no boys allowed in the room!!!!

Those who restrain desire, do so
because theirs is weak enough to be
restrained; and the restrainer or
reason usurps its place and governs
the unwilling.

And being restrained, it by degrees
becomes passive, till it is only the
shadow of desire.

Those are just some words I live by.

IN OTHER NEWS, recent yucky news events are on my mind. I listened to The Anthology of American Folk Music, vol. 1, while cooking up a big-ass meal of arepas & fixins for company. All the songs about women and the bad ends they meet, and their strength and hardships in courting, were really cathartic for me. I heard them all in a different and moving way – when I was 17 and first got obsessed w/those albums, it was "dude these songs are so DARK, they're all about MURDER and shit, also they're OLD." When I listened to it last night, the stories they told seemed real! I could totally envision like a movie in my mind their lives and woes!

It was jarring to hear this refrain, "all the girls wouldn't have him":

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nOVcN23-3ek

But it lost its "yucky news resonance" because the guy is a figure of fun. Also yuck at "jumped Jim Crow."

"Willie Moore," always a favorite, stood out, too:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h2wMe8s9mCc

Lots of time devoted to Annie, the person who took her life only named in initials – I thought, that's how the levels of attention should be balanced in these affairs.

Those who restrain desire, do so
because theirs is weak enough to be
restrained; and the restrainer or
reason usurps its place and governs
the unwilling.

And being restrained, it by degrees
becomes passive, till it is only the
shadow of desire.

This just made me so sad because it's kind of how I feel about everything in life at the moment.

But then again, I also feel kinda like disconnect from desire is a very powerful philosophy and not really wanting anything is a state of power, and resists the control that would be exerted over you by people who want to enslave you with desire.

But desire for what is the question. Desire as in lust? Desire as in cupidity and greed? Desire as in wanting consumer goods and ~lifestyle products~? Desire to experience the sensory joy of eating a damn ice cream?

Dark old folk music and the like can be a v v positive experience, though, because so many of the things one thinks of as being ~modern complaints~ about the difficulty of human relationships turn out to date back to the beginning of time. So there's a comfort that you're not alone, even if there's no comfort in how shit things have been for so long.

i made arepas for my speech class! also grim folk songs are always going to feel like home. also three cheers for pleasure and sensualism beyond the bedroom.

(i made a chicken thing to go on the arepas, didn't just fling them around like little frisbees)

Today I am mostly vacillating back and forth between "looking at pictures of beautiful men makes me happy" and "looking at pictures of beautiful men creates expectations which can never be fulfilled and makes me unhappy" and feeling weird and guilty about desire.

I have new PC speakers which is making my music sound 3000% better and also there are three peelies on them which I will resist peeling for as long as I can

I have no interest in beautiful men. I do have any interest in beautiful women, though.

It's complicated.

I tried on everything at Uniqlo and now I have like 200% more body positivity work to do. Fucking store.

Ugh god. I hear you so hard on that. I think I need to be sedated to go through fitting room anxiety anymore. It's always such a horrible experience.

Shopping is the worst.

Uniqlo has really good men's socks, just fyi.

I bought some of those silver oxfords at Target for $8.96 yesterday (70% off!) and that was ok, but nothing ever fits me so yeah, shopping suuuuuuux

Target's boot cut (not skinny) jeans are actually pretty flattering and comfortable

I got some great jeans there too! They're high rise, hit directly at ankle which is like a miracle for me.

ooh that's good to know.

i have made the mistake (twice) of buying skinny jeans in my size at target -- and it gave me great sympathy for teenage girls

I have pretty much decided that the only jeans I will wear from now on are these elastic waist jeggings (they are denim, though, not like knit or anything so they look like jeans) because they are super comfortable and look reasonable on me. Hopefully when skinny jeans become hopelessly outdated, this company will make the same pants in straight leg or boot cut or sneaker bottom or clog fray or sandal peg whatever exciting thing comes next w/r/t the width of jeans cuffs. But even if they don't, fuck it I am a 41 year old midwestern mother* who cares if my jeans are stylist.

*I made Velveeta and Rotel tomato cheese dip last weekend, even. OWNING IT.

carl who makes your jeggings?

American somethingorother? Rag? I got them at Macy's, then liked them so much I went back and bought three more pairs when they went on sale. Like I could tell you where to find them in the Chicago State Street Macy's but I can't remember the brand name. I'll confirm when I get home, though.

I do have to take the waist in but I have to do that with all of my pants so I don't hold that against them.

Uniqlo just have really crazy sizing, IIRC. (I haven't shopped there in years, but even when I was thinner, I always took a size larger than I took at any other shop. And this is with UK sizing running smaller then US sizing, as well!)

I p much don't bother buying trousers or jeans anywhere else except Marks & Sparks any more. I get really happy when I shop there and have to ask the assistant "these are too big, please could you fetch me a smaller size?" (Also, they do the best skinny ties. I really appreciate that they do most colour ties in like 3 different widths: Kipper, Office Worker, Mod.)

I think Macy's sells a brand called American Rag. I have a bag by them - maybe that's it?

I am pretty sure that's it, yeah. I don't see them on Macy's website, though. :( I must have bought them all.

I am a big fan of target's denizen skinnies. I wish they were high waisted but the petite length is just right on me. They dont stretch out, either.

Uniqlo is momentarily forgiven because I bought three awesome dresses and a tube skirt. VERY CONFUSINGLY I need a Small in all their knit dresses but BARELY fit into their largest pant size and that's only by dint of hiking those stovepipes up my thigh meat one leg at a time.

Have already tried on with all my jewelry and shoe options. Very excited to always look awesome this summer!

omg I just looked at the site

DID YOU GET A STRIPED DRESS?

No! Two of the 3 dresses I bought aren't even shown on their site anymore, they must have cycled them out already? But I went for the Cache-Coeur drape dress, which is better looking on. Our Brooklyn store didn't have any of the print or sundress styles in.

I got a pretty skip from there, in a weird mauve color, but it's unwearable because it rides up to my boobs in 5 mins!

Slip not skip

Listen tho, silver oxfords are NIRVANA. Inspired choice, LL.

I have my first (of three) "perfect fit skirt" sewing classes this weekend! We make a muslin pattern from scratch to our measurements.

Today I go shopping for the fabric. So Many Choices.

(Aside to Kinder: I did get what you were saying, and I appreciate it, and thanks.)

My grandma is dying. She's been in decline for a while. My mom has a pragmatic, tough attitude about her family members dying. It's unusual, but I'm fine with it. Here's how the call went the other day.

MOM: Hey, you made it! The school year's over.
ME: Hooray!
HER: I don't want to keep you too long. I just thought I'd let you know, grandma's not talking anymore, and things are getting worse. The next time I call it'll be to let you know she's dying.
[I offer my condolences, say I hope it's quick and easy for her...not totally sure how to react because she doesn't sound sad at all but otoh I know that's not her style...blah blah blah...]
MOM: I don't want you to think I would be acting this way if you were dying. I'm glad you're still alive!
ME: I promise to stay that way as long as I can.
HER: *rioutous, sustained laugher* ...oh, kid, you crack me up!

So, that's how I found out my grandma's dying!

A conversation with no tears, only laughter. My family!

TBH I kinda feel the same way about it. When I was a kid and feeling all CONFESSIONAL and TABOO with my siblings, you'd ask those scary questions like, "If mom and dad got divorced, who would you want to live with?" And, the most solemn, "When grandma dies, do you think you'll be able to cry?" I wasn't ever sure the answer could be yes. She's tough to get close to, and my mom has even more reason...she basically supported both of her parents and her siblings since she was old enough to be able to. Not sentimental about her childhood or family at all.

Families are so weird in all their dynamics! But I'm still sorry to hear about your Gran.

my mother is really weird about her mother, too. They don't seem to love each other at all. I am pretty sure my grandmother had some sort of attachment disorder from being adopted (she was in and out of orphanages until she was 4), and my mother sort of didn't really know how to be... warm and maternal as a result. I should just save this sort of stuff for therapy.

I'm learning all kinds of amazing shit about my relaysh with mine and how that's impacted me and, man, is it heavy.

My mother's mom was dragged off to an institution as the kids looked on, because she had a psychotic post-partum break after my youngest uncle was born, so in hindsight my mother realises just how many aspects of parenting she had to sort of make up as she went along, not having any 'mother' cues to fall back upon based on her own childhood (my grandfather did a pretty good job, considering all the BS he had to deal with just to raise four kids virtually solo as a man in the 1950s). It's probably the reason our arguments can be a kind of one-on-one warfare, because there's less 'I am the parent and you are the child' normal/static boundaries that most of my other friends have had to negotiate.

Well, my grandma died. Everyone's grieving or not grieving in their own way. I guess my youngest brother punched some holes in the wall. He really loved her.

My grandma juts kind of did whatever guys in her life told her, my mom says. She married a guy right out of high school and had kids right away. He wouldn't allow her to learn to drive. He was an alcoholic and abusive, and weird – he raised pigs in the backyard, and bees. My mom was the second oldest kid – her older sister is developmentally delayed. At 14 she got a job at a gas station and got paid under the table, less than minimum, so she could save up and buy a sewing machine to make her and her four siblings clothes. This was in the early 1970s. My mom won't talk about her family or childhood much – I've just pieced all this together, mostly from things my dad would yell at her when they were fighting!

Grandma would say things like, "The whole world went to Hell when they started letting women wear pants to work." She'd come and visit and say things to my mom like, "You need to do something about the boy Crabbits is dating," right in front of me, like I was invisible. I was afraid of her as a kid, had that kind of passive aggressive relationship with her as a teen, but I still tried to keep in touch as a grown up. I'd mail her photos and cards a couple times a year. She rarely wrote back. About seven years ago, she would write back, but she'd sign the card as "your aunt," and not "your grandma." Or she'd use her sister's name instead of her own. Her dog (she had a black dog named Spook – do you see why we weren't close?) and bird died a long time ago, but she still acted like they were there. She'd been dying a long time.

Oh, Crabbits, that sounds fraught and difficult, and I'm sorry it's so complicated. I don't think you want condolences, though I'd offer them if you did, but mostly just thinking of you. x

I just talked to my mom and she said, "I don't have time to be sad now, but in six months I'll have to delete her from my cell phone contacts, and I'll be sad then." :(

Oof that is poignant.

Echoing BB. Condolences if you want them, but also a recognition that death in the family, even when it's not the way it's "supposed" to go carries a lot of emotional weight. Take care of yourself.

Sorry to hear that Crabbits, fwiw.

Your grandmother sounds a bit like my great aunt. Sour old lady who bossed around my nan even though nan was the only one who gave a shit about her & she would have been homeless without nan's care. She always glared at me. Nan would have me draw pictures for her & she'd just stare at them for a moment & drop them at my feet. Mean old lady she was.

my mom's mom was very similar. i found out after she died that she got permanently mad at me in 1991 for bringing a friend to a family function and held that against me until she stopped talking to me altogether in 1996 because she thought it was unwise of my parents to allow me to go to colombia during my year abroad in college. she died a few years ago, i don't even remember when, and i cried (at work in front of my class) but mostly because she was so miserable and it was sad to me that a person could live an entire life being that miserable and resentful and not do anything about it. she was a talented and inventive home cook, that's what i got from her i guess. she taught me what asafetida was when i was 7 or 8. she made clothes for me too, at least until she decided that she didn't like me anymore.

i think i posted something when she died because my mom and aunt found all these bags of $20 bills in her closet. i could look it up but why bother. anyway, you're not alone in having a grandma like that. i have plenty of other examples, but why bother typing them out. they're all the same!