your terrible ideas

A winebar called Wine Eleven

In partnership with Oscar Mayer, La Croix is proud to introduce Deli Water, a new line of lunchmeat-flavored sparkling beverages.

(NB, this may entail nothing more than dropping, say, a slice of olive loaf in a can of otherwise-unflavored carbonated water.)

flavored? surely you mean lunchmeat-essenced

I deeply apologize to the good people at La Croix for mischaracterizing their patented method of merely hinting at the possible existence of flavor without ever quite crossing so crude and unseemly a line.

http://dailyhive.com/vancouver/vancouver-hot-dog-water-june-2018

I somehow knew it was just terrible enough to have already been done irl.

just saw a Chopped where they had to use jerky soda

I'd be headed for that ice cream machine

a lighthearted, Ocean's Eleven-esque heist movie about the 9/11 conspirators

― .oO (silby), Thursday, December 28, 2017 11:15 PM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

don't do that to me right before bed. I can already see the split screen star wipes on the security videos, a box cutter wobbling down a walmart conveyor belt...

― pplains, Thursday, December 28, 2017 11:32 PM

The meta-terrible idea is this is the designated bomb in an updated version of The Producers

― .oO (silby), Friday, December 29, 2017 12:13 AM

pilot lesson montage to that music, too

― mh, Friday, December 29, 2017 10:07 AM

I am a horrible human being. Just warning you all.

(Please hit play)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4v8YQ6sU6I4

It was a mission that couldn't fail – what could go wrong?

SCENE: CAVE - INTERIOR

KHALID
So we'll need two planes to fly into each building...

OSAMA
No, no. Just one. You fly into the north tower, from the north, right? And it shall knock over into the south tower. Like dominoes. (Slaps hands together.) One bird, two stones, you see?

KHALID
But let me just offer that... yes... won't the plane just shoot through the building? I mean, the towers were basically constructed as skeletons held up by a steel core...

OSAMA
(Angrily) And then what? What do you think happens next? Mr. Architect? Jet fuel can't melt steel beams!

All it would take... would be a little teamwork...

SCENE: AIRPLANE HANGER - INTERIOR
THE HIJACKERS have JARRAH cornered by the coffee machine

JARRAH
Hey guys. Uh. What, what's going on?

ATTA
Just wondering, Jarrah, how, you know, exactly how you plan to handle your mission if the passengers push back. (Looks back at crew behind him and chuckles.) I mean, we've seen your training today, you seem a little soft in this area.

JARRAH
I am not soft! I know exactly what I will do! I am fully trained in this department! I will simply get on the intercom and say (in generic American pilot's accent) "This is your captain speaking. We are going back to the airport." And then, THEN everyone will settle down!

ATTA and OTHER HIJACKERS just stare at JARRAH with arms folded. Some begin chuckling as well.

JARRAH
Sounds OK, right?

QUICK ZOOM-IN and QUICK ZOOM-OUT to JARRAH in COCKPIT - INTERIOR. CAMERA rotates in steady 360º. Headset around JARRAH's neck. Sandwiches and ginger ale cans bouncing around. THE PASSENGERS are pummeling him in the head with their fists.

JARRAH
NOOOOOOOO!

Teamwork... and a lot of planning

SCENE: HAMBURG STREET CAFE - EXTERIOR.
KHALID and ATTA sit at a small cast-iron table, drinking espressos.

KHALID
So the boss is pretty serious about this. Says you will take out the towers and al-Shehhi gets the Empire State.

ATTA
(Nearly spits out espresso.) Take out the towers? You mean both of them? I'm a pilot, not a professional bowler, Khalid! (laughs at own joke.)

KHALID
You listen closely, ok? This doesn't come from me. (Strokes imaginary beard.) This comes from above. You hit the towers. Al-Shehhi plays King Kong. You got this? Or... do we need to find someone else who can handle the job?

ATTA
(Sighs heavily. Looks at German sports car parked on street playing "Bingo Bango" by Basement Jaxx.) No. Tell the boss I got this.

It was a plan that the whole world would ... never forget.

SCENE: AIRPLANE HANGER - INTERIOR
ATTA is addressing THE HIJACKERS

ATTA
So it'll be me and my crew first with the towers. Al-Shehhi and his boys come in after me with the Empire State. Jarrah's got the Capitol covered. We're all set, so let's begin discussing how the plane tickets on–

HANJOUR
Excuse me!

ATTA
Yes, what is it, Hanjour -- oh, crap. I forgot again, didn't I?

(HIJACKERS all begin chuckling a little.)

HANJOUR
(Angrily) You always forget! If anything, me and my crew will be hitting the most important target!

ATTA
Ah yes, yes. Of course. Hey, everyone, let's all not forget that Hanjour and his crew will be taking on the Pentagon. (Starts to giggle) Hope you know how to fly a hologram, Hanjour.

(HIJACKERS all start cracking up.)

HANJOUR
(Angry, pointing at everyone.) Shut up! Shut up! You know that joke isn't funny!

This summer, get ready for 'The Lollipop Branch' - a gang of misfits who don't know how to come down!

SCENE: WALMART CHECKOUT LANE - INTERIOR
CAMERA POV - LOOKING UP FROM CONVEYOR BELT

AL-SHEHHI picks up box cutter from belt and touches tip of blade

AL-SHEHHI
You see this?

ATTA
(Confused, slightly impatient) Yeah?

AL-SHEHHI
100% stainless steel.

ATTA waits a beat before chuckling and laughing, shakes head to himself.

ATTA
You, such the comedian. C'mon, let's roll.

This film has not yet been rated.

Bravo

Terrible business idea #342: a sofa slipcover print entirely made up of realistic pictures of TV remote controls.

Ow ow ow

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DlZJbprXgAMJJSy.jpg

Can I have a cup of water?
No, sorry, I'm out of cups. Sorry.
...What?

I really like a lot of these terrible ideas.

Terrible is the coward’s awesome

I've recently gotten into the habit of singing these really terrible, upbeat rearrangements of intensely-depressing songs (this morning featured a real swingy version of Bonnie Prince Billy's 'I See a Darkness' which was reminiscent of Bobby Darin's 'Mack the Knife' and Alan Parsons Project's 'Time' in the style of the Trashmen). So an album full of those is my terrible idea of the day.

Or, rather, the first of what I'm sure will be many terrible ideas generated by my brain today.

I am going to make myself a nice jalapeño full of cappuccino at my break today and will report back.

xpost

that's like the opposite of the person with acoustic guitar singing slow folky renditions of pop songs trope. it could be a hit!

how is that pepper-cup idea not from viz

Looking up threads that I posted in my early 20s. Reading anything I wrote in my early 20s. Remembering anything from my early 20s.

Oh definitely. Revisiting anything from one’s past is generally a nightmare

Reporting back: my pepper leaked.

swap men’s rooms with women’s rooms at unpredictable intervals to keep everyone on their toes

GWAR on Drugs -- a War on Drug cover band that wears GWAR costumes.

*War on Drugs cover band

GWAR on Drukqs

a nice jalapeño full of cappuccino is fun to say out loud

hell of a pain though

chili rellenope

YTI: achieve a stratospherically successful career as a rapper under the name gnirutaeF.

Then I could guest on other artists' singles, and it would say "Featuring gnirutaeF."

Tofurken: a chicken inside a tofurkey

aka Buddha’s Dismay

a bit of viral marketing for Zip Recruiter -- The Zipruiter Film. It's the Zapruder Film overlaid with select Zip Recruiter marketing language about "always getting the right person" etc.

omg

I'm not trying to demonize these particular secret service members, but perhaps the fit just wasn't good. maybe the U.S. government had been searching for a long time and eventually settled for some unqualified candidates? Of course, there are many terrible directions one could take this thing.

a bit of viral marketing for Zip Recruiter -- The Zipruiter Film. It's the Zapruder Film overlaid with select Zip Recruiter marketing language about "always getting the right person" etc.

― for i, sock in enumerate (Sufjan Grafton), Wednesday, September 12, 2018 5:54 PM (yesterday) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

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Here's a terrible (and, of course, stupid) idea along these lines: a presidential historical memorabilia store organized in such a way that any customer who comes in looking for JFK-related items is directed back and to the left.

Zip Recruiter: set your sights on a new job.

(dissolve from Zapruder film to LBJ taking the oath of office on the plane) See? This guy just got a new job!

xp lol Lunch.

tangent: I was in a toy store a while ago and asked an employee where they keep the invisible ink. He told me, but we also talked about it was a missed opportunity to say either "It was around here somewhere...." or "It's right there! Can't you see it?"

lol "Where do you keep the JFK memorabilia?" "Back, and to the left."

A Lovecraft-themed frozen yogurt shop called Yog-Softserve. Or maybe 'Sothtserve'?

Why not Lovecraft-branded yoga clothing from Cthulhulemon?

Big budget remake of Jaws with an obvious Trumpalike in the Murray Hamilton role

Henley henleys.

A line of henley shirts that all have a screen-printed image of Eagles drummer / solo artist Don Henley on them.

Here's a quick mockup if you're interested in investing in this venture.

https://i.imgur.com/PjJ5B7B.jpg