no boys allowed in the room!!!!

You gotta tell him straight up that he needs to be 100% discreet or find another way -- this is clearly bothering you a lot! That's just IMO and I'm a v direct person, grain of salt.

" when he is watching porn in the middle of the night, he'll crash out having left a video on loop, which means I wake up and find video that's very distressing to me, e.g. a bleach blonde lady, double anal. Like, this has happened enough that I know his tastes in porn p well"

I think the degree to which this might bother me would also probably have to do with the frequency with which it happened. It if was a once or twice then whatever but if I had a partner who was routinely watching porn in the middle of the night while I was right there in the next room I think it would probably start to bother me quite a lot.

Well, that seems like the obvious solution. Will do.
xp

"you can only respect someone's privacy to the extent that they KEEP IT PRIVATE duh."

Yeah, this is big.

I mean, is he asking you to, errr, join in because if not this seems kind of hugely disrespectful imo.

IDK, as much as it makes me feel shitty and bad, it seems like a genuine mistake when he does leave it on (it has happened maybe 6x in the eight months I've lived w/him), and it's not like whatever his porn habits are have interfered with our sex life. Maybe we/he could just move his computer to a room that's outside my morning mole trail.

I don't want to deny anyone their little pleasures, I have def had the thought, "I could never live with someone because there would go my chance to get myself off the way I like and then leave any accoutrements wherever I happen to drop them and go to sleep in peace" (even though I know we've talked about how this isn't necessarily the case irl, which is great). Even the nicest hypothetical boyfriend probably doesn't want to have to remove the vibrator from his side of the bed where I chucked it 5 nights out of 7. But falling asleep with porn on loop when you know your gf will wake up and be upset by it is insensitive? I mean, you DO live together, a person has get shipshape to their partner's satisfaction not because what they were doing is wrong but because they're responsive to their partner.

^^^

Yeah, I totally agree.

otm

I think the other ladies have covered all the vitals so: make him turn off the looping function! Sheesh! I would give my husband hell just for that annoyance.

Even the nicest hypothetical boyfriend probably doesn't want to have to remove the vibrator from his side of the bed where I chucked it

Nor does the nicest female flatmate confronted by similar but in the bathroom (whoops yes. I did this once. Argh)

I'm only barely scratching the surface of some femininity ideas in my life rn but I think it's possible that deep down I don't think I deserve to have a sexual nature, or interact with others as if I do, unless I'm performing femininity a certain way? Like that's the entrance requirement to participating in human mating rituals.

Like I said in the dating ish thread, I haven't had to perform much of anything for a while, because outside of work life I pretty much only do things with people who accept me however I am; I don't have to dress up for my friends. But I put on a skirt suit and heels for an interview the other week and I realized I put on a whole schtick with it, one in which I'm a "woman" in a different way. It wasn't unpleasant, it was fun, and I can still walk in heels juuust fine, but I knew it was a temporary role, and it's hard to remember that I did that 5x a week for 10 years and I wonder, did that disempower me a little? I think it made me a little more malleable, not that anyone would ever describe me as docile but I think I lost something.

Still interrogating.

i know "it could be way worse" is less than helpful in most situations, but I find it far preferable for my partner to jerk off to porn than to pictures of girls we know on Facebook or w/e! I was dating a guy who def left no doubt that that was his main thing in that arena. Sometimes the former (reg porn watching) makes me uncomfortable if I get too deep into thinking about it, also, but as Laurel said, it's important to extend freedoms to others that you want for yourself, and I definitely don't want my partner obsessing over/comparing himself to any erotic material I happen to see/watch/whatever.

I'm away visiting friends and family and I've forgotten to pack my next pack of pills (am on the 'off' week at the moment). Well, I packed them, then left behind the thing I packed them in, forgetting they were in it. No way of getting them here as I don't have my prescription with me. Is it a health no-no to miss a month and then go back on them again? Guess I'm going to do it anyway...

afaik it's fine to miss as long as you want - the same conditions apply when you restart it as when you first ever took it; you have to be back on it 2 weeks or something (check with yr pharmacist) before it's actually safe to have unprotected sex

yeah - no sex involved right now, just a bit annoyed about the yo-yo on-off thing as it's possibly not ideal hormonally or sumfink, but I don't have much choice!

You may get a heavy period as a result, tho? I havent been on the pill in forever (smoker, can't), so I forget how it works if you skip for that long.

Speaking of tho, I wish I could find a self-applied BC that I could have as a smoker that wasnt condoms. I tried Implanon and Depo Prov and they sent me into an icky depressed state.

Not that I'm advocating barebacking all the time, esp with new dateboys, but I have to admit I hate the stop n faffle about of condoms :/

xp yes, it probably won't be a pleasant week!

hey trayce do they have the nuva ring there? i stan for it all the time. i had all the same issues w/ hating condoms and getting depressed on other BCs. it has such a low dose of hormones (because it doesnt have to travel far in your body? that's the explanation i got) that it doesnt affect your mood

Yeah ymmv, it did affect my emotional state noticeably the 2nd time I went on it, but I just decided to stop fucking w hormones at that point. Still, def an improvement over orally administered bcp, not affected by vomiting, not affected by antibiotics or oth meds, you can safely take it out for up to 3 hrs (iirc) if you want to remove it for sex or anything else (just don't forget to put it back in).

Me too. I had to stop using it for that reason (period migraines, specifically) and I don't regret it even though my period is like a feelings monsoon at this point, but nuva was def the most manageable of the hormonal options (for me).

” feelings monsoon” is perfect

yeah i should have said ymmv. its a good thing to try tho if you have problems with the jacked up hormone based methods.

i had p severe mood-related side effects from depo provera but stayed on it for like 2 years anyway. i was dumb

You know, I don't think I know anybody didn't have side effects from depo.

yeah im pretty sure everyone i know who took it had side effects, too.

I'm fine with it, was on it for 7 years. I'm back on it, in fact, after having my IUD yanked.

You're messing up my stats, lady.

Oh wait I did have one side effect from dmpa: I didn't get pregnant. Awesome!

Not to totally change the subject but I am totally changing the subject...

http://doughnuttales.blogspot.com/2013/08/surviving-tuesday.html?zx=92a3d98a95d4befd

I've been meaning to post this because it is about the perils of being nice. The blog is classified as "adult" but this page is completely SFW.

There are two things that really stood out. First this more or less describes about 20 years of my life:

as young girls we're told that we are, in the words of the old tune “Nobody until somebody loves us”. Therefore, being well-liked an popular is the most important thing in our fragile little worlds I would also submit that this need to be esteemed, well-liked and popular often goes to such an extreme as to make it downright contrary to our own well-being. Rather than this desire for community being a protective instinct, it becomes a self-destructive and manipulative one.

And I also have a story of letting someone stay with me over my instinctive misgivings. I did it in part because I wanted to be nice but also because in my stupid community of laid-back hippies, being the woman who was protective about her space and boundaries was particularly frowned upon and considered very bitchy and uncool and materialistic and selfish. So I ended up letting some complete stranger hippie dude just traveling through town stay at my apartment where I lived alone, and after I let him in and showed him the couch, I got so freaked out I actually got a butcher knife and kept it in bed with me all night and did not sleep. Nothing happened other than he left really early in the morning and stole about 15 CDs from me so I guess everything worked out? Anyway, that was kind of a watershed moment for me as far as that community and my boundaries and my worries about appearing cool went.

that is really interesting. and relevant to my life atm tbh

If you feel like saying how, I am interested. But obv no pressure and I don't want to pry.

I keep thinking of more examples when women were ignored or shouted down in that community for expressing concerns for their safety or just setting boundaries about their space and it is making me sad because I was often on the side of the dudes, less I lose my status as well-liked and popular. :( Oh well, I'm old and proudly bitchy now and those hippies can fucking bite me.

one of the nicest things about getting older for me has been acknowledging to myself that wanting men to think i was cool drove way too much of my behavior in the past, and also the fact that i am too old and tired to care if men think i'm cool anymore. but i think that's related to the nice thing. i will go read that blog post now.

that is a fantastic blog entry. I have definitely reached a wise-enough age wherein I no longer care if I seem uptight or bitchy.

I have had a few experiences with men crossing the line with me, specifically in clubs...

Incident #1 involved a man caressing my stomach without my permission. I freaked out and screamed at him. His response? To call me an uptight bitch. Even worse, I was with a guy I was dating and HE told me to "relax"

Incident #2 involved a man I was dancing with at a club who decided IT WAS A GREAT IDEA TO CHOKE ME. Again, I got very angry and yelled at him. Once again, my male friends told me I was overreacting.

Grrrr especially at your male friends.

they justified it to say that if I got too angry they'd be forced to step in and pummel the dude and get into a brawl. what.

oh ffs.

Wow, what the heck.

wow @ friends who care more about staying inside their comfort zone than your safety, i have had a few myself

been thinking a lot about being socialized to be nice all the time & the reaction you get if you don't just go along with people. when i think about the number of times random dudes who I am not talking to & don't even know have thought it was totally fine to put their hands on me - like when you're at a bar/club and they can't just walk by, they have to put their arm around your waist to go past you, or they try and do it when you're just standing there minding your own business and not even interacting with them in any way. wtf?!

I'm pretty mellow most of the time but wow, does it tick me off - it doesn't take me long to call out this behavior, but a couple times when some random stranger is persistently doing this i've really wanted to hit them (which i don't believe in, so I don't). i did punch a kid in the face once when i was 13 after he and his cousin kept trying to grab me.. in retaliation they dumped soda all over my good shoes & then my mother screamed at me over the whole thing because obvs it was all my fault for not being nice

so idk, i feel like i am pretty good at standing up for myself when i really need to, but the downside is internalizing this idea that it makes me sort of unlikeable

Hm. I have no problem being not-nice to strangers but make it someone whose unhappiness might cause a real problem for me, and I'm incapable of even asking them to do their own dishes. I am just that afraid of the possible negative response.

What the resulting situation is worse? I should just put up with how it is now, you never know, you might regret it.

i was JUST washing dishes and thinking about a woman i know who negatively judges me and thinks i am a "loose cannon" because of 2 incidents in which i took no shit from/publically shamed gross dudes. she identifies as a feminist and has a degree in women's studies!

publicly! i always misspell that :/

i think it is often challenging to stand up for yourself and your boundaries with uber creepola dudes yet not escalate the situation into something where dudes are taking swings at your male companion(s).

Ugh I hate the "why are you being such a bitch?" response to APPROPRIATE CALLING OUT/ANGER. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

And I'm shit at being angry at people. I guilt trip myself into last week, every time.

I tend to get confrontational and screamy in those situations - esp. when it's a stranger and I have been drinking

you feel like saying how, I am interested. But obv no pressure and I don't want to pry.

I keep thinking of more examples when women were ignored or shouted down in that community for expressing concerns for their safety or just setting boundaries about their space and it is making me sad because I was often on the side of the dudes, less I lose my status as well-liked and popular. :( Oh well, I'm old and proudly bitchy now and those hippies can fucking bite me.

― Lawyer... SUAVE... (carl agatha), Monday, August 12, 2013 2:47 PM (3 days ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

yes, i'd finally like to say more about it: my BF and i run a DIY show space & book tons of shows, hosting lots of band dudes at our house. i always cook huge meals for bands, let them sleep here, make them as comfy as possible, etc. i love doing it, and it's the life for me, but i only enjoy it to the degree that i don't feel it's being expected of me to do these extra things because i'm woman - like Andy is really the accommodating person, and i am just doing regular wife duties for him - almost as if they're an extension of him. it's rare that people show themselves to be holding that view, but it happens. a few times guests have extended thanks to him but not me - even if i booked the show, paid them, fed them, did everything. i don't do that stuff for thanks, but i certainly don't do it to be viewed as a satellite of my boyfriend who doesn't deserve thanks.