no boys allowed in the room!!!!

irl LOL

I can talk about Cillian Murphy's cheekbones all day, they're so dreamy.

So what do we think, Wuthering Heights with Aneurin Barnard as Heathcliff and Cillian Murphy as Hindley?

I don't know, what happens in Wuthering Heights?

Well, it's kind of a terrible story of a bunch of people who live in the moors in northern England and absolutely fucking HATE each other and are shockingly cruel to each other in ways both petty and grand, that for some reason has been recast as a love story, BUT it's a great role for a broodingly handsome Welshman and there damn sure would be cravats.

It's a really good book, too, as long as you go into it with 1) an org chart to differentiate all of the similarly named characters and 2) knowledge that this ain't a love story.

I think I'll pass but let me know if like Guy Richie or someone directs it and puts in more car chases and making out? Thx <3 <3

But... cravats.

Mmmmm...nah. I like 'em scrappier than that.

okay okay okay how about a Baz Luhrmann-esque Wuthering Heights re-imagining with cravats AND car chases!

You and Branwell should be absolutely bursting about there being moors and brooding, though! Happy for u

Filthy, disheveled cravats

You just flat out don't have any work to do, do you.

Oh that Wuthering Heights movie doesn't exist (or I would be watching it RIGHT NOW). I am just fantasy casting.

Actually, I have so much fucking work that I actually cried about it last night.

;_______________;

Go right ahead and have that Aneurin-ism then and leave the work until Monday, pet.

Aneurin-ism haha

Cillian Murphy's cheekbones...sigh. he's so pretty.

re: toxic masculinity, was just reading an article about david carr's memoir --"it’s a tremendous, skeptical book about masculinity and the damage men do to themselves and others in chasing all sorts of cockeyed ideas about what it means to be a real man."(tw/much abuse described)

Not to be all Captain Save-A-Brythonic-Language and ruin your joke with our awful vowels, but it's A-NYE-rin - hence Nye Bevan, etc. :)

Haha. It still kinda works

There's a big cloud of billowing thoughts in my head that have yet to coalesce into something cogent, and maybe I need to write to write it out.

But it's really thinking about the various ways that men perform 'anti-sexism' or 'feminism' and how eye-rolly it can be. But this idea of evaluating people who say they're 'allies' not on what they say, but on what they do. Evaluating them not on what they say or perform about Women and Feminist Topics, but on how they treat actual women, especially ones who disagree with them. This will tell you a million times more than all the posturing on all the threads saying all the Things.

I've been trying to move beyond the endless cycle of outrage and rage - because it's so wearing and exhausting - and accomplishes little. But one aspect of that is noticing how many men use "lookit that terrible sexist over there! that man is bad!" as a way of distancing themselves from Sexism. That (bad man) is sexist. Not "we all exist in a constant background tide of sexism, in which I am myself complicit and carried along by." The actions of the Bad Man can be a convenient stand-in for repositories of bad feelings and exorcising them, rather than a call to action to examine how they may be swimming in the same current without realising it.

This can be broadened to many other situations. I'm trying to do this myself. Trying being the operative word; change is hard, breaking habits is difficult. It's still worth trying.

Actions are more important than words. When words and actions do not align, place more importance on actions.

(This is thinking out loud, and not to be taken as the forever-word of how I feel about things forever, but a work in progress.)

by their fruits ye shall know them

Yep.

On guy tip: I liked this Cillian Murphy lite who played a corrupt & decadent space king in Jupiter Ascending

http://www.tvsa.co.za/images/uploads/thumbs/0057899.jpeg

partly handsome, partly some aspiration fantasy to be a decadent space king who lives in the bowels of Jupiter, bringer of jollity

Ha, Eddie Redmayne is one my mother's top crushes.

Also, you might appreciate that he used to model Rowan knitting patterns.

Hmm. He's not for me but A++ King of Jupiter at such a young age, clearly a rising star.

Also, you might appreciate that he used to model Rowan knitting patterns.

― tokyo rosemary, Wednesday, February 18, 2015 1:43 PM (14 minutes ago)

VERY MUCH YES
LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS GIS AS AN AFTER-WORK TREAT

Don't fancy him much, but I like his clothes and I especially like his RINGS; I seem to be going through a phase of being attracted to excessive rings.

I'm trying to draw the annoying, horrible, bannable Mr D upthread, but I think I have well overdone it with his kiss-curl and especially his mascara. Like, I know he wears a lot of mascara, but I've drawn him wearing too too tooooo much mascara (runs in the dark).

But really, decadent space king is really the way forward, I think.

Where did I go wrong with my life that I am not currently, at this very moment, a Decadent Space King? Boo.

Yes to "we are all capable of bad things, immersed as we are in a culture which makes some bad things seem natural and/or not immediately obviously bad, but we are all also capable of examining ourselves and trying not to do bad things" rather than "doing bad things is for Bad People and I am not a Bad Person therefore I couldn't possibly have done a bad thing and (you/entire section of society) are being mean and possibly Bad Person if you suggest I might have" also. And yes, I need to get better at this too.

I think I noted on ILX before that, even though I blame myself for a lot of things which are realistically nothing to do with me, if I do something bad or if random-inconvenience happens to me my brain does immediately go into stampy-feet wasn't-me that-other-person-did-something mode (e.g. not "I walked into a puddle and got wet feet because I wasn't looking where I was going" but "I walked into a puddle and I wouldn't have if that bike hadn't gone past me thirty seconds ago and made me move across slightly! cyclist is very bad person how dare cyclists even exist!!1" etc). This is just one facet of that but I should do less of it in general.

(I am getting further and further from the point.)

No mine does that too, it's really bad. I've worked on it a lot and consider it part of my having (finally) started becoming an adult (by my own measure).

I blame myself for a lot of things which are realistically nothing to do with me

It helps to stop accepting any responsibility for the things in the above category, I think? Frees you up to take resp for actual puddles.

I'm glad it's not just me!

Hmm, maybe you're right. I hadn't really looked at it that way round. Worth a try...

Working for someone who/in an environment that treated us like children was also encouraging me to behave like one emotionally, I discovered. I believed in theory that you should be able to be straightforward and honest about your mistakes, but in practice when you might get blamed for 100 other things it was too painful to add the ones you really meant.

in orbit, I'm really feeling that at school. There are lots of things there that are no-one's responsibility and sometimes people disagree about who should do something, and therefore who should be blamed for it not getting done. That doesn't help.

I find it really hard to deal with people who do admit a mistake but don't bother apologizing, even more so than if they hadn't admitted responsibility in the first place (lol Brit) and am trying to let that go. Sometimes I even practice doing that myself. Feels weird. 'Yeah, I forgot to do that'. *tumbleweeds in place of apology*

I've been reading this Big Book Of Stoic Philosophy the past week or two, and though I was hoping (from my memories of reading Seneca and Marcus Aurelius in high school Latin) it would be all EMOTIONS ARE BAD AND HERE'S HOW NOT TO HAVE THEM EVER AGAIN it wasn't like that at all.

It's more like dividing the world up into "things which are under your direct control and for which you are responsible" and "things that are out of your control" and cultivating different attitudes towards the latter.

And they're very big on the concept of "Indifference" and how things that are not under your control are indifferent to you. To which I was feeling very "but wait, no, some of the things that are not under your control I am most definitely NOT indifferent to, they are annoying or a nuisance or outright terrible" but then it was like, OK, wait, no, but the *events* are indifferent to me. The puddle is not splashing *at* me. It's a puddle; it's indifferent to humans. It splashes, that's what it does. I can take steps to avoid stepping in the puddle; or I can step in the puddle and accept that I'm wet, and it does not mean that puddles or cyclist or the universe hates me and are out to get me, because all of those things are indifferent to me, nor does it mean that I have to apologise for being an idiot and stepping in puddles. Puddles are just a thing that happen, not an obstacle the gods have placed in my path to try me or prove my idiocy.

I still think that apologising after one has really screwed up is still a good idea. But that really depends on intentionality. Like, if the mistake was under your control, apologise for it, and resolve to try harder not to do it next time. But if it really as just a random glitch that you are not responsible for, there's really no point in apologising for machine error or system error. (Though it's a mark of respect to apologise to people. You can choose who you show respect to, and why.)

But we're probably talking about a dozen different things all at once here.

This is a sign of how much I have internalised bullshit: that no matter how jokingly or how lightly I talk about philosophy of any kind on ILX, or y'know, life in general, I cringe in expectation of A Man jumping out of the woodwork and shouting at me how I'm RONG about some thing or other in it.

I really wish I could un-internalise that jumping shouting man.

Yeah, I'll apologise 99% of the time and it's nearly always the right thing to do. But today, for instance, someone pointed out that I forgot to schedule someone for some work. Well, 1. the reason I forgot is that our current scheduling system is ridiculously complicated and the person who reminded me today is the very person who insisted upon that, and 2. somehow I have evolved into the general lab HR person, which was never supposed to be the deal. So I'm treating my own forgetfulness a bit like 'system error'.

OK so this is embarrassing to even admit but I don't know what else to do. One of my oldest friends is pregnant and I'm feeling all sorts of very strange feelings about it! I am, of course, ridiculously happy for her. There's also a huge element of surprise. She's been dating this person for less than a year and is already four months pregnant. They won't live together until a month before the baby is due. She's thrilled and I know this is something that she's always wanted so I really am pleased for her but I can't stop thinking about it and it's also making me very very sad, a little bit angry, and a bit like a loser. I know it shouldn't make me feel any of these things but it is and I hate it and I want it to stop. The thing is, I do want kids and I do hope to have them (or at least one) some day. I don't know. I'm just sad about a lot of things and this news is making me feel so many emotions and I wish it wasn't because I feel like a complete asshole.

Also, the whole things is even stranger for me because I have very few close friends who have kids so I still can't get over the OMG there's a baby inside you part and I think that's a bit strange for her because she's always been around kids (she's a teacher) and has tons of friends who have multiple kids. Then I think about those people (who I know but not well) and think about the fact that they have like six and seven year olds which seems so responsible and adult and different from my reality and it makes me feel even worse. Yes, I know this is all dumb and I hate so much that I'm feeling this way.

Oh I feel bad about posting that. Life is complicated and I live in a frozen hellscape and now have a two hour commute so I'm feeling all the feelings etc. blergh.

jealousy is a perfectly normal emotion. you can care about your friend and still be envious of her

No, I know it is but it still doesn't feel great.

Weirdly enough I think I'm more jealous that her family is being supportive then of the actual having a baby thing. like I said, complicated.

jealousy never feels great.

well, no, it doesn't

I needed a lot of therapy support when I was trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant (and even before we were trying and I just wanted to get started) and people I knew got pregnant. Because yeah, it felt terrible and I wanted to be happy for my friends! I don't remember what specifically worked. Maybe just talking about it in a safe place? But mostly just sarahell OTM, and I have been there, and you're not a bad person for feeling that way.

i don't mean to be flippant -- i've just been there a lot of times -- most recently, someone who i used to be really good friends with but who moved away about 5 years ago, messaged me and asked about one of my bff's music and raved about how awesome she was (he had never met her), and part of me was glad that my bff was getting appreciated for something that she works really hard at, but part of me was jealous that he wasn't messaging me about how awesome my band is

in situations like this, it helps me to remind myself that what i am feeling is totally normal, and that i am not a monster

Yeah, I talked to my therapist about it a little bit last week and will again tonight. I honestly wouldn't have expected it to have this much of a negative impact on me. I think some of that has to do with how I'm feeling in general right now (not great!) and the circumstances etc. Thanks though, it does help to know that others have felt this way. I actually spoke to another friend last night who also does not have any kids yet but might like to in the future and she told me that when she found out her little sister was pregnant she dealt with profound sadness. I think I'll try to call her again tomorrow.

when she found out her little sister was pregnant she dealt with profound sadness.

Been there.

aw, Erica, i'm sorry things have been not great for you lately! i don't have any really good advice but i have definitely been in the place where i have been sad/jealous/other negative emotion about a friend's good fortune, and i agree with carl and sarahell. you have to just feel it--at least you're also capable of being happy for her! recently a person i went to graduate school with got an amazing academic job and posted about it on facebook and i don't even want an academic job anymore, but it stung a little. it's human.