no boys allowed in the room!!!!

OK, I totally did that too. I found my Dad's Penthouse's (I remember the one with Vanessa Williams on the cover specifically) and, um, yeah. They were extremely . . . educational. I still remember some of the pictures and forum letters in way more detail then I probably should at this point.

Sorry I missed this conversation but carl agatha otm, all of y'all otm really. My childhood vice was late night Showtime -- not sure how I feel about that but there it is. There was a brief discussion on the prior ubiquity of pornographic material/images in...everyday places (the home, the workplace) here: http://www.ilxor.com/ILX/ThreadSelectedControllerServlet?showall=true&bookmarkedmessageid=4444941&boardid=77&threadid=91485

it's not directly related to the conversation, but while we're exchanging attitudes and norms about this stuff, I thought it was relevant.

agh sorry that was a 77 link dunno if that was stupid or not
sorry!

also warning: nsfw if your w does not permit the viewing of images with nudity, however educational

I feel oddly neutral about porn. Personally I still sometimes watch it even though I find it less effective than erotic writings, but that's not why. I think it's because I had a partner briefly who didn't want me to have anything private, so he insisted I should tell him everything about y sexual thoughts and feelings. I wasn't allowed to have secrets or keep fantasies to myself; I didn't have a right to them, they were his. I held back because I hit a wall finally, like, No, I'm not asking you for this information, what happens inside my head is MINE.

So if I want a right for myself, I have to extend it to others (unfortunately). It just decisively settled that for me. Then again I haven't been in a relationship of any duration since then, so it's never come up since.

Increasingly though I'm getting really tired of the porn I've found so far, anyway. Really emotionally tired, like I can't even watch it without playing mental Misogyny Bingo.

So if I want a right for myself, I have to extend it to others (unfortunately).
Not unfortunately, imo! I firmly believe that one's thoughts are one's own and choosing what gets out is part of the experience of living, no? I mean wtf at demanding someone else's thoughts. That's nuts!

This is, however, reminding me of a bf I had in high school who was pretty much the worst person ever (for reasons not detailed here). We used to rent videos at the video store (regular movies) basically every day after school and then watch in his smelly room while his mom was in the kitchen. Eventually maybe a few months after we broke up (finally), I went to that video store with someone else and somehow, I can't really remember how, I discovered that my ex bf was one of their most regular back room customers. It all started to make sense, so I always associate traditional porn discovery with that moment and him, unfortunately.

Does your partner KNOW about your discomfort, and does he/she take that into consideration and is respectful of that?

Yeah, when I have the fortitude to remember my tactful assertiveness Mad Libs sentences and speak up, he is nothing but kind and responsive and respectful. We have pretty different schedules – me normal daytime schedule w/varying end time based on work load, him w/work shifts that end at 1 or 3 a.m. and begin either in the morning or afternoon. This means a lot of overlap when we're not home, so plenty of time/space for us to do our own private things. I would come home sometimes around 4:30, him about to leave for a shift starting at 5, and find him jerking it in front of his compy. So when I asked, 'hey could you please do that earlier in the day, it makes me uncomfortable to come home to that,' he was understanding and made a change.

The other problem is sometimes when he is watching porn in the middle of the night, he'll crash out having left a video on loop, which means I wake up and find video that's very distressing to me, e.g. a bleach blonde lady, double anal. Like, this has happened enough that I know his tastes in porn p well, which really I would have been glad never to know. I feel understanding of 'oh you're about to go to sleep and forget to turn something off' which I do in a legit more volatile way, like leaving a shitty grocery store pizza in the oven all night. But still – !!!!

I want to thank everyone itt for sharing, man! The plurality of viewpoints is good. I feel a lot better just being able to discuss this.

bleach blonde lady, double anal is definitely the porn equivalent of a shitty grocery store pizza! ha

That would make me unhappy, too, Abbs. Like, you can only respect someone's privacy to the extent that they KEEP IT PRIVATE duh.

Agree.

Once I talked to him about it it started happening LESS but still every once in a while, and usually around a time when my maudlin ole heart is looking for something to kick itself about.

You gotta tell him straight up that he needs to be 100% discreet or find another way -- this is clearly bothering you a lot! That's just IMO and I'm a v direct person, grain of salt.

" when he is watching porn in the middle of the night, he'll crash out having left a video on loop, which means I wake up and find video that's very distressing to me, e.g. a bleach blonde lady, double anal. Like, this has happened enough that I know his tastes in porn p well"

I think the degree to which this might bother me would also probably have to do with the frequency with which it happened. It if was a once or twice then whatever but if I had a partner who was routinely watching porn in the middle of the night while I was right there in the next room I think it would probably start to bother me quite a lot.

Well, that seems like the obvious solution. Will do.
xp

"you can only respect someone's privacy to the extent that they KEEP IT PRIVATE duh."

Yeah, this is big.

I mean, is he asking you to, errr, join in because if not this seems kind of hugely disrespectful imo.

IDK, as much as it makes me feel shitty and bad, it seems like a genuine mistake when he does leave it on (it has happened maybe 6x in the eight months I've lived w/him), and it's not like whatever his porn habits are have interfered with our sex life. Maybe we/he could just move his computer to a room that's outside my morning mole trail.

I don't want to deny anyone their little pleasures, I have def had the thought, "I could never live with someone because there would go my chance to get myself off the way I like and then leave any accoutrements wherever I happen to drop them and go to sleep in peace" (even though I know we've talked about how this isn't necessarily the case irl, which is great). Even the nicest hypothetical boyfriend probably doesn't want to have to remove the vibrator from his side of the bed where I chucked it 5 nights out of 7. But falling asleep with porn on loop when you know your gf will wake up and be upset by it is insensitive? I mean, you DO live together, a person has get shipshape to their partner's satisfaction not because what they were doing is wrong but because they're responsive to their partner.

^^^

Yeah, I totally agree.

otm

I think the other ladies have covered all the vitals so: make him turn off the looping function! Sheesh! I would give my husband hell just for that annoyance.

Even the nicest hypothetical boyfriend probably doesn't want to have to remove the vibrator from his side of the bed where I chucked it

Nor does the nicest female flatmate confronted by similar but in the bathroom (whoops yes. I did this once. Argh)

I'm only barely scratching the surface of some femininity ideas in my life rn but I think it's possible that deep down I don't think I deserve to have a sexual nature, or interact with others as if I do, unless I'm performing femininity a certain way? Like that's the entrance requirement to participating in human mating rituals.

Like I said in the dating ish thread, I haven't had to perform much of anything for a while, because outside of work life I pretty much only do things with people who accept me however I am; I don't have to dress up for my friends. But I put on a skirt suit and heels for an interview the other week and I realized I put on a whole schtick with it, one in which I'm a "woman" in a different way. It wasn't unpleasant, it was fun, and I can still walk in heels juuust fine, but I knew it was a temporary role, and it's hard to remember that I did that 5x a week for 10 years and I wonder, did that disempower me a little? I think it made me a little more malleable, not that anyone would ever describe me as docile but I think I lost something.

Still interrogating.

i know "it could be way worse" is less than helpful in most situations, but I find it far preferable for my partner to jerk off to porn than to pictures of girls we know on Facebook or w/e! I was dating a guy who def left no doubt that that was his main thing in that arena. Sometimes the former (reg porn watching) makes me uncomfortable if I get too deep into thinking about it, also, but as Laurel said, it's important to extend freedoms to others that you want for yourself, and I definitely don't want my partner obsessing over/comparing himself to any erotic material I happen to see/watch/whatever.

I'm away visiting friends and family and I've forgotten to pack my next pack of pills (am on the 'off' week at the moment). Well, I packed them, then left behind the thing I packed them in, forgetting they were in it. No way of getting them here as I don't have my prescription with me. Is it a health no-no to miss a month and then go back on them again? Guess I'm going to do it anyway...

afaik it's fine to miss as long as you want - the same conditions apply when you restart it as when you first ever took it; you have to be back on it 2 weeks or something (check with yr pharmacist) before it's actually safe to have unprotected sex

yeah - no sex involved right now, just a bit annoyed about the yo-yo on-off thing as it's possibly not ideal hormonally or sumfink, but I don't have much choice!

You may get a heavy period as a result, tho? I havent been on the pill in forever (smoker, can't), so I forget how it works if you skip for that long.

Speaking of tho, I wish I could find a self-applied BC that I could have as a smoker that wasnt condoms. I tried Implanon and Depo Prov and they sent me into an icky depressed state.

Not that I'm advocating barebacking all the time, esp with new dateboys, but I have to admit I hate the stop n faffle about of condoms :/

xp yes, it probably won't be a pleasant week!

hey trayce do they have the nuva ring there? i stan for it all the time. i had all the same issues w/ hating condoms and getting depressed on other BCs. it has such a low dose of hormones (because it doesnt have to travel far in your body? that's the explanation i got) that it doesnt affect your mood

Yeah ymmv, it did affect my emotional state noticeably the 2nd time I went on it, but I just decided to stop fucking w hormones at that point. Still, def an improvement over orally administered bcp, not affected by vomiting, not affected by antibiotics or oth meds, you can safely take it out for up to 3 hrs (iirc) if you want to remove it for sex or anything else (just don't forget to put it back in).

Me too. I had to stop using it for that reason (period migraines, specifically) and I don't regret it even though my period is like a feelings monsoon at this point, but nuva was def the most manageable of the hormonal options (for me).

” feelings monsoon” is perfect

yeah i should have said ymmv. its a good thing to try tho if you have problems with the jacked up hormone based methods.

i had p severe mood-related side effects from depo provera but stayed on it for like 2 years anyway. i was dumb

You know, I don't think I know anybody didn't have side effects from depo.

yeah im pretty sure everyone i know who took it had side effects, too.

I'm fine with it, was on it for 7 years. I'm back on it, in fact, after having my IUD yanked.

You're messing up my stats, lady.

Oh wait I did have one side effect from dmpa: I didn't get pregnant. Awesome!

Not to totally change the subject but I am totally changing the subject...

http://doughnuttales.blogspot.com/2013/08/surviving-tuesday.html?zx=92a3d98a95d4befd

I've been meaning to post this because it is about the perils of being nice. The blog is classified as "adult" but this page is completely SFW.

There are two things that really stood out. First this more or less describes about 20 years of my life:

as young girls we're told that we are, in the words of the old tune “Nobody until somebody loves us”. Therefore, being well-liked an popular is the most important thing in our fragile little worlds I would also submit that this need to be esteemed, well-liked and popular often goes to such an extreme as to make it downright contrary to our own well-being. Rather than this desire for community being a protective instinct, it becomes a self-destructive and manipulative one.

And I also have a story of letting someone stay with me over my instinctive misgivings. I did it in part because I wanted to be nice but also because in my stupid community of laid-back hippies, being the woman who was protective about her space and boundaries was particularly frowned upon and considered very bitchy and uncool and materialistic and selfish. So I ended up letting some complete stranger hippie dude just traveling through town stay at my apartment where I lived alone, and after I let him in and showed him the couch, I got so freaked out I actually got a butcher knife and kept it in bed with me all night and did not sleep. Nothing happened other than he left really early in the morning and stole about 15 CDs from me so I guess everything worked out? Anyway, that was kind of a watershed moment for me as far as that community and my boundaries and my worries about appearing cool went.

that is really interesting. and relevant to my life atm tbh

If you feel like saying how, I am interested. But obv no pressure and I don't want to pry.

I keep thinking of more examples when women were ignored or shouted down in that community for expressing concerns for their safety or just setting boundaries about their space and it is making me sad because I was often on the side of the dudes, less I lose my status as well-liked and popular. :( Oh well, I'm old and proudly bitchy now and those hippies can fucking bite me.

one of the nicest things about getting older for me has been acknowledging to myself that wanting men to think i was cool drove way too much of my behavior in the past, and also the fact that i am too old and tired to care if men think i'm cool anymore. but i think that's related to the nice thing. i will go read that blog post now.

that is a fantastic blog entry. I have definitely reached a wise-enough age wherein I no longer care if I seem uptight or bitchy.

I have had a few experiences with men crossing the line with me, specifically in clubs...

Incident #1 involved a man caressing my stomach without my permission. I freaked out and screamed at him. His response? To call me an uptight bitch. Even worse, I was with a guy I was dating and HE told me to "relax"

Incident #2 involved a man I was dancing with at a club who decided IT WAS A GREAT IDEA TO CHOKE ME. Again, I got very angry and yelled at him. Once again, my male friends told me I was overreacting.

Grrrr especially at your male friends.

they justified it to say that if I got too angry they'd be forced to step in and pummel the dude and get into a brawl. what.

oh ffs.

Wow, what the heck.