no boys allowed in the room!!!!

I need to read that!!!

Well, this week I've just been eating what I want. I'm eating carbs. And I'm finding... whoa, I actually have energy. CRAZY.

Reading all this, taking it in. I have had my own issues, even this week, but I don't want to pass it down to August. I did feel ashamed for all the bullshit I went through this past week with the whole swim suit thing, body thing. I am 43 and felt 14 about my body and self-esteem. Working out is a mental fix for me and I'd feel better about so much more if I could stay moving on a regular basis. I hope to get there and started on Monday.

I love how August loves being in her lil body, she looks at herself in the mirror and the looks she gives herself kill me. So much pride and happiness there. We were all that way. To hear what everyone has gone through, remembering my own issues and battles, it's heartbreaking. Really, I mean it is fucking heartbreaking.

She is already aware and mimics much of what I do. I feel it is my responsibility to start cracking down on myself when it comes to negative comments, attitudes about my body. That is more important to me than trying to stop cussing.

I think that trying to disconnect this stuff from *shame* is pretty important. You had some body issues last week, you talked about it, I hope that talking made you feel better about it! Like, I had food issues this week, I talked about it, I felt better about it.

Me, I'm not a big fan of exercise, but one of the most important lessons of adulthood is that exercise is crucial - not for dieting, or looking good, or conforming to expectations of appearance - but for maintaining equanimity, and feeling good emotionally. I had tons and tons of shame and awfulness surrounding ~EXERCISE~ for years. It took discovering forms of exercise that make me feel great, to get my head around exercise. I like walking. I LOVE walking, whether it's just a mile up the road to the common and back, or a seven mile hike going up hills and looking for views and forests I've never seen before, and the deep noticing that happens when I'm walking. It feels so good! It feels so right!, being in my body, walking I love, love, love my body when I'm climbing hills, because it feels so good to be in it, I feel so proud and strong when I get to the top! (Especially if there's an amazing view.) And feeling good in my body is not something I get to experience very often, so it's such an amazing thing when I do.

So whatever it is that gets you to that feeling - whether it's climbing the North Downs or doing a work-out - do that thing! Go with the "this feels so GOOD" rather than that awful sense of shame over ~having~ to do it, or not doing it.

I dunno; the idea of being responsible for a child terrifies me. Because they do pick up everything you do. They model everything. So you can't just tell kids "do this, do that" you have to model things like self image, and model consent, and model mindful or intuitive eating (or whatever we're calling it). That idea scares the shit out of me.

Right now I'm trying to do things in reverse. I'm trying to model healthy boundaries, and model consent with my Mother right now, because I didn't get raised right on those issues. I can't change her, but I can change me. And just hope that changing me is something that will reflect back to her.

But this is not a fun place right now, so I'm going to go and take a walk to my favourite woods.

Guys I know this album cover is kind of ideologically gross but I was looking at the tank top design and was like 'damn I would really love a tank top with swoopy curly letters and saguaro and a secondary color palatte' – like if the idea was 'hey this is a cool shirt' then I agree

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/9/9b/NRPSBestOf.jpg/220px-NRPSBestOf.jpg

agreed

In good 'tank top' related news, my male students call male tank tops 'bro tanks' and not 'wifebeaters.' I used the term 'wifebeater' when we were talking about examples of professional and non-professional dress and the unilateral reaction was revulsion. "WHY WOULD ANYONE CALL IT THAT? THAT'S DISGUSTING!" one young man said. They treated "wifebeater" like an odious relic of a bygone era and I sure hope it is. You know, because these ~20 students represent the entire generlizable future of language and humanity.

I hope they do! My heart is warmed.

Also, walking is the best, I hardly consider it an exercise I enjoy it so much (even in stupid-cold winter), as long as I've got good shoes on and give myself enough time. I don't know how I'd even do living in a place where walking (as commute or otherwise) was out of the ordinary...

being in my body, walking I love, love, love my body when I'm climbing hills, because it feels so good to be in it, I feel so proud and strong when I get to the top!

The good stuff. ^^^ I try not to be down on my body and I do better than I used to, but even in less charitable times I've turned to long bike rides or self-defense classes or hell even zumba workouts for the feeling of strength and capability I get to wear around afterward. And every time I feel it, the sense of ease gets a little more comfortable and easier to summon up in memory.

That shirt is indeed a really cool shirt, Crabbs. But "headless female torso as billboard-thing advert for men" is still just one of those things that makes me feel so icky.

Having an odd couple of days. I'm more disturbed than I thought I would be by recent events (I don't think I have to name, and would prefer not to get into details of, for obvious reasons) and feeling kinda ambivalent about the way that the discussion is unfolding. I can choose not to participate, because I don't think I have anything to add, but it's hard to either filter out or deal with.

And then woke up this morning to the results of the European elections and just feeling like the world is fast becoming a nastier place.

But it's like, not wanting to fall into misery over those things. Wanting to remind myself of the good and joyful and stuff-that-makes-it-worthwhile. I dunno, it can be dumb, stupid, shallow stuff (found a beautiful photo last night of Kessler, before he started straightening his hair, and how adorable curly-haired boys can be) or just self-improvement stuff (got two new pocket guides to trees and wildflowers, and have been learning the names of new plants - I found Vetch on the common. So exciting!) I dunno; I just need reminders of your little joys and little triumphs and little happinesses.

Like, my friend got a bit drunk on Tumblr last night and I woke up to my dashboard this morning filled with 8000 pictures of her crush. And just her giddy happiness and joy and excitement shone through, this was such a source of joy for her, and I felt happy seeing her so giddy and happy. What are the little things that give you those bursts of giddy joy?

dumb well-meaning musician dude posted a "rant" inspired by current events on fb -- one of those long posts where when you add "with my penis" to each sentence, it makes a lot more sense than as written.

What really brings me a lot of ***joy*** lately, and I'm sure everyone knows –– cacti/succulents...here is some of my backyard container garden:

http://i45.photobucket.com/albums/f86/igotabeefpastry/2014-05-26062140.jpg

I picked a few up a Costco (of all places) on a whim and got o*b*s*e*s*s*e*d learning about them, identifying them, looking at photos of them, and caring for them!

1. They are SURVIVORS and kind of a cool, inspirational model for how to live?
2. They are beautiful/machine-elf-weird and surprising, and it is FUN to watch things grow!
3. They are so biologically and reproductively different than animals or even other plants; learning about them is a constant source of fascination.
4. Riding my bike around Tucson, I see everyone's gardens, or overgrown desert patches, in a totally different way! It is like peeking over the hill into a valley of new information to explore. Knowing that's all ahead is very exciting, It makes me wonder what other things are all around me, now ignored, that will someday be a passion and make me see the world yet again anew. It makes me optimistic!

WOW! What an amazing plant collection / backyard space. That is really beautiful, and that space would make me happy.

Yeah I love to grill up a dinner, have a beer or two, tend to my plants, watch the sunset, play some music...always a perfect evening.

Beautiful! Also inspirational! I have some pots on our deck that I plan your standard assortment of sun annuals in every year (just got them done this weekend) and your garden makes me want to do more. I love it and all your cacti. Yay for happy places!

We have a substantial succ collection too - it has lasted several years.now, while the decorative grasses and ferns I recently planted have all died and the veg patch is looking pitiful.

For lunch, I just stir-fried beans that we harvested in the Community Garden yesterday. They tasted so ... like, I never knew beans could taste that strongly *beany*. That was a nice feeling of pride and "yeah! we did this!" Listening to music and eating home-grown beans.

Those beans got their carbon...FROM THE AIR! THEY ARE MADE OF AIR.

Oh btw guys I have a special corner garden that is a sacred datura, a morning glory, a few trichocereus pachanoi cacti...just sitting around getting all shamanic behind my clothesline. I would never eat them, it's just a dumb joke with myself.

They are made from DIRT and AIR and yet they taste of OM NOM NOM NOM. How can this be. How.

My favorite Instagram photos are of potted plants. Make me happy, your photo makes me happy!

yall give me joy.

The idea of decoupling guilt from pleasure, and just going "you know what? pleasure is really fucking nice. Might as well enjoy it."

i actually laughed out loud with happiness reading this post! thank you.

For the cherub with his flaming
sword is hereby commanded to leave
his guard at [the] tree of life, and
when he does, the whole creation will
be consumed and appear infinite and
holy, whereas it now appears finite
and corrupt.

This will come to pass by an im-
provement of sensual enjoyment.

Those who restrain desire, do so
because theirs is weak enough to be
restrained; and the restrainer or
reason usurps its place and governs
the unwilling.

And being restrained, it by degrees
becomes passive, till it is only the
shadow of desire.

Those are just some words I live by.

IN OTHER NEWS, recent yucky news events are on my mind. I listened to The Anthology of American Folk Music, vol. 1, while cooking up a big-ass meal of arepas & fixins for company. All the songs about women and the bad ends they meet, and their strength and hardships in courting, were really cathartic for me. I heard them all in a different and moving way – when I was 17 and first got obsessed w/those albums, it was "dude these songs are so DARK, they're all about MURDER and shit, also they're OLD." When I listened to it last night, the stories they told seemed real! I could totally envision like a movie in my mind their lives and woes!

It was jarring to hear this refrain, "all the girls wouldn't have him":

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nOVcN23-3ek

But it lost its "yucky news resonance" because the guy is a figure of fun. Also yuck at "jumped Jim Crow."

"Willie Moore," always a favorite, stood out, too:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h2wMe8s9mCc

Lots of time devoted to Annie, the person who took her life only named in initials – I thought, that's how the levels of attention should be balanced in these affairs.

Those who restrain desire, do so
because theirs is weak enough to be
restrained; and the restrainer or
reason usurps its place and governs
the unwilling.

And being restrained, it by degrees
becomes passive, till it is only the
shadow of desire.

This just made me so sad because it's kind of how I feel about everything in life at the moment.

But then again, I also feel kinda like disconnect from desire is a very powerful philosophy and not really wanting anything is a state of power, and resists the control that would be exerted over you by people who want to enslave you with desire.

But desire for what is the question. Desire as in lust? Desire as in cupidity and greed? Desire as in wanting consumer goods and ~lifestyle products~? Desire to experience the sensory joy of eating a damn ice cream?

Dark old folk music and the like can be a v v positive experience, though, because so many of the things one thinks of as being ~modern complaints~ about the difficulty of human relationships turn out to date back to the beginning of time. So there's a comfort that you're not alone, even if there's no comfort in how shit things have been for so long.

i made arepas for my speech class! also grim folk songs are always going to feel like home. also three cheers for pleasure and sensualism beyond the bedroom.

(i made a chicken thing to go on the arepas, didn't just fling them around like little frisbees)

Today I am mostly vacillating back and forth between "looking at pictures of beautiful men makes me happy" and "looking at pictures of beautiful men creates expectations which can never be fulfilled and makes me unhappy" and feeling weird and guilty about desire.

I have new PC speakers which is making my music sound 3000% better and also there are three peelies on them which I will resist peeling for as long as I can

I have no interest in beautiful men. I do have any interest in beautiful women, though.

It's complicated.

I tried on everything at Uniqlo and now I have like 200% more body positivity work to do. Fucking store.

Ugh god. I hear you so hard on that. I think I need to be sedated to go through fitting room anxiety anymore. It's always such a horrible experience.

Shopping is the worst.

Uniqlo has really good men's socks, just fyi.

I bought some of those silver oxfords at Target for $8.96 yesterday (70% off!) and that was ok, but nothing ever fits me so yeah, shopping suuuuuuux

Target's boot cut (not skinny) jeans are actually pretty flattering and comfortable

I got some great jeans there too! They're high rise, hit directly at ankle which is like a miracle for me.

ooh that's good to know.

i have made the mistake (twice) of buying skinny jeans in my size at target -- and it gave me great sympathy for teenage girls

I have pretty much decided that the only jeans I will wear from now on are these elastic waist jeggings (they are denim, though, not like knit or anything so they look like jeans) because they are super comfortable and look reasonable on me. Hopefully when skinny jeans become hopelessly outdated, this company will make the same pants in straight leg or boot cut or sneaker bottom or clog fray or sandal peg whatever exciting thing comes next w/r/t the width of jeans cuffs. But even if they don't, fuck it I am a 41 year old midwestern mother* who cares if my jeans are stylist.

*I made Velveeta and Rotel tomato cheese dip last weekend, even. OWNING IT.

carl who makes your jeggings?

American somethingorother? Rag? I got them at Macy's, then liked them so much I went back and bought three more pairs when they went on sale. Like I could tell you where to find them in the Chicago State Street Macy's but I can't remember the brand name. I'll confirm when I get home, though.

I do have to take the waist in but I have to do that with all of my pants so I don't hold that against them.

Uniqlo just have really crazy sizing, IIRC. (I haven't shopped there in years, but even when I was thinner, I always took a size larger than I took at any other shop. And this is with UK sizing running smaller then US sizing, as well!)

I p much don't bother buying trousers or jeans anywhere else except Marks & Sparks any more. I get really happy when I shop there and have to ask the assistant "these are too big, please could you fetch me a smaller size?" (Also, they do the best skinny ties. I really appreciate that they do most colour ties in like 3 different widths: Kipper, Office Worker, Mod.)

I think Macy's sells a brand called American Rag. I have a bag by them - maybe that's it?