no boys allowed in the room!!!!

bummer
on the other hand, i am impressed that you held firm to your requirements!

There's not much to "holding firm to my requirements". There's the understanding that if I tried to work 9 hour days with a 2-hour commute for three months, I'd likely end up in hospital. That is not a choice.

I've gotten little sleep this week, and my waking hours that have not been filled with baby have been filled with work, and I now have pink eye and god knows what else because yes, I live with an adorable little disease vector but also I'm so stressed from work I can't even think straight so in short, Branwell, you are my hero and I'm so glad that you made the right decision for yourself.

that's what i meant -- i've accepted jobs/more responsibility than i could handle at work and it has had a marked deleterious effect on my mental and physical health and it took me multiple years to recover -- totally feel u on that! i was proud and impressed that you said "never again".

<3 to you both!

I decided my Halloween costume is going to be Boo Berry; more specifically, cutting the Boo Berry mask off the back of the cereal box and wearing that with some pajamas.

I am realllly stoked for the half-assedness.

Oh except at work, me and the other teachers on my team are talking about going as the Village People, which was not my idea, believe it or not. I said dibs on construction worker or leather daddy.

Wear the boxes and be a cereal killer.

Be Valerie Perrine in Can't Stop the Music!

I bought purple lip tar last week, so I'm wearing that for Halloween.

im dark link

Aw, have fun in yr Halloween costumes, whether half-assed or... whole-assed? (Which member of the Village People wore the chaps, and how assed is that?)

I've just had such potentially good news that I don't even want to speak about it for fear of it not happening, but keep yr fingers crossed for me.

x'ed fings

lol @ whole assed

i was talking with my mom and she was in a particularly divulgey mood and we were talking about my difficulties wrt relating to ppl in this new way via music and she paused for a second and said, "i know i don't have to tell you this, but don't underestimate an old boys' network."

seemed worth sharing here because i don't know where else to put it. i think she is personifying the patriarchy but i'm not sure she didn't mean an actual (informal) network?

Like, in what way? Like, in terms of "dudes all stick together and do one another favours" (totally true) or that they have a network of contacts and gigs and the whole doing-shows-together as network thing?

I'm guessing a). My mom is a pretty good observer of behavior and she's been in many old boys situations over the years.

does she mean ppl are trying to exclude you to preserve an old boys network??

I have noooooo idea. She just said that and I was like huh that had never occurred to me but ??! So I asked y'all!

Sometimes it's not even that they are deliberately *trying* to exclude you, but they just don't see you as "part of the scene"? Like, if they were asked for a list of "people I could conceivably play with" they will list all their mates and your name will just not even come up. They just do not see you as one of the gang in that way?

Like, invite you to go and see one of their gigs, sure. Invite you to a jam session or add your band to the bill when the promoter asks who they'd like to play with... your name does not even cross their mind.

That was my experience of music scenes and networks.

oh totally, the "respected ppl in the scene" list is so often gonna be all dudes

i just wasnt sure if thats what the mom was trying to express!

i am not sure either, but i think this is super otm -- partially because i am not part of their gang but also because it's gonna take a lot more to even register as someone worth talking to
no question mark at the end of "in that way" either -- definitely a .
They just do not see you as one of the gang in that way?

Like, invite you to go and see one of their gigs, sure. Invite you to a jam session or add your band to the bill when the promoter asks who they'd like to play with... your name does not even cross their mind.

that's upside down but you get the drift

Sometimes it's not even that they are deliberately *trying* to exclude you, but they just don't see you as "part of the scene"? Like, if they were asked for a list of "people I could conceivably play with" they will list all their mates and your name will just not even come up.

Exactly, I've seen that play out a lot ... but to be fair, I feel like everybody does this to a certain extent, regardless of gender

yeah that's just the way of the arts afaict

though from everything my Chicago ex-pat pals tell me, Chicago's music scene is very boys club

There's a difference between "only the names of mates ever come up" (which is fair enough, everyone does) and "only the names of mates that are male ever come up" which is the difference between ordinary acts of omission, and an Old Boys' Club.

I could write you a novel about gender politics in music scenes... oh wait, I already have. ;-)

On another note:

Killjoy exhaustion. It's not so much that you're tired of pointing things out. It's that you're tired of the apparent need to point out things that should be really obvious.

You know when a topic hits you a little too close to home?

That.

chicago's scene is the most sexist/noxious ive ever encountered as an outsider

There are lots of little petri fishes

Omg whoops
I'm on zing
That was dishes and I wasn't done with sentence but I give up for now

Goddammit!!

BUT PETRI FISHES!

http://www.msc.org/where-to-buy/product-finder/cfpsproduct-6ACC1156-50C2-4752-945B-87662F1814DD/productImage_productpage

Sorry, gurls, I have to be serious again for a second.

Job interview today for an organisation I have a huge amount of respect for, working in a field I feel deeply, deeply, personally passionate about because: reasons, because: everything I believe in and hold dear, because: justice, equality and feminism.

BUT. But, but, but. It involves working every single day with deeply distressing, upsetting, and occasionally truly triggering shit. Good news: Do! Something! About! Said! Shit! Make a difference! Change lives! Change society! Put my ideals into action! But deep, deep worries about having the emotional strength and resilience to handle dealing with that stuff, every day, and having the boundary separation to leave it at work (I mean, I would not want to. I would want to live it and do something about it every second of every day. Which is impossible.) I worry about having the emotional distance from the topic to work in it.

I mean, I don't even know if I have a shot at the job, I don't know what they made of me and my interview and my chequered background.

But, but, but.

Damn, I have HAD. IT. with men who feel the need to tell me how I should feel and about what things. I have deeply, truly had it. I don't even have words any more to express how offensive I find that kind of thing, and how not-OK it is.

The next man who feels the need to inform me that I am 'angry' (because I am talking about gender issues or whatever), I am going to smile sweetly, assure him I'm not angry at all, and then calmly and cheerfully, preferably while singing jauntily, cut off his head with a plastic spork.

I think that should get the point across, right?

I am being SO REASONABLE AND CALM in discussions about street harassment on the internet today, I barely even recognize myself, but I fully support the spork project.

It's far, far easier for men to say things like "your anger is misplaced" than it is to say something like "your criticism is invalid" (when actually, your criticism is not invalid at all, they just don't like how they might be implicated in it). If you can reframe "criticism" (which is rational, and comes with the option that it may be applicable to them) as "anger" then it is much easier to evade, discredit and generally handwave away.

It's also tied up with another thing I've been thinking about - in terms of intent. The same people who insist things like "But I didn't meeeeaaaaaan to be ~offensive~" (therefore no harm could possibly have been done) and insist that their *intent* is sacroscant in their own statements - are often the very same people who project all kinds of emotions and intents onto the communications of women, e.g. the form of 'you're so angry!' (projecting anger as intention) instead of the (intended) message of 'you have criticism (that I do not like feeling implicated in).'

The intent of the speaker is of huge importance for them when speaking, especially when speaking to a marginalised person; but ~not so much~ when they are listening, especially when listening to a marginalised person. Like, which way is it, guys? Who gets to define 'intent'; speaker or listener? And why is it that the answer is so often 'the person on the up side of the privilege gradient' or, 'me'?

(This is not something I'm excepting myself from. This is something I have noticed in other people, but I am also examining in myself. I just find it interesting, and noteworthy.)

i just finished making my halloween costume!

i got on the elevator the other day after work and this guy looks at me and says "i don't think those shoes go with that suit"

i suppose he was trying to get my attention

i smiled and said "i know! they're so ugly!" and walked away

i was wearing nikes as commuter shoes, with slim trousers and a buttondown shirt and a blazer. it wasn't actually a proper suit.. and i looked quite well put together actually. the first thing he goes for is the put down. wtf!

"thanks! think yr face really goes with wall" [smashes his head into wall]

rude

Also I have just started saying 'rude' when people are rude to me

totally. i mean, i know how to dress. is it a gendered thing or am i crazy? people not even consciously realizing that they're doing it, but always acting like girls/women should be corrected in some way, told how to act, how to dress, how to do things, how to conform, etc. i'm quite certain he was trying to be friendly but if the first thing that pops into your head to say to me is a put down, nope, sorry. gotta go

i def have relatives who have a habit of trying to show friendliness through these mild teasing put downs and i just don't think it's actually me that's the problem for not appreciating being on the receiving end

I rarely get these types of comments from men, from anyone really. Not that I am "perfect" or that I believe my experience is "the norm" and yours isn't ... I just don't know.

Wearing trainers with work clothes seems to be something that particularly bothers some men: http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2007/jul/16/fashion.askhadley

lets all just let each other dress how we want to dress & fuck right off

Agreed. The person who criticizes my clothing gets a big NO stamp in my mental notebook.

I posted my first Craigslist ad (in the musicians section) today, surely not my last!

Good luck with the musical search, LL! Hope you find someone compatible & good to work with.

On the rest, jeez, wow! I can't even imagine how rude a stranger would have to be to comment on yr clothes like that, daria! Totally out of line! (even relatives who make those 'funny' negging comments, it's so unpleasant. I tell them they're being hurtful & ask them to stop.)

Today the weirdest thing happened - someone paid me a compliment! And it was casual and in passing but at the same time made me realise just how long it had been since the last time anyone did. I successfully resisted the urge to interrogate their motives or accuse them of lying and just said thanks and accepted it as a pleasant gesture from a friend. But compliments are still hard.