no boys allowed in the room!!!!

I'm becoming more and more convinced that I have some kind of motor skills issue like dyspraxia or something. I've always had no sense of balance, slow reactions, been worst in the class at sports/PE, needlework, etc. I spent years playing the guitar but never got past a slow, uneven lurch through the basics; I'd practise a new riff all evening and get it sounding OK and come back to it the next day and it'd be like I'd never played it before again.

I hate cooking because the chopping takes me ages and I can't coordinate all the different bits to be done in the same timeframe. My ex refused to be in the flat while I was cooking because he said he couldn't bear to watch me do it (possibly also because I'd usually get frustrated and shout/cry and bang things around, ahem). Oh yeah, and I can't ride or even get on a bike, or swim, or drive.

The only vaguely motor-skillsy thing I ever could do supposedly "well" was that people said I could draw well, when I was a small kid and doodled all day. I hated organised art lessons though and eventually the fun drained out of drawing. It occurs to me that what I actually liked/was "good" at was drawing from imagination and I was bad at drawing from "real life" i.e. not good at drawing at all. In fact, I think I was never even drawing what was in my imagination. I was just good at drawing a wiggly curvy line and whatever it came out like I could add different wiggly curvy lines until it looked like something, anything, something I'd never intended, usually unrepeatably. A sort of no-motor-skills-required approach to drawing, really.

Still, I know I have a habit of diagnosing myself with all the probably imaginary things, and once you leave school you're not going to get any official diagnoses so you just have to get over yourself and not get sad that you wanted to have a talent and maybe people would like you more if you weren't unable to dress presentably, or speak clearly without noises falling out of your mouth in a jumble, or if you could go cycling like all your acquaintances are way into etc. Right? Sigh.

"people said I could draw well, when I was a small kid and doodled all day"

PS possibly one of my favourite compliments I ever received was when a schoolfriend introduced me to someone new as "a good draw-er". I felt so proud! also "hey kid, you're a real good drawer, gonna build you into a chest of drawers some day" etc etc

anyway LL and Crabbitts and anyone else discovering new skills that make them happy, new ways to overcome physical deficiencies or anxieties, new anythings: that is awesome, I am so glad for you, and I hope you continue to become good at and/or feel good about new things (bcz I know it can't always be both, but if it can be one or the other, even a little, you're getting somewhere)

and once you leave school you're not going to get any official diagnoses so you just have to get over yourself

I'm sorry, but this just isn't true, from direct personal experience. And there are quite a few other ILX0rs who have Diagnoses of Things well into adulthood.

Granted, getting a diagnosis as an adult requires a level of self determination and perseverance (and sometimes going and camping in doctor's offices, repeating, "I think I have X, because of symptoms Y and Z, is there a test you can give me, or if not, is there a specialist you can send me to who can?" like a mantra until they realise that you are going to be difficult and not give up and go away) which can be like an unassailable mountain when you are already suffering from depression and self esteem issues.

Depression can be like that mountain that stands in the way. (And there's also sometimes the question of, is there really anything they can *do* about it once you're an adult? Even if it's just teach you coping skills? But you can research that on the web without leaving the comfort of bed.) But that's the kind of thing I certainly used to address with my therapist. Like, those ordinary things that other people seemed to manage perfectly fine, but I couldn't deal with (going to the doctor, calling the boiler engineer to fix the heating in February) I would actually sit down with my therapist and she would talk me through what it would take to get me walking on whatever path to get me up and through the mountain pass into the magical land of Having Heating or Seeing The Doctor And Getting Medicine For That Nagging Thing.

Mountains are tough, but if there's one thing that hiking and nature writing has taught me is that sometimes even fat heffalump schlubs like me can get up and over them.

OK, I still can't ride a fucking bicycle, but maybe someday. And maybe some day I'll learn to surf, too. Right after I have to re-learn to swim, again, for the fifth time.

Hey, I don't want to be a fucking cheerleader and be all "You! Too! Can climb mountains!" because really, fuck that, I want to punch that attitude in the face when people dare do it to me.

I am not underestimating the hugeness and insurmountableness of these kinds of things when you are living with depression. Mountains are a fucking problem.

But just trying to say, that for me, when I could still afford therapy, talking about THOSE FUCKEN MOUNTAINS, was a big help, for me. Your mileage and mountaineering efforts may be different.

Now I want to punch myself in the face, so I'm going to go and work on my "leaving the house today" badge.

Eh, I know. It's 20% that getting a diagnosis would cost £££ to see a private specialist and probably not actually result in any benefits (also you'll be told repeatedly that you can spell and draw a box between some dots and have a job so there can't possibly be anything wrong with you) and 80% "maybe I am just imagining it, I mean I can't have all these things wrong with me I keep deciding are wrong with me, and I don't really want the embarrassment of being a time-waster".

My old GP retired and I liked him a lot but he did have a slightly stuffy kids-just-need-a-stern-talking-to streak so I've never felt very free to go there with my GP, but maybe I will with the next one?

Though I've dropped hints about my latest imagined developmental and personality disorders to therapists I've been seeing about depression but IME asking about anything else (even a thing which might be an underlying cause of depression) just results in being told that it's the depression that makes you think any negative thoughts, whether they're that socialising is complicated and alien and people always expect you to get stuff that you aren't getting, or that you're clumsy and bad at things which other people don't even think are things. But maybe, just maybe...

(and tbf they probably just want to go "no, you mustn't believe you'll never get over that mountain, so agreeing there might be something innately un-mountain-climby about you would be counterproductive". Which is a fair attitude, really. And also I don't even know if I want coping skills - a little, but enough to work at them? - or just a badge to point to next time someone goes "everybody can ride a bike, why can't you x, why do you make such a big deal about tiny everyday things, bla" so I can officially not give a toss what they say. Which I suppose I could already try not giving, badge or no badge.)

on the bright side, i feel a renewed energy about this now that i have spewed my innermost feelings
thanks for listening
and really, i know it's not cool to be super posi all the time but i have to be or else i don't see any point in continuing anything
so let's get to it

yah the main thing that makes me feel better is just slowly getting better at shit
After 2 years of cycling I think I have outgrown my 3-gear bike! That or I am just covetous of the idea of a new bicycle.
I'm pretty clumsy and slow at a lot of things still but my thought now is not 'I suck' but 'everyone else is just going to have to learn patience'

Otm
I don't suck. I'm a student.

Learning is a complicated process and I believe the emotional component is up there with the proficiency component. Hence my work project.

love the term "inner rotten morrissey"

always keeping my IRM in check

loooooooooooool I never knew that as a Morissey song, I only know the Kirsty MacColl version.

That voice is loud and clear my own teenage/adolescent voice and it needs to be silenced for sure.

i can't even blame it on morrissey -- he just confirmed what i already thought was true
adolescence was a bummer avalanche
sorry guys this is totally embarrassing me and i need to stop talking about it

how about this nice weather eh

this is so good i made a pdf of it

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/09/28/opinion/sunday/learning-to-love-criticism.html

76 percent of the negative feedback given to women included some kind of personality criticism, such as comments that the woman was “abrasive,” “judgmental” or “strident.” Only 2 percent of men’s critical reviews included negative personality comments.

holy shit

love it

A friend of mine posted in despair on FB recently that she'd been bullied by her boss, cried because of it, and was frustrated to be informed her crying was "aggressive". WTF!?

nb: do not know if said boss was male or female, but I am just realising i find it curious that my knee jerk was to assume female.. hm.

i am so tired of the way men routinely talk to me that i am reaching some kind of breaking point

^^^^^^ this

tired of dudes who act like they know it all and are just kind of mediocre and unpleasant. whose mode of conversation is incessant snarky, smug, put down, dismissive comments about everything and anything (and especially about women). dude can't you roll your eyes at everything privately, without talking? that would be nice

(walks away/puts headphones back on)

I was looking for the cosine gif, but I can't find it since Google changed the GIS results format, but pretend I just posted an animated gif with a circle tracing a cosine and said "cosign".

my breaking point came when 2 guy friends joined a facebook conversation i was involved in the "bring reason into the argument" (while simultaneously accusing me of trying to "railroad" them, and invoking our friendship against my disagreeing with them). I posted a long-ass screed decrying every close male friend i have ever had and all the fucked up things they have done to me. the apologies have been pouring in! no care evar!

feeling righteous, woke up doing the bobby gillespie clap

gah that is the best feeling
feels so good to be free of emotional dead weight

new day rising!

I'm so sorry about the bobby gillespie clap, but you know there is a course of antibiotics you can get for that.

*boom-tish*

(Sorry, Roxy, couldn't resist. I am glad that you managed to clear the air.)

hahaha!

someday id like to do the same here, clearing the air about fucked up things people have done and said to me on ilx. not today tho

good luck with that :P

sorry shouldn't be such a cynic

and i will couple it with an apology for being a party to some, or loling in the background

https://scontent-b-lga.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/16757_10152473052402599_1267966067365539500_n.jpg?oh=7422ddb4ac95709b9820ab85a6a6588c&oe=54B4DA2C

dunno if I'm incredibly lucky or something, but my male friends do not pull shit like that with me, ever.

uh you are incredibly lucky. like someone born with 5 clits or something

there is one dude who is a member of the noise co-op I am also a member of who will sometimes be condescending in a way that we have discussed in this thread, but I don't consider that dude a friend.

lol at the five clits

or i mean maybe its not luck! maybe you project something that says "dont try it"

5 clits sounds like a recipe for lack of fulfillment

i've been thinking about this too. i think if i were friends with more "asshole" types this would happen more? but those guys generally don't want to be friends with me (nor i with them, honestly)
maybe that's not it
i dont know

also lol

posted a long-ass screed decrying every close male friend i have ever had and all the fucked up things they have done to me.

― jello my future biafriend (roxymuzak), Monday, October 6, 2014 10:23 AM (7 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

hero

that sounds amazing. i should do it. but i don't have any male friends anymore! maybe i can title my screed "this is why we're no longer friends"

There's a big difference between my male friends (none of whom are shitty; they would not be my friends if they did shitty things on the regular!) and men I know.

5 clits sounds like a recipe for lack of fulfillment

― sarahell, Monday, October 6, 2014 8:26 PM (Yesterday)

or 5x the odds??

otoh it makes me think of this cronenbergian sex toy

On Amazon? LOL, oh yeah! I remember discovering you could buy sex toys on Amazon. They really do ridiculous mark ups at porn stores...

i really do think that every conversation ive had, in real life and on the internet, in the past 10 days has included a man uptalking me or using my first name in a condescending way (actually, Emily), usually both

Erykah Badu: C /D, S&D

xp Argh, I got a version of that from a libertarian woman the other day, when I contradicted her on friend's FB. She was bigging up her gun ownership ("you'll need me and my gun when the shit hits the fan") as she told others that the correct response to poor Somalis asking for non-pork items at the local Twin Cities food shelf was 'shove a ham sandwich down their throats and bomb them back to ISIS'.

Fucking oxygen thief....

i want to start a "shit men say" thread, starting with:

you're not actually surprised by that, are you?

and

you're smart enough to know ___

lol I say those things. Clear case of laurelsplaining. Which might go a ways toward explaining why I don't notice men doing it to me.

i'm unfortunately acutely aware of condescending language
has made for lots of discomfort throughout the years