no boys allowed in the room!!!!

glad you are doing OK q!!

Pretty sure no boys are allowed in here

thought this was worth posting here
http://www.tinhouse.com/blog/41314/on-pandering.html

oh wow. i've read some of his personal writing in the past, and stephen elliott STRONGLY reminded me of someone i dated.

reading this account of him--that pushiness, that entitlement, ugh. so creepy, and disturbingly familiar.

(haven't read past that--need to breathe for a bit)

if you guys want a terrifying body horror/women's health long read, morcellation is a good keyword
http://maisonneuve.org/article/2015/11/10/worth-risk/

MORCELLATION IS A TECHNIQUE for removing large body parts through small incisions. In the past, morcellation was done manually with a scalpel. But now there are special tools for the job called morcellators. They look like dainty power drills, with small, rapidly rotating cylindrical blades tucked inside the tip. Once slipped in through the tiny porthole, the device grasps and then grinds up the parts that need to be extracted, right there inside the abdominal cavity, and sucks the fragments out. Doctors occasionally do this to kidneys, spleens and adrenal glands, but it is in gynecological surgery where morcellation has flourished.

....Morcellators are particularly handy for removing fibroids, those benign growths embedded in the uterine wall, as the growths can be as hard as coconuts and sometimes as large. While an ordinary uterus can usually be slipped out whole through the vagina, a fibroid-studded one often cannot. With the help of morcellators, though, doctors can remove the entire organ through holes the size of quarters.

But there is a drawback to morcellation: because most gynecological surgeons were using the tools without anything around the tissue to contain it, the procedure could leave debris behind. “Small pieces fall into the abdomen,” said Camran Nezhat, a surgeon at Stanford University who helped pioneer minimally invasive and robotic surgery, but who, for exactly this reason, does not approve of open morcellation. To make matters worse, he said, during laparoscopic procedures, the abdomen is inflated with carbon dioxide. “That circulates the cells inside the abdomen,” he explained, making the spread of tissue fragments even more likely. Although doctors do their best to remove the bits left behind—plucking out individual chunks and rinsing the abdominal space thoroughly with a saline solution—there is no way for surgeons to be certain that they have removed every cell

Oh man LL I loved that read, esp the end:

Some ideas:

dd

Let’s punch up.

Let us not make people at the margins into scouts or spies for the mainstream. Let us stop asking people to speak for the entire cacophonic segment of humanity that shares their pigmentation, genitalia, or turn-ons.

Let us spend more time in those uncomfortable moments when our privilege is showing. Let us reflect there, let us linger, rather than recoil into the status quo.

Let us continue to count, and talk, and think about the numbers.

Let us name those things that are nameless, as Solnit describes, the way “mansplaining” or “rape culture” or “sexual harassment” were nameless before feminists named them. Let those names sing.

Let us hear the stories we are telling ourselves about ourselves. Let us remember that we become the stories we tell. An illustration: I was talking with the writer Elissa Schappell about how much we are both anticipating Carrie Brownstein’s new book. I asked Elissa what she made of this new trend of memoirs by badass women: Carrie Brownstein, Kim Gordon, Sally Mann, Amy Poehler. Was this trend the result of Patti Smith winning the National Book Award five years ago? Was the trend indicative of a new wave of feminism? Elissa interrupted me. “You keep using that word,” she said. “Trend. It’s not a trend. We are here now. We’re not going anywhere. We are here now.”

Let us embrace a do-it-yourself canon, wherein we each make our own canon filled with what we love to read, what speaks to us and challenges us and opens us up, wherein we can each determine our artistic lineages for ourselves, with curiosity and vigor, rather than trying to shoehorn ourselves into a canon ready made and gifted us by some white fucks at Oxford.

(I will start us off by spending no more of my living breath apologizing for the fact that no, actually, even though I write about the American West, Cormac McCarthy is not a major influence of mine.)

Let us use our words and our gazes to make the invisible visible. Let us tell the truth.

Let us, each of us, write things that are uncategorizable, rather than something that panders to and condones and codifies those categories.

Let us burn this motherfucking system to the ground and build something better.

Can we share some stuff we've read l8ly that is in this vein, writerly wise

my favorite is carol tyler whose comics compendium LATE BLOOMER just killed me

also one of my kiddos [ok you're not supposed to have favorites but she's a favorite] handed me a copy of without tess and basically forced me to read it and it killed me
like i was yelling and gasping and laughing and crying at almost every page
i'm a loud reader and it made me THE LOUDEST

Wow, LL, that linked piece was such a stomach-gut-punch. I think I need to digest it a little, but I'm just kinda tired of digesting things.

(On many levels, I'm just kind of tired of a lot of things. But male entitlement is really kind of at the head of the list of things I'm tired of.)

Without my little notebook of Things I've Read this year (and since my commute changed, I've not read nearly as much, which saddens me) I'm bad at remembering the things I'm reading. I need a list of things I can read on my iPhone while waiting for delayed trains, TBH.

I am actually reading At Hawthorn Time by Melissa Harrison right now and there was this passage that just absolutely hit me. This character, a retired woman who moved to the country because she wants to be an artist, but she hates it, and she's having a bit of a crisis over what's it all for. And she thought to herself something like "art is the way that we actually know for certain that other people are real."

But it's that growling sense of ... annoyance / injustice / something ... how are you ever supposed to develop the sense that *you* are actually real, if the only art you ever encounter is all of that stuff made by (or for) the Serious White Men?

It feels like... Big Things have been happening in the world.

It's scary.

One wants to (well, really, I should use first person and say "I want to") connect with other people and talk about the Big Things and try to reach understanding and diminish fear. But every single space that is available to me, to talk about, or learn from, with regards to discussing the Big Things is dominated by this guy:

http://captainawkward.com/2015/11/05/786-trouble-dealing-with-male-grad-students-who-take-up-all-the-air/

Or more commonly, about 4 or 5 of This Guy, shouting at one another, and taking up all the air in the room, and no learning happens, and all I do is back out again more quickly than I came in, with this new annoyance compounding the already existent fear, and worry over my own ignorance. And also more detached and alone than before. Which is not a good place to be.

That speech/essay made me think about Exile in Guyville even more than I normally do (which is kind of a lot under my current circumstances)

Thanks for posting that link LL, gave me a lot to think about

fuuuuuuuck that morcellation thing is HORRIFIC. i guess i never thought too much about how a uterus actually exits the body, but the idea of it being... dragged through the vagina just makes me wanna clench my thighs and shiver with terror.

My uterus existed the body via my vagina, but no morcellation. My surgeon doesn't do morcellation--if the uterus can't come out via the vagina (because of its size or some other anatomical factor), he opens up a bikini line incision and lifts it out that way. Morcellation sounds like an insurance company/hospital dream--a way to make what would otherwise be a more resource-intensive surgery a "minimally invasive" surgery. A little roto-rooting, and send that lady home the same day!

Made me think of Tetsuo Iron Man! D:

fuck i guess i just stupidly assumed it was like getting your appendix out.

that reminds me - i think i'm forgo the tubal ligation thing for the forseeable future, since i managed to get my skin under control and the mirena is less of an issue now.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pJWbF_SjWZs

I love this.

I have become kind of obsessed with this column:

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/nov/28/online-dating-sex-relationships-stella-grey

This one is super-relatable but a bit of an anti-climax after the soap opera of her last few months.

I mean, I haven't dated in ... but it's kind of reassuring in an awful way to know that one's tedious experiences are in no way exceptional.

i love j coolidge too

happy birthday quincie!

HBQ!

and also a happy birthday to just1n3

hb j & q!

Oh thank you! HB to just1n3, my fellow sag!

I am 42! Firmly Forty. Can no longer get away with thinking of myself as 30-ish.

happy belated just1ne!

Happy Birthday Quincie & just1in3
awesome-lady-birthdays hooray!

thanks, women!

off topic: walgreens fleece-lined tights for lyfe - jenny and la lech were OTM

also: gel manis for lyfe. except i don't think i have strong enough nails to make a habit of it. got my first in vegas and cannot stop looking at my nails. spent 5 mins digging through a full backpack and came out chip-free!

I was talking with a young lady last night who complimented my Feminism is Cool necklace. she told me she really doesn't know much about feminism but thinks she would like it if she did. Now I want to recommend books to her!

I always get at a couple compliments from women when I wear that necklace.

Ugh ugh ugh you know when you are just getting seriously bad vibes from someone - like Gift of Fear "shoulders up around your ears" bad vibes - and you just don't know if no one else is saying so because they just haven't noticed, or they have noticed but they are trying very hard not to engage for fear of setting them off and making things worse?

In most of these situations the correct answer is "stop looking; don't engage; erect a "none of your business" field. I don't know why this one is getting to me. Maybe it's because certain aspects of it remind me really strongly of the situation that happened to me a year ago. Maybe it's guilt because the last time a community I was in harboured a guy that crossed the line from kinda pathetic and a bit creepy to physically dangerous I was literally the last person to know until he assaulted someone in plain sight and I am plagued with guilt over not recognising or believing or doing something (what?) sooner.

Think it's better to put it here, because this is about *my* reaction and I'm owning it than to either confront or to take the passive aggressive option. I'm freaked out a little, for reasons related mostly to me. Is anyone else feeling that, or am I just overreacting because of my own past histories?

About someone currently posting to ilx or ... in general, in some aspect of their lives?

Online; I am probably overreacting it is also none of my business and the correct answer is "stop freaking yourself out by reading".

it's different when the person is attacking you or someone you care about, imo. There have been times when I've turned a blind eye out of relief because the "target" wasn't me (for a change).

It's someone alleging a bunch of unpleasant stuff about someone who is not here to defend herself, we're hearing only one side of the story and everything about the narrator screams "unreliable narrator" covered in red flags with little icons of red flags printed all over them.

I know why this is bugging me. Because of that guy last year, finding out all of the bizarre lies he spread about me, how he represented the situation as the complete opposite of what actually happened, in similar ways to how this guy is now talking. I literally could not answer back to any of them to say "you are actively delusional and living in Opposite Land" but I just wanted *someone* to stand up and say "I don't believe you. You are lying."

So seeing someone raging through what looks, to me, like a very similar situation is kind of rubbing salt in old scars.

I don't know the whole situation, it's not my place to stand up and yell "I don't believe you; you're lying, and here's a list of all the red flags that creep me out". But it is seriously digging up bad memories of a thing I had hoped I had put behind me. It's putting me in an unpleasant place I don't want to be in any more; that's all.

I just feel icky and needed to register my discomfort rather than do anything about it.

I'm gonna go read some Ralf und Florian slash instead; thanks for listening. :)

I read something like that recently, and had the same red flags go up.

Me too

This guy is completely beyond the reach of of a sensible talking-to - his side of the story is one enormous red flag and I'm sure if we could get her side it would be a whole lot different and more believable

Is it possible to explain what's going on? I'm confused.

LL I don't want to spell it out because the guy has shown through his online behaviour that he simply does not understand soft noes; he powers straight through hard noes the moment he's drinking; he reacts really badly to being contradicted and Justine is right, he is beyond sensible talking to. I don't want to attract his attention, Christ especially not to this thread, but I just wanted to know if anyone else was getting not a "harmless pathetic dude" vibe but a red flag vibe from his story and his actions and it looks like some people are.

It bothers me - a lot - that her government name is just still sitting out there. It bothers me too when guys respond to him with "yeah, exes be psychos" without any awareness or thought of "holy shit what would it be like to be on the receiving end of the Guy That Doesn't Understand No for 2 years."

Like I said, I am reacting to this so badly because of my own bad experiences. I have no idea what a community should do in response to something like this!

i messaged LL with more details.

i'm majorly creeped out by his posts, and i honestly think ppl should just not engage him at all, if not outright ban him. it's not like he actually takes in anything anyone else posts, anyway.

it's funny, i instantly knew who you were referring to, bc it's been bothering me so much as well.

it's not like he actually takes in anything anyone else posts, anyway.

yeah, that was/is my biggest frustration, the reddest of the red flags.

Alright, got it. Thx for writing. Every no is a straight up no imo. Doesn't "understand" no = u are being a menace.

I did draft out a whole post which was "you might not be intentionally lying, but from your posts it looks like your view is ridiculously distorted" but failed to post it multiple times, b/c I just don't know whether that would be helpful or detrimental to the situation. I kind of feel like dude is mentally ill, surely it's wrong to turf him out? But equally I don't think we can help him, so... I don't know.

emil.y I've appreciated a lot of your posts.

This is a hugely emotive topic, so I'm going to try to say what I need to say, making it plain that I am speaking from a place of highly charged emotions, having been on several sides of this.

There are "people who suffer from mental health difficulties who are aware of their own issues and do their best to live within their limitations." There are "people who are seriously mentally ill and not capable of understanding why what they are doing is fucked-up because their thinking is so distorted". Then there are "people who have some seriously fucked-up ideas around women and consent". These are not distinct or discrete groups. I have been in some if not all of these groups, at various stages of illness, so I not saying this as an accusation, but an observation of something I am part of. There are people who are definitely in one group but not in any of the others, but there are also people who swirl all around all three groups. There are also very definitely people in the third group, who use the possibility that they *might* be in one of the other two, to get away with some frankly awful shit.

I have no interest in internet-diagnosing our little friend. I have no interest in working out which if any or all of these groups he belongs to. I am actually not interested in banning people or turfing them out, but I am interested in cleaning up or containing behaviour which is actively harmful to people, especially women, who fall foul of people in group number three.

For personal reasons, it freaks me the fuck out, having a woman (who is not a member of this community or able to defend herself) being put through an internet ringer, with her government name all hanging out there in the breeze (red flag: he asked for his government name to be removed from the post, but not hers!) for a guy of super-questionable motives and even more questionable sanity to just throw all kinds of deeply fucked-up allegations at, and invite strangers to internet-diagnose her, based on what are clearly extremely distorted views by someone who has demonstrably shown an inability to understand, let alone cope with rejection. That freaks me the fuck out.

Maybe the answer is as simple as "have someone (not me) have a word with moderators to edit that post to remove her name" - which is the bare minimum of what I'd expect. (Maybe this has already been done.) Beyond that, I do not know. But I do need to register my "I am really explicitly not OK with what is going on here, and why."

Now I'm kind of worked up and would prefer not to be, so here is a picture of my boys to lookit and calm me down.

http://media.gettyimages.com/photos/photo-of-ralf-hutter-and-florian-schneider-and-kraftwerk-florian-and-picture-id85853934

Thank you so much for that post, Branwell. You articulated stuff I'd been thinking very well and added a lot extra to think about too.

By the way, I am a mod - I redacted the woman in question's name and I honestly have no idea why I didn't do that immediately, especially because I know I thought I should as soon as I saw it. Completely on me for not taking action sooner. If any of you want to contact me about stuff relating to this or other moderator issues, or if you feel uncomfortable raising something with other mods, please do feel that you can contact me. One word of warning, though, b/c of my own mental health issues I sometimes get avoidant about checking my emails so it is not a 100% guarantee that I will see something even within a month. So maybe give me an oblique 'check your messages' prompt if you do get in contact.

yeah i really don't see anything good coming from engaging with him at all. he is absolutely NOT open to any type of real discussion, he just wants agreement and sympathy.

not a lot of ppl have been engaging him, which i think is great.

Thanks, Emil.Y!

(So someone I've known since childhood posted some asinine thing on fb recently about porn and then made a comment in the thread where she said, "This is why we have little blue pills, ladies. Whose victimizing who? Back to porn. More porn please!! Feminists I dare you to soapbox here and now. I'm in the mood." in response to absolutely nothing and she's been driving me nuts so I just posted a big long thing in response, right on her wall, which read in part "Your whole captain save all men/bitches be crazy/I'm only friends with guys thing is so strange and sad. You come off as catty and petty as the women you often insult. You're entitled to choose your own friends for any reason but reinforcing stereotypes that actually contribute to your own marginalization as a woman probably isn't a good idea. None of this makes you seem smart or cool and it's pretty cringe-worthy to witness. You're a smart woman but this crusade you seem to be on often undermines that." Really want to ruin and delete it because it seems mean but I've had enough and UGH. Fully expecting to be deleted and or blocked any min which would be totally OK with me.)