no boys allowed in the room!!!!

On my phone so can't post properly but stalker stuff is so awful. Impressed that the police actually did something about it, however helpful or not it may turn out to be

I don't have any advice, Branwell. The only thing I can think of that sort of works is large-scale tumblr shaming where someone with a healthy following makes their sitch very public and encourages it to go viral to pressure tumblr to react or at to at least register public disapproval that goes into the record of how they've treated similar cases over time.

From what you've expressed though I don't think that's a road you'd want to go down, just ramping up the pressure for an unknown duration.

Frankly I'm shocked that the police were kind of great, and I mean great in the sense of actually DOING THEIR JOB without shaming or belittling you, which says something about what a low bar that is.

srsly so awful but i'm glad that you're dedicated to taking the necessary steps. seems like a turning point so long as the authorities are being helpful.

wish i had more to say but honestly i can't think of a single thing to say that is helpful or constructive in any way
well, i guess my only advice is to be extremely cautious going forward when developing emotional relationships with people you don't know very well. i mean, that is stupid advice but it's weird how easy it is to have an illusory closeness. i'm extremely wary of this in general. just like i instinctively back away from anyone who tries to get too close to me too quickly.

pls note that isn't to say that i believe it was your mistake for getting involved with this person (obviously it is not)

fuck. so sorry you're going thru this hell.

i wish i had helpful advice or something, but it sounds like you've done everything you realistically could. (further options sound like they'd be causing way more stress & not worth it)

glad the police officers were validating about the trauma of it all, at least--it makes such a difference to have others take it seriously.

Thanks for the support, girls. It really means a huge amount to me to have this stuff believed, and not belittled or shamed or "you're over-reacting".

And yeah, I was pleasantly surprised by the PC's approach and attitude.

Without getting into too much victim-shaming-y thinking, LL, I normally *am* incredibly careful about who I develop emotional relationships with. I am aware of the warping and projection effect of the Internet in creating and sustaining the illusion of intimacy that just isn't there. It wasn't a quick thing, it wasn't an 'out of nowhere' thing, it was someone who had been pursuing me for *months*, who had been showering me with attention and likes and dozens and dozens and dozens of comments. Of course it was flattering! But it escalated to romance at a point where I was quite low, and very emotionally vulnerable - it was over Christmas. I always get incredibly depressed around that time of year, I was very lonely because I had two weeks off work, so I'd go for days without speaking to another human being, except online. Loneliness and that kind of isolation has a way of twisting you. Of making you prepared to accept situations you would never normally even contemplate. I'm not excusing or justifying my decision in getting involved in that relationship - I am an adult, and am capable of making life choices, even ones that turn out to be poor ones.

But I guess the moral of the story is, that if someone you have never met is complimenting you that much and pursuing you that hard, it is not actually about you. It is about some weird fantasy that they have built up in their head. And the fantasy of 'this is the most perfect romantic partner in the world' can just as easily turn into the fantasy of 'this is an evil heart-wrecking monster who must be publicly shamed and doxed for the crime of not wanting to be with me.'

I don't have any advice, Branwell. The only thing I can think of that sort of works is large-scale tumblr shaming where someone with a healthy following makes their sitch very public and encourages it to go viral to pressure tumblr to react or at to at least register public disapproval that goes into the record of how they've treated similar cases over time.

^^^I mean, this, this is not something I would NOT do, because, given this person has about 1000 more followers than I do, it's likely in their twisted logic that this is what they thought they were doing to me. Of course I've had revenge fantasies - 1) publishing the complete correspondence between us, not just the highly edited one side - because that contains a hell of a lot more stuff that *they* would not want made public, than stuff I wouldn't. 2) just presenting the Tumblr complaint and the police report without comment on a blog titled GovernmentNameIsAStalker.blogplatform.com and tagging it and letting SEO take over. (Have to thank Carlos for putting that idea in my head.)

But what would those things prove? That I'm no better than them. This is not coming from a desire for justice, it's coming from a place of wanting revenge. This is not a valid or justifiable motive. What would this accomplish? Probably set off another round of doxing and stalking and escalation. What is it I actually want? I just want it to stop, I just want them to leave me alone. I can only hope that, having accomplished their goal of driving me off Tumblr (because apparently, seeing reblogs of a person you are currently stalking is "triggering"? OK...) that they will finally leave me the fuck alone.

...and this is another thought for another day, but this is something that I have been giving a lot of thought over the past few days, and has been troubling me, about the kind of ~Tumblr-isation~ of Social Justice language.

I mean, I know that this is just one vindictive individual, with a specific malicious intent, and is not indicative of the way a group of people use or don't use language and social media.

But it's this thing, the degrading of social justice language. Listen, I *know* that it hurts to be dumped. I know that it is an almost physiological pain, and heart-rate response, when you see someone who has broken your heart and destroyed your romantic dreams. Crushes are called crushes because they hurt. It's upsetting. But to take that set of emotions (being upset, being disappointed, being heartbroken) and assign the very specific PTSD language of "triggering" to it; that is a gross misuse of language, and I find it grotesque. (Even outside of the context of: this is a person who is actually committing a reported crime against me.)

I mean, this is the whole argument of the ~Creepy Liberalism~ crew, and people who fight against trigger warnings, etc. And here this person, through using this language in this way, is just handing them ammunition, that "Triggered" isn't a real thing, it's just a synonym for "upset" or "outraged" or "hurt". Is this really how language has degraded, that it's the natural course of language, that terms that originally meant something specific, are degraded into meaninglessness.

But this is just a minor footnote and kind of a sigh of frustration with the whole world of Tumblr, really.

PS I didn't mean it to be a tactic again the stalker, I meant as a tactic to bring others' attn to tumblr failing to protect targeted users, not living up to their agreements to not allow users to do harm, whatever. I'm not even sure exactly what those agreements are, just that every few months they're making some other kind of statement about adjusting their privacy settings bc of something. But yeah that's not at all what you need to get out of this, which is just peace & quiet & not being fucking doxed/stalked.

Ugh, double negative: "I mean, this, this is not something I would NOT do" = "this is not something I would do".

But yeah, you get it. Taking the actions required to apply pressure to Tumblr to apply their own terms of service would involve keeping up a level of activity that would most likely expose me to way more stalking, doxing, unpleasant activity. When I'm sorry to be such a selfish wimp, but in this situation, my primary motive is "protect myself and stop the harassment" rather than "change a monolithic corporation owned and run by dudebros who are far more statistically likely to be harassers than be exposed to harassers."

I mean, "we recommend contacting your stalker" as their *official* recommended line of recourse just shows how far they are from grasping the problems.

My olsest friend just had a miscarriage. And sent me a picture. I find this stuff fascinating and even I was like oh my fucking God is that . . . Yes. Yes it is. I have know her for 30 years but woah.

O_o

why would she...

wow

How far along was she?

She was like "I know this is graphic but . . . ". I mean I guess she knows that I'm
Not easily phased but she could have texted me first and given me a heads up.

Six weeks. It was v v small but you can absolutely see a tiny little sac with something in it. It's pretty amazing - nature. I think she also wanted confirmation that that was what she thought it was but it was pretty undeniable even in a texted picture. She's had a doc appt anyway tomorrow so I told her to keep it and go in case there's anything they need to do. :(

Keep the appointment, I mean.

Whew. That's when I miscarried the pregnancy before Ivy. I definitely knew when I passed the "products of conception" as my robot infertility doc called it even though it's just an egg sac w/ a tiny blurb in it.

(I was actually pretty grateful for robot doc's brusque manner at that point so no shade.)

I hope your friend is okay. Early miscarriages are easier but they still fucking suck.

And yeah she needs to go in and make sure it's all out. :( It's tough.

Yeah, that's what I thought. I am glad she wasn't further along but I'm sure it's insanely hard regardless. She's with her boyfriend now and I'm going to talk to her tomorrow. She was so excited but had only told three people since it was so early which is good because having to tell a lot of people must be very hard and make you sort of relive it. :( My college boyfriend became a father today and these two things are giving me strange "circle
of life, man" feelings. It's strange and amazing and horrible sad and wonderful all at once.

Life, that is.

And how.

Yeah, horrifying and grotesque and amazing all at the same time. The sense that you're seeing something nature really didn't intend anyone to see. :-/

(I must admit, when I had my reproductive disaster, I totally looked. I wanted to see. It didn't even look remotely human, but I was just curious, and also wanting to know. I'm quite grateful that smartphones didn't exist back then because I probably would have been the arsehole that emailed photos as casually as other people email sonograms or whatever.)

I don't think it's inherently more gross than any other medical process. It's just that reproductive processes have such a veil of shame and Thou Shalt Not Talk About all over them. I don't know if that is the cause of the squick, or if the prohibition is a result of a natural squick. But squick there is.

I'm sorry for your friend. And yeah, Carl Agatha, it's tough. *hugs*

This is great.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H89QQfXtc-k

ty for posting that!

OK so a friend of mine went home to Pittsburgh this weekend and said she'd pick up a shirt from me to wear next time I see my mom (also from the burgh) Get a text message from her today saying "Do you like tie dye?". Errrr. So I write back that "No, it's not really my thing. Kinda too hippie etc." and immediately get one back saying "Oh. Well, I had to make a quick decision and I took a chance :/". Somehow I think I managed a response that got me out of seeming like a total asshole but now I have to pretend to be into some tie dye shirt and AM I WALKING AROUND PROJECTING SOME KIND OF IMAGE THAT MAKES PEOPLE THINK I WOULD LIKE TIE DYE?! THAT IS NOT OK!

AM I WALKING AROUND PROJECTING SOME KIND OF IMAGE THAT MAKES PEOPLE THINK I WOULD LIKE TIE DYE?! THAT IS NOT OK!

I have been assured that I am not and that it is in fact weird that this friend would ever think that I might so phew. Still, lol.

This reminds me of the time a former coworker brought me back an ugly orange scarf from her overseas travel and while it was super thoughtful of her to think of me at all, her comments that she knew I loved orange* and that this scarf just looked like me had me shook for weeks. So I feel you, and I would not have pegged you for someone who likes tie dye.

*I do not love orange, nor do I own anything orange that I wear, nor had I worn anything orange around this coworker ever as far as I could tell.

is there any chance that it's some kind of like subtle tie dye? lol, probs not

ok we've talked about this before right? when people parrot the things you were saying to them a few years ago back to you - when a few years ago they were putting you thru living hell for saying them - with no acknowledgement of that background

SO ANGRYYYYY

ugh
definitely irritating but you can't let it get you down!

reminds me of when someone who used to be an asshole/mean person turns over a new leaf and embraces the radical concept of being a nice decent kind person and then acts like they invented the concept of being a nice person. that makes me irritated. i'm glad that they are not a mean person anymore but at the same time...etc

on another change-related note, today in my class my students immediately understood when i told them about singular "they" and this woman in her 50s was like "it's for transgender people!" now that's a change that feels like a victory instead of a slap in the face.

thank you for reviving this thread, i missed it!

we did a go-round at girls rock camp this year and said our name and PGPs - the kids were 10x cooler about it than the adults tbh. many said they preferred they/them. made me feel like kids today are so chill about gender stuff, much more so than their parents/my generation.

like the kids didnt bat an eye, they were just like "this makes perfect sense, why wouldnt we do this"

Hello girl thread.

Yes that would definitely be a thing that I have complained about in the past. It's frustrating and annoying to not get the acknowledgement, and really angry making to have your time and effort and emotion just ignored and discounted, because of course all of that stuff just comes for free. But hey. The important thing is, that it got through in the end. Small changes change the world, even if you get crushed under the weight of having to constantly ask for them.

Singular they is, erm, wider than just trans usage. It's long-term gender-neutral usage which has feminist as well as trans implications, but erm, that's an "A is a subset of B" rather than "A is a separate issue to B" or really, to be honest "A and B are both overlapping subsets of C" thing I guess.

Been having an easier time in general with gender recently. But it's all kind of a massive breakthrough "ah-ha" paradigm-change that has happened through therapy, where I've discovered the entire foundation to my entire life is about 50 yards to the north of where I thought it was, and so every single thing in my life I've been seeing from a completely different angle. It's good, though.

I know that about singular they -- I was just glad my student knew about it too, that she was aware of the issue at all.

Ah. Sorry, I'm just getting bogged down by endless details again.

Here, have some semi-naked Germans in a shower:

http://36.media.tumblr.com/73e18927fb9b6414423bc6b65f7131cf/tumblr_mmle1dT0ph1s0ok2po2_500.jpg

You know I really really wish I'd read Female Masculinity by J. Halberstam about 15 years ago. Or 5 years ago or just any point before now, really. But I suppose some books find you when you are ready to read them. It certainly doesn't have all the answers, and its taxonomy is flawed and dated in places (yet still preserves nuances that seem to have been lost in the mainstreaming of certain dialogues. But I just found it such a relief, to read someone interrogating things (even when I disagreed with them) that I needed to see interrogated and discussed. The deep history behind *why* certain trends and political stances happened - things I can remember living through but did not know why they had become that way.

I wish it were longer. I wish it were expanded - updated to include the progressions and regressions of the past 17 years - and broadened to discuss masculinity in bisexual or even heterosexual women and queer trans men (though a deliberate focus on specifically Lesbian culture was pretty important to the book's power.)

But the critical idea of detaching masculinity from Maleness in order to discuss it more closely; that was mindblowing.

Anyway, it was a good book. Are there any threads about Masculinity that aren't toxic wastedumps because it would be interesting to throw it in there?

im late but, i don't think there are any such threads. :/

this book and its subj matter sounds very much up my alley

my old time bff is having some body img probs after 2 kids and a shitload of health probs

recommended reading to get her to stop her toxic self talk ("my body is embarrassing and disgusting") and get her to see the light?

no rush. this place is a graveyard these days!

My coworker went through some pretty hardcore body image issues & swears by Women Food & God by Geneen Roth. And another v cool friend of mine has repped for this book too, swears it shifted a lot of things for her mentally. I have it on my wishlist but havent gotten to it yet.

(God in the title = spiritual, not religious fyi )

idk if this would be useful but: a beautiful body project

I've been really distracted by my belly--which just seemed bigger and weird and uncomfortable--for a while now.

I've been kinda on the fence: like, OK should I lose some weight so my pants fit again or just accept it, get over it, I am 41 with a belly (but not overweight and in excellent health) blah blah

It turn out I have a belly full of fibroids. Which I've know I've had for years, but in the past couple of months I started having lower abdominal discomfort and the belly bloat and a hard abdominal mass that I can actually feel and move around (ewwwwww).

So now I'm getting worked up for surgery. And instead of being like oh fuck, surgery, substantial recovery period, blah blah blah. . .

I'm like, oh hey maybe my pants will fit again!!!!

Which is pretty fucked up.

I mean instead of wishing I didn't have fibroids in the first place, I'm grateful that perhaps I can blame *them* for my belly bloat and not *me* for being a failure at belly control.

So yeah, I could use some work on body positivity myself, obv.

quince! Sorry abut the health ish that are fueling this. But I think if under your thinking there is a base of, like, get this foreign thing that is not me out of me, wanting to set your body "to rights," that's understandable.

^^ also clothes not fitting is uncomfortable whatever and buying new ones sucks, so

Good luck with surgery, quince, and feeling body positive!

thanks for the recs y'all -- i'll pass them along to her.

quincie i know exactly what you mean -- i had a swollen abdomen for like 2 weeks and it was disturbing because not only did i feel like a spider, but everything was uncomfortable and i felt sick and lost my appetite, the whole deal. io is otm -- wanting your body to be unswollen isn't the same as dysmorphia or w/e

"feel like a spider" is an excellent description! Like, I have these longish, thinish limbs, but this protruding belly. I'm just waiting for the "when are you due" question, which will be awkward for both me and the questioner. But I'm still thinking I've got some super internalized "good tummy = flat tummy" shit going on, because I shouldn't be relieved that I have a medical issue. I should have been relieved to find out it was just fat.

also kinder otm about clothing not fitting being The Major Suck, and thanks to all for kind words and support <3

i've gotten back into sewing