your terrible ideas

great minds think alike, obv.

"We have worked tirelessly to integrate texting, talking, and vaping into one spectacular, innovative technology. The applications are limitless. We feel that Jupiter will change the world as we know it."

o rly?

I feel like they went over most of the applications in that previous sentence

A selfie selfie stick, which will allow users to take a selfie of themselves taking a selfie.

OMG @ that cellular vaping device. "We have worked tirelessly to integrate vaping, eating, lawn mowing, gargling, Skyping, and wok cookery into one spectacular, innovative technology."

I had the vapephone terrible idea a couple of months back and all of my (two) vaping friends said they would buy one.

The thing that's really terrible about it is that phone batteries barely last the day as it is without you also using them to boil nicotine (or whatever the fuck ecigs do).

a theater troupe of dogs called The Dramatic Paws

hahah

My wife and I were saying how we didn't know of a Jewish female kids' cartoon character, and we came up with Shoshana, Esq., who sues Doc McStuffins for medical malpractice.

just off the top of my head the Rugrats are Jewish, feel like i'm missing someone else big

oh yeah true, although when was rugrats last on the air? I guess we were thinking more in terms of stuff my daughters would watch.

I don't know if all the characters were but at least one or two were, hence the passover special

Rugrats Passover is important viewing.

skimming the wiki, i guess tommy, his mom, and her parents (the grandpa/grandma characters) are jewish, and the rest of the cast aren't?

Chuckie, his father Chas and the DeVille twins, Phil and Lil, meanwhile, were portrayed as nonreligious yet inclusive and enthused to learn about the customs of the holiday.

i've also read some pretty interesting stuff that makes a strong case that betty boop is jewish; there are lots of hebrew-language jokes (like, hebrew letters and words appearing onscreen), and one of her early shorts revolves around having uptight immigrant parents who don't support betty's boopish lifestyle, and they are rendered pretty clearly as eastern european jews. i realize this does not really pass the "stuff my daughters would watch" test.

see Holberg, Amelia. "Betty Boop: Yiddish Film Star."American Jewish History. no. 4 (1999): 291-312. the cartoon i was thinking of is "minnie the moocher" (indeed with cab calloway, and a great short).

A cover version of Leonard Cohen's 'The Future' sung to the tune of 'Hallelujah' in the style of Jeff Buckley.

Cover of ZZ Top's "Sharp Dressed Man" that goes "every girl's crazy bout a half-mast flag!" To be deployed during post-terrorism situations.

a re-working of the lyrics of jeremih's "don't tell 'em" that would change the subject to santa's reindeer. sample:

rhythm is a dancer / pulls the sleigh with prancer / vixen's helping out there too.

soulsearch.com, an evangelical christian search engine that honors the lord EVERY day

― i've a cozy little flat in what is known as old man hat (Hurting 2), Monday, April 1, 2013 12:07 PM (2 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

the time is ripe:
http://www.thenewcivilrightsmovement.com/davidbadash/today_s_google_doodle_celebrates_evolution_so_christian_conservatives_threaten_boycott

i think i realized tnite what led ben carson to make his comments about the pyramids being grain silos. he probably believes the common misconception that the jews built the pyramids. in the OT it says that the jewish slaves built the cities of pithom and ramses which various commentators describe as storehouse cities. is it giving him too much credit to think he probably conflated this misconception w/ this [ime] popular bible translation?

Dr. Carson's been on Level 1 with us this whole time:

http://i.imgur.com/1iwj5Tj.jpg

my theory is he got his history of egyptian cereals from this guy

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/8/8a/Yummy_Mummy_cereal_box.png

A tv show called Only Fools, Not Horses.

It would be a candid camera style show where people would run out on to the street thinking "oh! a horse!" but actually it was just someone clapping together 2 coconut halves.

They always talk about putting the carrot in front of the horse, but what if the horse is the carrot for the man.

man, they're always talking about putting the carrot in front of the horse, and then always running outside whenever they think they hear something that might be a horse. they are obsessed with horses!

new terrible idea: Horseloving Whisperers, a show where people whisper about how much they love horses

A lifesize plastic reindeer head with antlers and glowing red nose for attaching to the front of your bicycle during the festive season.

they do similar beasties for those ubiquitous micro scooters so it shouldn't be too hard.

http://www.micro-scooters.co.uk/scooter-heads-and-a-monkey.html

that said, a front-facing red light might be illegal.

Definitely the main reason why it's terrible, otherwise I'm certain it would fly off the shelves. Would have to be more waterproof than those scooter ones though.

I feel like bicycle reindeer heads would be big with the bacon/zombie/comedy horsehead crowd.

A Firesign Theatre-style comedy record titled "Hamas and PETA"

A thinkpiece webmag about fishing called Codpiece

A series of tie-dye t-shirts with terrible slogans like 'I hate myself and want tie-dye' or 'Star Wars: Tie-Dye Fighter'.

New James Taylor project wherein the singer/songwriter turns out a set of gritty, contemporary protest songs: Occupy Sweet Baby James

A long-running tv series where the protagonist travels back in time to three months previous, but in the course of the first episode's events the time machine breaks/portal closes and they are stuck. The rest of the series will detail their attempts to adjust to their new life while trying to get back to their own time, even though much more than three months would pass over the course of the series.

lol at james taylor one

a children's book called Baby Llama Drama

I'd read that 5 times in a row to my kid.

Speaking of my kid, his behavior in the dining room the other day made me imagine a band that played early 2000s screamo songs in the style of Dave Matthews and/or vice versa, as I imagine the fans of both of those would pretty much hate each other's music. The band would be called Under The Table And Screaming.

I think screamo vocals over DMB-style instrumentation would be a good permutation of that idea.

It would be an improvement. at least

Do it with death metal vox and call it Grave Matthews Band

hahahahahaa

of course, on those songs where dave matthews himself attempts a deep, rumbling growl (e.g. "halloween" and, well, "grave digger") the surprisingly melodious, angel-voiced bassist would take the mic

would not be hard to make satellite and warehouse riffs metal

so sleep well

you could have dueling cookie monster vs. melodic vocalists on

IF YOU A MONKEY ON A STRING
(don't cut my lifeline)
IF YOU A DOGGIE ON A CHAIN
(don't bite the mailman)

honestly this might end up just sounding like the dave matthews band

Opening a pub called "Wood's", just so every winter people can say "What are you doing later?" "Oh you know, just stopping by Wood's on a snowy evening."

we have a Woodes cafe and a The Woods bar

There's a bar called The Woods here but it's heinous and douchey and the definite article would throw off the poem anyway.