no boys allowed in the room!!!!

Oh wait I did have one side effect from dmpa: I didn't get pregnant. Awesome!

Not to totally change the subject but I am totally changing the subject...

http://doughnuttales.blogspot.com/2013/08/surviving-tuesday.html?zx=92a3d98a95d4befd

I've been meaning to post this because it is about the perils of being nice. The blog is classified as "adult" but this page is completely SFW.

There are two things that really stood out. First this more or less describes about 20 years of my life:

as young girls we're told that we are, in the words of the old tune “Nobody until somebody loves us”. Therefore, being well-liked an popular is the most important thing in our fragile little worlds I would also submit that this need to be esteemed, well-liked and popular often goes to such an extreme as to make it downright contrary to our own well-being. Rather than this desire for community being a protective instinct, it becomes a self-destructive and manipulative one.

And I also have a story of letting someone stay with me over my instinctive misgivings. I did it in part because I wanted to be nice but also because in my stupid community of laid-back hippies, being the woman who was protective about her space and boundaries was particularly frowned upon and considered very bitchy and uncool and materialistic and selfish. So I ended up letting some complete stranger hippie dude just traveling through town stay at my apartment where I lived alone, and after I let him in and showed him the couch, I got so freaked out I actually got a butcher knife and kept it in bed with me all night and did not sleep. Nothing happened other than he left really early in the morning and stole about 15 CDs from me so I guess everything worked out? Anyway, that was kind of a watershed moment for me as far as that community and my boundaries and my worries about appearing cool went.

that is really interesting. and relevant to my life atm tbh

If you feel like saying how, I am interested. But obv no pressure and I don't want to pry.

I keep thinking of more examples when women were ignored or shouted down in that community for expressing concerns for their safety or just setting boundaries about their space and it is making me sad because I was often on the side of the dudes, less I lose my status as well-liked and popular. :( Oh well, I'm old and proudly bitchy now and those hippies can fucking bite me.

one of the nicest things about getting older for me has been acknowledging to myself that wanting men to think i was cool drove way too much of my behavior in the past, and also the fact that i am too old and tired to care if men think i'm cool anymore. but i think that's related to the nice thing. i will go read that blog post now.

that is a fantastic blog entry. I have definitely reached a wise-enough age wherein I no longer care if I seem uptight or bitchy.

I have had a few experiences with men crossing the line with me, specifically in clubs...

Incident #1 involved a man caressing my stomach without my permission. I freaked out and screamed at him. His response? To call me an uptight bitch. Even worse, I was with a guy I was dating and HE told me to "relax"

Incident #2 involved a man I was dancing with at a club who decided IT WAS A GREAT IDEA TO CHOKE ME. Again, I got very angry and yelled at him. Once again, my male friends told me I was overreacting.

Grrrr especially at your male friends.

they justified it to say that if I got too angry they'd be forced to step in and pummel the dude and get into a brawl. what.

oh ffs.

Wow, what the heck.

wow @ friends who care more about staying inside their comfort zone than your safety, i have had a few myself

been thinking a lot about being socialized to be nice all the time & the reaction you get if you don't just go along with people. when i think about the number of times random dudes who I am not talking to & don't even know have thought it was totally fine to put their hands on me - like when you're at a bar/club and they can't just walk by, they have to put their arm around your waist to go past you, or they try and do it when you're just standing there minding your own business and not even interacting with them in any way. wtf?!

I'm pretty mellow most of the time but wow, does it tick me off - it doesn't take me long to call out this behavior, but a couple times when some random stranger is persistently doing this i've really wanted to hit them (which i don't believe in, so I don't). i did punch a kid in the face once when i was 13 after he and his cousin kept trying to grab me.. in retaliation they dumped soda all over my good shoes & then my mother screamed at me over the whole thing because obvs it was all my fault for not being nice

so idk, i feel like i am pretty good at standing up for myself when i really need to, but the downside is internalizing this idea that it makes me sort of unlikeable

Hm. I have no problem being not-nice to strangers but make it someone whose unhappiness might cause a real problem for me, and I'm incapable of even asking them to do their own dishes. I am just that afraid of the possible negative response.

What the resulting situation is worse? I should just put up with how it is now, you never know, you might regret it.

i was JUST washing dishes and thinking about a woman i know who negatively judges me and thinks i am a "loose cannon" because of 2 incidents in which i took no shit from/publically shamed gross dudes. she identifies as a feminist and has a degree in women's studies!

publicly! i always misspell that :/

i think it is often challenging to stand up for yourself and your boundaries with uber creepola dudes yet not escalate the situation into something where dudes are taking swings at your male companion(s).

Ugh I hate the "why are you being such a bitch?" response to APPROPRIATE CALLING OUT/ANGER. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

And I'm shit at being angry at people. I guilt trip myself into last week, every time.

I tend to get confrontational and screamy in those situations - esp. when it's a stranger and I have been drinking

you feel like saying how, I am interested. But obv no pressure and I don't want to pry.

I keep thinking of more examples when women were ignored or shouted down in that community for expressing concerns for their safety or just setting boundaries about their space and it is making me sad because I was often on the side of the dudes, less I lose my status as well-liked and popular. :( Oh well, I'm old and proudly bitchy now and those hippies can fucking bite me.

― Lawyer... SUAVE... (carl agatha), Monday, August 12, 2013 2:47 PM (3 days ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

yes, i'd finally like to say more about it: my BF and i run a DIY show space & book tons of shows, hosting lots of band dudes at our house. i always cook huge meals for bands, let them sleep here, make them as comfy as possible, etc. i love doing it, and it's the life for me, but i only enjoy it to the degree that i don't feel it's being expected of me to do these extra things because i'm woman - like Andy is really the accommodating person, and i am just doing regular wife duties for him - almost as if they're an extension of him. it's rare that people show themselves to be holding that view, but it happens. a few times guests have extended thanks to him but not me - even if i booked the show, paid them, fed them, did everything. i don't do that stuff for thanks, but i certainly don't do it to be viewed as a satellite of my boyfriend who doesn't deserve thanks.

aww shit, I have totally been in your position.

and also there have been occasions when i've felt unsafe because of these goings-on in the house, and a select few people have tried to make me feel like i'm being square to worry about my house, pets, self, life, etc. i don't deeply care, and Andy definitely has my back on that. it is VERY frustrating though.

xp

the "it's all good" brigade

OTM

"just be chill"

pro tip/life hack: if u are not

http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lwb5tpYbVS1qbrk2to1_500.jpg

do not tell me to be cool, i will not listen 2 u

i am sorry but i am not going to chill and let you have a minimal techno dance party until 3am because it is creatively fulfilling 2 u

a few times guests have extended thanks to him but not me - even if i booked the show, paid them, fed them, did everything.

Oh I would kill.

haha see i would let that happen tbh! but i wouldnt let people fight or be aggressive to women or w/e, or break bottles all over my porch, or do something that might hurt somebody. my boundaries are not so out there, so why do ppl act like they are? oh right cause theyre dipshits

xpost!

Oh that was a case of someone taking advantage and ignoring my polite statements that this needs to be done by 1am

And we'd just had official threats of being busted

haw, oic! ok can totally id w/ that

I tried not to be rockist about it.

a few times guests have extended thanks to him but not me - even if i booked the show, paid them, fed them, did everything.

Oh I would kill.

― Tottenham Heelspur (in orbit), Friday, August 16, 2013 1:59 AM (37 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

omg yes

Reminds me of a time I was wearing a Clutch t-shirt in a bar w/Jeff and a dude walked up to us, looked at Jeff, and said, "Clutch is awesome, man!" Jeff was like, "I don't like Clutch, but my girlfriend here does."

that is so completely demented

Seriously!!! I was too flabbergasted to punch him in the dong, unfortunately.

maybe he was addressing Jeff so that you wouldn't get the impression he was hitting on you when you were obviously partnered?

I'll do the crazy hostess stuff--did I mention that the last time I threw a party and got locked out of the apartment where a bunch of my supplies were, I made myself lock picks out of hairpins off a youtube tutorial and I was trying to pick the lock of the downstairs unit when my roommate got home?--and I don't want to be lavishly praised to my face but I want ppl to know that if they come here, they'll be taken care of. There will always be a clean towel/room/food/pretty things to make them welcome, and they will know that I did that for them. If I can make it look easy, even better! But for SOMEONE ELSE to get the credit, and my work to be taken for granted as my duty to the men bc I have a vagina? There would be a confrontation in my home in zero seconds.

xxxp <3 Jeff <3

No, i don't think so. He didn't even look at me or acknowledge me in any way. xp

well, that was the one excuse i could come up with for his behavior

in the past, i occasionally went to IT meetups for a particular field - professional networking thing + trying to get up to speed on a specific technology - and there were dudes at these events interested in a job at the company i worked for, who would talk to the other dudes near me about the job & the relevant tech skills and this and that, as if i was not even there. and i was the one who worked there and told the group that the company was hiring.

and there's the mansplaining i have to put up with. i have a very difficult time figuring out how to handle it - the types of guys who really enjoy explaining things to people all the time and will take every opportunity to steer the conversation toward explaining something to me that they think i don't know. they are trying to be helpful and just don't get how irritating it is to me because it seems unprofessional to snap at them over it, but i can't help finding it tiresome and demoralizing - the implications of it - it wears on me to be around people whose default assumption is that i don't know things and need explanations and assistance a lot, because i've always been very independent.

Like I said, it's rare. I don't want to come off like I'm being a huge doormat on a reg. when it happens I'm so flabbergasted that I say nothing, though. Andy usually says something like "oh, Emily really did everything. You should thank her", which they sometimes do. Haw

Everyone OTM. (I liked that Tuesday blog post too.)

I think I posted before about the record shop I went to several times a week, always on my own, to look through a few genre sections, and one time one of the regular staff asked "what happened to that guy you used to come in with, he was really into <genres>, we have some stuff he'd be interested in", and he seemed to have totally imagined a dude that I was tagging along behind because it didn't make any sense to him that I might like music on my own. ???

(Exactly once years before I'd gone there with a guy who mainly looked politely on while I rummaged, and once I saw a vague acquaintance there and exchanged monosyllabic greetings, and that was the full extent of my Being In The Shop With A Man, ever)

Also, yes, tech dudes and their talking like you aren't really there, or ignoring everything you say until they see an opportunity to stride in with a "wellllll, little lady" even though they let it slide when brogrammers say stupid wrong stuff all the time. And if a woman knows something they don't they're just "whatever, details" or "ooh, la-di-da". And to go back to "taking the side of the dudes to keep your status", yeah, there's another woman programmer in my office who totally does all that stuff too, and tbh I've probably done it to her, though I hope less obnoxiously.

Also also next time I hear anything along the lines of "jeez it was just a joke, why can't women take a joke" I may just have to go on a killing spree.

Tuesday blog post = the one carl posted, on Monday and not on a Tuesday, called something like "surviving Tuesdays".

i secretly love when someone underestimates me because it gives me the opportunity to shame them
on rare occasions i do it and but usually i just know that i could if i wanted to and that's enough

i feel like enough people in my lil scene respect me a lot that when some clueless bro tries to shame me i can just smile and know that everyone around us sees him as a huge n00b and idiot. in the past i didn't have that support around me so i'm really thankful for it.

*a really bitchy smile

http://the-toast.net/2013/07/17/no-womens-bodies-found-in-local-ravine-today/