Top 200 corniest characters in comics

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There are many inherently cool comic characters. There are also many characters who are so weird or ridiculous or over-the-top that they're actually cool. However, in this thread I want you to talk about the characters who in no way could be considered cool by anyone. So let's start...

1. I recently read Crisis on Infinite Earths for the first time, and since I'm not very knowledgeable of DC history, this was the first time I came upon a super-villain called Psimon:
http://www.titanstower.com/assets/recroom/tradingcards/VScards/psimonVS.jpg http://www.titanstower.com/assets/whos%20who/fearsome5/psimon.jpg
Now, the most obviously corny thing about him is the way he looks. The organic parts top of his head are replaced by a see-through shell containing his owergrown brain. I assume he wasn't born this way, so how did it happen? Did his brain suddenly grow so big his head couldn't contain it, so it burst open? If so, how did he survive this? And if this is what happened, why did he make the container holding his brain transparent? Doesn't this give anyone who wants to kill him the most obvious target to aim for? (This is indeed the way he's killed in Crisis.) It's like painting an X to your chest at the exact spot where your heart is.

I guess the oversized, exposed brain itself wouldn't make him notably corny if it weren't combined with a weird back-of-the-head ponytail and a purple, vaguely Oriental robe. I'm sure not being able to grow a proper hair due to your scalp being replaced by glass can make a guy feel emasculated, but growing a ponytail on the one part of your head that still has hair doesn't really help things. I don't think that exposed brain combined with ponytail looked stylish even in the 80s. As for the robe, I guess its purpose is to emphasize that Psimon's power is all in the mind, so he doesn't need a practical battle gear; still, together with the brain, the ponytail and his odd, bony face it makes him look like some deformed Fu Manchu.

The other most obviously corny thing is of course his name. He has PSI powers, so he's called Psimon! How imaginative! And, as if this wasn't a bad enough pun, when he uses his powers he utters the catchphrase "Simon says!":
http://www.astonishingtales.com/images/reviews/crisis-09.jpg
Jeez, did you come up with that yourself?

I read somewhere that the reason Psimon was killed in Crisis was because George Perez thought he looked "weird". According to Wikipedia he was created Marv Wolfman and Perez in 1981, so I think you must be a pretty corny character if even your creators want to kill you only four years into your existence.

Tuomas, Monday, 26 January 2009 08:43 (ten years ago) link

Sorry for the typo, it's "Psimon says!".

Tuomas, Monday, 26 January 2009 10:08 (ten years ago) link

LOLing at "if even your creators want to kill you only four years into your existence." Damn.

Doctor Casino, Tuesday, 27 January 2009 04:41 (ten years ago) link

2. The Ani-Mator and Bird-Brain

http://www.marveldirectory.com/pictures/individuals/a_1d/animator.gif http://www.marveldirectory.com/pictures/individuals/b_1d/birdbrain.gif

Rehashed "Isle of Dr. Moreau" knockoffs - Ani-Mator is a mad scientist obsessed with human-animal hybrids, who has somehow obtained funding from the human-purity supremacist group The Right. His real name is, seriously, "Dr. Fredrick Animus," and he wears animal skins and a skull on his head because, I guess, animals have skulls. (Even his bosses notice how ridiculous he looks and basically go "Shit, what the fuck were we thinking?")

Bird Brain is his greatest creation. There's a bunch of nonsense about the "ani-mates" having to go through a Maze in order to prove their fitness or something. Bird-Brain is sensitive, and runs away from this test into the arms of the New Mutants. If it sounds familiar it's because this was also the general outline for the debut of Warlock some thirty-odd issues previously.

Somehow this is all delivered in a really leaden and scrawly fashion that makes it even cornier, but also more annoying because it's all supposed to be taken seriously as an important storyline all of a sudden. Having remembered this, the Ani-Mator tries to kill Wolfsbane - the closest thing handy to a human-animal hybrid, amazingly - but Cypher jumps in front of the bullet and dies, which nobody notices for like another three pages.

From the (sadly very outdated) X-Men Danglers FAQ:

23. #60: What happens to the Ani-Mator after Illyana dumped him in
Limbo? (Hey, he _could_ have escaped during Inferno.)

And more importantly, does anyone actually care?

Doctor Casino, Tuesday, 27 January 2009 04:58 (ten years ago) link

I think Louise Simonson was able to create some patetic but interesting characters (I'm thinking of Nanny and the Orphan-Maker), but I guess these two weren't among them. Bird Brain looks like he should be on Sesame Street.

Tuomas, Tuesday, 27 January 2009 07:19 (ten years ago) link

Back when I was reading the X-books I knew Cypher had died at some point, but those particular issues were never printed in Finland, so I didn't know what exactly had happened to him. How lame is it to be killed by a dude called Ani-Mator?

Tuomas, Tuesday, 27 January 2009 07:22 (ten years ago) link

3. Doomsday
http://i217.photobucket.com/albums/cc28/idol-head/DoomsdayWars.jpg http://media.comicvine.com/uploads/2/20634/391744-30726-doomsday_super.jpg

I know he's supposed to be this menacing, unstoppable villain, but to me looks more like those bums living in New York sewers that appeared in Miller's Daredevil. And why does he have icicles growing from his body and replacing his teeth? If you're gonna create a villain that finally does the unthinkable and kills Superman, couldn't you at least make him look scary?

Tuomas, Tuesday, 27 January 2009 07:33 (ten years ago) link

4. Hank Pym, aka Ant-Man, Giant-Man, Goliath, etc.

http://media.comicvine.com/uploads/0/1202/93101-112474-hank-pym_super.jpg http://www.comicvine.com/hank-pym/29-2247/ma8/105-657162

Despite attempts to make him an important character by having him beat his wife, and more recent attempts to make him interesting by writing him as a convincing, well-rounded dickwad, Hank Pym is a guy who grows and shrinks and cannot for the life of him come up with a non-lame way to articulate this 100% cornball power. Recently it was revealed that his dickwad phase was partly the work of Skrull imposters; also he has decided to honor his dead ex-wife by dressing up in a dorky version of her costume and calling himself "The Wasp." The WASP might be more appropriate.

Doctor Casino, Tuesday, 27 January 2009 13:33 (ten years ago) link

http://media.comicvine.com/uploads/2/25807/657162-ma8_large.jpg

I mean, really.

Doctor Casino, Tuesday, 27 January 2009 13:34 (ten years ago) link

Must be a bit distracting being constantly followed around by four floating, constipated-looking heads.

chap, Tuesday, 27 January 2009 13:37 (ten years ago) link

wait, Janet Pym is dead????

Barack You Like A Husseincane (HI DERE), Tuesday, 27 January 2009 13:39 (ten years ago) link

wtf Secret Invasion, killing like one of the five non-X characters I kind of halfway care about

Barack You Like A Husseincane (HI DERE), Tuesday, 27 January 2009 13:41 (ten years ago) link

The word 'dead' should always be placed in inverted comas when referring to Marvel characters.

chap, Tuesday, 27 January 2009 13:42 (ten years ago) link

Or any superheroes/villains in general.

Tuomas, Tuesday, 27 January 2009 13:59 (ten years ago) link

Not only is Janet currently dead in mainstream continuity, she's dead in the Ultimates universe too, as during the current "Ultimatum" arc, she was eaten by The Blob.

Yes, I said eaten.

Pancakes Hussein Obama (Pancakes Hackman), Tuesday, 27 January 2009 14:45 (ten years ago) link

waht

hahahaha oh Loebpaws

Barack You Like A Husseincane (HI DERE), Tuesday, 27 January 2009 14:48 (ten years ago) link

I've tried to read those Ultimates books, but was turned off by the macho vibe and the gratuitious roughness and violence. I guess it just get worse? (And Janet seemed to be the most interesting character in the group.)

Tuomas, Tuesday, 27 January 2009 14:52 (ten years ago) link

Jesus, that picture just gave a bad 90s Image flashback.

chap, Tuesday, 27 January 2009 14:57 (ten years ago) link

^ OTM. Craptacular!

scampering alpaca, Tuesday, 27 January 2009 16:13 (ten years ago) link

hahahahahahah wow.

Doctor Casino, Tuesday, 27 January 2009 16:40 (ten years ago) link

5. Madcap

http://www.geocities.com/marvel_villain/madcap/madcap1.jpg

He regenerates rapidly (seconds to mend broken bones, even resurrect himself after deadly injuries), and feels no pain.

Madcap's second superhuman power is the ability to psionically stimulate the inhibition centers in other human beings' brains. By stimulating them, he can cause other people to act in a generally euphoric, uninhibited, outlandish manner.

His first encounter is with Captain America's sidekick Nomad (RIP). Then he battles Daredevil, She-Hulk, Power Pack, Ghost Rider, Impossible Man, Deadpool and Heroes For Hire. He may be the only villain with a Nomad encounter as the high point of his career.

Sadly, I don't think he's been seen in over a decade.

EZ Snappin, Tuesday, 27 January 2009 16:42 (ten years ago) link

Madcap was one of my favorite characters when I was about 12 or so. He's certainly due for a comeback. Actually, I'm kind of surprised Dan Slott hasn't used him yet...

arango, Tuesday, 27 January 2009 20:45 (ten years ago) link

At least his second superpower sounds kinda cool if used properly in a story.

Tuomas, Tuesday, 27 January 2009 21:35 (ten years ago) link

Yeah, but I can imagine it being REALLY cheesy if used poorly. "rofl Wolverine acts WAAAAAAACKY!"

Doctor Casino, Tuesday, 27 January 2009 22:43 (ten years ago) link

Basically, Madcap’s a dude at an American rave in the 90s, wearing clown tights and handing pills out to everyone?

If you're gonna create a villain that finally does the unthinkable and kills Superman, couldn't you at least make him look scary?

Giving him a big thorny cock would at least make him more intimdating in that shot.

Shakir Mo Collia (sic), Tuesday, 27 January 2009 23:03 (ten years ago) link

Basically, Madcap’s a dude at an American rave in the 90s, wearing clown tights and handing pills out to everyone?

Pretty much, except he's from 1985, and I imagine meant to bring yucks to the lol Reagan years.

Madcap was one of my favorite characters when I was about 12 or so.

Me too! I was a sucker for the Gruenwald/Neary Cap run - Madcap, Armadillo, Scourge - what's not to love? I even GM'ed a session of the Marvel Super Heroes RPG with Madcap as the villain. My friends hated it.

But despite my love, he's corny as shit.

EZ Snappin, Wednesday, 28 January 2009 01:03 (ten years ago) link

At least his second superpower sounds kinda cool if used properly in a story.

FYI, this has never, ever happened.

EZ Snappin, Wednesday, 28 January 2009 01:06 (ten years ago) link

http://dutchwang.tripod.com/images/corn_man.jpg

I couldn't find an actual corn-based superhero, but surely there must be one...

Oh yeah this dude has the power to turn into any flavored ice cream.
http://www.marvunapp.com/Appendix/iscrm.7.gif

Philip Nunez, Wednesday, 28 January 2009 01:24 (ten years ago) link

lmfao!!!!

my brain hurts a lot (Drugs A. Money), Wednesday, 28 January 2009 13:56 (ten years ago) link

ten years pass...

6. Razor-Fist

https://i2.wp.com/www.panelsonpages.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/Razor-Fist-Turnaround.jpg

http://i61.tinypic.com/a3eds5.jpg

This dude's "superpower" is exactly what it says on the tin, he has two large blades where his hands should be. The first Razor-Fist was just a one-shot Shang-Chi villain who died in the 1970s, but a few years later, for some inexplicable reason, Doug Moench, his creator, deciced to bring back two new characters (identical brothers) with the same gimmick. And apparently all three Razor-Fists willingly had their hands amputated and replaced by blades! I guess they were living the sort of life where wiping your own ass or masturbating or dressing yourself isn't a priority?

Anyway, one of the two brothers survived his initial appearance and, again inexplicably, kept on appearing in Marvel comics up until the 2010s, before he was killed by Deadpool last year. That's a pretty respectable, 37-year run for a villain who sounds like he was made up by a 10-year old.

Tuomas, Wednesday, 15 May 2019 10:52 (six months ago) link

Razorfist has always struck me as more horrifying than corny. Like you clearly aren't thinking clearly when you make that decision, and you're certain to almost immediately regret it once it's been made.

Like I imagine Razorfist being a procedure (not unlike the Human Centipede) which is imposed upon an unwilling subject who rises from a dazed state of unconsciousness to find that his life has been inexorably altered and very likely shortened and he doesn't even know how he's going to open the door of this dingy black market operating theater he's woken up in let alone how he's going relieve his intense need to urinate.

guess they were living the sort of life where wiping your own ass or masturbating or dressing yourself isn't a priority?


i’m only one-for-three on those myself tbf

michael keaton IS jim thirlwell IN ‘foetaljuice’ (bizarro gazzara), Wednesday, 15 May 2019 12:48 (six months ago) link

And this is why your community has petitioned to have you undergo the procedure, my onanistic friend.


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