no boys allowed in the room!!!!

so... how important is it these days for a girl to know how to cook well? Or even just, you know, not burn everything.

Does anyone else feel pressured to "be into" traditional girl stuff like cooking and sewing and crafts, shopping, and doing hair and make up? I'm pretty girly but I just have never got the hang of this stuff and feel that I'm paying a price for it the older I get.

i constantly feel like i have to know how to dress appropriate to the occasion (e.g. what to wear to the theatre or to a fancy dinner), how to put on makeup, how to walk in heels, how to wear jewellery without fidgeting, etc. I'm not very girly and that stuff just takes so much hard work, but I feel like I'll be judged very harshly for getting it wrong so I can't just opt out the way I can opt out of girly social stuff like shopping. On the other hand I don't feel pressured into cooking/sewing, maybe purely because i'm minimally competent at them already.

well, cooking is important because it's useful to know how to feed/nourish yourself. has little to do with what other people think imo.

get out of here

Well, you can opt out of things that you just don't do. Lots of people don't go the opera. Or cocktail parties. Or, I dunno, encase sparkly things in plastic and call them jewelry and sell them on etsy.

http://www.whatthefuckshouldimakefordinner.com/veg.php <-----pretty cool website I prob should have found earlier.

I am perfectly capable of feeding myself. It is feeding others that is the problem. I'm cool with lightly sauteed vegetables with very little seasoning and some rice or a salad or something. I'm also partial to the sandwich. BUT when I make something for OTHER people {sometimes [usually] (a) dude(s)} there's this expectation that maybe I am putting on myself to CREATE something MAGNIFICENT and then it ends up burning and I pout because I'm not being a good home maker or whatever. I never aspired to be a home maker which is why I never put effort into learning home make-y things (because they were always boring to me), but now I think that guys maybe want me to know my way around a kitchen and are going to be disappointed when they find out that I'm not as good as I should be, being a girl and all.

Also a lot of my girlfriends aren't into opera or cocktail parties but they are really into, like, making their own pads and shoes and sitting around knitting or baking kale (ew). These are things I think are cool and have tried many times but can never really get into myself. A lot of times by opting out of these things I am opting out of entire friendships, and that sucks.

the solution to the first thing is boys who can cook.

not sure i can help you
this doesn't sound like a genuine problem to me -- sounds like you are feeling imaginary pressure

yes. you are right. horse shoe also has a good point.

i do not feel pressured to know anything but i feel bad about some stuff i don't know how to do that is not girl stuff so maybe you should consider it that way, learn how to be better at cooking only if you want to not because some dude is gonna be unimpressed

I feel this pressure too, peacocks. I have lived off ready meals and stuff straight out of a can forever and now I realise I can't cook at all. Have found a boy who can cook but still feel guilty when he says he is tired of cooking every night (but when I do cook I fuck up the timings and he looks vaguely disapproving at the tasteless mush I serve up, or when I say "oh hey let's eat this thing I like and have cooked before!" it is something he doesn't like anyway)

womanhood is all about the imaginary pressures, right? then some of them turn out not to be so imaginary no matter how many well-meaning people tell us we should just get up and deal

WomanhoodAdulthood is all about imaginary pressures.

So the "feminine thing" is to be good at in-the-house stuff and leave out-of-house & repairing stuff to the guys, but now most of of us live in apts without yards or whatever and probably don't have cars that need fixing and/or no one does their own plumbing anyway so we don't have traditional division of labor any longer. Conclusion: the home and quality-of-life stuff ends up being mostly what needs to get done.

It's sort of uncool to totally opt out of a chore, that's like if your boyfriend said "I'm never doing the laundry because I don't like it and I will ensure that I do a bad job, so you should just do it now before it becomes a problem." Maybe you're cool with that, and whoever doesn't feel like doing laundry when it's their turn will take it out and pay $12 to have it dropped off out of their own spending budget. Or whoever dislikes cooking/can't cook can put aside money to order in at least one night a week if the partner cooks the other 5 nights (plus one night for sandwiches because I love sandwiches).

Or just offer to take over something else that you dislike doing less. It depends on what matters to you both!

My bf thinks dinner has to be a hot meal of some kind, and I could care less if I eat sandwiches (SANDWICHES!) or leftovers or a salad or cheese & crackers or whatever. So on nights when I'm tired or lazy, if he wants a hot dinner, he'll just have to cook it. (Frequently these are the nights he buys a roasted chicken at the grocery store's deli counter.)

i fell slight pressure to perform in the kitchen, but i think my BF does too

we are both overly apologetic when something goes wrong

one of my most bizzare interactions ever with a male was centered on the cooking issues. we were not romantically involved, and were very new friends. he came over and i was sick. he said he would cook some mashed potatoes. he worked for ages on them and the house was full of wonderful smells. then he delivered them to me: diced potatoes that were somehow completely raw swimming in garlicky, buttery water, and then he wordlessly exited. it was very awkward

i will admit that i am a pretty awesome cook, but i taught myself 100% and that's because i wanted to, not because i cared what anyone thought. it's just something i enjoy doing and getting better at and whatever. i don't know how to play music, so this is my creative contribution to the world.

gotta tell you though -- i feel more or less immune to these imaginary pressures. i would like to learn how to sew, but not really because i feel deficient in any way; i just want to make clothes my size.

that potato water - yuk

i guess it is uncool to opt out of cooking, but when me cooking makes us both unhappy - ??? (probably can't live on chinese takeaway half the week)

though currently the division is that he cooks everything and i pay for the everything, which is probably only going to make us both unhappy, him cz he's doing all the work and me cz i'm spending all the money

should have learnt to cook instead of being lazy and now it is too late as apparently we are never out on different nights to each other

i will admit that i am a pretty awesome cook, but i taught myself 100% and that's because i wanted to, not because i cared what anyone thought. it's just something i enjoy doing and getting better at and whatever.

Yeah, same. My dad is a retired chef and basically grew up in the restaurant my parents owned so that's probably part of it for me too but it's something I love doing. Because my dad was a chef he cooked every single meal that we ever ate. My mom would bake like once a year but I only saw her cook dinner once. My dad was out of town and she made some weird tuna casserole that was like something out of a cookbook from the '50s. I guess maybe because of this I don't really have any sort of "women should be the ones who cook" mentality or feel that pressure. It's just something I enjoy.

I like all the hair and makeup stuff too but not because of weird pressures - I think it's fun.

yeah i mean, if you like it do it. if you don't, find something you enjoy doing and do that.

Yeah and if anyone makes you feel bad about not liking certain things then they can go fuck themselves imo.

I love cooking. Tonight I made a few days' worth of Jamaican curry lamb and eating this for dinner tonight was kind of perfect for post-election sleep deprivation and the cure of same.

Here's an easy one, spacecadet: orzo. Orzo is pasta that looks like rice, and is at Italian shops. Fry some bacon lardons until well-done and reserve. Chop 200g mushrooms and saute before reserving in the bowl w/lardons. Dice a large onion and fry in olive oil at a highish temp until golden, adding a bit of salt during frying. Add not a mug but a teacup full of orzo pasta to the fried onions and fry until the orzo starts to pick up some colour. Use the same teacup to add one cup of white wine to the pan, followed by three cups of water. Turn down the heat by half so the orzo can cook, and when it is tender, return the bacon and mushrooms to the pan. Warm these through, add two giant spoonfuls of creme fraiche and some cracked pepper. Warm through, plate 'em up and toss some parmesan and more pepper on the top.

You can follow the orzo/onions template to just about any conclusion (I did mussels and scallions orzo yesterday and I'm going to make the orzo version of macaroni and cheese) once you get comfortable with making it.

that sounds REALLY good.

I can only read about cooking angst for so long before I throw an easy recipe at the problem (and this is one I made up myself). Also takes not a long time (think of it like a risotto you don't have to obsessively stir) so perfect for slightly demotivated/preoccupied people who think 'oh shit, must feed self' at some random point in the day.

That does sound good! Boyfriend does not eat pasta which has made most of my own limited cooking knowledge redundant, but next time he's not here I might see if I can get some orzo (deli nearby probably has it). Have tried risottos and paella but they have always turned into a not very flavourful soup, so an easy alternative sounds great.

I really hate making risotto. Maybe if I'm using up the last of a dying hunk of parmesan, but there are so many things that I could use that up in, it seems stupid to make a special trip to the shops for arborio rice. There's an orzo-ish variant on paella called fideua that's well worth attempting, and I think it tastes nicer than paella.

If you've got an Asian shop that sells pre-made spice preps for various dishes, trying biriyani using the recipe on the box might be boyfriend-friendly. All of the box cheats you can buy at those shops are completely legit/tasty in the eyes of yr avg Asian mum BTW, and you'll get an idea for the right level of spice in an 'authentic' recipe.

That recipe sounds delicious and do-able (except for the lardons but I'm veg so). Also what is cream fraiche? I'll google it.

Cooking is easier for me when there is a plan of action and instructions. My step mom is one of those McGyver kitchen people who can make something amazing out of anything and my mom was until recently a fast food, microwave dinner or ground beef meely muck mo type person so maybe some of the pressure comes from seeing my mom stress when hearing what I ate over the weekend at my dad's.

Creme fraiche is like sour cream, but lighter. If you're in America, go for sour cream because for some reason creme fraiche is $$$$$ there.

Original recipe and its variants are so easy - the hardest thing is a walk to the Italian market for the orzo. I may have to splurge and buy truffle oil since the restaurant dish I'm replicating was pure bliss because of this ingredient.

i've done that! (splurged on truffle oil to replicate a restaurant dish) when i make something like this, sometimes after toasting the starch (orzo/rice) i add a little sherry to the mixture before the stock. it adds a lot of flavor and makes it taste fancy.

also peacocks you should stop listening to the pressure and spend more time cooking with the stepmom, provided that you enjoy her company.

Yeah if yr partner nixed pasta completely, I see how that would make cooking much more difficult! My partner has nixed all Mexican foods, because apparently he "hates" it (you can hate meat and vegetables and cheese on a corn-meal plate? Who knew??). So that's a pain.

I bought orzo last weekend to make a cold salad with chickpeas, lemon juice, and something else, but maybe I'll use suzy's plan instead!

I very often make one thing for my partner and something completely different for myself. Last night he had a small steak, a spinach salad, and couscous. I had fish on a bed of greens with some couscous on the side. Sometimes I make soup for me and then different stuff for him. I used to make the same thing for both of us, but I got tired of always eating what he wanted. Now I still cook it all, but I get to eat what I want. We've lived together for ~10 yrs, so these things happen.

I actually have a tinytiny bottle of truffle oil! At which point would the truffle oil be applied, suzy? Thinking I might do this this evening as other half is out and I'll be going past a deli which may have orzo. Depends on if deli is open when I get there.

(Yes, most of my lazy cook-for-self recipes were pasta-based, or at least the ones which could actually came out OK fairly consistently. Have considered redoing them with e.g. couscous but he's not mad on tomato-based or carbonara-ish sauces either so may as well give up on them completely.)

i drizzle a (very!) little bit over the whole thing at the end, but i am not suzy

Plenty of pasta sauces could transition to being soups and be eaten with crusty buttered bread instead of pasta. Just thin them out with whatever base seems like the most logical for that sauce: some things would become soups with veg or chicken broth, some things you could thin ("thin") with cream. Then after you've made it that way once or twice, if you want it thicker in the future try adding some diced potatoes, or cook & blend some cauliflower to give it more body. Maybe it could use a can of white beans to make it more hearty (tip: white beans go awesome with the whole cannon of Italian sauces).

The trick may be to trick yourself into cooking while making your lizard-brain think you're just doing what you usually do.

Yep, right at the end. The place where I had ham/mushroom orzo in creamy sauce mixed parmesan and breadcrumbs infused with truffle oil and sprinkled it on top of the orzo, in a little ramekin, and then put this under a grill for a minute. Smelled amazing. You can also just put a few drops in at the end, less complicated.

Is there any food that when rejected by a partner, becomes a deal-breaker? I would be really annoyed if I had to make different meals (and the corresponding extra dishes) for two people and probably wouldn't weather someone who hated a major cuisine that I loved.

Orzo is better hot. Oddly, I used to stay away from pasta in college because I did not want to eat Poor Student Food. I don't think I've eaten cold pasta salad since 1989 - too dressingish - unless it's the 5-gallon batch of shrimp/egg/grape/macaroni salad my mother is liable to make for picnics and potlucks, which casual readers are right to be scared by. She would want to chop my arm off for shrimp-raiding this delicacy when I was little, but hey.

i could never live with a vegan
(sorry vegans)

It's pretty Midwestern but White Chicken Chili is a total no-brainer, if you're interested in the recp.

xp Haha I am suspicious of all mayo-based salads or the slimy pasta-with-oil things I see at New Jersey cook-outs, except that my mom has always made a tuna & pasta salad that's probably grosser than all of the above combined but in fact I love it.

I LOVED eating Ramen or instant rice things in college b/c I'd never had them before/they were not allowed at home.

Honestly, if someone gave me vinaigrette-soaked pasta and pepper salad in the 21st Century it would be deeply embarrassing. Midwestern Mom salad does imprint though I'm tempted to call it 'summer hotdish' because there's still tuna/chicken/beans in it and Durkee onions on top.

It's sad but my reaction to vegans being awkward* is BRING ME BACON or similar.

*awkward = not letting you know they're a vegan until they land in the middle of your dinner party, or in any way doing a PSA for veganism in the middle of something else.

yeah, i don't even like meat that much, but tell me i can't have it and i want a burger

Our version is a cold tuna-and-pasta salad using large shell pasta with small amnt mayo as a binder, extra lemon juice, shredded carrot, shredded cheddar, halved grapes, diced celery, sometimes halved pimiento olives (which I pick out). I think it must have evolved from "how can I feed 6 people with what's in the pantry, and sneak in two or three vegetables?"

i think my mom's pasta salad is good. no mayo or grapes (?) though. usually pieces of fresh mozzarella, olives, roasted red peppers, some other stuff i can't remember.

Oh yeah, where it detours to cheddar and grapes, we're not even pretending that this is related to Italian food in any way. Fresh mozz sounds nice.

i am a fan of cold pasta in general

OH well see that was more when I was a kid. My mom is retired now and makes all kinds of things so we have been cooking together more. My step dad is usually the main cook but they mostly work as a team which is what I would like in a relationship re. cooking.

Last week's egg fiasco had me unnecessarily nervous and quite overly apologetic. I'm over it now since I was able to prove to myself that I am not a complete kitchen ignoramus by making excellent blueberry pancakes from scratch for mother's day and spent more time in the kitchen making lunch and helping with dinner.

I'm vegetarian and am seeing a meat eater. He hasn't expressed any desire to make things with meat when we're eating together which is nice but eventually I'm sure he'll want to. I don't think I would object to preparing meat as long as I don't have to buy it and of course not eat it. Although, over the years I have become increasingly more squeamish when it comes to bloody looking meat. I guess I'll just have to find out when the time comes.

i don't really enjoy cooking meat and would have trouble being with someone who needs it every day. i've been eating more chicken lately but without a dishwasher i'm afraid to let it touch too many surfaces.

ps. my mom always makes tuna salad with apples, chopped almonds, celery, olive oil mayo and curry powder. It is sooo good and one of the only times I will ever eat fish.

My mom's evil salad is small/large shrimps, white grape halves, macaroni shells, boiled eggs, finely chopped scallions, mayo. If I'm not around I'm sure she makes it with tuna. Things I didn't eat as a child: mayo-based salads, Boston baked beans, canned tuna (still will hurl at smell), jello salad, fucking horrible five-bean salad and anything made with Miracle Whip. At summer potlucks I had very little choice apart from grill stuff and fruit.

hb: Plant mister full of water with a capful of bleach, recommended. Best not to accidentally get any on your clothes, though.

Or if your sink has a drain-stopper, dump all the things that touched the chicken in there, cover them w hot water, add couple of caps of bleach, wait 5 mins or so. Drain hot water, wash items normally.

It's not perfect but it's more than adequate for at-home use.

XP now see, that's a mongrel salad too, some let's-add-canned-fish version of the Walforf. I feel better now.

XXP. And WalDorf, obv.