no boys allowed in the room!!!!

Just bumping for something utterly trivial: after years of searching, I think NYX’s #thisiseverything lip balm might be the best one I’ve ever used? Lips stay soft and smooth long after it’s worn off as well. This sounds like an ad but honestly, if something works it works.

That’s good to know! My homemade lip balm was ok but actually not that great in usage aside from the satisfaction of having made it.

I’m here to complain about pms again. Has anyone ever used any successful treatment for PMDD? I’m SO TIRED of losing my shit for 12/52 weeks of every year.

have you talked to a dr about meds? My PMS got better with Celexa and the Mirena IUD.

I recently worked with several women that were perimenopausal. They were all cutting out sugar, caffeine, carbs to help, although it's likely they were taking some meds too. About half of my periods are super bad but only for a day or two, not wanting to leave the house, being non verbal, nausea, bad lower back pain. I probably should cut out the coffee and sugar again. I remember when I did that once for several years my pms and periods were so easy but I was also younger. I haven't taken any medication (besides for asthma) or bc probably since my early 20s. I almost got mirena but then i think I got spooked that it was supposedly more painful for women who hadn't given birth.

yeah i have been through the IUD considerations and came out on the "no" end so that is not an option.

the main symptoms i am hoping to avoid are emotional; i exercise regularly and have a wholesome diet, have been sleeping better and generally am ok but for 1/4 of every month i turn into a different person, a very depressed and short-tempered one, and one that feels unmoored. i remember reading about dysphoria when i was a teen and really relating.then i went on hbc for like 20 years and it must have helped. then i stopped taking it. i guess i should talk to my doc. sigh. it looks like meds are the only actual treatment. i don't think cutting xyz out of my diet is going to solve this problem.

i wish there were some magical glasses i could wear that would help me cut through the fog and help me see clearly during these times. magic glasses that can see inside my head and also outside my head. and then when people see the glasses, they would automatically treat me just a little bit more kindly because they know i am a little blind at the moment and having trouble seeing clearly.

Do you track your periods? It doesn’t treat any symptoms but it sometimes helps knowing my feelings and reactions on the days before are probably linked to it.

yeah i have been tracking. tbh it doesn't change anything -- there is a series of steps that repeat. some months are worse than others but the process and anticipation are the same.

I don’t know much about it or how scientifically legit it is, but I’ve come across PMS stuff that involves evening primrose oil, pumpkin and sunflower seeds, other ways of supposedly managing hormones “naturally”.

Tbh you’re doing everything else right, so meds are probably your last option. Celexa has been v low impact for me in terms of side effects.

Good to know! Thank you -- I think nuts and berries and ointments and elixirs and seeds and oils are very good for me psychologically because using/eating/making them helps me feel like I am doing something to at least be aware that I need something; it doesn't make anything better inside my head where the real stench is coming from is unfortch

i wish there were some magical glasses i could wear that would help me cut through the fog and help me see clearly during these times. magic glasses that can see inside my head and also outside my head.

it took me about 13 years from when I realized I suffered from "mental health problems" to actually going on medication for said problems, so I can relate, even though it's a different context. ... I think what I take for anxiety is also prescribed for bad PMS/menstrual stuff

i wish there were some magical glasses i could wear that would help me cut through the fog and help me see clearly during these times. magic glasses that can see inside my head and also outside my head. and then when people see the glasses, they would automatically treat me just a little bit more kindly because they know i am a little blind at the moment and having trouble seeing clearly.

― weird woman in a bar (La Lechera), Tuesday, September 24, 2019 2:06 PM

Oh man, I would fully support these Dysphoria Glasses and ask when they will be available on the NHS. This would be such a good idea, both ways round.

Not just for PMT, but also for Really Bad Autism Days. Like, most days, I can mask pretty effectively and function and get on with life. But if I haven't slept, or I'm slightly ill, my executive function goes out the window and takes everything with it. I've got pretty good at reframing 'everything has gone to absolute fujcking shit and I'm shouting at birds' as 'is this a RBAD?' and getting out before the meltdown. But I could really do with some sign to those around me, that this is what is happening. Like, I use a cane on the days that my back is really bothering me, to signal 'yes, I do need you to offer me a seat'.

Also, it would be helpful, leaning to interact with other people. Being autistic, reading other people's moods and motivations is the hardest thing! If someone would be wearing the Dysphoria Glasses, it would be a sign to people like me, who struggle to *read* what is going on, "oh, this person is In A Bad Place, give them some space" - to understand *that* is what is going on, not "this person is unpredictable, dangerous, possibly abusive".

Not that I'm even remotely suggesting you're anywhere near the latter, LL!

But so much of therapy (for me) was learning to see red flags and warning signs and learning how to protect myself. Problem is, my warning-sign-detectors are now probably set a little too high. Dysphoria Glasses would be a lot easier to distinguish from red flag suits!

This has got to be the ultimate first-world problem. But how am I both perimenopausal (probably) AND treating and being treated by a (supposedly) adult man like we're both inexperienced teenagers? I've seen that man Nick at the fitness center the last two times I went, but he wouldn't come close enough to say anything. I was going to try to invite him to a film screening this weekend, but....

If you're reading this, please tell me you laughed. I'm tired of framing this whole situation in the language of an overemotional adolescent.

I did smile. It’s good to know it never ever changes, though. That’s reassuring.

Reassuring is not the term I would use. I don't remember, as a teenager, thinking about what life at my current age would be like. But I sure wouldn't have anticipated the same "But does he LIKE like me? And do I really LIKE like him?" deadlock.

But if you remember being a teenager you probably thought that everyone who was an adult had their shit together and when you actually get there and find out people don’t...I mean, it’s a better feeling than thinking you’re the only one.

I don't remember, as a teenager, thinking about what life at my current age would be like. But I sure wouldn't have anticipated the same "But does he LIKE like me? And do I really LIKE like him?" deadlock.

As a teenager, I thought I would be dead by now ... or happily married, so I definitely didn't anticipate that ... yeah, it's absurd, I have very recently been there. I would want to reassure my teenage self that I now live in a cool city, so I'm not stuck in a small town with a depressingly limited pool of boys to think that about, while simultaneously thinking, "Why are guys all so stupid?"

still though ... even with a much larger selection of "eligible males" + the internet, I still often think, "Why are guys all so stupid?"

at least you don't have to wait until after 9pm to make phone calls to people you like.

at least you don't have to wait until after 9pm to make phone calls to people you like.

― Yerac, Tuesday, October 8, 2019 12:33 PM (five minutes ago

omg, it's kinda like that though! Like there is this *thing* where you are supposed to ask ppl if you can call them (and vice versa).

the same "But does he LIKE like me? And do I really LIKE like him?" deadlock.

Oh man, try this, but with added extra "but is she/they gay? bi-curious? heteroflexible? are they even attracted to my gender in the first place? Wait, remind me again, what gender does she believe I even am?"

It's funny how everyone tries to reassure you, you know, when you're a teenager everything seems so complicated, but it gets simpler? It doesn't. It's simple when you're a teenager. It gets way way more complicated when you're older.

well it was simple for me when i was a teenager because i hated myself, thought i was a grotesque freak, and was too scared to talk to anybody!

Now when did I last feel that way? Oh yeah, this morning.

stuck in a small town with a depressingly limited pool of boys to think that about, while simultaneously thinking, "Why are guys all so stupid?"

lol HARD SAME. Plus being trained in a religion that specified that not only was I supposed to find one of these idiots attractive, but I was going to have to be subservient to him as the master of the household. Put me right off marriage, I'll tell you that.

And to think people used to ask me why I didn't date in school or college.

La Lechera, have you considered taking birth control pills continuously to skip your period? This was suggested to me, though I did not do it.

i have recently reconsidered going back on HBC. i took bc pills for most of my menstruating years and going off them was not good; they also gave me migraines. still maybe that is better than what i have been experiencing? it has been almost a decade since i tried that, maybe my situation is different now.

also otm about hometown slim pickins -- i'm not interested in revisiting my adolescent years in no small part because the pool of options i had was small and, as it turns out, quite bad.

meanwhile, I've been single for almost exactly 10 years now, and I am more or less okay with it ... at least, the cultural and psychological pressure to be partnered is mostly gone. I realized, after talking to a female friend who is in therapy for this, that I have a history of "codependency issues" ... it's like I have a tendency to turn into this other person when I am in a relationship or crushing super hard. This other person is generally a lot nicer and sweeter than "the real me" but the fact that somehow my self-esteem and a lot of my identity suddenly is dependent on what the partner/crush thinks of me and thinks about "things" ... it's scary as fuck.

Same. I have a bad track record of not being myself in relationships, which I'm pretty sure has contributed to the demise of a couple of them. Oddly enough though, not in my current one, which is one of the sterling qualities that makes me stay in it.

For me, it's been related to dating people who I think are too good for me; basically I'm afraid they'll figure out that I'm not smart enough or cool enough to be worthy of them, which makes me consumed with the necessity of being perfect/charming/etc so they don't find out. It's poison, obvs. Idk what happened with my current partner, I guess bc we met online and just started dating, there was no long period where I was "in crush" with him. Also tbf maybe I was feeling especially cold and rational year and I just held that line.

It's better this way. And it turns out that the real me is a monster lol

And it turns out that the real me is a monster lol

Oh shiiiit, I have so much to say on that topic (not you, but me) but ... I am not going to reveal that much.

I look forward to it! It's not really that I'm terrible, maybe a little lazy, selfish, human...but I can't be afraid of being flawed or else everything is doomed, including my mental health.

most of the recent long term couples i know either knew the person from school or met them on the internet. no in-between.

Basically, my attitude towards "the real me" is: there is some dark evil garbage there, but I have a choice whether to indulge it or repress it; I have the agency to prevent other people from being hurt by it; I can work on understanding what triggers it and how to talk myself down and deal with things in a kinder more empathetic way.

And to me, that's the scary aspect of the alt-right MRA incel dudes -- it's like they are just collectively saying "fuck it" and indulging their inner angry sociopaths as opposed to saying, "I don't want to be evil," and trying to be better people.

Wow, Sarahell, it's like you've reinvented hardcore Calvinism? (I am mostly joking, but only mostly.)

I dunno. Like, a large part of therapy for me was letting go of this idea (totally internalised from that kind of Christianity) that the fundamental core of me was some dark evil garbage. Like, yes, I had some pretty heavy neurological difference that caused me to interpret (and be interpreted by) therefore react to (and be reacted to) other people in some fucked up ways. But it was up to me how I navigated and negotiated that, with that knowledge?

Like, even with the hardcore misandry that has built up over years, deep down, I really have a hard time believing that anyone is a truly totally garbage human being. That there are flawed human beings operating within twisted systems that twist them. But believing that makes it harder for me - like, when cis dudes confirm all the wost aspects of cis dudeisms, I get angry, like - you have the ability to do better? You could, and you should! Every non-cis-dude I know works on themselves so hard all the time, why don't you make that choice, instead of just doubling down on it?

Anyway, this thinkpiece seems to be resonating with a lot of what's been said here (and I love the phrase heteropessimism) but it's still leaving me with a sense of ... I don't know, rubbing me the wrong way. Girls, what is bugging about this piece?

https://thenewinquiry.com/on-heteropessimism/

Wow, Sarahell, it's like you've reinvented hardcore Calvinism? (I am mostly joking, but only mostly.)

ha the religion of my ancestors (probably)! ... I don't think everyone has dark evil garbage at their core. Or rather, there's a spectrum of dark evil garbage -- and mine is "above average" like if we were to compare it to absorbency ratings on menstrual products, with the most innately kind compassionate people having a panty liner's worth of dark evil garbage, mine would be definitely be a "super plus" but not so bad as to require a tampon + heavy days pad. And I'm not saying I was "born that way" -- a lot of it was unhealthy thinking and coping mechanisms as a result of being a weird kid in an oppressively normal small town, as well as untreated mental illness.

That there are flawed human beings operating within twisted systems that twist them. But believing that makes it harder for me - like, when cis dudes confirm all the wost aspects of cis dudeisms, I get angry, like - you have the ability to do better? You could, and you should!

What I believe is closer to that, btw. Some people get twisted "worse" than others, some get twisted towards narcissism, sociopathic tendencies, bullying, intolerance/hatred of difference ... others get twisted towards fear, crippling anxiety, low self-worth, etc. Not to make it binary ... because some of the "predatory" twistedness stems from "victimhood" twistedness.

Branwell, I haven't read the article yet, but would it make sense re: your discomfort, that the person on social media I saw post a link to it is a cis white hetero dude who is into idm and alt-right adjacent?

That article, I dunno. Heterosexuality is such a huge mess and there are too many rigid institutions that want to keep it that way. I have been getting annoyed with my fb friends, women with phDs and full time jobs who circulate articles about the unseen labor they do in the household while their husband still has to be reminded of simple adult things to do. Such a shitshow.

Which also leads into that study recently about men benefitting more than women from being married and women being more likely to initiate divorces. Like, no shit.

Tldr that hot garbage. Any time an accusation is made that some act of resistance is "performative," I mentally mute all following content.

The little bit that I did read made me really angry because, among probably 1000 other things, the author is

1. Pretending that they don't know that when straight women complain about being attracted to men, what they're really critiquing is patriarchy, not heterosexuality as itself.

2. Pretending that heterosexuality is the same as violent/toxic masculinity/patriarchy. "I think they're wrong, that there's evidence heterosexual culture is changing. But even if it weren't we would have to believe it could, because tens of thousands of women are currently dying of it [heterosexuality] every year, murdered by their husbands, boyfriends, or exes.") THEY'RE NOT MURDERED FOR BEING HETERO, THEY'RE MURDERED BECAUSE THE MEN IN THEIR LIVES ARE VIOLENT MISOGYNISTS. Also because guns, honestly.

3. The writer just equated women who are "pessimistic" about heterosexuality, as in point #1, and Men Going Their Own Way, which I don't have the resiliency to explain here but google MGTOW if you must. Those two ideas are NOT EQUAL.

Honestly there's so much more but I can't type it all out. Throw the whole article away.

haha, otm. Yeah, I started skimming because the entire thing was confusingly written.

on point 1 about being attracted to men I thought they were going to go into a sexual attraction vs romantic attraction angle but that wasn't the case.

Thank you, in orbit, you hit the ball right out of the park immediately.

I think it was Point No. 3 that just stuck in my throat, like, what, no - these two things are not the same thing at all. The reasoning is different, the logic is different, the power dynamic is completely different. And just feeling like that author had really, really missed something incredibly big, as to why she would even think this way.

And of course, what she has missed is exactly points 1 and 2.

Thank you! You have very succinctly articulated what was bothering me!

Yes, io otm. That essay or whatever it is sounds like garbage.

Also I value succinct point-making/articulation of ideas so much in the face of disingenuous long-winded endurance tests designed to fatigue the reader into capitulation to their pov

💜

It’s like when someone says “fight me” — my first thought is “no way, f u”

Boy, and how.

Recently I was in a professional training and the speaker asked for a show of hands: "Who in here sees themselves as a person of excellence?" or something like that. And a few ppl raised their hands but honestly I was just like "That sounds exhausting. Is there a medium version?"

xp - I prefer "fight me" to a long ass diatribe about "this is why you suck" -- having experienced both

relatedly, going back to the differences between teen dating and adult relationships -- it is way way easier to avoid the people it doesn't work out with when you're an adult.

oh my i would not give the time of day to a diatribe about why i suck
1) excuse you, i don't suck. your thesis is invalid.
and 2) who has the time/inclination to type out paragraphs of hateful shit and deliver it to a person? wtf, no one i want to know.

poof
* u got jettisoned *

being a teenager fucking sucked, i'll take adulthood any day any way

wtf, no one i want to know.

you know this person. you regret knowing this person.

basically I prolonged the diatribe by logically arguing against each of his points