no boys allowed in the room!!!!

Veg, I will FB message you the same link I sent E. I've copied and pasted a ton of stuff from the board so that I can reflect on it. Paraphrasing some of that pretty closely to reflect my own experience:

Something that's been a real game-changer is thinking about what MY happiest, best approach to food might look like. It's entirely possible to have goals that are related to sustainable body changes that are geared to making you feel awesome, and other, just-as-important goals about food enjoyment, and Have It All. Food enjoyment might entail stuff like deciding to try every flavour of Ben & Jerry's or have pizza for breakfast regularly or never go a day without a nut butter or whatever floats your boat.

BUT, drop/tweak the things that you don't enjoy and won't miss, and addd in foods and behaviours you do want, rather than just cutting stuff out.

So it becomes like a sort of relaxed, curious, playful game where you win at getting the most enjoyment from your food every day. You remove the feeling of being constantly negative, broken, trying to control everything, 'at war'. No deadlines or pressure, no foods ruled out. The most important thing is long-term consistency with the broad patterns, not short term inflexibility.

I discovered all this stuff last October. I've been through a few phases since then: 1. unbridled joy at eating whatever I damn well want. 2. clinging to that a bit too much and eating more than I actually wanted. Sort of proving to myself I was allowed. 3. Slowly realizing that this was not only 'not worth it' in some theoretical sense, like 'not supposed to be worth it but I secretly love it', but actually, objectively no fun. I had to do it over and over and over again to be sure! 4. eating less. I only got to 'eating less' in about July. I'm finding clothes are looser now, and that's happening very, very slowly, and that's absolutely fine by me.

I'm doing 0 exercise except walking, and not even that much walking. I'd like to do more, but this kind of approach to eating is totally decoupled from any formal exercise at all.

^^^ this is where I want to be

I am so excited to be doing this and have just started to read some of the stuff on the boards. So far I haven't counted a single calorie but have continued to make healthy choices. I'm recording where I am on the hunger scale and how I feel after eating. I'm also eating a lot more slowly and listening to my body as best I can. It's been pretty interesting so far. I have a busy week coming up so don't know how much I'll be able to devote to learning more but I'm going to keep doing this and dig deeper as soon as I can.

:)

Nice! I don't use the hunger scale because it focuses me a bit too much on each bite (what about now? what about NOW?) but I do try to keep a background awareness of how full I'm getting. Mostly I try to 'pre-decide' how much is going to satisfy me and hold me a good few hours, and then just eat that, and I get better at that over time (there's a lot about pre-deciding on the boards)

Today was triggery. I just typed out a big long post about "false" rape accusations and the narrative surrounding them, but I don't have the energy to deal with the fall-out and the flappy-headed little boys today.

Someone can be falsely accused of murder, but it doesn't seem to mean that murder "isn't real" and all murder victims somehow faked it. Someone can be falsely accused of theft, but it doesn't seem to mean that theft "isn't real", and all theft victims made it up. But the existence of one single false rape accusation somehow often just gets twisted to mean that rape is ~not really a thing~, and all women are liars.

And I've just been sent down the awfully triggery memory hole about that time that I really, really was raped, and had the bruising and the vaginal injuries to prove it, but because I'd been drinking, and had a history of mental illness, the police pressured me into dropping the whole thing. And that's not a fun place to be. Especially not for the amusement and self-righteous flapping-headedness of little boys who muuuuuust discuss these pressing issues to maintain some edgy, contrarian stance.

im so sorry, branwell. it's so wrong

yeah
I hear this 'police pressured me into dropping it' a lot, and each time I'm shocked, partly because it seems almost a piteous cliche now that surely we MUST be past but no, it's apparently reality for A LOT of people.

You know, when it happened, I was like, shit, I am a bad feminist, and a bad rape victim and it's my fault for not being stronger, and choosing to focus on trying to get on with my life and crumbling in the face of the realisation that the police were far more interested in researching my life than catching the assailant. But the more women I've talked to, and the more times I've heard the same story, it's like, no, this is a thing. But oh no! It's just anecdata, and men are the real victims here, etc blah blah.

But, y'know, when having certain conversations carries an emotional cost for certain parties in them, that means those voices get marginalised further because you can't have another conversation again.

And of course I'm thinking to myself "this is my fault that I'm walking around with this tempest in my head now." (Oh! I finally worked out what would stop the tempest again. Start drinking. Breaking mine own rules over not drinking because I'm upset.) Because I was not in a great place to start with today, no sleep, sinus headache, rude headhunter ringing at 8am, super stressed over job situation, bummed out over deceased friend's birthday yesterday, 0 stretch room for absorbing any extra give and take, and boom there it is.

Broken record, this shit is so boring. And yet it still has the capability to mess you up when you least expect it.

really otm, esp this
Broken record, this shit is so boring. And yet it still has the capability to mess you up when you least expect it.

this one hit me right in the gut after i realized how many times i had brushed it under the carpet because it was easier than dealing with it head on

http://www.rookiemag.com/2014/09/harassment-at-work/

When one feels bad for not-saying-something, but even worse for saying something. :-/

The exhaustion, vs the fear of making things even worse.

Man, this sounds awful, but if I could go back and not report getting raped to the police, I would never have done so. It was a horrible process, and ended up with 0 effect on the bad guy and a long, drawn-out, ugly pile of bullshit for me. The only thing I can figure is if I didn't do it, I would probably feel guilty about not having done so. People said all kinds of stupid things like, "What if he's doing the same thing to his daughter?" (who was 2 years old). That seems...improbable. Thanks for the consolance, though.

I made a lot of comics about talking to the cops at the time and they are not any good. Very solipsistic. And nothing I'd want to share or look at now. But that got me through it.

Something can have been "the right thing to do" at the time, and still be something you would never in a million years ever do again if you could go back.

I mean, if I got a magic do-over wand on my life, I probably wouldn't have gone to the police. But if I had that magic do-over wand, I wouldn't have gone out that night, or gone to that bar, or ... *insert missing memories here* ... that ended with me coming round from total unconsciousness with a guy on top of me assaulting me. But it's the *missing memories* which were unfortunately a huge part of my life, at that stage of my life, which complicate everything so much. The guilt that I don't know, and will never know the full story. The guilt that it was my fault.

But Crabbits, knowing that you had pretty much the most straightforward story, and STILL got fucked over by the "justice" system. It's like, OK, stop blaming myself, even if I had those memories, chances are, it would not have changed the outcome. I am so sorry that you went through that awful process. I am so sorry that the long, ugly, drawn-out pile of bullshit happened and this is a world where these things exist.

I'd like to not lose another day to having that particular set of memories rattling around my head.

I'm tired of having to be strong about this all the time.

I'd like for once in my life, not to be seen as the problem or seen as ~controversial~ or wicked or terrible or, y'know, the whole "OMG, attention seeking!" trope, but as someone who has been badly damaged, and who is vulnerable.

I'd like to be given the benefit of the doubt which gets handed out regularly to people who have acted a lot worse than I have.

But, like, allowing yourself to be vulnerable in public means opening yourself up to every flapping-head boy who thinks it's a fun game "that person has a weak spot, let's follow them around poking it."

At the moment, I am not coping with this. But I reserve the right to be treated as a human being who is not coping.

i respect u ~*~ <3

I finally have a bicycle-riding fitness buddy who is cool with me being leagues behind others at rate of fitness progress.
She's cool and smart and shy and the huffy-puffy isolation of the bike trail is a great time to socialize.
Also a great time to be silent together.
This is the first time I've had a buddy to get real with where we're not drinking in order to get real.
It's cool.

Also I hope LL doesn't feel like I'm ripping her off when I announce I signed up for a couple lessons at a local drums tudio.
Percussion class was my DREAM in sixth grade but my parents forbade me joining it, saying it "wasn't for girls."
I was so deeply jealous of the one girl in that percussion class.

I might suck ass at drumming but at least I will KNOW EMPIRICALLY.

i wish you the best, as always
i was hoping you would play guitar so we could start a band but this is what you want!

i'm feeling kinda moderately low about it tbh because i am trying really hard to make things happen and it doesn't seem to be enough
i love playing and i am getting better all the time and am trying to be proud of myself without seeming like a braggart and what i want is really quite modest but i feel like there is something cosmically telling me that i haven't earned it yet or i don't deserve it, that i waited too long and have too many hangups and am too old and too whatever to be taken seriously, therefore everything i attempt is going to fail in spite of it being completely achievable for many people i know

that is bumming me out but the act of the drumming, no -- that is still extremely enjoyable and is going really well. i think it was definitely something i could have been doing a long time ago if i had had the opportunity.

so embarrassing clicking post on that but there it is

had the opportunity --> given myself the opportunity

don't listen to that inner rotten morrissey

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bf1g00qbv10

my private solution with 'art' that i am already good at – drawing – is to cut myself down before ever getting the chance to feel like the tall poppy
it's just for my private enjoyment
it's just to express personal things
it's just a cute piffle for someone's birthday card
it's something that if I do feel deeply about to obfusticate it in a million oblique angles so no one can ever get what it was behind it

I feel your shit, LL! Everything is too ___. I wish I could jam out with you but my secret dream play along is the chapman stick! I did look into getting skype lessons but it was just too cost prohibitive.

I was in occupational therapy for motor skills stuff for the first 5 years of school; I am legitimately 'delayed' in that area. I didn't feel good at anything physical until a few years ago. It gives me hope but I have been too self-conscious to do anything but solo pursuits at anything until now. And I still suck and am slow and demand more patience than may have. So I hope this drum teacher is OK. Will have to be OK that I can never be K8 Bush or Tony Chapman.

blurgh Tony Levin obv

part of my problem is that i am not an artist
i am not a person who has "expressed myself" via any artistic medium
it's new for me to express myself at all, at least publicly

it's not something i'm proud of :-/

i don't even know what the tall poppy is (i've heard the phrase but it has never applied to me personally)

anyway the whole process is excruciating but i feel it has been good for me and necessary, if overly fraught
i just don't want this emotional part to interfere with my ability to make my shit happen
and that's what i'm afraid of
the end

also record some of your initial impressions and i could use them (with your permission) in my presentation that i am trying to put together for work about the intersection of language learning and music learning!!

and yeah that song is basically my inner voice from the age of 14

if you can deal with some shitty phone recordings then, yes!
By 'tall poppy' I mean I want to stand out but I am terrified of doing so because the pain of getting cut down is too painful
I think you are a cool person and I could wax on that a lot but sometimes it's not good to put someone on the spot

I love your blond wig collage thing and think of it often

wait wait what did I just say

i know what you mean
that was a big deal for me!

all of the recordings i've one have been shitty phone recordings -- those are no problem, but i mean record your thoughts! your feelings before and after. they're fleeting, so i think it's impt to catch them right at the beginning.
and thanks. i appreciate it. i cherish each and every time someone steps out on a limb and says something nice about something i've made.

do you believe in a silent period in music learning??

Ha, my life from 5-37 was my silent period! Listening, absorbing, learning patterns. Yeah, in a way I think so. Not formally though. I tried to not get caught in the trap of being afraid to produce sounds from the beginning this time.

Oops one --> DONE above

haha makes sense
well I'll keep you posted

"tall poppy syndrome" is a very common expression in new zealand but i've had to explain it to a few americans.

there is a broad (ugh, sorry) range of skill levels for drumming -- even people that regularly get on stage and play, some only play very basic, not-particularly fast, and that is fine, if that is fulfilling, because ultimately, it's primarily about making yourself happy and having fun.

As someone who initially had aspirations towards being "professional," deciding that playing music was something I do to make myself happy/keep from going insane, and that I would be better off just being "an amateur" -- it was a real relief. Not that I don't have "issues" about it, but focusing less on the comparing myself to others in terms of attention, praise, whether people would respond differently if I were male ... has been very helpful

Also Crabbits, as a scooter-rider, you probably have good balance, which will help if you're playing a drum kit

If you mean by "silent periods" that you take breaks between playing, that's actually a good idea. For learning any new skill (languages or motor skills like learning an instrument) then frequent practice with rest periods inbetween is way better than just one long practice. The brain needs time to process what you've learned, and move it from short-term memory to long-term memory. If you find you're dreaming about the thing you're trying to learn that's a *really* good sign, in terms of memory acquisition.

I don't want to go all hippie and say "everybody's an artist!!!" no, really, *everybody* has the ability to be an artist. Everybody has a unique story, and things to express, and a voice to be heard. Especially you, LL.

I think for some people the hard part is accepting that you have a right to tell your story, and the faith that there might be other people out there who are willing to - or even want to - hear what you say! (typical Branwell thing to say, but: that automatic expectation that some people seem to just have, that they have a right to assume, or even demand an audience - that's not necessarily Being An Artist. Sometimes that's just an expression of Privilege.) There are times when even the whole thing of "I have the right to exist, the right to take up space - in my own life, and on the wall - and to make noise and be heard" is a very hard thing to believe. And there are so many people out there who enjoy squishing other people and their dreams, who will tell you 'you don't', if they have half a chance. But I'm here to tell you that you do, you do have that right. Make noise. Take up space. Enjoy yourself.

And you, too, Crabbitts! (Sorry, I thought I said your name earlier; I have not had my second cup of tea yet.) Be the tallest damned poppy on the block!

Like, seriously, there are people who are gonna try to cut you down just for the audacity of thinking you could be a poppy. So be the tallest damn poppy anyone's ever seen.

I miss making music more than I miss almost anything else, it feels like a phantom limb, sometimes, it still hurts and it still aches. I probably miss making music - with other people, that is - more than I miss having sex with other people, and haha, I've done it more recently.

I find it so hard to make music even for myself these days. I tried getting a guitar to keep on the end of my bed, but I play it like once a month. Often by accident, like, I'll pick it up to move it, and the heft of it in my hands feels like "oh, I remember how to do this" and start mucking about, playing fake Kessler-riffs to make fun of him. And for about ten, twenty minutes, I'll be all "wah-hey, this is so much fun! why did I stop this?"

And then I turn around to share the riff with someone else, and bounce it off someone and see what they play back at me - because that is the most fun, and the most tight and most glorious form of communication I know, the call and response of 'you play the guitar bit, I'll work out a bassline' and suddenly there is this joyful burst of music and you're laughing with your bandmate because that kind of closeness of making songs together it's better than sex - and of course there is no one there, so I put the guitar back down and think "what the fuck was I thinking? I don't play guitar any more."

Like, I can't be bothered to go through with it, if there's no one to share it with. And that's when the phantom limb aches real bad.

I'm becoming more and more convinced that I have some kind of motor skills issue like dyspraxia or something. I've always had no sense of balance, slow reactions, been worst in the class at sports/PE, needlework, etc. I spent years playing the guitar but never got past a slow, uneven lurch through the basics; I'd practise a new riff all evening and get it sounding OK and come back to it the next day and it'd be like I'd never played it before again.

I hate cooking because the chopping takes me ages and I can't coordinate all the different bits to be done in the same timeframe. My ex refused to be in the flat while I was cooking because he said he couldn't bear to watch me do it (possibly also because I'd usually get frustrated and shout/cry and bang things around, ahem). Oh yeah, and I can't ride or even get on a bike, or swim, or drive.

The only vaguely motor-skillsy thing I ever could do supposedly "well" was that people said I could draw well, when I was a small kid and doodled all day. I hated organised art lessons though and eventually the fun drained out of drawing. It occurs to me that what I actually liked/was "good" at was drawing from imagination and I was bad at drawing from "real life" i.e. not good at drawing at all. In fact, I think I was never even drawing what was in my imagination. I was just good at drawing a wiggly curvy line and whatever it came out like I could add different wiggly curvy lines until it looked like something, anything, something I'd never intended, usually unrepeatably. A sort of no-motor-skills-required approach to drawing, really.

Still, I know I have a habit of diagnosing myself with all the probably imaginary things, and once you leave school you're not going to get any official diagnoses so you just have to get over yourself and not get sad that you wanted to have a talent and maybe people would like you more if you weren't unable to dress presentably, or speak clearly without noises falling out of your mouth in a jumble, or if you could go cycling like all your acquaintances are way into etc. Right? Sigh.

"people said I could draw well, when I was a small kid and doodled all day"

PS possibly one of my favourite compliments I ever received was when a schoolfriend introduced me to someone new as "a good draw-er". I felt so proud! also "hey kid, you're a real good drawer, gonna build you into a chest of drawers some day" etc etc

anyway LL and Crabbitts and anyone else discovering new skills that make them happy, new ways to overcome physical deficiencies or anxieties, new anythings: that is awesome, I am so glad for you, and I hope you continue to become good at and/or feel good about new things (bcz I know it can't always be both, but if it can be one or the other, even a little, you're getting somewhere)

and once you leave school you're not going to get any official diagnoses so you just have to get over yourself

I'm sorry, but this just isn't true, from direct personal experience. And there are quite a few other ILX0rs who have Diagnoses of Things well into adulthood.

Granted, getting a diagnosis as an adult requires a level of self determination and perseverance (and sometimes going and camping in doctor's offices, repeating, "I think I have X, because of symptoms Y and Z, is there a test you can give me, or if not, is there a specialist you can send me to who can?" like a mantra until they realise that you are going to be difficult and not give up and go away) which can be like an unassailable mountain when you are already suffering from depression and self esteem issues.

Depression can be like that mountain that stands in the way. (And there's also sometimes the question of, is there really anything they can *do* about it once you're an adult? Even if it's just teach you coping skills? But you can research that on the web without leaving the comfort of bed.) But that's the kind of thing I certainly used to address with my therapist. Like, those ordinary things that other people seemed to manage perfectly fine, but I couldn't deal with (going to the doctor, calling the boiler engineer to fix the heating in February) I would actually sit down with my therapist and she would talk me through what it would take to get me walking on whatever path to get me up and through the mountain pass into the magical land of Having Heating or Seeing The Doctor And Getting Medicine For That Nagging Thing.

Mountains are tough, but if there's one thing that hiking and nature writing has taught me is that sometimes even fat heffalump schlubs like me can get up and over them.

OK, I still can't ride a fucking bicycle, but maybe someday. And maybe some day I'll learn to surf, too. Right after I have to re-learn to swim, again, for the fifth time.

Hey, I don't want to be a fucking cheerleader and be all "You! Too! Can climb mountains!" because really, fuck that, I want to punch that attitude in the face when people dare do it to me.

I am not underestimating the hugeness and insurmountableness of these kinds of things when you are living with depression. Mountains are a fucking problem.

But just trying to say, that for me, when I could still afford therapy, talking about THOSE FUCKEN MOUNTAINS, was a big help, for me. Your mileage and mountaineering efforts may be different.

Now I want to punch myself in the face, so I'm going to go and work on my "leaving the house today" badge.

Eh, I know. It's 20% that getting a diagnosis would cost £££ to see a private specialist and probably not actually result in any benefits (also you'll be told repeatedly that you can spell and draw a box between some dots and have a job so there can't possibly be anything wrong with you) and 80% "maybe I am just imagining it, I mean I can't have all these things wrong with me I keep deciding are wrong with me, and I don't really want the embarrassment of being a time-waster".

My old GP retired and I liked him a lot but he did have a slightly stuffy kids-just-need-a-stern-talking-to streak so I've never felt very free to go there with my GP, but maybe I will with the next one?

Though I've dropped hints about my latest imagined developmental and personality disorders to therapists I've been seeing about depression but IME asking about anything else (even a thing which might be an underlying cause of depression) just results in being told that it's the depression that makes you think any negative thoughts, whether they're that socialising is complicated and alien and people always expect you to get stuff that you aren't getting, or that you're clumsy and bad at things which other people don't even think are things. But maybe, just maybe...

(and tbf they probably just want to go "no, you mustn't believe you'll never get over that mountain, so agreeing there might be something innately un-mountain-climby about you would be counterproductive". Which is a fair attitude, really. And also I don't even know if I want coping skills - a little, but enough to work at them? - or just a badge to point to next time someone goes "everybody can ride a bike, why can't you x, why do you make such a big deal about tiny everyday things, bla" so I can officially not give a toss what they say. Which I suppose I could already try not giving, badge or no badge.)

on the bright side, i feel a renewed energy about this now that i have spewed my innermost feelings
thanks for listening
and really, i know it's not cool to be super posi all the time but i have to be or else i don't see any point in continuing anything
so let's get to it

yah the main thing that makes me feel better is just slowly getting better at shit
After 2 years of cycling I think I have outgrown my 3-gear bike! That or I am just covetous of the idea of a new bicycle.
I'm pretty clumsy and slow at a lot of things still but my thought now is not 'I suck' but 'everyone else is just going to have to learn patience'

Otm
I don't suck. I'm a student.

Learning is a complicated process and I believe the emotional component is up there with the proficiency component. Hence my work project.

love the term "inner rotten morrissey"

always keeping my IRM in check

loooooooooooool I never knew that as a Morissey song, I only know the Kirsty MacColl version.

That voice is loud and clear my own teenage/adolescent voice and it needs to be silenced for sure.

i can't even blame it on morrissey -- he just confirmed what i already thought was true
adolescence was a bummer avalanche
sorry guys this is totally embarrassing me and i need to stop talking about it

how about this nice weather eh

this is so good i made a pdf of it

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/09/28/opinion/sunday/learning-to-love-criticism.html