JACK HANDEY...POO!!

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I BET A FUNNY THING ABOUT DRIVING
A CAR OFF A CLIFF IS, WHILE YOU'RE IN
MIDAIR, YOU STILL HIT THOSE
BRAKES! HEY, BETTER TRY THE
EMERGENCY BRAKE!

ddb (ddb), Sunday, 27 March 2005 23:23 (fifteen years ago) link

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

sleep (sleep), Monday, 28 March 2005 00:16 (fifteen years ago) link

One thing I always felt bad about was kicking Grandma in the head with my football shoes on. But what was her head doing right by the football like that? And how did the football get in her bed?

tehresa (tehresa), Monday, 28 March 2005 00:18 (fifteen years ago) link

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

caitlin oh no (caitxa1), Monday, 28 March 2005 00:25 (fifteen years ago) link

Uncle Todd never wanted to talk about the war. I'd ask him all the time to tell me about it, but wouldn't ever talk about it. So I started leaving little notes all over his house saying "Talk about the war." Also, I'd call him up late at night and just say "the war," and hang up. I think he cracked up and had to go somplace. He should've talked about the war.

amon (eman), Monday, 28 March 2005 01:18 (fifteen years ago) link

I'd like to see a human skull caught in a spider web, because it's either a real strong web or a real light skull.

amon (eman), Monday, 28 March 2005 01:19 (fifteen years ago) link

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

cutty (mcutt), Monday, 28 March 2005 01:21 (fifteen years ago) link

When this girl at the art museum asked me whom I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.

Hurting (Hurting), Monday, 28 March 2005 03:56 (fifteen years ago) link

This one is kind of like an answer to The Band's "The Weight":

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

Hurting (Hurting), Monday, 28 March 2005 03:57 (fifteen years ago) link

SOMETIMES I think I'd be better
off dead. No, wait. Not me, you.

ddb (ddb), Monday, 28 March 2005 03:59 (fifteen years ago) link

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.

Hurting (Hurting), Monday, 28 March 2005 04:08 (fifteen years ago) link

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear your partner has been turned into Dracula. Next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham! You just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, 'Think again, batman.'

Allyzay Subservient 50s-Type (allyzay), Monday, 28 March 2005 04:09 (fifteen years ago) link

FUCK U AND YR POO SHIT I HAVE 2 QUOTES

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Allyzay Subservient 50s-Type (allyzay), Monday, 28 March 2005 04:10 (fifteen years ago) link

"Can we keep him, Dad, can we keep him?!" I implored.
"Keep what?" said Dad, shifting his pipe in his mouth. I carefully opened the shoe box, and there, inside, was nothing but tissue paper. I guess it got out. Later that night, though, I got Dad's pipe and cracked it with a nutcracker, for fun.

amon (eman), Monday, 28 March 2005 04:25 (fifteen years ago) link

Oops, I forgot about the POO, and I posted 3.

Hurting (Hurting), Monday, 28 March 2005 04:35 (fifteen years ago) link

Pick Only Onehundred

There are two theories about what happens to a skunk if he gets into heaven. One is that he no longer stinks. The other is that his stink is super strong. Both these theories are by me.

amon (eman), Monday, 28 March 2005 04:40 (fifteen years ago) link

When Gary told me he had found Jesus, I thought, Yahoo! We're rich! But it turned out to be something different.

j blount (papa la bas), Monday, 28 March 2005 04:43 (fifteen years ago) link

- Jack Handey

I'll never forget the time I got caught stealing watermelons from old Mr. Barnslow's watermelon patch. I was with my friend Bobby. We were giggling so hard I thought I'd wet my pants! At first we tried to steal two watermelons each, but they were too heavy and we dropped them, and that made us laugh even harder. Finally, we each picked out a good one, and we were just about to sneak back through the fence when we heard a low, deep voice behind us. "Just where do you think you're going with those watermelons?" I gulped and turned around. It was old Mr. Barnslow, pointing his shotgun at us. Bobby dropped his watermelon, then pulled out the .38 revolver he kept in his waist, turned, and fired. But the turning must have thrown off his aim, because the shot only hit Mr. Barnslow in the thigh. Mr. Barnslow immediately fired both barrels at Bobby. One blast of buckshot missed entirely, but the other tore into Bobby's shoulder. He tried to fire back, but his shoulder was so torn up he couldn't raise his arm. Just as he was trying to switch to his left hand, Mr. Barnslow ran up and cracked him across the face with the butt of his shotgun. Bobby fell to the ground in a heap. Mr. Barnslow raised the butt of his gun to finish him off, but just then Bobby pulled out his hunting knife and plunged it into the farmer's big white belly. After that, I don't think I stole watermelons for at least a year.

Allyzay Subservient 50s-Type (allyzay), Monday, 28 March 2005 06:47 (fifteen years ago) link

I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.

nickalicious (nickalicious), Monday, 28 March 2005 16:53 (fifteen years ago) link

you have all picked my favoritesss!!!

gygax! (gygax!), Monday, 28 March 2005 16:58 (fifteen years ago) link

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, forget em', cause, man, they're gone.

nickalicious (nickalicious), Monday, 28 March 2005 17:16 (fifteen years ago) link

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

Hurting (Hurting), Tuesday, 29 March 2005 01:58 (fifteen years ago) link

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

mark p (Mark P), Tuesday, 29 March 2005 05:23 (fifteen years ago) link

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

mark p (Mark P), Tuesday, 29 March 2005 05:24 (fifteen years ago) link

If you rob a bank, and your pants fall down, its okay to laugh. and let your hostages laugh too, because come on, life is funny.

Felonious Drunk (Felcher), Tuesday, 29 March 2005 20:55 (fifteen years ago) link

Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.

Allyzay Subservient 50s-Type (allyzay), Wednesday, 30 March 2005 01:49 (fifteen years ago) link

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.

Hurting (Hurting), Wednesday, 30 March 2005 01:55 (fifteen years ago) link

I was doing this while uploading stuff for work, and I almost uploaded that last one instead of a description of a lawsuit. Wouldn't that have been fantastic?

Hurting (Hurting), Wednesday, 30 March 2005 01:56 (fifteen years ago) link

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call up the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

Allyzay Subservient 50s-Type (allyzay), Wednesday, 30 March 2005 01:59 (fifteen years ago) link

Heh heh, I love that one.

Hurting (Hurting), Wednesday, 30 March 2005 02:02 (fifteen years ago) link

Whenever I see a poor person on the street, I want to go up and grab him by the collar and shout, "Hey, buddy, get your act together!" Then when I see a rich guy, I want to walk up to him and politely say, "Excuse me, but could you please get your act together?"

amon (eman), Wednesday, 30 March 2005 02:07 (fifteen years ago) link

IF U EVER DISCOVER THAT
WHAT YOU'RE SEEING IS A
PLAY WITHIN A PLAY, JUST
SLOW DOWN, TAKE A DEEP
BREATH, AND HOLD ON FOR
TEH RIDE OF YOUR LIFE.

ddb (ddb), Friday, 1 April 2005 13:23 (fifteen years ago) link

hurting, what do you do for a living?

cutty (mcutt), Friday, 1 April 2005 13:37 (fifteen years ago) link

I can't believe you haven't included my ALL TIME FAVORITE:

remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

David Allen (David Allen), Friday, 1 April 2005 13:53 (fifteen years ago) link

oh man, that one rules.

cutty (mcutt), Friday, 1 April 2005 14:08 (fifteen years ago) link

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

ddb (ddb), Friday, 1 April 2005 14:23 (fifteen years ago) link

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

mark p (Mark P), Friday, 1 April 2005 14:59 (fifteen years ago) link

my favorite is the keys in the molten lava one... good show nickalicious... that's the one i always remember.
m.

msp (mspa), Friday, 1 April 2005 15:27 (fifteen years ago) link

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and he married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said "Dust to dust", some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven - with a gun."

amon (eman), Friday, 1 April 2005 21:04 (fifteen years ago) link

jack handey vs. mitch hedberg

cutty (mcutt), Friday, 1 April 2005 21:17 (fifteen years ago) link

People ask me what folly is.
I'll tell you what folly is.
Is it a kind of candy?

Amon (eman), Wednesday, 6 April 2005 11:22 (fifteen years ago) link

jack handey pwns mitch hedberg

caitlin oh no (caitxa1), Wednesday, 6 April 2005 11:57 (fifteen years ago) link

hurting, what do you do for a living?

-- cutty

I'm a "legal reporter" -- basically I read legal documents and summarize them.

Hurting (Hurting), Thursday, 7 April 2005 02:07 (fifteen years ago) link

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."

Hurting (Hurting), Thursday, 7 April 2005 02:17 (fifteen years ago) link

Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.

Allyzay Subservient 50s-Type (allyzay), Thursday, 7 April 2005 02:25 (fifteen years ago) link

I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.

Allyzay Subservient 50s-Type (allyzay), Thursday, 7 April 2005 02:26 (fifteen years ago) link

Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again.

Hurting (Hurting), Thursday, 7 April 2005 02:41 (fifteen years ago) link

remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and said, "Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why don't we go out to the horse pasture and I'll show you." So we did, and there on the ground were my parents having sex.

Hurting (Hurting), Thursday, 7 April 2005 02:57 (fifteen years ago) link

Two I remember but can't find on the net (slightly paraphrased):

You know what's a good way to make a woman angry? Just run up to her and kick her in the shin.

If I am my brother's brother, who am I? Answer: Me.

Hurting (Hurting), Thursday, 7 April 2005 03:02 (fifteen years ago) link

Sorry, here it is:

You know one thing that will really make a woman mad? Just run up and kick her in the butt. (P.S. This also works with men.)

Hurting (Hurting), Thursday, 7 April 2005 03:18 (fifteen years ago) link

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmboy.

Sterling Clover (s_clover), Thursday, 7 April 2005 23:23 (fifteen years ago) link

I love going down to the elementary school, watching all the kids jump and shout, but they dont know I'm using blanks.

I DESIRE...MACARONI NECKLACES AND SOAP SCULPTURES (Matt Chesnut), Thursday, 7 April 2005 23:53 (fifteen years ago) link

The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?

David Svensson (deangulberry), Friday, 8 April 2005 00:08 (fifteen years ago) link

four years pass...

i think jack handey is the person who has most influenced my sense of humor

Bobby Wo (max), Wednesday, 21 October 2009 22:56 (eleven years ago) link

whoa me too i think

how rad bandit (gbx), Wednesday, 21 October 2009 23:00 (eleven years ago) link

my parents had one of his books and i used to read it over and over with my brother and just lol so hard, age 12 or so

harbl, Wednesday, 21 October 2009 23:02 (eleven years ago) link

my sense of humor has not changed since age 12 btw

harbl, Wednesday, 21 October 2009 23:03 (eleven years ago) link

very handey:

http://twitter.com/fireland

cutty, Wednesday, 21 October 2009 23:05 (eleven years ago) link

i have a page-a-day calendar from '99 thats all jack handey deep thoughts

am0n, Thursday, 22 October 2009 02:40 (eleven years ago) link

as i bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable. until i realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but a HUMAN HEAD!

andrew m., Thursday, 22 October 2009 03:23 (eleven years ago) link

can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.
― nickalicious (nickalicious), Monday, March 28, 2005 11:53 AM (4 years ago) Bookmark

^^^ scanned the thread to see if anyone had posted this

dmr, Thursday, 22 October 2009 03:25 (eleven years ago) link

these are even more hilarious than i remember

hope this helps (Granny Dainger), Thursday, 22 October 2009 05:14 (eleven years ago) link

I remember I was hammering on a fence in the backyard when Dad approached. He was carrying a letter or something in his hand, and he looked worried.
I continued to hammer as he came toward me. "Son," he said, "why are you hammering on that fence? It already has plenty of nails in it."
"Oh, I'm not using nails," I replied. "I'm just hammering." With that, I returned to my hammering.
Dad asked me to stop hammering, as he had some news. I did stop hammering, but first I got a couple more hammers in, and this seemed to make Dad mad. "I said, stop hammering!" he yelled.
I think he felt bad for yelling at me, especially since it looked like he had bad news. "Look," he said, "you can hammer later, but first--"
Well, I didn't even wait to hear the rest. As soon as I heard "You can hammer," that's what I started doing. Hammering away, happy as an old hammer dog.
Dad tried to physically stop me from hammering by inserting a small log of some sort between my hammer and the fence. But I just kept on hammering, 'cause that's the way I am when I get that hammer going. Then, he just grabbed my arm and and made me stop.
"I'm afraid I have some news for you," he said.
I swear, what I did next was not hammering. I was just letting the hammer swing lazily at arm's length, and maybe it tapped the fence once or twice, but that's all. That apparently didn't make any difference whatsoever to Dad, because he just grabbed my hammer out of my hand and flung it across the field.
And when I saw my hammer flying helplessly through the air like that I just couldn't take it. I burst out crying, I admit it. And I ran to the house, as fast as my legs could take me.
"Son, come back!" yelled Dad. "What about your hammer?!"
But I could not have cared less about hammering at that point. I ran into the house and flung myself onto my bed, pounding the bed with my fists. I pounded and pounded, until finally, behind me, I heard a voice. "As long as you're pounding, why not use this?" I turned, and it was Dad, holding a brand-new solid-gold hammer.
I quickly wiped the tears from my eyes and ran to Dad's outstretched arms. But suddenly, he jumped out of the way, and I went sailing through the second-story window behind him.
Whenever I hear about a kid getting in trouble with the drugs, I like to tell him this story.

I Am Curious (The Yellow Kid), Thursday, 22 October 2009 05:18 (eleven years ago) link

http://www.deepthoughtsbyjackhandey.com/fuzzymemSNL.html

"Fising": "Nice try, 'Dad'...if that's your real name."

hope this helps (Granny Dainger), Thursday, 22 October 2009 05:28 (eleven years ago) link

It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about a hundred drumsticks, the the guy at the Marineland says, "You can't throw chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish." Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them. Man, wise up.

cialis morissette (goole), Thursday, 22 October 2009 05:30 (eleven years ago) link

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

hope this helps (Granny Dainger), Thursday, 22 October 2009 05:42 (eleven years ago) link

Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.

weatheringdaleson, Thursday, 22 October 2009 06:16 (eleven years ago) link

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

estela, Thursday, 22 October 2009 08:33 (eleven years ago) link

love the hammering one

am0n, Thursday, 22 October 2009 13:13 (eleven years ago) link

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

andrew m., Thursday, 22 October 2009 14:53 (eleven years ago) link

where are these longer ones coming from? i've never seen/read them before!

andrew m., Thursday, 22 October 2009 14:53 (eleven years ago) link

http://www.newyorker.com/humor/2008/03/03/080303sh_shouts_handey

some gold if you search the new yorker site for his name... but unfortunately my favourite piece, "stunned" is only an abstract now

banned, on the run (s1ocki), Thursday, 22 October 2009 15:02 (eleven years ago) link

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/ABPub/2006/09/06/2003246232.jpg

am0n, Thursday, 22 October 2009 15:12 (eleven years ago) link

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unfrozen_Caveman_Lawyer

am0n, Thursday, 22 October 2009 15:15 (eleven years ago) link

omg never heard of this guy before. these are killing me!

George Mucus (ledge), Thursday, 22 October 2009 15:26 (eleven years ago) link

very handey:

http://twitter.com/fireland

― cutty, Wednesday, October 21, 2009 6:05 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark

^^^^^ amazing

chemical ali v. chemical frazier (m bison), Thursday, 22 October 2009 16:45 (eleven years ago) link

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

honesty is not ordinary to the height of the bunny hop (Hunt3r), Thursday, 22 October 2009 18:14 (eleven years ago) link

fireland is so great. there's so many of them too

"My kid's got ADD so we're thinking about sending her to one of those concentration camps?"

jaxon, Thursday, 22 October 2009 18:35 (eleven years ago) link

Ingredients of Happy Fun Ball include an unknown glowing green substance which fell to Earth, presumably from outer space.

...And You Will Know Us by the BLAZE of YA DEAD HOMIE (los blue jeans), Friday, 23 October 2009 05:41 (eleven years ago) link

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

banned, on the run (s1ocki), Wednesday, 4 November 2009 14:52 (ten years ago) link

It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.

banned, on the run (s1ocki), Wednesday, 4 November 2009 15:00 (ten years ago) link

three years pass...

hey he wrote a book
http://www.powells.com/biblio/62-9781455522385-0

szarkasm (schlump), Monday, 15 July 2013 22:50 (seven years ago) link

This was discussed in the other thread (the article) but I prefer this thread since it actually spells his name correctly.

i don't even have an internet (Hurting 2), Tuesday, 16 July 2013 02:50 (seven years ago) link

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.
― Hurting (Hurting), Sunday, March 27, 2005 11:08 PM (8 years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

this kills me

johnny crunch, Friday, 19 July 2013 01:00 (seven years ago) link

Instead of half-mast, maybe you could fly a flag at three-quarter-mast for a guy who's in a coma. Then, if he gets worse, the flag gets lower, or if he gets better, it starts to move up, so you can just look at the flag and see how he's doing.

am0n, Friday, 19 July 2013 20:46 (seven years ago) link

seven years pass...

If you’re in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins.
Maybe it’ll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

oder doch?, Thursday, 23 July 2020 07:06 (three months ago) link

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.

assert (MatthewK), Thursday, 23 July 2020 11:12 (three months ago) link


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