one hell of an "INAPPROPRIATE PROFESSIONAL ATTACHMENT" crush on you. Ugh ugh ugh. On both sides.

I love the holidays but then I love my family and we have a nice memory-containing homestead to go back to. It's not perfect, but it's a lot. Plus even the parts of the hols that I'm in NY for, everyone is having parties and feels social, so it's easy to get together w ppl which is what I really like to do.