Everything that rises must CONVERGE: Aldo and others read DC's CONVERGENCE clusterf*ck so you don't have to

Somebody talked about doing this elsewhere, and I was already half thinking about it, so herein lies madness for all to join in.

This was supposed to just be a sticking plaster, a chance for DC to breathe while they moved from NYC to Burbank. But as staffers refused to leave and were replaced, DC jumped on the opportunity and cancelled a lot of books. This may (or may not) have some relevance for Convergence. In any case, it changed focus and became a Summer Crossover event only not in the summer. And not very crossover-y as it takes place in isolation from everything else, instead of everything else.

Anyway, with Convergence #0 out last week it's probably worth recapping that (and Earth 2 :World's End and The New 52:Future's End) before jumping into the titles this week.

Earth 2: World;'s End was a particularly poor quality weekly that tried to explain why Earth 2 was over-run by parademons by suggesting Highfather sacrificed it to Darkseid in return for him not attacking New Genesis. The heroes of Earth 2 tried in vain to defend it, including the Atom giving his life to expand into a giant underground cavern and Green lantern meditating himself to death. Oh, and a Sikh suicide bomber flying a plane into a tower. The heroes end up losing, and Mister Terrific (a refugee, let's not forget, from the Johnsiverse who escaped to earth 2 when his own book was cancelled) takes them on a spaceflight to 'rescue' them after they abandon Earth 2. Which I'm betting all gets forgotten pretty quickly. Anyway, it was pretty dreadful any way you looked at it even by the low standards previously set by Earth 2 and World's Finest.

The New 52: Future's End was a series written by 4 writers who possibly never exchanged the time of day with each other during the creative process. Remember how 52 was 3 different books that made no sense together? Well this was even more so. Brother Eye has replaced everyone by robots and the few heroes that are left are hidden. Apart from the ones that aren't, who live on an island prison with - I shit you not - Fifty Sue who it's always hinted is something more important than an annoying brat but it's never really clear. After a lot of pages of brooding and fights, and a strangely large number of pages set in diners, nothing really happens. Batman Beyond turns out not to be the Batman Beyond that everyone thought he was, and is from Earth 2. Then Braniac turns up and there are a couple of pages of plot. Just one or two, mind. AFTER AN ENTIRE FUCKING YEAR OF NOTHING HAPPENING.

bless you aldo

Re-reading those two final,weekly issues before starting writing about Convergence, I remember that I forgot to say that Alan Scott starts meditating because his dead boyfriend (yeah, that's right, we made Alan Scott gay! WE ARE EDGY AS A BUTTER KNIFE!) , who has since turned into the Wind Elemental, persuades him he'll be happier dead. So he gets the power of Evil Superboy and punches Darkseid with the Universe.

Actually both series are notable because the heroes LOSE them both. In World's End the Earth is lost to Darkseid and aside from a small number of heroes on a spaceship which can't really get anywhere and has no supplies floating round Apokolips all the human race is dead. In Future's End Brother Eye has won, and not only that, Tim Drake (for it is he that is now Beyond Batman Beyond) has been kept in some kind of time bubble while some of the fighting took place and everyone he knows has aged 35 years including his gf from earlier in he series. And Braniac doesn't appear at all near the end. Is this now supposed to be outside Convergence? Before it's even started?

Convergence #0 sort of does the job as a setup issue but also is completely unsatisfying. The Braniacs from lots of different books tell the Superman from the Johnsiverse that he's not the only Superman by showing him all he times other Supermans died and Power Girl's Boob Window. Johnsiverse Superman clearly comes from Earth Stupid because he just doesn't get it. Having said that, Braniac doesn't get it either or at least the ones that Stupid,an punches to death in the desert (did I mention the sentient Braniac who might actually be a planet was also a desert? Well he is.) because we have to wait for Planet Braniac to form All New Braniac who explains that this isn't like Secret Wars at all, or like Battleworld, and the cities which are going to Battle each other in a War on his World in Secret aren't missed by anyone because they were all going to get destroyed anyway.

Then he waves his arms like Wil Wheaton does at the beginning of Tabletop and is >< this close to saying "and this... is Convergence."

There's a list of cities in BattleConWars at the back of the book and this is really SuperBats heavy. Plus TWO Captain Carrot/Zoo Crew cities. Feels a bit like an unnecessary set of scope limiting decisions already.

I've got all eleven out this week and "looking forward" to reading them, or at least hoping the Tom Peyer one isn't horrific.

Convergence #1 takes some of the heroes we thought were dead in World's End and dumps them on SecretConWorld where they nearly get knocked out before the group stages start for not having a city to call their own. They protest for a bit and Braniac lets them in as long as he can cover them in the dream metal out of the Invisibles. He then makes himself all big and turns up on TV screens in the sky of all the cities to tell them the same plot he Wil Wheatoned in the previous issue while alluding to the stories they come from (Infinite Crisis, Flashpoint, Zero Hour and Kingdom Come for some examples) then we get a splash page of heroes looking up at Uncanny Braniac so you can look at it and go OOOOH I REMEMBER THEM.

You know what's next when BattleVergeSecrets start and the enclosed Eden Projects fite each other? IT'S DOMESDAY!

That's not my pun btw, that's genuinely what the issue is called. Honestly. Not even I'm that bad.

To be fair, I'm pretty sure there is only one Captain Carrot city. I believe the other is from the world of Justa Lotta Animals, which is the world where the superhero animals Captain Carrot draws for a living are real.

And no, I didn't have to look that up.

Earth-C and Earth-C-Minus, if memory serves.

To be fairer, you're right. Sugar & Spike world also seems to be a thing in it.

gotta paid it out as much as they can. They got months worth of pointless fill-ins to sell.

Yuck.

I'm thinking about doing some kinda commentary for Secret Wars, as I've already started digging that hole for myself. I hope it's not as terrible as this sounds.

Yep, all bad so far

Aldo, we love you

the amazing thing about reading aldo's recaps is that they're totally incomprehensible and yet i am certain that the actual comics themselves are even less coherent

you're doing the lord's work here aldo, i hope you cling to your sanity

I find this all personally sad because I only really got into the DCU proper for the first time on the back of 52, after which I started buying a bunch of then-current stuff and checking out older stuff, and I was actually reading a significant portion of their output until they pulled a Flashpoint on us and began their long, strange trip to Shitsville. I keep hoping that they'll right the ship but it really doesn't look like it's gonna happen.

They really are very, very incoherent comics - speaking as someone fairly familiar with DC of the past ten years.

I think it's mostly just a campaign to Mark Waid cry.

"that tried to explain why Earth 2 was over-run by parademons by suggesting Highfather sacrificed it to Darkseid in return for him not attacking New Genesis"

Yeah, that sounds heroic.

Convergence Batgirl #1 deals with Stephanie Brown, Cassandra Cane and Tim Drake from an immediately pre-Flashpoint Gotham. In what is possibly scene-setting (because if this happens in all of them it'll be REALLY tiring) we learn that Gotham has been under the Dome for a year and so at the end of Year One (DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE) people are getting really pissed off and are starting to think about eating their pets because they're running out of food. So what does a responsible Batgirl do? Threatens them with chemical weapons that they need to stay in their houses when it looks like they might be able to get out. Then Uncanny Braniac covers them with his magic goo and they end up at the beginning of the comic. WARNING! DO NOT READ THIS WHEN YOU NEED TO PEE! Seriously, the first half is all about Stephanie trying to work out the logistics of taking off her suit in the desert without stripping off completely (although having spent years being Batgirl you'd assume she's come across this problem before?) until she sees Gorilla Grodd and "suddenly I don't need to pee any more". Which I can only parse as she's let her bladder go in her suit because she saw a giant gorilla. What is this, a freakish crossover between DeviantArt and AAOOO? Why am I reading a book about the toilet habits of a teenager? (Only kidding, if Convergence turns into a series about bodily functions I will be as happy as a pig in a series about bodily functions. PLEASE MAKE THIS HAPPEN.)

as said above, bless you and thank you aldo, said that on yer whole DC relaunch thread, you are doing some god's work, tho which god has yet to be determined but still much appreciated

Thanks for all the kind words, I can't decide myself whether I am doing a good or bad thing; whether people might actually be encouraged to read such shitty comics by how much they fail to entertain me.

To prove I wasn't joking about Giant-Sized Stephanie Brown Toilet Antics Happy Fun Hour:

https://farm9.staticflickr.com/8759/17107741231_f5532138c9_o.jpg

I was a bit intrigued to see that Montoya Question book by Rucka in the shop yeaterday. I will await your scathing review before deciding whether it's too saturated wirh Convergence sewage to bother with.

wtf dc

between that and kevin smith's infamous 'batman pisses himself' farrago it's starting to seem like there's a burgeoning subgenre of bat-related watersports comics:

http://wac.450f.edgecastcdn.net/80450F/comicsalliance.com/files/2010/07/wg07.jpg

They're a couple of decades behind the curve:

http://andersonvision.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/SPIDERMANBEYONDerpooping.jpg

Convergence Batman & Robin #1 is set at the same time in the pre-Flashpoint Gotham as Batgirl Pissypants and is a real kick in the teeth for Batman as he isn't good enough to be Gotham's champion in BattleConWars. Take that, Batty Boy, Uncanny Braniac thinks you're not as good at fighting as a teenager with poor bladder control! So, because this doesn't really have anything to do with SecretWorldVerge it instead makes clear this comes from a time when nobody has found out Jason Todd is Red Hood yet, and re-runs the daddy issues many robins fight from B&R until the baddies turn up in Gotham who are The Extremists, from an issue of Justice League Europe. Wait a minute, in Batgirl Pissypants the whole plot of Uncanny Braniac is to take out Champions from the domes to fight each other in the desert. Instead there's is crossover beat-em-up happening inside the individual domes? How is that even possible if the domes are impervious except by the deliberate hand of Uncanny Braniac? Did the writers even get a brief before this started?

After having read 4 SecretCon books, Mister Freeze sums up my feelings about the whole enterprise:

https://farm9.staticflickr.com/8684/16487533134_318858afd7_z.jpg

is that Denys Cowan?

Certainly is, and inked by Klaus Janson. So, now you know everything the book has going for it.

Convergence Harley Quinn #1 is ALSO set in the same Gotham and the events of Battle Bats and Secret Robin are vaguely referred to in this but the one character they share - Poison Ivy - behaves completely differently. You know, it's almost like there's no editorial control whatsoever. This book is at least almost a good read, as we see Harley has come to terms with her mental illness in the year under the dome and is happily settled down with a policeman. Then, IN DIRECT CONTRADICTION of Batgirl Pissypants, Uncanny Braniac decides the champion of this Gotham is Harley and she has to fite Captain Carrot. OBVIOUSLY nobody in Gotham bats an eyelid at the notion of a 6ft rabbit with giant muscles and Ivy & Catwoman break into Harley's apartment in order to send her over the edge into madness again with whatever the pheromones that did something to her in a very minor flashback were.

So, Harley is bonkers and ready to fight. It was all quite a good read until the end. The best book so far, even if it did feature Damien Hirst.

Even Convergence Justice League #1 is set in the same Gotham City FFS. And despite the fact we know a Batmans was inside the dome, along with any number of other heroes, we have an all-female Justice League featuring Zatanna, Supergirl, Vixen, Jade and Jesse Quick. And, for a completely inexplicable reason, Congorilla. SERIOUSLY? I love Congo Bill but he was really hanging out in Gotham at the same time as this Spice Girls reunion? Anyway, the Justice Lovelies (because BEWBS) have spend the last year swanning round nightclubs like the own the joint because they're celebrities, wearing spaghetti strap tops and mini skirts (because BEWBS and LEGS). Uncanny Braniac doesn't tell them anything that he hasn't told us, the reader, in EVERY OTHER FUCKING BOOK but luckily Sadface Aquaman's steampunk mate is paying more attention than your average DC staffer because he sees Mera in one of the panels of the dome that shows inside other domes and, you know, giant rabbits and shit.

So, in a contradictory plot to the other ones, the domes are down and everybody can travel between all of them now so Steampunk Aquaman (who we know is Bad Aquaman - or Baquaman - because we saw him kill someone with his trident. AND BY THAT I DO NOT MEAN HIS PENIS. ) turns up on his War Octopus so he can stab her with his trident. AND BY THAT I MEAN HIS PENIS.

Supergirl punches his War Octopus hard in the tentacles. I SAID TENTACLES. And they all go back to the sea. Wherever the sea might exist, given Uncanny Braniac's planet is a desert. OOPS CONTiNUITY SPOILERS.

Al also on trend this month:

http://i.imgur.com/SQg5F30.jpg

ok that's some amazing continuity to refer back to that

Kind of wish Al still posted here.

Next week's Convergences: Aquaman, Batman Shadow of the Bat, Catwoman, Green Arrow, Green Lantern Parallax, Justice League Intl, Suicide Squad, Superboy, Supergirl Matrix, Superman Man of Steel

What's that Convergence Nightwang & Oracle #1 ? Wickedy Wild Wild Blue Beetle and Guy Gardner have been killed by. Hakwmans, wiping out one of the SecretBattleCons off-screen before the series has even started? But isn't that getting rid of one of the few potentially entertaining cities without bothering to even write it just so you can indulge yourself in puss-poor fanwank? No? Oh well, fanwank it is!

So, back in an increasingly crowded pre-Flashpoint Gotham Nightwang stops a bored Mister Freeze robbing a museum in deliberately flash way, admitting he does it in such a way to look the best for the cameras or so he looks HAWT. It's also weird to see his relationship with Starfire before the Johnsiverse rewrote Tamarans into goldfish with her still in love with him and them very much a couple. Which is then super weird to see Dick ask Babs Gordon (who is, of course, still in the wheelchair) to marry him. That's a Dick move, Dick.Then the Hawkmans turn up to spoil things and there will be a fight while Babs does some Oracling, because she invented computer surveillance (although I'm not sure she did, because hadn't we had Brother Eye by then?).

Anyway, this is so desperate to tick a gazillion fanwank buttons it misses some fairly basic plot practicalities. Firstly, this Gotham (unlike the EXACT SAME GOTHAM with Justice Lovelies or Harley Quinn or Batty Man) doesn't have Uncanny Braniac in the sky explaining the plot for the hard of thinking - and we know that explicitly because we are with Dick & Babs at the exact time the dome comes down, which we know from he others Uncanny Braniac is in the sky. Secondly, where is Baquaman's War Octopus? The restaurant where Nightwang shows Babs his ring is on the river Goth, which I'd hazard a guess is the only water Baquaman would find to ride his War Octopus in on, so they must have gone past them. And thirdly, and maybe most importantly, the Hawkmans turn up with lots of Wall-Es flying around the sky, literally hundreds of them, which aren't in any of the other issues set in this very SecretBattleVerge.

You know, with THE ENTIRETY OF DC CONTINUITY to use as your sandpit to constrain yourself to sort of one instance having written an overarching plot WHICH SPECIFICALLY ALLOWS YOU TO USE THE WHOLE CONTINUITY is just fucking stupid. Almost as stupid as only having to pay attention to 1500 pages or so of comics and completely fucking up all your continuity in the first 150. Utterly inept editing, and somehow they held on to their jobs.

Hooray! Convergence Speed Force #1 is set in Gotham! Because there aren't any of them about, are there? Thankfully, this is from a Gotham at the time of Flashpoint, except it can't be because Barry was back by then but Wally (who is, according to the text, the only Flash at the time) says he isn't. Honestly guys, when I said 'you' don't have to read things the 'you' I was talking about was other ILXors, not DC employees. So with the entire chronology to pick from, you can't even get the continuity right of the one YOU (that's YOU YOU DC staffers, not 'you' YOU ILXors) choose? WTF? I'm pretty sure a turtle that had spent the last 50 years living in an underwater cave could make a better fist of this.

So, Wally and the kids (wait a minute, didn't the kids get aged into adulthood by some weird shit from space or something? So how are they still 10 or whatever?) are trapped in Gotham and Wally's mind is unravelling, not least because none of the other heroes in this Gotham gaf about trying to get out and seem content to wallow in their own filth. But then we know that Batty Man likes that secretly. Anyway, Uncanny Braniac shows up in the sky like you'd expect and shows us the Hakwmans killing Wickedy Wild Wild Beetle (which is odd because it can't have happened yet) then drops the walls and Flash runs to save them but is too late. He then runs home where he is chased by one of the Zoo Crew before Armour Extreme Wonder Woman turns up with all her mates to kick his ass.

While he was running about in the desert, Wally failed to spot Batgirl Pissypants taking a dump behind a bush. That wasn't very observant of him, it could have been important. I mean it must be a plot point, right? Because otherwise it would just appear to be a grown man's fantasy about teenagers and urine and that couldn't possibly be true, could it?

Wait, aren't the pre- and post-Flashpoint earths the same earth? So how are they co-existing? Or did the pre-Flashpoint earth get retconned into being a parallel 52 earth or something?

Not to be naive and demand this makes sense or anything.

i think the whole gimmick of this Brainiac jazz is that he's resplitting all the continuities into different earths. right? i dunno.
that said, aldo - aren't they intentionally sticking to one alt. continuity per week or something?

Ok that makes sense. Or "sense".

No, the gimmick is that he's taken a city at a specific point of continuity out of time and that's ok because it was about to be taken out of continuity by whatever storyline it was part of collapsing universes together. It was always supposed to be something to do with the multiverse but it isn't at all really, other than making a general point that all of the universes in the multiverse are confirmed as being in the same multiverse.

They seem to be sticking to one broad set of 4 or 5 alt continuities a week, which makes the story even weaker because in their desperation to shoehorn in hero x, y and z they turn up even when they weren't there in the original comics.

To whit, Convergence Superman #1 , set in Gotham. It turns out Superman, Lois and Jimmy were covering a news story in Gotham while Flashpoint happened - I'm assuming this is the same Gotham that Speed Force is set in because there is still crime in this one and there isn't in the Batmang family Gotham books. Anyway, Superman gets his powers back as Uncanny Braniac pulls back his dome covering. Which raises more questions than it answers to be honest, given that we know Supes' powers come from being under a yellow sun, does that mean Uncanny Planet is also under a yellow sun? Historically, also, we've seen lack of exposure to the sun leave Supes <choke> as weak as a kitten. So why wasn't he here? And was the dome a giant UV filter, in which case why didn't everyone under it develop Vitamin D deficiency during the One Year Later? Not that Supes has noticed because he's only gone and got aloud up the duff while he could now, inn'e?

Dan Jurgens then gets hideously confused as the panel advising us a scene happens in the "Flashpoint Universe" has Captain Thunder and an unknown Batman (although we don't find out who it is, it's stated Bruce is dead). To seem to know they're from a collapsed continuity, which I thought only the Psycho Pirate was able to comprehend? Did nobody have to ACTUALLY READ ANY COMICS to understand what they were supposed to be writing?

Let's just have an 80 Page Giant Action Figure Playset Special instead, somebody might actually be able to write that.

Convergence Atom #1 is Ms Marvel in disguise. Red and blue costume, one giant hand. What else could it be? In this Gotham (which I'm guessing is the same one as Speed Force and Superman are in) Atom is a laughing stock who wanders round claiming to solve crimes and help people influenced by the voices in his head talking to him. Deathstroke turns up out of nowhere to stab him and/or blow him up when he gets transported away as the city's champion by Uncanny Braniac (which means it can't be the same Gothm as Batgirl Pissypants was picked as the champion of, although no Uncanny Magic Metal was involved this time, just a FWASH) where he fights a giant crocodile from The Extremists by punching a supersonic hole through both sides of his mouth. Then it turns out the voices in his head were the now-not-dead Ryan Choi.

Two books to read and this has been the closest issue this week to being a real pleasure to read. Not quite as good as All New Atom was, but a solid effort. Why weren't they all this good? Or any of them even close?

Convergence Question #1 is a real curio. Montoya, whose has had the Mark of Cain but is now missing it, has teamed up with Two Face to break up petty crime and steal medicine for themselves. She lives with the Huntress who tells her she can't trust Harvey and when she next sees him there's a long conversation about why his coin always comes up good recently. Then Uncanny Braniac appears in the sky, which convinces Harvey there must be Two Two Faces and, finally able to throw a scarred face, he knocks out Montoya. The Huntress says "I told you so" and Batwoman turns up on the last page in time for the conclusion next time. This appears to be using the Convergence umbrella just to allow them to tell a story out of continuity and I say SO FUCKIN' WHAT. The whole point of the multiverse is supposed to allow you to tell these if that's where the story lies, and I'd rather read this than Sinestro any day.

Convergence Titans #1 is just a complete mess. In the same Gotham as B&R, except the Titans are the only ones fighting the Extremists who we saw turn up and start to fight B&R on the last page of that book. So, nothing in common with the other books it shares physical space with (in the literary sense) and in fact ignores them, poorly and just... no. I can't think of anything else to say about it. I've just finished reading it, and I've forgotten everything about it already. With so few books to publish this week and 75 years to pick from is there REALLY any excuse for a filler book like this?

Still, at least no HOT PISS ACTION in these pages.

That feels like damning with faint praise, like congratulating someone for not being a murderer.

I think it's mostly just a campaign to Mark Waid cry.

This is the first thing I've read that makes me want to read Convergence.

i just flipped through a stack of these #1s: Suicide Squad, JLI, Superboy, Catwoman, Aquaman. They are one and all, utterly unredeemable. Bad art, bad story, unified in their bad connecting "ONLY ONE SHALL SURVIVE" threadline. it's amazing how these guys have some of the best known fictional characters of the 20th century at their disposal and they are doing fuck-all with them.

the bumper at the end of the first issue of aquaman promises "NEXT: SURF AND TURF... TO THE DEATH"
and that's what passes for humor

these clearly aren't for children; the violence and overt sexuality (done poorly) nix that.
they're clearly not for adults; the art and soporific plot guarantee that.
i'm fairly certain there's not a massive teen audience for this shit.
who the fuck is this for? collectors, completists and the damaged?

well, yeah

who the fuck is this for? collectors, completists and the damaged?

Certainly feeling the latter two thirds of that description.

these clearly aren't for children; the violence and overt sexuality (done poorly) nix that.
they're clearly not for adults; the art and soporific plot guarantee that.
i'm fairly certain there's not a massive teen audience for this shit.
who the fuck is this for? collectors, completists and the damaged?

Weirdly, Bleeding Cool ran a story on how Convergence was the most kid-friendly stuff DC had published in years and was obviously their big play to get their core books back to all-ages.

http://www.bleedingcool.com/2015/04/15/dcs-convergence-the-return-of-all-ages-comics/

THE ATOM IS THE 99%

https://farm9.staticflickr.com/8885/17294436138_a75d4b7356_z.jpg

MINI JAZZHANDS CONFUSION!

https://farm8.staticflickr.com/7747/17480316722_e0e1018461_o.jpg

Ryan Choi looks particularly smug at having done this. LET'S SEE YOU PLAY THE GUITAR NOW, BUDDY!

I feel like I have been drinking, and I have not been drinking.

this fucking thing

i'm not gonna lie, i love this

Amid reports that because sales numbers haven't been as appalling as DC expected, so "there's clearly a market for these characters" and we do have a Multiverse after all, so let's not have any cities destroy each other and everybody can win and we can just abandon the entire premise halfway through AREN'T I CLEVER GEOFF YES YOU ARE DAN; we get Convergence #6. LUCKY US. Jeff King and Scott Lobdell write, Ed Benes and Eduardo Pansica pencil, and Ed Benes, Trevor Scott, Scott Hanna and Wayne Faucher ink. That seems like a lot of people. Like, David Finch levels of people. Anyway, about the actual comic... the Braniac Battle Planet suddenly pops into being in the Johnsiverse, or rather is shat into it like a particularly awkward post-curry poo and heroes stand around looking at it going "Is that a thing?" "Yes, I think that's a thing." "Should we do something about it?" "Let's not bother." Even Darkseid can't be arsed. Meanwhile on BattleVerse all the heroes have decided they should hang up together and the bad guys are all suddenly in on Deimos' plan. Supes decides they should work as giant Good Teams and Bad Teams because all the Braniacs are gone and the plot has evaporated and announces to everyone that Dick Grayson is the best most important hero of all time ever and will save everyone, coming from Earth 2 and all. Dick tries to do this by asking Uncanny Braniac, who we learned last week wasn't a Braniac after all but a hero that had been mindwiped and forgotten who he is, to help make the planet beat Deimos up. Deimos lines up the Good Team and the Bad Team for Action Figure Playtime and yells 'start'. Geoff Johns would be proud.

Convergence Aquaman #2 (Wr: Tony Bedard Art: Cliff Richards, not that one) has Deathblow from some Wildstorm comic nobody read climb out of a toilet to kill Aquaman. Because it has to be water-related somehow, do you see? They have a very boring fight, then some super-dehydrator gets turned on that was a secret doomsday weapon because Aquaman is secretly the most powerful hero of them all don't you know, so he gets dehydrated, but survives by stabbing Deathblow lots of times in the neck and absorbing all his blood. Because blood is "the chemical equivalent of seawater". ::boggles:: That's Silver Age sciencesplaining right there.

I couldn't have given a flying one about the first issue and Convergence Shadow of the Bat #2 (Wr: Larry Hama, P: Rick Leonardi, I: Dan Green) is no better. A tour guide and her son save Batman and Azrael from being beaten up, and then Batman convinces the bad guys to join him in fighting Uncanny Braniac since nobody has told him that Convergence didn't count, no take backs.

Convergence Catwoman #2 (Wr: Justin Gray A: Ron Randall) isn't much cop either. Cats 'n' Bats chat and chat and then team up to fight the normal people of Metropolis who have decided handing Bats over to Uncanny Braniac, and then once beaten decide to shoot Bats anyway. Since Cats secretly is in love with this new Bats, and thinks he is the best hero in the world ever, she jumps in front and takes the bullet and dies. Bats literally shrugs and says NO BIGGIE. That doesn't feel right you know.

It's a travesty that trees died to make Convergence Green Arrow #2 (Wr: Christy Marx P: Rags Morales I: Claude St-Aubin). Really it is. I've read less than half the books this week and lost the desire to read any more. In short, Uncanny Braniac makes Metropolis lost into the sky under threat of destruction because he hasn't been reading any of the other books and so has no idea what the plot is supposed to be. I think I genuinely am the only person reading all of this.

Convergence Green Lantern Parallax #2 (Wr: Tony Bedard P: Ron Wagner I: Bill Rheinhold) is a bag of shit too. Mad Hal Jordan puts Kyle Rayner in a missile and fires it on Metropolis then kills everyone in Electropolis so Uncanny Braniac declares them the winners of Convergence and evaporates some of them. I don't care enough to work out how, but Kyle Rayner survives because he gets a group hug from the grateful citizens of Metropolis. Presumably not the same citizens of Metropolis that have just shot Old Batman.

Converence JLI #2 (Wr: Ron Marz, Art: Mike Manley Additional Inks: Joe Rubinstein, Mike Manley, Brett Blevins) is just... fucking hell... I don't know. The JLI and whoever they've agreed to fight turn up behind the bike sheds outside of Metropolis and then have Action Figure Playtime. The JLI get knocked unconscious but Uncanny Braniac's enforcement robots (last seen in some other fucking book, but only the one, mind) try and even up the score for long enough to meet the page count. But the real problem is the back. Booster Gold turned up off-camera to prank Beetle by using his now-accurate time travel powers. To a planet outside of space and time which was not even part of the Multiverse and nobody knows anything about or can get to, or off. Just for fan service. SEE GEOFF I CAN MAKE PEOPLE LIKE ME.

I have a question

What is Uncanny Braniac?

Uncanny Braniac is what I have been using as a nickname for Telos who is just a guy or is a creation of the planet or is a God, depending on which book you are reading.

Uncanny is a weak joke based on the similarities between the plot of Convergence and Secret Wars/Battleworld. I needed a way to refer to him to separate him out from all the other Braniacs that were appearing early on, because there were a lot of them.

Potted history: Braniac is definitely behind Convergence. Lots of Braniacs from different eras taunt Superman (Convergence #0) about the leaked plot of the series. He smashes his way through all of them until just one is left standing (Uncanny Braniac) who says he is the perfect creation and embodiment of his master Braniac unlike all the other Braniacs (various Johnsiverse books have established that Braniac is only a giant consciousness that builds and discards bodies as it chooses). Uncanny Braniac tells all the characters the plot in the minis, raises and lowers the domes by his will, becomes a giant sand monster because he's part of the planet which is the real host of Braniac and Uncanny Braniac is just the avatar it uses to deal with the cities it has kidnapped, and has an army of plot enforcer robots that are part of his consciousness.(Convergence 1-4, all the mini #1s, some of the mini #2s) This avatar starts getting called Telos. (Convergence #2)

It then turns out there is a proper Braniac at the centre of the planet/in a stasis field who has been trapped by someone and Deimos is capturing time travellers to free him. (Convergence #4) It is explained that this is in fact the master Braniac and Telos is in fact a missing hero who has been brainwashed into thinking he is Telos/a Braniac and can't remember who he is. No explanation given for the powers he has shown since he was there. Deimos then kills the master Braniac with a wave of his hand and Braniac is removed from the plotting of convergence and effectively retconned away so the plot never had anything to do with Braniac. (Convergence #5) Telos just mopes about trying to remember who he is. (Convergence #6) It's also worth noting that only some of the #2 mini issues reflect the state of affairs post-Convergence #4 and still have Telos as a God figure and all-powerful.

Remember, ALL OF THIS HAS HAPPENED IN A 7 WEEK PUBLISHING WINDOW.

hahaha dear god!!

All-Braniac

i can't understand any of this even a little bit

if the plot of 'secret war' is "there's some kind of cosmic level threat with a huge backstory you don't have to care about, but basically that led to a battle between the ultimate and regular marvel universes which ended with them merging with every other marvel alternate earth" what is the plot of 'convergence'

I like to imagine the 'plot' being cobbled together by an assistant who's writing down the distracted and disconnected ideas that pop into the half-interested editor's head throughout the day and night while he's engaged in other activities (moving, golfing, using the toilet, drinking to excess, reading stories about the coherent crossover the competition is putting out).

what is the plot of 'convergence'

With two issues to go, I have no idea. The things I have listed above have happened, and because Braniac is not the plot any more there is no need for any of them to fight and they are not being made to (in nearly all the books) and there are no consequences to not fighting.

The two plots that seem to be possible ones:

When Telos remembers who he is, he is someone important that we haven't heard mention of in the Multiverse and is much missed/much loved. Hopefully it'll be Snapper Carr or similar.

The planet was outside the Multiverse and has managed to get into it. Since the Multiverse hasn't been properly explored at all apart from the map in Multiversity and a couple of the spin-offs this seems redundant.

Neither of these plots needed any of the issues prior to #5, or any of the minis.

In a world of dreadful comics, Convergence Suicide Squad #2 (Wr: Frank Tieri, Art: Tom Mandrake) is merely mediocre. There is some pointless fighting, which Black Orchid wins by blowing herself up as Cyborg Superman is just about to beat her. Fair enough, although alongside BatISIS that's the second blow up = win in ConBattleWars. Then Captain Boomerang shoots Lex Luthor through the head while he's chanting his own name in a victory song, before a tl;dr speech about having cancer. He then goes to kill Waller, who suicide bombs herself to take Boomerang out. wtf is the obsession with blowing yourself up in SecretVergeWorld? Waller even gets a statue out of it, which can't be just a day or so later and so seemingly proves that the cities taken out of their own continuity live forever. They're going to learn how to fly high! FAME!

Convergence Superboy #2 (Wr: Fabian Nicieza P: Karl Moline I: Jose Marzan Jr) is one of the books where they're still labouring under the old Convergence plot. So we get page after page of Superboy fighting an elderly Superman, until Lois (who may or may not be elderly, you can't work out where/when she's from since she's different in every book even if she's the same Lois) gets hit in the head with a rock and Superman suggests the old 'pretend to be knocked unconscious to confuse Uncanny Braniac's enforcement robots' trick, even though we haven't seen the enforcement robots. And then Superman decides to actually knock Superboy out anyway. Superman, you're a dick. We then don't actually find out whether the strategy works, the issue just finishes. Utterly pointless.

At least Convergence Supergirl Matrix #2 (Wr: Keith Giffen P: Timothy Green II I: Joseph Silver) has fun with it. Ambush Bug scoots round the cities that haven't appeared in any of the books yet, just so they actually show up and DC technically have featured them. Basic there are a series of jokes about how shit the comics of the late 80s/early 90s were compared to the creative pinnacle they now find themselves at. Keith Giffen clearly enjoys writing Ambush Bug, but... this book doesn't make a whole lot of sense and not only doesn't claim to but boasts about how retarded it is. Amidst the never-ending waves of shit that have constituted DC's output this month it's a brave and entertaining change, but I strongly suspect it actually isn't any good.

Superman Man of Steel #2 (Wr: Louise Simonson P: June Brigman I: Roy Richardson) might as well be string. Wibble wibble wibble punchy "hang on, what if we all stop?" "Yeah let's all stop." "Oops we been sucked through a teleport by Uncanny Braniac!" "Hahaha, what hijacks will we get up to next time?" "I don't know, but I bet it's more exciting in other comics!" "Yes, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Anyway, next week will be late as I am travelling until Saturday,

i can't understand any of this even a little bit

cosign

I mean I recognize some character names and that's it

i think somebody got into under the dome in a big way, went insane and became editor in chief at DC
in that order

You want an incoherent stream of badly written shite? Well maybe Convergence #7 (w: Jeff King & Scott Lobdell p: Aaron Lopresti i: Mark Morales) is exactly what you're looking for. In the Johnsiverse, people have finally started paying attention after last week's nonplussed looks at the new planet, but mainly at the Floaty Guy Who Is Definitely Not The Watcher Honestly from one of the last Superman arcs, and Superman doesn't want to tell anyone who he is. Probably because he's as embarrassed as he should be for having been in them. Back on ConWorld Telos is powerful again and then isn't, and then is, and then isn't, then all the heroes decide that should all just work together to beat Deimos and the bad guys they were fighting on page 1 get dropped from the plot. Then Deimos gets evaporated by Parallax which starts Crisis On Infinite Earths (red skies, the works). Confused? So am I. I am also guessing that we won't find out who Telos is since we were told multiple times Deimos was the only one who knew who he was. He couldn't be The Monitor, could he?

Convergence Adventures of Superman #2 (w: Marv Wolfman p: Roberto Viacava i: Andy Owens) ended with the Phantom Zone emptying all the worst ever Kryptonian baddies onto Supes and Supergirl, remember? They punch each other until everyone gets bored and Kara destroys the phantom zone projector with her laser boobs (or lasers from somewhere, the art is too bad to tell) and ends the plot. Kamandi is outside with a gorilla doing scenes traced from Dawn of the Planet of the Apes then Supes turns up to "help" and ends up changed to a Minuteman missile which he eventually destroys with his laser boobs (the second time, so it must actually be deliberate). Then there's an earthquake; find out what happens next in Convergence #6! Out in just -2 weeks!

Set in the first couple of minutes after everyone's powers come back on, Convergence Batman & The Outsiders #2 (w: Marc Andreyko a: Carlos D'Anda) very quickly becomes a tedious punch 'em all vs OMAC. Then there's an earthquake (so somebody has won) then a bit more of the fight until Uncanny Braniac appears in the sky like the referee out of Gladiators and announces Bats and the Outsiders have won and so are the champions, which means this book is either set before Convergence 4 or Marc Andreyko has been stiffed by DiDio. I'm thinking the latter though because the bad guys don't get removed by enforcer robots or anything. Metamorpho gets a bit of quality sad face time then everyone wonders what's going to happen next. I can hardly wait to find out! Except we won't, obviously, as there aren't any more issues. Except the issues I have with such shitty writing. DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE.

My favourite part of Convergence Green Lantern Corps #2 (w: David Gallaher and Steve Ellis i: Ande Parks) is on the last page when John Stewart's ring summarises in a single speech bubble what the writers had been told what the plot of the main book was, which isn't what happens in the main book. And what happens in the main book has nothing to do with anything that happens in these pages in any case. The Warrior era Guy Gardner knocks a dragon out with a baseball bat then beats Hercules in an arm-wrestling competition, despite Hercules being strong enough (as shown a couple of panels later) to throw a grown man several miles. He then gets Lanterned up again by Hal, because Guy is the best GL ever of all time ever always and throws the bad guy into the sun so it explodes, killing them both. Which sun? Depending on when this is set, is it the Johnsiverse sun? If so, how does the Johnsiverse survive? I know, im expecting too much for it to ACTUALLY MAKE SOME FUCKING SENSE. And I have no idea who the penciller is, because it's not credited. I'm not sure I'd want my name on it either.

I can't even be bothered writing about Convergence Hawkman #2 (w: Jeff Parker p: Tim Truman i: Enrique Alcatena) other than to say it's absolute carnage. Unlike in other books, where people are punched about a bit, hundreds are gunned down, blown up and stabbed in this with no consequence because all that happens is that the absorbacon (yes, still really) explains the universe they were front was destroyed in the Crisis and now... erm... isn't. And that's ten times the effort that was put into writing this book.

Literally nothing happens in Convergence JLA #2 (w: Fabien Nicieza a: chriscross). The heroes stand around discussing why they're not going to fight, then Zatanna shows up and teleports the bad guys away. Then they all congratulate themselves on a job well done. That's it. No link to any of the other books, just a nostalgia trip; as if anyone is nostalgic for the Detroit JLA.

A little more happens in Convergence Superboy and the Legion #2 (w: Stuart Moore layouts: Peter Gross art: Mark Farmer) but not that much more. There's a lot of talking between various heroes and the Atomic Knights, before they pull out their chemical weapon and threaten to suicide dirty bomb the city. Then IN ACTUAL CONVERGENCE PLOT the LoSH Braniac explains that there are two ConWorlds but you can't see them both because they are in separate multiverses and that means everyone should just stop fighting because something might happen at some point in the future (but it had better hurry up because there's only one issue of the core book left. Do you think LoSH Braniac was asked to join all the other Braniacs on ConWorld or is he Red Headed Step Child Braniac? Does he even get a Christmas card or a phone call on his birthday? Although I guess he won't any more that Deimos killed them all. Except Telos, who I suppose is kind of his cousin by marriage or something? Shit is complicated.

Having Len Wein and Kelley Jones doing Convergence Swamp Thing #2 has shown what happens when you get actual talent on me of these books - it becomes readable. Swampy and Gotham After Midnight Batman are supposed to fight, but Bats thinks his Gotham sucks and offers to sacrifice himself in the fight. In return he wants to have one last crack at the vampires throughout the city in the hope of taking out the queen. They eventually achieve this between them then Bats watches the sun rise in a moving last couple of pages, knowing the light will kill him. Comics, they're not hard. Although DC of course make it very hard indeed, because in their rush to give us a Dick 'n' Babs book nobody is clamouring for all the cities will live; this means there will be rampaging powerful vampires on Braniac planet that will need suppressing. Luckily there will now be an all-conquering plant God too - remember this Swampy is at pre-Crisis strength levels. Well I'll remember, even if nobody at DC will.

Convergence Flash #2 (w: Dan Abnett a: Federico Dallocchio) straight up calls Dan DiDio a horse's arse. So, outside of being a lengthy resignation letter is it actually any good? Surprisingly, yes. It's very talky, but Tangent Superman has a giant humblebrag then basically explains Barry Allen's place in the Multiverse and lets him know he has to die in the Crisis but has to be back for the God Killer Bullet. Barry reacts badly to this and gets punchy for a bit before Superman gives up in order to let Barry survive. Then they all wait around to see what shit Geoff Johns is going to throw at them next. Barry doesn't seem very happy at the outcome, but then he has just been told he's going to die soon. I look forward to a future issue where he's thrown himself completely into booze and hookers since he has nothing to look forward to.

http://www.bleedingcool.com/2015/05/20/is-that-really-telos-that-superman-is-talking-about-in-todays-convergence/

THE POWER OF LOOOOOOVE A FORCE FROM ABOOOOOOOOOVE HEALING MY SOUL goes Convergence New Teen Titans #2 (w: Marv Wolfman p: Nicola Scott i: Marc Deering). Seriously, when the most exciting thing in your book is a man painting a tree then there's something seriously wrong. I was sure this came out a different week; I definitely read a #2 with Starfire and Nightwang in it. What did I do to deserve another one? The Titans and a Doom Patrol avoid fighting for the main, until Uncanny Braniac decides he's had enough and removes the Doom Patrol placing the end of his book about 3 weeks ago. Kori and Dick celebrate by making goo-goo eyes and having a bit of a kiss. Just wait until she finds out Other Dick (not to be confused with Other Other Dick or Other Other Other Dick) has just got married to Babs Gordon. This planet is covered with Dicks. Everywhere you look, Dicks. And since they all survive, and ConWorld moves into the Johnsiverse, all DC's books could be fill of Dicks from now on. That's a sobering thought.

Convergence Wonder Woman #2 (w: Larry Hama p: Aaron Lopresti i: Matt Banning) is a lengthy punch-em-up with Diana fighting Vampire Joker and Were-Catwoman. I wish I was making that up. Steve and Etta both get turned into vampires (because that's a power of werewolves now) and everybody that isn't Diana gets sucked down to Hell through a giant hole in the ground. That's to Hell, mind, and not to Deimos' chamber which is what we know from elsewhere should be at the bottom of the hole. Still, why let continuity get in the way of a rotten story nobody cares about, eh?

Thankfully just one more week of this shite left.

Aldo, thanks for all your hard work. I'm sorry this has been so awful and also so simultaneously joyless.

but joyful for us to read! :D

I'm not getting much joy from this, it's Requiem for a Dream - Aldo you do have other things to look forward to in outer life, right?

Seeing David Haig in Penny Dreadful gave me a terrible desire to watch The Wright Way again.

― the bowels are not what they seem (aldo), Tuesday, 26 May 2015 12:24 (34 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Sending professional PTSD counsellors now.

Maybe go back and do Countdown

I'm going to do the core book at the end because it's the last of the series and I don't want to spoil them, although it's pretty much impossible to 'spoil' anything DC are putting out. YOU CAN'T RUIN A TURD, RIGHT? DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE? And of course even though these individual issues are set around Convergence #4, of course.

So let's kick off with Convergence Action Comics #2 (w: Justin Gray p: Claude St-Aubin i: Sean Parsons) because who doesn't love Power Girl? Red Son Wonder Woman tries to kill her with missiles from the invisible plane but fails, which really pisses Stalin off. He is quickly distracted though, because Lex Luthor has made secret assassin robots that look like friendly GIs to kill him. They are presumably not called Call-Me-Brad, Call-Me-Chuck and Arsequake as the comic would improve immeasurably if they had been. Golden Age Superman then turns up and talks to everyone until they're too bored to fight. He flies off into the pages of Convergence #6, which might be for the best mainly because I don't have to read it (again). There were a lot of Supermen in it right enough.

Convergence Blue Beetle #2 (w: Scott Lobdell a: Yishan Li) doesn't help my mood, as I had forgotten how bad the first one was. The Charlton heroes remind us all they don't have any real powers (yes, even Captain Atom) then face of against the Legion of Super Heroes. WAIT A MINUTE. They were in their own book fighting someone else. So are there two sets of the Legion, both from the same 30thC Metropolis? Had one of them travelled back in time just beforehand so one was taken by the old Metropolis and one by the new? At least the two Braniacs can hang out together and call themselves the Legion of Substitute Braniacs? Telos can join them, because we now know he's a substitute Braniac come Convergence #5 except this must be set before then becaus Ted Kord, being so clever, makes a hologram of Hub City collapsing which makes Uncanny Braniac float in the sky and look down wistfully at how Ted has outwitted him. I give up.

Convergence Booster Gold #2 (w: Dan Jurgens p: Álvaro Martinez i: Raul Fernandez) features a different Blue Beetle and a third different LoSH and is really about how old Booster helps his son Rip Hunter by letting young Booster make time jumps until they end up in the wreckage of Deimos' secret machine, last seen when it was still working back in Convergence #6. Then Waverider appears, says he's going to fix it all, and leaves for Convergence #8 (let's just see whether he actually plays a part, shall we?) with everyone just standing round like spare pricks waiting for something to happen that means anything. I'm not even sure this could have looked all right in Dan's head, to be honest.

I really couldn't care less about Convergence Crime Syndicate #2 (w: Brian Buccellato a: Phil Winslade). Two sets of Justice League analogues, one of whom was recently in Forever Evil, fight each other in a direct powers to power match up, until one of them has won. They're either both the good guys or both the bad guys, except Ultraman, and even then I don't know what side he's supposed to be on. And because they're both analogies. When one of the Wonder Women crawls out of the wrecked city saying she's won you have no idea which one it is. LIKE IT MATTERS. Dire.

Convergence Detective Comics #2 (w: Len Wein a: Denys Cowan and Bill Sienkewicz) is at least entertaining. Ignoring what's happening in any of the other books, The Huntress and Robin are going to get killed by Red Son Superman when they're rescued by Red Son Batman. He takes them to a hut on a small farm where they all bond because they haven't seen a Batman in ages and he gives them a box to open in front of Superman. Eventually Supes catches up with them and it turns out the box has SURPRISE some kryptonite in it which nearly kills Superman but eventually they decide to just all work together instead. This infuriates Uncanny Braniac who appears in the sky and tells them THERE WILL BE CONSEQUENCES! The consequences seem to only be resetting people into their own cities with no fighting, so Dick indulges in some Batman cosplay to finish off the page count. I'd criticise all this in the other books, but being pretty well written and with art that doesn't want to make me gouge my eyes out I'll blame everything that's wrong with it on the other books. GO ME.

Sorry for lateness, been away, awesome metal show hot chick etc. IT WASN'T BECAUSE I WAS PUTTING THIS OFF, RIGHT? WHO SAID IT WAS?

Convergence Infinity Inc #2 (w: Jerry Ordway layouts pages 1-9: Ben Caldwell p: June Brigman i: Roy Richardson) is not an auspicious start. It reads like bad Silver Age filler, full of sentence constructions "I WILL DO SOMETHING, CHARACTER NAME" "THAT WAS GOOD, OTHER CHARACTER NAME". It's wearying. It plods along and WHOOPS THERE IS A FUSION REACTOR THAT MIGHT BE IMPORTANT LATER. WOW, WAS THAT A GIANT SPACESHIP? It contradicts nearly everything happening in other BattleVerge books until they all ask Uncanny Braniac to let them off fighting because they have the sniffles. Then the city blows up anyway because fusion reactor. They then meet up with the JSA because they've won the fight in a book I haven't read yet who say because they're old they can't be the JSA any more so maybe they should have (I shit you not) A CORPORATE MERGER. Then they all stare off heroically into the middle distance AS YOU DO.

So, having had Convergence JSA #2 (w: Dan Abnett p: Tom Derenick i: Trevor Scott) spoiled for me, is it worth reading? Well it certainly delivers on the promise of the first issue with the old-timers clearly enjoying one last time around as they defeat a Qwardian weapon. The promise was a bit one note though and it all kind of peters out until Uncanny Braniac declares the fight over and destroys Qward. Then, weirdly, the JSA lose their powers again and go back to being old men, like they were when the dome was up. Now I accept that plays well for the storyline in this mini, but this wildly inconsistent with the rest of ConWars. WAIT, WHY AM I EXPECTING ANY BETTER? Let's just enjoy this for what it is. A competent comic.

Convergence Plastic Man & The Freedom Fighters #2 (w: Simon Oliver a: John McRea) has a large number of ConSecret tropes; a city floats into the sky, suicide bomb kills everyone. In short, Plas teams up with the Nazis to beat Future's End then the Nazis try to double cross him because they want their own cyborg Superman. Plas throws away some fake suicide bombs that turn out to be real bombs which blow up the floating NYC killing millions. Plas is the only survivor and genuinely dgaf about the victims. No cryingeagle.jpg, no Doom Tears, nothing. Bye bye millions of people. Bye bye.

Convergence Shazam #2 (w: Jeff Parker a: Evan Shaner) is all kind of great in a GOSH GEE WILLAKERS Fawcett way, with steampunk Batman analogues woven in like they've just stepped out of The Goon (and the direct Killer Croc/Goon steal is undeniable). There's not a lot to explain about it, it's just dumb fun. In the shitstorm that this entire event has been, I'll take that. COMICS, THEY'RE NOT JUST FOR IDIOTS ANY MORE!

Convergence World's Finest #2 (Paul Levitz and 7 (SEVEN) art assets) is as impenetrable as #1. The Tenth Doctor continues to be the bloke out of Marvels, Telos is directly intervening in people's lives and the fight that happens in this is also with Qward. So was it this or JSA that was the fight that decided the fate of Qward? You'd think this one, given that Uncanny Braniac is definitely watching this one, but at the conclusion Qward still exists and everyone goes back to being cavemen, maybe. David Tennant draws a cartoon which shows he had fun. The Qwardians don't care, because all they want to do is eat celeriac (which they call greens) and drink grape soda. I wish I was from Qward, it would be a better life than reading this.

NOT A DREAM! NOT A HOAX! THE END OF THIS UTTER DISASTER LIES WITHIN MY HANDS!

Countdown #8 (Jeff King and Scott Lobdell write while 9 (NINE) different artists are used in only 23 pages) finally sees completion of this sorry mess.

As we remember, Parallax killed Deimos and he tries to explain the plot but fails to on page 1. Telos is now a giant God again, forgetting the plot of the last two issues, and he explains that it is ZERO HOUR and the COUNTDOWN has started. The scenes in the previous issues of the planet moving into the Johnsiverse haven't actually happened yet and it is still outside of time and space but luckily Waverider has a plan. PUT BRANIAC IN CHARGE!

Yes, Braniac wasn't actually killed by Deimos 50 pages ago, but even though there seems to be a plan that involves him the heroes don't believe that could be the case and decide to attack him anyway. Braniac is far too powerful though and everyone stands around while Sadface Braniac tells his story of how a FLASHPOINT made a FINAL CRISIS of the MULTIVERSITY 52 times and how he always wanted to be a Monitor when he grew up, and it makes him cry to think of other Braniacs being baddies. Cancer made him punch people, just like Jeremy Clarkson.

Johnsiverse Superman and Supergirl stand (or whatever the word might be for floating in space) by idly watching the planet enter the Johnsiverse, contradicting the dialogue of a couple of pages ago and Braniac decides to take Telos' powers away for him to keep them for himself; and we see the cities floating in the sky again with their domes (mainly) intact.

Braniac tries to send everyone that he stole back to when he stole them from but CRISIS ON INFINITE EARTHS stops him so he has a backup plan - just send back Superman, Supergirl and Barry Allen and hope they can do something different this time, or maybe just die. Parallax is gutted because nobody applauded when he killed Deimos (or indeed when he fired Kyle Rayner at a city in an ICBM) so he decides to go back with them as does Lois and Superbabby.

AND, IN A SHOCKING TWIST SO STUPID I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M TYPING IT, CRISIS ON INFINITE EARTHS IS RETCONNED OUT OF DC HISTORY.

Everyone gets returned back to where they started, and Braniac leaves the planet which miraculously gets moved to the universe of Earth 2 and gets instantly terraformed to being a suitable planet for the Earth 2 heroes to live on so they decide to. Telos appears in the sky like Mufasa and tells Alan Scott where the ships that left Earth 2 are so he can go and find them and everybody can act like Earth 2 World's End was only Earth 2 Interregnum. That's right, this whole exercise existed to undo a weekly series that ended THE WEEK BEFORE CONVERGENCE STARTED.

And to rub salt into the wound, Telos says he remembers who he is THEN DOESNT TELL ANYBODY.

I think this whole thing has pushed me over the edge and maybe I'm done with DC. Maybe.

Thanks for putting up with my rambling. It's been emotional. Until next time, MAKE MINE READABLE!

wait

hahahahahahaha

So, if COIE is erased, does that mean Superman can do super-ventriloquism again?

Yes, Tuomas, that was the first thought that went through my head too. OBVIOUSLY.

Serious answer, which Superman? The Earth 1 Suoerman probably always had it.

so... nothing happened, essentially?

Yup.

it felt like that's where they were headed even when you were reading individual random issues.
marvel has problems but dc is so completely clueless right now.

From what I've been able to gather, the entire point of the exercise was to free DC from the shackles of continuity so that their creators can tell shitty stories that don't have to make any more sense in the context of a larger narrative than they do in a vacuum.

When, really, it seems like they've done an excellent job of inadvertently freeing themselves from the shackles of continuity over the past several years.

I've also just realised I just threw in Waverider without explaining who he is. From someone else's summary:

Multiple versions of Booster Gold enter the fray. Booster Golds… oh boy. Okay, in order to understand the significance of this moment, you will need to have read the following series: 52, Booster Gold, Justice League International (vol 2), Futures End: Booster Gold, and Convergence: Booster Gold. So if you haven’t, ya know, read 10 years worth of comic books about Booster Gold, here’s what ya need to know: the Pre-New 52 Booster Gold is the protector of the time stream (this Booster Gold shall hereby known as 52 Booster). Think Dr Who except American. When Flashpoint occurred, a new Booster Gold was created with the New 52 timeline (this Booster Gold shall hereby known as N52 Booster).

Okay, so both of these versions of Booster meet upon Telos. Brainiac abducted both of them (along with 52 Booster’s sister and son – Rip Hunter) trying to find the location vanishing point (a floating fortress that exists at the end of time, where time is catalogued). N52 Booster spilled the beans about it to Brainiac, and that’s how Brainiac has been able to abduct different timelines. Meanwhile, 52 Booster has been bouncing around different timelines, and therefore, has contracted a bad case of temporal radiation poisoning: in short – he’s ageing really quickly. So N52 Booster, Rip Hunter, 52 Booster’s sister, and Ted Korg – the Blue Beetle – take 52 Booster to the vanishing point where he is healed of his condition and transforms into Waverider – a entity who is connected to all moments of time (Phew… that was tiring to explain).

Back to Convergence #8 – N52 Booster and Waverider show up right as Telos stops Parallax. Waverider then says that the only person who can stop the destruction of the Multiverse is Brainiac. So Waverider uses his powers to access the Futures End timeline where Brainiac was trapped and frees him.

Got it? Good.

That source ( http://whatculture.com/comics/6-mega-universe-changing-spoilers-from-dcs-convergence-8.php ) does point out that it thinks that the Johnsiverse sort of still does exist but merges with the pre-CoIE multiverse and it'll all get harmonised out once someone writes a story that needs it. This was covered by the line in the comics "the worlds evolved".

I actually go with Old Lunch's first take there - the major point of this seems to be to remove the same universe constraints that irritated me so much about the Johnsiverse and to handwave continuity errors into 'another universe'. It's a superhero version of "don't ask, don't tell", if you assume it's the same then well and good, if you find a problem there's a pre-packed solution.

i kinda remember waverider... he's basically the 90's metron, right?

Serious answer, which Superman? The Earth 1 Suoerman probably always had it.

I'm not well-versed on DC Earths, but isn't Earth-1 the "main Earth" that pre-crisis stories mostly followed? And Earth-2 was the one were WWII era superheroes had aged in real time? But with COIE all the Earths merged, and several characters were retconned, including Superman, who lost many of his pre-crisis powers, including the super-venriloquism. So after COIE, there was no Earth 1/2/etc, just one single universe and one single Earth. So I don't get how "the Earth 1 Superman always had it", if there was no multiple Earths, and there was just one Superman without ventriloquism? Anyway, what I meant to ask is, if COIE was retconned, does that mean that the "main Earth" Superman is now the pre-crisis Superman, and that he has all of his pre-crisis powers? Or does the pre-crisis Superman now live on some other Earth?

Yes. (not a sarcastic answer)

When you say Johnsiverse are you referring to the post-Flashpoint New 52-era? Or the one before that following Infinite Crisis?

Post-Flashpoint.

ah k

this thread is giving me a migraine

wtf dc

Dan Didio punched the universe

donkeypunched the universe, more like