your terrible ideas

The traditional lyrics are:

Dead ant, dead ant
Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant
Dead ant

a line of artificial fruit drinks called After You Brush that taste good even right after you've brushed your teeth

a line of natural fruit drinks called 3 Hours Later... which you can enjoy after the effect of the toothpaste has worn off (a 2-pack of After You Brush and 3 Hours Later... could easily get you through the day)

an After You Brush test kit that uses a saliva sample to determine whether it's ok to drink fruit juice

an After You Brush phone app that texts you 3 hours after you've brushed your teeth to let you know that it's ok to drink fruit juice (but it isn't as accurate as the After You Brush test kit)

a line of toothpaste (secretly manufactured by a competitor of After You Brush) that doesn't affect the taste of fruit juice

you've really covered all the bases

^the toothpaste would be called Even After You Brush (xpost)

a chewing gum (secretly manufactured by After You Brush) called Fresh Breath that secretly contains sodium lauryl sulfate, the same chemical that makes fruit juice taste bitter after you've brushed your teeth. the popularity of Fresh Breath causes Even After You Brush's sales to plummet as consumers of both products are convinced that the toothpaste is useless

a breath spray called Fresher Breath (secretly manufactured by Even After You Brush slogan: "spray after you chew for even fresher breath!") that counteracts the effect of sodium lauryl sulfate, whether the source is toothpaste or gum

a scathing Michael Moore documentary called Truthpaste that exposes the sodium laurel sulfate racket

(ok, now I think I've covered all the bases)

yes, I posted too soon

I went to a Packers game last year at Lambeau field and there are dozens of bars around, some of which had ironic-but-not-that-ironic hair metal bands made up of people in their 30s and 40s playing in the parking lots for the drunken fans.

I think there ought to be a movie based on this somehow, with someone like Jack Black or Will Ferrell playing members of a band who end up in conflict with some young upstarts who are cashing in on the lucrative Lambeau field hair metal tailgating scene but aren't legit metal fans, with comic relief from wacky bratwurst vendors and a charter bus full of dudes like my father in law who rode down from Upper Michigan with a bunch of guys from his golf course and spent the weekend colossally wasted.

There should also be some scene where a mysterious stranger who looks like Vince Lombardi offers sage advice or a verbal ass-kicking right when our protagonist is at his lowest. But was he real, or just a figment of his imagination?

Eventually both bands team up or something to fight off a developer from CHICAGO who is secret BEARS FAN and the movie ends with scenes of them rocking out to each other's bands while drinking 16oz cans of Old Milwaukee and eating bratwurst covered with cheese curds at 10am.

This, by the way, is one of the bands I saw play:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LbJ1PXoe0-o

irl lol @ truthpaste

Start a moving company called Juicy Brutes. The theme song is just like Juicy Fruit - "Juicy Brutes, they're gonna move ya! Juicy Brutes, they get right to ya! Juicy Brutes, they're really really really gonna mooooove ya!". I would make the moving brutes wear shorts that say "JUICY" across the butt

― "reading specialist" (Z S), Tuesday, January 1, 2013 12:36 PM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

this pops into my head every time i consume Juicy Fruit

i forgot about that! i had better ideas when I was Z S, i'm past my prime

you had better terrible ideas, true. you've had some pretty great good ideas as Karl.

plus i can dunk now which is a major bonus

*reverse 360 slam*

i'm afraid i've always pictured Karl Malone as this guy:

http://www.luisescobarblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/The-missing-pieces-in-an-artist-knowledge.png

Here's a terrible idea: Marl Cologne by Karl Malone

Karl wears only Marl to bed

hi, i'm karl malone, and the only thing I wear when I go to bed is Marl. Marl Cologne by Karl Malone.

would buy

A credit agency based on how nice the applicant is
Karma Loans

Puddin' Pets

single-serve pudding in pet-shaped dispenser/container. just squeeze for a tasty stream of [your choice]-flavored pudding!

what, like they poo out the pudding?

I am progressive and support change and everything but the new version of the mel-o honey bear shits honey out of his asshole and that upsets me.

A song for the New Mexico tourism board that parodies Genesis' classic anti-Thatcher song to ask, "Can't you see this is a land of enchantment?"

a rap career as 'young rascal'

A sign similar to what libraries do, only instead of saying "The FBI has not asked us for our records" (they remove the sign if they get a request, passively letting customers know).

The sign would say "I do not eat the booty"

A Cat Cafe where you can smoke called 'Puss and Puff'

inspired by a trailer for The Wedding Ringer, a series of romantic comedies that rhyme with Wedding Singer.

Bringer, Zinger, Flinger, Pinger, Stringer, Winger, etc.

The Wedding Dinger, about the whacky goings-on at the Neu! drummer's nuptials

i have said this before but... a thriller based in the world of campanologists called 'Dead Ringers'.

Sayers missed a trick http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Nine_Tailors

(ha, thanks. just bought a copy for a bell ringer friend...)

heckle a band by actually bringing a guitar and belt clip amp into the show and playing it between songs, like instead of shouting "freebird!" you could PLAY freebird

Turkish Delight: The Musical

Highly "socially concerned" hip hop group called Hand Wringaz

Pearl Clutchaz

Dnah Zagnirw

(insert Europa League joke here)

vinylbox is a big box where you can rent vinyl records. instead of gas stations, grocery stores, and wal-marts, vinylbox will be located at cafes, head shops, and breweries. smaller versions located in burger joints and soda shoppes will let you 'rent' 78s immediately by playing the record for you through the location's sound system.

Reminiscent of this:

http://www.wonderingsound.com/vnyl-netflix-vinyl-subscription-service-albums/

which is also a terrible idea.

http://www.internetofuselessthings.io/

http://www.internetofuselessthings.io/dist/img/idea-thronemaster.jpg

I was friends with a bunch of dudes in high school, who insisted we all keep averages of how long we peed. They all thought it was funny that my average was so low (I was the only woman in the group.) My nickname was "eighteen seconds." I look back and think: what a bunch of assholes. Anyway, this would've saved us all some effort.

they were just jealous of your healthy prostate.

Wacky, League of Extraordinary Gentlemen-like IP wherein a famous Baroque composer is revived by desperate CIA men during the Cold War, and we follow his adventures behind the Iron Curtain: Bach in the USSR

I was friends with a bunch of dudes in high school, who insisted we all keep averages of how long we peed. They all thought it was funny that my average was so low (I was the only woman in the group.) My nickname was "eighteen seconds." I look back and think: what a bunch of assholes. Anyway, this would've saved us all some effort.

― pilate is my cogod (Crabbits), Friday, February 27, 2015 1:37 PM (4 days ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

they were just jealous of your healthy prostate.

― pplains, Friday, February 27, 2015 1:50 PM (4 days ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

that would be a surprising explanation

I take it you're not familiar with the pplains school of humor

or the women squirting prostate tissue school of...women squirting

man think before you speak crabbs

i would not have matched that comment with that username but hearty lolz ensued