Summarise a Novel in 25 Words

"Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire", by Edward Gibbon

"But what have the Romans ever done for us?"

"Kes" (aka "A Kestrel For A Knave") by Barry Hines

"It has shuffled off this mortal coil, and joined the choir invisible" etc etc etc

Irvine Welsh's...

Trainspotting
Scottish kids take drugs, kick drugs, have sex, rob each other and swear a lot.

Glue
Other Scottish kids take drugs, have sex, fight, catch AIDS and swear a lot.

Porno
All the Scottish kids, now grown up, take drugs, have sex on camera, rob each other and swear a lot.

The Pyrates - George McDonald Fraser:

Add some zombies and this'd make a really good Johnny Depp movie, in 20 years time.

The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer - Jennifer Lynch.

Dad. Stop it. Aargh.

Chambers Dictionary

All the words are there but it doesn't seem to make sense.
Perhaps I will just have to wait for the film to come out.

It Shouldn't Happen to a Vet - James Herriot

Young impressionable man happens upon idyllic area in an imaginary country called "England" - keeps putting his arm up cows' bums. Police disinterested because of "vet" defence.

1984

Bloke having mid life crisis discovers politics and shagging; but then learns to settle down and become a normal, respectable, member of society

Some analysis of this thread from Today's Guardian

http://books.guardian.co.uk/departments/generalfiction/story/0,6000,1177601,00.html

That is the nicest bit of coverage ILx has ever had. What a nice man.

Stranger in a Strange Land:
Jesus is a Martian.

Diary of a Nobody:
I got up this morning. Tonight I shall go back to bed, as is my custom.

Alice in Wonderland:
Alice breaks all the freaky rules in a freaky place, and freaks out all the freaks who live there.

Alice Through the Looking-Glass:
.niaga ti seod ecilA

Lord of the Rings:
Never underestimate a little guy with hairy feet.

James Joyce - Dubliners:

Everyone is miserable and lonely. Dublin is horrible. Nothing ever happens save more misery. You'll never leave!

James Ellroy - The Cold Six Thousand:

Everything's gone wrong since Kennedy died. The FBI did it. CIA and Republicans are complicit. Vietnam was wrong. Cops are corrupt. Kill yourself now. Blam.

Dylan Thomas - Adventures in the Skin Trade:
I got drunk in London once.

Tad Williams - Otherland

Hackers break into rich guys' network. Wander round a bit. Network crashes. Into the sun.

Michael Moorcock - the Jerry Cornelius Tetralogy

London in the sixties was a jumping-off point to travel the rest of the Multiverse, particularly with a little chemical enhancement. I'm the Eternal Champion, by the way, but I don't like to talk about that.

Anything by Ngugi Wa Thiongo:

The Kikuyu have a shite time in Kenya. But we can still sing! And I'm in prison again.

This thread got a mention in the Weekend Australian magazine today.

** "NOTRE-DAME DE PARIS" by Victor Hugo **
Bizarre love quadrangle plays out in shadow of Gothic cathedral in fifteenth century. Lofty themes, quirky supporting characters, overlong soliloquys. Most of the characters die.

** "THE GROUND BENEATH HER FEET" by Salman Rushdie **
Love story of Orphic proportions plays out in alternate universe. East-vs-West. Pop culture. Glorious wordplay. Sex, drugs, rock-n-roll. Not as perplexing as "The Satanic Verses".

** "WUTHERING HEIGHTS" by Emily Bronte **
Selfish bitch-cat and angry bastard share passionate love. Bitch-cat marries another man, dies of psychosomatic symbolism. Angry bastard then punishes second generation of already-suffering family.

** "AMERICAN GODS" by Neil Gaiman **
Supposing America itself is essentially godless. Only gods are those immigrants brought, and those that technology created. And they're at war. Imagine our protagonist's surprise.

** "INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE" by Anne Rice **
Vampire who needs to lighten up tells of his existence with fun-loving man-vampire and frustrated girlchild-vampire. It didn't end happily. Subsequent franchise an unforeseen phenomenon.

** "THE VAMPIRE LESTAT" by Anne Rice **
Supporting character from "Interview" takes over franchise. Proves much more entertaining than predecessor. After he becomes rock star and wakes mother-queen vampire, book ends abruptly.

** "THE QUEEN OF THE DAMNED" by Anne Rice **
Mother-Queen vampire wants to destroy world. Other vampires stop her, after lots of filler and background stories given for supporting characters. Much better than movie.

** "THE TALE OF THE BODY THIEF" by Anne Rice **
Lestat body-swaps with trickster human. Hijinks ensue. Order of a sort is restored at end, "It's a Wonderful Life" type themes subverted with impish glee.

** "MEMNOCH THE DEVIL" by Anne Rice **
Demon takes Lestat on crazy ride through Christian theology. Stop paying attention, and you'll be sorry. He's left batshit mad at end, much like reader.

** "THE VAMPIRE PANDORA" by Anne Rice **
Marius' mysterious ex gets to tell her story, beginning in ancient Rome. Little action, lots of philosophical debate. Plodding style oddly fitting with inert character.

** "THE VAMPIRE ARMAND" by Anne Rice **
Marius' other ex gets to tell his story. Italian Renaissance this time. Courtesans, cults, whacky vampiric performance art. Character is greatly developed, highly sympathetic. Surprise ending.

** "VITTORIO THE VAMPIRE" by Anne Rice **
Imagine a Hammer horror movie told in prose. Tale of vampiric heterosexual love, with Satanic cults and sacred music too. All-new characters introduced to fold.

** "BLOOD AND GOLD" by Anne Rice **
Marius gets to tell his story. Sadly, Rice has already told much of it via other characters. Prose gets tedious. Bookending sequence far more interesting.

Stupid White Men - Michael Moore
Amercans are stupid. I wish they weren't. I love America.

The Razor's Edge - W Somerset Maugham
Larry is confused. No, he's enlightened. Drives taxi. Good for him.

Great Expectations
Pip's a twat. Can't get laid.

Thomas The Tank Engine.
Choo choo .... crash. Stupid trains.

Animal Farm
Socialist pigs doublethink.

The Neverending Story
Stuff happens. Story ends.

Illusions - Richard Bach
see title.

THE MAYOR OF CASTERBRIDGE
What goes around comes around. P.S. Dont gamble if yor a complete dimwit

DUDE WHERES MY COUNTRY-MICHEAL MOORE
If you ever decide to move to america: dont

TESS OF THE D'URBEVILLES-THOMAS HARDY
Tess gets raped, baby dies, marries her rapist, kills him, runs off with old lover, gets executed. Moral=if committing murder, hide all evidence

THE SHARK NET-ROBERT DREWE
Perth 1950's-guy kills eight people because he has to put up with shit, author re-tells his life at the time of the murders.

DAVID COPPERFIELD-CHARLES DICKENS
David as a child: life sucks. David as a teenager: life still sucks. Davis as an adult: slightly less suckiness.

The Picture Of Dorian Gray, by Oscar Wilde

Decadent aesthete thinks that if he creates the ultimate escapist fantasy he can fight "against Nature". He's wrong.

The Jerry Cornelius Tetralogy, by Michael Moorcock

Decadent aesthete thinks that if he creates the ultimate escapist fantasy he can fight "against Nature". He's wrong.

--- OR ---

Jerry acts like an arsehole, while Una Persson saves the world. Again.

--- OR EVEN ---

Like Austen Powers. But not as funny.

this was a good novel

The Virgin Suicides

Suicide is preferable to being stalked by obsessed neighbourhood boys

All of Shakespears tragedies:

Look at me! I'm Royalty! Now I will kill you all! Mwahahaha! I'm not really evil. Shit, I'm dead. Ghosts and witches are total bastards.

THERE'S A NEW NED IN TOWN??????????????

A-AND..... HE'S A VIKING????????????

All of Shakespeare's Comedies:

Look at me! I'm Royalty! Now I will kill you all! Mwahahaha! I'm not really evil. Shit, I'm still alive! Ghosts and witches aren't that bad really.

dfd

Woman has "feeling" for snow. Boy dies. Woman goes to Island.

Thomas Mann: "Death in Venice"

Old city and old man simultaneously sinks into decadent ruin as mysterious plague and angelic boy simultaneously proves fatal.

Any Robert Rankin book:

Rock & Roll is great. Spike Milligan was a god. Lots of jokes. S**T - publisher's deadline approaching! Cobble together implausible ending. Wink to audience.

Bernard Cornwell's Sharpe series:

Sharpe is gritty. Sharpe hates everyone. Women love Sharpe. War is bad but fun. French are evil. So are rich people. Sharpe, trapped, escapes, wins.

Dante Alighieri's "Inferno":

Microsoft Windows Millenium Edition user's manual

The Story About Ping by Marjorie Flack

Replacement manual page for ping(1M) UNIX command and discussion of ICMP ECHO_REQUEST packet.

The Perfect Storm by Sebastian Junger:

It was a dark and stormy night... The end.

The Right Stuff by Tom Wolfe:

Being a test pilot is kinda dangerous, but it would be uncool to say any more.

Holy Blood, Holy Grail by Michael Baigent et al.:

To avoid the paparazzi, he left the talk show circuit and moved to France with his wife where they raised some kids in relative anonymity.

The Name of the Rose by Umberto Eco:

I love books. Yum.

The Teachings of Don Juan by Carlos Castaneda:

Dude, I am so f**ked up -- I have this imaginary friend who gives me great advice.

May 8: Saw boat. Aug 6: Saw ghost. Sept 10: Killed ghost, killed servants.

All Quite on the Western Front - Erich Maria Remarque

Young man goes west with schoolchums; his death is nothing to write home about.

The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown

Drawn-out chase through churches and museums; every twenty pages a bad history lecture breaks out.

War of the Worlds - H. G. Wells

Aliens prove life exists on Mars by coming to Earth to try and wipe it out here; they discover they should have started small.

The Constant Gardener by John Le Carre

Man thinks evil international pharmaceutical company have killed his wife. They did. They kill him too. He also fails to do any gardening.

Hitler: My Part in his Downfall - Spike Milligan

I'm mad, I am.

Puckoon - Spike Milligan

The whole of Ireland's mad.

Soldier Freddy - Spike Milligan

Still crazy after all these years. And I told you I was ill.

Berlin - the Downfall by Anthony Beevor:

The Russians win.