Ask TOMBOT

I believe these changes are supposed to be implemented by agencies by Nov 1, 2010.

You'll get an e-mail telling you how OPM processed your resume. You will get some kinda junk about how you either made the selectee short list or how you DIDN'T. By design, about 90% of applicants DIDN'T. Don't worry, we got more. Shotgun method, kiddos.

Will you please stop fucking my shit up with your old news, I applied for a GS-15 slot two weeks ago.

AND WAS NOT SELECTED.

I fell for the technique, is why.

I forgot the #1 lesson from my military time, which is that if anyone asks you to rate yourself on a scale from one to infinity, you ALWAYS pick infinity, even if it spins your entire ancestry in their graves.

If you don't lie, some other unqualified piece of shit will, and then I have to deal with their worthless no-initiative-takin' uncurious bullshit-artist fuckwit mug, instead of teaching a potential winner like you how to fix the system from within.

You already found out you weren't selected? I guess the notification comes more quickly when you're already in. I haven't applied for another position yet.

OK SO POINT #2

2. Sometimes the agency/department/commission/team/unit/bureau/service/office will be behind in their selections. This has the unfortunate effect that OPM may tell you "well you were ASTOUNDING and therefore A-LISTED" (or whatever that e-mail looks like these days) and then two months later some other poor bastard will call you and ask when you can do an interview. They've been kicking us in the junk about this more often thanks to BLACK PRESIDENT, but I can't promise anything.

It really can take up to a year (or more, dear christ) to settle on a start date for a federal position, especially if you try for one that requires a security clearance. I have stories, but I'm saving them for later. Just please believe me, we're hiring fast enough lately that I've had a contractor tell me we're beating them at their own game.*

*Thanks, recession!

3. Man this has gotten out of order maybe INTERRUPTOR Z can make an animated gif that ties it all together later

hey el tomboto: Thanks For The Memory Cards: Time to send us your PS2 Best Game Ballots! - Due Date April 30!

http://imgur.com/byYMa.jpg

3.5. Don't write your resume in the "Responsible for..." style, write it as "Spearheaded an effort..." style. OPM and basically all the hiring managers prefer narrative-style ACTION MAN statements, we know you're going to wedge all the keywords you can at the end, so tell us something we don't already know.

3.5.a. I've done resume triage and interviews for federal jobs. If your CV reads like the job descriptions your former employers gave you, I won't even bother taking the interview. If I do have to interview you, my first question is going to be why your resume reminds me of a lazy person who can't write.

3.5.b. On the other hand, people I've said were probably going to turn out crap have shown up on my doorstep six months later with a badge and a smile, ready to do dick of all shit but fart up some GSA seat cushions for a living until they're 65, so impressing me doesn't have to be your priority. I'm just saying.

Security clearance for low-level tech is not gonna happen unless you are/were military, y/n? Like you are not going to fund yourself and no private company is going to fund you since you make like 50k. I see a lot of those type jobs listed in DC.

4. Keywords to the Castle!!

The Position Description (PD) on the usajobs site contains 100% of the clues you need to eventually hang your hat in a fed bunker.

4.a. For every proper noun in the PD, consider whether it appears in headings, text descriptions, etcetera, and try to ensure that every noun or verb that isn't in common usage shows up somewhere in the aforementioned (3.5) ACTION MAN statements. "Emergency," "Crisis," "Triage," "Keynes," and "Smaug" are good examples.

4.b. IS THERE A COMPOUND WORD IN THE PD? Unless the compound word is part of the title of the hiring organization, put it in your resume. If it is part of the hiring organization, but you already work for them in some other capacity, put it in there three times. Fuck it, put it in there three times anyway. "Emergency Management," "Crisis Action," "Triage Analysis," "Keynes Magick" and "Smaug Butt" are very good examples.

I meant "Smaug Bollocks" actually, that's closer to home

So anyhow -

5. Position Specific Qualifications -

This is where you used to have to write essays and shit. BLACK PRESIDENT got rid of that because he knows writing a couple of books don't mean shit once you actually get the job. Truth! Good on him, glad I voted for the guy.

Anyway, as above, you have officially done everything before, seen everything before, and most importantly, trained and supervised other people in all aspects of everything before.

Next time I apply for something, I'm going to remember that watching myself screw things up while I'm hungover and can't do anything about it counts the same as training and supervising.

Remember, when you don't bullshit through this kind of self-test, you're only helping genuine bullshit artists. Tragedy of the Commons, whatever; it's another shitbag in the bureaucracy bucket that's going to sit it out doing fuck-all for 30+ years. Help me make a difference.

I mean that last sentence.

I sound like a dick going all BLACK PRESIDENT. It's the in-joke for everything going on in the fourth estate since january basically. I haven't been around on the politics threads, I can't stand it. Everything that anybody does who isn't in the admin is all "but can you really believe BLACK PRESIDENT?" I've genuinely ceased reading all news that isn't strictly job-related.

I think lcd soundsystem has your back there fwiw.

i don'tknow if i get the gag there but i actually liked the nyer profile. can you point me to the bitchy ilm thread on it?

how's it going, ACTION MAN?

pretty well except for the part where I went all The GZeus about federal employment on like 7 beers

"This Is Happening": the third album by LCD Soundsystem

'we have a black president, and you do not - so shut up' lyric from the new album

thank you

thank you for going all The GZeus about federal employment--whenever i visit usajobs my eyes kind of glaze over at all the requirements stuff. that was helpful.

^^^^ yes, thanks dude

a million times thanks!

TRUE FACT:

when i nearly got bounced from my flight home this last weekend because orbitz is a shuddering pile of fucking horseshit and they offered me flight vouchers if i ended up sleeping on a plastic bench with my coat draped over my head like an airways hobo, my first thought was "if i get these and get to fly out of town for like a one night trip i am going to DC and getting shitfaced with TOMBOT."

RETURN TO GOVT JOB STUFF

Tombot woulda made a really good terrifying nun in pre-Vatican II Catholic school

xoxo

dude, Hotwire/Travelocity or gtfo; Orbitz is for suckas

ehhh i went to orbitz this time because travelocity nearly stranded me in the desolate cleveland layover wasteland in the not so distant past. they really all kind of suck, also us airways/united seems to lack a basic understanding of "only sell as many actual seats as there are on the plane" so who knows

yall should revive this because I am a dad now and have new opinions

<3

Do you think it would be easier to raise a boy or a girl?

what do you think of the libyan no-fly zone.

or the tombotian no-cry zone?

ok self sb

congrats bro

that was pretty good

+1 sb obv

is the world a bleak and grim place

where do you get your ideas for babies?

Do you think it would be easier to raise a boy or a girl?

A girl. I have been a boy. Boys are awful. Plus, I am the dad. Dads and daughters get along, right?

what do you think of the libyan no-fly zone.

I'm sick of playing world police.

is the world a bleak and grim place

Of course it is. People eat dogs and bathe in sewage.

where do you get your ideas for babies?

Top Gear re-runs.

How much lulzsec-type crap have you had to deal with, or used the opportunity to point out to idiotic higher-ups the need for evolved procedures?

?

http://www.wired.com/dangerroom/2011/10/virus-hits-drone-fleet/

Wow!

http://abcnews.go.com/Blotter/americas-terrible-failing-grade-cyber-attack-readiness/story?id=16870064

are you guys just on MMOs all day like my friends at sony online

your thoughts http://www.wired.com/gadgetlab/2012/08/apple-amazon-mat-honan-hacking/all/1

my comments on the sitting DIRNSA are not appropriate

the honan hack just goes to prove that if your helpdesk sucks, all your other investments in protecting your customers are a complete waste

What do you predict will be some hot looks for lanyards in 2013?

madras

http://www.etsy.com/listing/103477602/fabric-lanyard-key-lanyard-badge-lanyard