no boys allowed in the room!!!!

It is perfectly normal to have a mini-period at that point in the cycle, when one has fibroids. In my case, I'm having the painters in about once every three weeks because of these nasty womb-squatters.

I have generally not been food-shamed too badly despite being fat, or I've been oblivious to it, but I still know that feeling of worrying omg what will the supermarket cashier think, the "Coke please" "ok, diet Coke" "uh, no" (when I used to drink a lot of diet Coke I had headaches every day - maybe just coincidence but it makes me wary anyway. so I don't like it when they don't even ask and just pour me a diet Coke), worrying that I'm that coworker who's conspicuously always eating, etc.

My new GP sent me to do "food diarising" with the nurse. I've been really bad about doing it, mostly out of laziness and a grumpy "it's none of anyone's business", but also the shame of admitting to everything I eat: the nights when I'm too tired to shop properly or cook, or when I'm trying to fit in with someone else who apparently only eats pizza or chips, or when I'm sad/busy and my brain stupidly tells me junk food will get me through.

And it's not just the fat/calorie content which is potentially shameful but all the other food-related shame, like I can hear the nurse's voice going "you eat a lot of ready meals, don't you? can't you cook? why do you buy pre-made sandwiches when you could make them? you ate noodles 3 nights in a row, that's a bit weird, isn't it? have you ever heard of fresh vegetables?"

Last week I went for conveyor-belt sushi with someone and ate about a third of what he did but I still felt the barbs in the waiter's "ooh you must have been hungry" (we stacked our plates together). Maybe I take things too personally.

I've been told 'you girls can EAT' but tbh I think that was either making misguided conversation or misguided 'flattery'. I did one of those food diaries for a general health check-up and honestly, there is no way to win with them. I.do mainly cook from scratch but because they extrapolate from a few days I got lectured on the amount of sugar in dried apricots (I ate one packet over the 5 days) and that I should 'lay off the pizza express' (first one in about a year that happened to fall into the diary period) so basically it's their job to make you aware, but they can also sod off.

I do sometimes wonder how much of this is internalised (that worry of "OMG, is the supermarket cashier judging my groceries" - actually, no, she's probably just counting down the minutes until her next smoke break and doesn't care what you're buying) and how much of this is actually genuinely external (i.e. every other example on this thread, the Georges of the world). It's a mixture of both, with the external stuff endlessly reinforcing the internalised monologue.

With regards to comfort eating and binge eating - I used to be a massive comfort eater. (Also, with weird highly ritualised "bad food" episodes. Like, seriously, the first year I first moved back to England, I went through a phase where I would kind of compulsively go to the Swiss Cottage MacDonalds and eat a cheeseburger. I don't *like* the taste of meat. I *really* don't like Macdonalds food. But there was this weird "I am doing ~the forbidden thing~" mortification/punishment/thrill to it, and of course would go home and feel sick, and beat myself up for doing it. I've done this with alcohol, I've done this with sugar, or whatever "the Forbidden Thing" is.) But breaking out of that has been partly HAES, and partly my therapist. When we were talking about my desire to binge in response to An Upsetting Event, she told me something very unexpected: she gave me "permission" to go have a treat. She was like, what's your favourite ice cream? I was all "Ben N Jerry's Caramel Chew Chew". She told me to go and get a pint of it, and eat it, slowly, savouring every single mouthful and enjoying the taste and the texture. She told me, make an event of it, put on my favourite music or my favourite film while I ate it. Enjoy the hell out of it. Experience it as total pleasure and enjoyment. If you are comfort eating, you are allowed to comfort eat, *if* you allow yourself to get comfort out of it. Not view it as this weird, ritual mortification thing that I feel guilty as hell for doing. But as this lovely thing that is supposed to make you feel better, and does actually make you feel better because, wow, that tastes really nice.

But it's weird. Now that this is *available*, as a thing I can do, and enjoy, and I'm "allowed" to do it, I don't get the compulsion to do it all the time. I can keep a bar of good chocolate, or a box of my absolute favourite ginger biscuits in the house, all the time, and not just surrender to the urge to scarf the whole thing immediately. Sometimes they stay there for weeks! Keep it for when I need a little burst of pleasure! Which is, apparently, the kind of relationship with food that "normal" people have! This is amazing to me. I've never experienced food in this way before.

And it's like... remembering watching my Mother, joylessly and compulsively eating her way through a whole box of totally unsatisfying low calorie weight watchers "Ice Milk" or whatever, and beating herself up for doing it. And seeing myself doing the same fucking thing, and hating myself for doing it, on so many levels. The idea of decoupling guilt from pleasure, and just going "you know what? pleasure is really fucking nice. Might as well enjoy it."

I dunno. This is a different thing from what you're describing, APS, which sounds much more like the experience of being too tired and depressed and flattened to cook. Which is, y'know, you are tired and depressed and flattened, and cooking is work. (Its sometimes pleasurable, but it is still work, which is something that not all people have the time or the energy for. Which is fine!) But the idea of detaching the guilt (and the accompanying internal monologue) from that. "I eat like this because: reasons." You've been trying to address the reasons of depression and exhaustion and being flattened. But they are still *valid* reasons to be eating the way you do. And until those reasons are dealt with, your *eating* is not the problem. But decoupling guilt from food is hard when you're being overtly judged in the form of nurses or the internalised monologue of your food diary.

I dunno. Different strokes for different folks, though. Experiment until you find out what works for you. This is the thing that worked for me.

I also feel guilty for ~getting heavy~ on the thread, and would really like to lighten it with confetti and heritage apples and Kessler gifs.

I'm sorry.

Hey, you already mentioned those ginger biscuits, so that'll do....

She told me to go and get a pint of it, and eat it, slowly, savouring every single mouthful and enjoying the taste and the texture. She told me, make an event of it, put on my favourite music or my favourite film while I ate it. Enjoy the hell out of it. Experience it as total pleasure and enjoyment. If you are comfort eating, you are allowed to comfort eat, *if* you allow yourself to get comfort out of it.

I think this story is awesome! Yes, allow yourself to be comforted, not punished. So beautifully healthy and also! Ice cream!

I just started reading a book about mindful eating which talks a lot about doing just that as a way to regain a healthy relationship with food. It's pretty interesting stuff tbh.

E, which book? I seem to be collecting books about that on my Kindle...

yeah I'm curious

http://www.savorthebook.com/ - I used to work in the same dept as one of the writers.

I am really struggling with food issues lately. I've realized that ever since I was a teen, I've cycled between restrictive eating, orthorexia, or massive binging. And it's totally tanked my thyroid, and as a result, probably made me much heavier than I'd be if I'd NEVER DIETED IN THE FIRST PLACE. I've basically been on a massive binging streak since Christmas, and as a result put on 25 pounds. I keep thinking "tomorrow I'll go back to eating paleo"... but, ugh, WHY. I apologize if any of this was triggering.

I also read a book called "Diet Recovery" by Matt Stone that's been pretty eye opening about the effects of restrictive eating on overall health and metabolism, and kinda realizing I don't like this feeling of 'doing good' versus 'doing bad'

I think a lot of this information (about how dieting makes you fatter, including the ~here's the science bit~ behind how that works) is in the actual Health At Every Size book, by Linda Bacon. Which is one of those books I wish could just be issued to every man, woman and genderqueer at the age of 13 or something. (Granted, probably younger, but you get the idea.)

But I completely understand struggling with this stuff, and sympathise completely.

yes, this dude Matt Stone references the Linda Bacon book. I've never been able to keep off any significant weight loss for longer than four years.

The Linda Bacon book, genuinely (and I know I say this about every other book) but it really did change my life. Because it started with "this is the science behind why permanent weight loss is not effective" and then went through dealing with food shaming and body shaming, and then started talking about mindful eating. I'm trying to re-read it once a year, to make sure the ideas stay fresh in my head and don't slip back into shitty expectations because it's so hard to throw off stuff that's so ingrained. I wish it had existed 10, 20 years ago, but I'm just glad enough that it came into my life now.

I need to read that!!!

Well, this week I've just been eating what I want. I'm eating carbs. And I'm finding... whoa, I actually have energy. CRAZY.

Reading all this, taking it in. I have had my own issues, even this week, but I don't want to pass it down to August. I did feel ashamed for all the bullshit I went through this past week with the whole swim suit thing, body thing. I am 43 and felt 14 about my body and self-esteem. Working out is a mental fix for me and I'd feel better about so much more if I could stay moving on a regular basis. I hope to get there and started on Monday.

I love how August loves being in her lil body, she looks at herself in the mirror and the looks she gives herself kill me. So much pride and happiness there. We were all that way. To hear what everyone has gone through, remembering my own issues and battles, it's heartbreaking. Really, I mean it is fucking heartbreaking.

She is already aware and mimics much of what I do. I feel it is my responsibility to start cracking down on myself when it comes to negative comments, attitudes about my body. That is more important to me than trying to stop cussing.

I think that trying to disconnect this stuff from *shame* is pretty important. You had some body issues last week, you talked about it, I hope that talking made you feel better about it! Like, I had food issues this week, I talked about it, I felt better about it.

Me, I'm not a big fan of exercise, but one of the most important lessons of adulthood is that exercise is crucial - not for dieting, or looking good, or conforming to expectations of appearance - but for maintaining equanimity, and feeling good emotionally. I had tons and tons of shame and awfulness surrounding ~EXERCISE~ for years. It took discovering forms of exercise that make me feel great, to get my head around exercise. I like walking. I LOVE walking, whether it's just a mile up the road to the common and back, or a seven mile hike going up hills and looking for views and forests I've never seen before, and the deep noticing that happens when I'm walking. It feels so good! It feels so right!, being in my body, walking I love, love, love my body when I'm climbing hills, because it feels so good to be in it, I feel so proud and strong when I get to the top! (Especially if there's an amazing view.) And feeling good in my body is not something I get to experience very often, so it's such an amazing thing when I do.

So whatever it is that gets you to that feeling - whether it's climbing the North Downs or doing a work-out - do that thing! Go with the "this feels so GOOD" rather than that awful sense of shame over ~having~ to do it, or not doing it.

I dunno; the idea of being responsible for a child terrifies me. Because they do pick up everything you do. They model everything. So you can't just tell kids "do this, do that" you have to model things like self image, and model consent, and model mindful or intuitive eating (or whatever we're calling it). That idea scares the shit out of me.

Right now I'm trying to do things in reverse. I'm trying to model healthy boundaries, and model consent with my Mother right now, because I didn't get raised right on those issues. I can't change her, but I can change me. And just hope that changing me is something that will reflect back to her.

But this is not a fun place right now, so I'm going to go and take a walk to my favourite woods.

Guys I know this album cover is kind of ideologically gross but I was looking at the tank top design and was like 'damn I would really love a tank top with swoopy curly letters and saguaro and a secondary color palatte' – like if the idea was 'hey this is a cool shirt' then I agree

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/9/9b/NRPSBestOf.jpg/220px-NRPSBestOf.jpg

agreed

In good 'tank top' related news, my male students call male tank tops 'bro tanks' and not 'wifebeaters.' I used the term 'wifebeater' when we were talking about examples of professional and non-professional dress and the unilateral reaction was revulsion. "WHY WOULD ANYONE CALL IT THAT? THAT'S DISGUSTING!" one young man said. They treated "wifebeater" like an odious relic of a bygone era and I sure hope it is. You know, because these ~20 students represent the entire generlizable future of language and humanity.

I hope they do! My heart is warmed.

Also, walking is the best, I hardly consider it an exercise I enjoy it so much (even in stupid-cold winter), as long as I've got good shoes on and give myself enough time. I don't know how I'd even do living in a place where walking (as commute or otherwise) was out of the ordinary...

being in my body, walking I love, love, love my body when I'm climbing hills, because it feels so good to be in it, I feel so proud and strong when I get to the top!

The good stuff. ^^^ I try not to be down on my body and I do better than I used to, but even in less charitable times I've turned to long bike rides or self-defense classes or hell even zumba workouts for the feeling of strength and capability I get to wear around afterward. And every time I feel it, the sense of ease gets a little more comfortable and easier to summon up in memory.

That shirt is indeed a really cool shirt, Crabbs. But "headless female torso as billboard-thing advert for men" is still just one of those things that makes me feel so icky.

Having an odd couple of days. I'm more disturbed than I thought I would be by recent events (I don't think I have to name, and would prefer not to get into details of, for obvious reasons) and feeling kinda ambivalent about the way that the discussion is unfolding. I can choose not to participate, because I don't think I have anything to add, but it's hard to either filter out or deal with.

And then woke up this morning to the results of the European elections and just feeling like the world is fast becoming a nastier place.

But it's like, not wanting to fall into misery over those things. Wanting to remind myself of the good and joyful and stuff-that-makes-it-worthwhile. I dunno, it can be dumb, stupid, shallow stuff (found a beautiful photo last night of Kessler, before he started straightening his hair, and how adorable curly-haired boys can be) or just self-improvement stuff (got two new pocket guides to trees and wildflowers, and have been learning the names of new plants - I found Vetch on the common. So exciting!) I dunno; I just need reminders of your little joys and little triumphs and little happinesses.

Like, my friend got a bit drunk on Tumblr last night and I woke up to my dashboard this morning filled with 8000 pictures of her crush. And just her giddy happiness and joy and excitement shone through, this was such a source of joy for her, and I felt happy seeing her so giddy and happy. What are the little things that give you those bursts of giddy joy?

dumb well-meaning musician dude posted a "rant" inspired by current events on fb -- one of those long posts where when you add "with my penis" to each sentence, it makes a lot more sense than as written.

What really brings me a lot of ***joy*** lately, and I'm sure everyone knows –– cacti/succulents...here is some of my backyard container garden:

http://i45.photobucket.com/albums/f86/igotabeefpastry/2014-05-26062140.jpg

I picked a few up a Costco (of all places) on a whim and got o*b*s*e*s*s*e*d learning about them, identifying them, looking at photos of them, and caring for them!

1. They are SURVIVORS and kind of a cool, inspirational model for how to live?
2. They are beautiful/machine-elf-weird and surprising, and it is FUN to watch things grow!
3. They are so biologically and reproductively different than animals or even other plants; learning about them is a constant source of fascination.
4. Riding my bike around Tucson, I see everyone's gardens, or overgrown desert patches, in a totally different way! It is like peeking over the hill into a valley of new information to explore. Knowing that's all ahead is very exciting, It makes me wonder what other things are all around me, now ignored, that will someday be a passion and make me see the world yet again anew. It makes me optimistic!

WOW! What an amazing plant collection / backyard space. That is really beautiful, and that space would make me happy.

Yeah I love to grill up a dinner, have a beer or two, tend to my plants, watch the sunset, play some music...always a perfect evening.

Beautiful! Also inspirational! I have some pots on our deck that I plan your standard assortment of sun annuals in every year (just got them done this weekend) and your garden makes me want to do more. I love it and all your cacti. Yay for happy places!

We have a substantial succ collection too - it has lasted several years.now, while the decorative grasses and ferns I recently planted have all died and the veg patch is looking pitiful.

For lunch, I just stir-fried beans that we harvested in the Community Garden yesterday. They tasted so ... like, I never knew beans could taste that strongly *beany*. That was a nice feeling of pride and "yeah! we did this!" Listening to music and eating home-grown beans.

Those beans got their carbon...FROM THE AIR! THEY ARE MADE OF AIR.

Oh btw guys I have a special corner garden that is a sacred datura, a morning glory, a few trichocereus pachanoi cacti...just sitting around getting all shamanic behind my clothesline. I would never eat them, it's just a dumb joke with myself.

They are made from DIRT and AIR and yet they taste of OM NOM NOM NOM. How can this be. How.

My favorite Instagram photos are of potted plants. Make me happy, your photo makes me happy!

yall give me joy.

The idea of decoupling guilt from pleasure, and just going "you know what? pleasure is really fucking nice. Might as well enjoy it."

i actually laughed out loud with happiness reading this post! thank you.

For the cherub with his flaming
sword is hereby commanded to leave
his guard at [the] tree of life, and
when he does, the whole creation will
be consumed and appear infinite and
holy, whereas it now appears finite
and corrupt.

This will come to pass by an im-
provement of sensual enjoyment.

Those who restrain desire, do so
because theirs is weak enough to be
restrained; and the restrainer or
reason usurps its place and governs
the unwilling.

And being restrained, it by degrees
becomes passive, till it is only the
shadow of desire.

Those are just some words I live by.

IN OTHER NEWS, recent yucky news events are on my mind. I listened to The Anthology of American Folk Music, vol. 1, while cooking up a big-ass meal of arepas & fixins for company. All the songs about women and the bad ends they meet, and their strength and hardships in courting, were really cathartic for me. I heard them all in a different and moving way – when I was 17 and first got obsessed w/those albums, it was "dude these songs are so DARK, they're all about MURDER and shit, also they're OLD." When I listened to it last night, the stories they told seemed real! I could totally envision like a movie in my mind their lives and woes!

It was jarring to hear this refrain, "all the girls wouldn't have him":

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nOVcN23-3ek

But it lost its "yucky news resonance" because the guy is a figure of fun. Also yuck at "jumped Jim Crow."

"Willie Moore," always a favorite, stood out, too:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h2wMe8s9mCc

Lots of time devoted to Annie, the person who took her life only named in initials – I thought, that's how the levels of attention should be balanced in these affairs.

Those who restrain desire, do so
because theirs is weak enough to be
restrained; and the restrainer or
reason usurps its place and governs
the unwilling.

And being restrained, it by degrees
becomes passive, till it is only the
shadow of desire.

This just made me so sad because it's kind of how I feel about everything in life at the moment.

But then again, I also feel kinda like disconnect from desire is a very powerful philosophy and not really wanting anything is a state of power, and resists the control that would be exerted over you by people who want to enslave you with desire.

But desire for what is the question. Desire as in lust? Desire as in cupidity and greed? Desire as in wanting consumer goods and ~lifestyle products~? Desire to experience the sensory joy of eating a damn ice cream?

Dark old folk music and the like can be a v v positive experience, though, because so many of the things one thinks of as being ~modern complaints~ about the difficulty of human relationships turn out to date back to the beginning of time. So there's a comfort that you're not alone, even if there's no comfort in how shit things have been for so long.

i made arepas for my speech class! also grim folk songs are always going to feel like home. also three cheers for pleasure and sensualism beyond the bedroom.

(i made a chicken thing to go on the arepas, didn't just fling them around like little frisbees)

Today I am mostly vacillating back and forth between "looking at pictures of beautiful men makes me happy" and "looking at pictures of beautiful men creates expectations which can never be fulfilled and makes me unhappy" and feeling weird and guilty about desire.

I have new PC speakers which is making my music sound 3000% better and also there are three peelies on them which I will resist peeling for as long as I can

I have no interest in beautiful men. I do have any interest in beautiful women, though.